COMPLICATIONS

I got a phone call last night from my niece, and was informed during the course of the convo of my brother’s (2^nd sibling from me – I am the oldest) recent surgery. That concerned me; so, when I woke this morning, I jetted a text off to my youngest sister (3^rd sibling from me) asking her about it.

The returned text reply was complicated – cancer is a complicated thing. There is no cure for cancer … no matter what medical talking heads will tell you. If you had cancer, you have cancer; it’s just a matter of time before it strikes again. But, people do not want to hear that; so I didn’t try to explain that fact to my sister.

I just thought a while on that complication, and talked to Elohim about it, while drinking my morning coffee. I didn’t fall to pieces … I just mused on the ramifications of the prognosis.

The I got ready for my Tuesday morning Pep Talk on the hill. I would be ferrying two people to the meeting this morning – and it was raining heavily with all the gusto a PNW Fall brings with it, so I left earlier than usual.

Sparkly 'Pearl' for brow line, 'Plum' for eyelid color, & 'Purple' for 'liner'; tinted Lip Balm & 'Pink Quartz Lipgloss.

'Auburn' Eyebrow Gel, 'Burgundy' Mascara, & Rose-tinted Creme Blush.

I was driving up 38^th, passing the school there, when a second complication appeared on the day’s docket. I shouldn’t have been surprised, because this fella’s been flirting for a solid year … but I was. I haven’t given him any encouragement along these lines.

I talk about Bob – and the love I had and still have for him all the time. I had to pull over to the side shoulder and stare at the message for a good long time before answering.

I don’t believe this person knows what he’s wanting to jump into. My life is very complicated. I am a Widow – that comes with too much baggage to label and try to explain … and though this man has heard me talk, I don’t believe he has actually heard me: it’s not that I “used to love” my husband – I still love Bob! I will always love Bob.

If this man truly wants to date ME, and not just what he thinks {me} is, then he needs to understand that there will be three of us involved in this developing relationship: I won’t be dragging Bob into every situation on every occasion, but Bob will at some point, be very present in a moment, which will make life difficult for this man when that moment surfaces. An anniversary date of some sort (our March meeting, our April First Date, our August Wedding date, our daughter Stacey’s birth date, grandchildren moments, LIFE moments, Bob’s Eternal Life date, ect.): these dates will come up – and so will all the complex feelings those dates bring with them.

This man is divorced. Divorce is not death related. Bob and I did not want to end our life together. I am still coming to terms with that ending.

Admittedly, I am in a much better place today than I have been in the past 4 years; but the missingness is still there. While it’s true that grief does not stab my heart so sharply – or quickly – when a memory crops up … it does still cripple me emotionally, for a bit. My heart doesn’t know how to compartmentalize the loss it still feels, into a neat little Grief File, that will magically blur the lines between {then} and {now}; to make life easier for a new complication.

My heart actually hurt while I stared at that text message before answering it. I glanced at the dash clock and saw that I needed to make some sort of response, and get back on the road in order to make my morning appointment. My emotions were caught between holding on and letting go – and then, it was like I mentally heard Bob’s voice speaking to me again, like I had heard him speaking that Thanksgiving week in 2018, when he was trying to get me to go to Thanksgiving Supper at Merry’s house: he was trying to make me understand that I needed to get on with my life while his was ending. He wanted me to go to that Supper: I refused; I didn’t want to leave his side. Then, or ever. Those last three weeks of his life, he told me again, and again, “I want you to live, Val. Get on with your life after I’m gone.”

My heart was physically hurting with that leap forward that I took today as I replied to the risky text. I haven’t solicited the feelings being texted to me. I wasn’t sure I wanted to entertain them. All I knew for certain was that Bob wanted me to consider the possibility – and he had given me his approval of this possibility four years ago. So, I conceded.

I decided to {wing it}.

I have been asking Elohim for a companion; someone to spend time with, on a friendly basis. This man and I are friends. This man has seen all sides of my character; the good, the bad, and the ugly moments – he sees, and accepts me, as I am. He treats me with gentleness, care, and respect: even when I am being difficult, or emotional talking about my life with my husband, children and grandchildren before the Winter of 2018 severally altered all of our lives. He has listened, and never made me feel l am a burden to be tolerated. He has good-naturedly flirted off and on, but this morning he flat out stated his intentions.

His text message read similar to what I said to Bob 48 years ago (I have always said Bob was meant specifically for me, even though he jumped the gun with a premature marriage 😉). I always loved Bob from the moment my eyes first saw him in the Fall of 1967; he was trying to heal from a failed marriage when we got together in the Spring 1974. The {then} and {now} situations of my life are sounding eerily similar – the wording is different, but the emotion staring me in the face is kinda freaky! Does this man feel for me the way I felt towards Bob? Should I give him a chance … like Bob gave to me? Bob and I had a wonderful relationship for 44 years. Can this current budding {thing} become something just as deep and satisfying?

This man has told me many times, “I knew who you were the minute you walked into the room; I saw you in my mind’s eye 30 years ago, just like you are now. You may not know it – but I know it.” Should I take the risk? I have a lot of life to live, yet. I have a lot of love to give, still. Can I give this man all of that? Do I really want to go down this trail?

I did ask for a Christian companion, to pal around with; and to have deep discussions with: and here he is … making himself known.

So, these thoughts were what was on my mind when I picked Chrystal up with tears in my eyes. She asked me what was wrong, and I just handed her the phone. She read the message, and looked at me again, and said, “I’ll pray for you both.” She understands. I am rich in true friends; and yet, she is more than a friend. She is a sister of the heart.

She understands.

Then we picked up Pam – and she was clued in, too. She was clued in because she has been praying for two years that I would open my heart to the possibility of another occupancy. She said, “Val, this is great! Bob would not want you to go through the rest of your life alone. You’re still young. You have a lot of love to give yet.” I replied wryly, “I knew you’d be pleased.” And we laughed: me with wet eyes.

I kinda felt like Elohim was ganging up on me, three to one (four to one, if you count Bob’s encouragement, around this time, four years ago). This is a major step forward, for me.

The Tuesday Meeting today, went very well: I have no problem compartmenting in this area 😉

Later, on the way home from dropping Chrystal back at her house, I was brought up short by pretty tail feathers 😊

This is new: a peacock in the middle of the road; Old Pacific Highway. And ... another complication ... they were strutting back and forth, and effectively stopping traffic going both directions.

Ike & Tina Turner – ‘Shake A Tail Feather’ song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnwlHnvWH4Q)

Finally, they are both on the same side of the road! And traffic is moving again. LOL

At home, I got started thawing my Thanksgiving Supper stuff: nothing fancy, but it will “do” just fine.

Thawing my Solo Lobo Thanksgiving 'eats' ... this will be rounded out by mashed spuds, an ear of corn, and a supper roll: not as spartan as it appears.

Mr. Complication changed my solo-planned Thanksgiving Supper Plans; and he is hijacking Sunday afternoon, too 😉

Today was a big day, in so many ways. I need to work some complications out … exercising, like hiking, has always had a calming effect on me 😊

I may be chubby; but, I'm not a flabby chub ;-)

HELPING HANDS

For 3 years I’ve been the recipient of unconditional love, acceptance, and unlimited help … from the occasional family member, steady loyal friends, and sometimes from absolute strangers; today was the start of my “getting back into the swing of things”, on a local level.

I’ve always been a helper – I honestly never needed help of any sort, until I became a widow; being in the position of need was an unfamiliar feeling. I am thankful that those who stepped in to help me, knew me, and were kind in the ways they offered – and gave – their help (easing my discomfort of neediness). They helped me out of the goodness of their hearts; I owe them a debt I can never repay. And they won’t ask me to recompence them.

But I can be kind.

And I can pay that kindness forward.

That is payment enough for my friends 😊

I’ve always been a helper.

I have missed that part of myself.

Today my helping hands were busy for two hours, across town: it felt good to be actively engaged in helping again. Afterwards, I ate an early supper at El Ranchero, and visited with the owners; they were happy to see me again, and I was happy to see them again.

Cute ice rounds.

Mural artwork reminds me of the Jewel Quest Game I play on my laptop.

I will be using my helping hands at that end of town on a regular basis … and I will be visiting with my friends, more frequently, again.

I can also be helpful on a national level, too.

I like to keep my hands busy 😉

But not just busy for the sake of being busy – I like my hands to be busy with a purpose.

Another source of lending my hands to help, is Angel Blankets for families dealing with infant loss.

MOD Baby Blanket; Angel Baby Size 21-inch x 21-inch.

Widowhood has taught me quite a bit about things I did not know.

I did not know grief could be so hard to come to terms with: I did not know how important little mementoes would be. I did not understand that missingness would last a lifetime. I was unaware of the struggle between self-reliance and needing the support of others.

I could not have come this far without the help and support of my lifelong-friends; and strangers who have become cherished friends.

Friends with helping hands.

I am glad my hands are being put to use again.

(https://www.facebook.com/officialflo/videos/sometimes-you-need-friends-to-get-over-an-obstacle/10154479229299325/)

STANDING ON MY OWN

Slipping into bed last night, I got to thinking about the distance from Kerry’s home in the foothills of Mt. St. Helens … to my house here, at Heron Pointe: until I drove that highway myself, I didn’t fully realize the distance.

And I also got to thinking about how self-sufficient I will become when I get my new home in the country.

So, I decided that I’d start standing on my own – starting with hanging that foyer mirror 😉

The trouble is not with hanging the mirror, itself: it’s more to do with finding the studs behind the wall, and securing screws in place to hold the weight of the mirror.

Kerry, like Bob, knows how to do that by tapping on the walls and listening for the sound vibrations that tells where the studs are. Also, Bob would automatically just know by determining how the house was built – that would tell him exactly where the studs were placed.

I don’t know any of that.

So, I asked for help: and would watch, to learn.

But, last night, I decided that I would just have to cut Kerry some slack in his Good Samaritan mercies, and learn by jumping into the fire and hoping I don’t get burned 😉

Reroute for Naselle Coffee Hour; canceled Friday plans.

Beaver Creek Road from Heron Pointe; via WA-4 W - 19 mins.

Beaver Creek Road drops onto the Elochoman Road.

Naselle from Beaver Creek Road, off the Elochoman Road; via WA-4 W - 48 mins.

This morning, before pulling out of the carport on my way to Naselle, I called Kerry and told him I’m grateful for all his help … but “I need to figure this man stuff out for myself”.

And I do.

When I get to the country, I’ll have to be self-sufficient.

I need to figure this 'man stuff' out, on my own; if I plan on moving to the country.

I want to be self-sufficient: I once was.

I do not want to do what other widows do: get married to have a man on hand to get things done.

I am capable of getting my own stuff done.

My confidence was crippled, and my gray matter was sputtering with misfires all of 2019. I missed Bob so much I lost sense of who I was without him. My life and body missed Bob so much, my brain was running interference with the missingness, by shutting down my thought process when the missingness was overwhelming.

Widows and widowers got that; others didn’t.

I appeared addle-minded.

But I was really in survival mode.

My life started getting on track all of 2020.

My confidence was strengthened, and my brain didn’t have to run interference with my thoughts anymore: I was more engaged in the moment to moment happening of a daily life unfolding.

I wasn’t asking for help so much.

My life was making a comeback 😊

With the dawning of 2021, I was back in the swing of things.

Life is humming along – I like that.

I want to keep up that momentum.

So, last night, I decided that I needed to up the ante in getting back into the swing of things. I am not a stupid woman – if I don’t know something, I can learn: and using a stud finder is just as good as tapping on the walls.

I gave all Bob’s drills and drill bits to Alex and Kerry because they were just too darned heavy and bulky for my hands and wrists. But, I can buy smaller drills; heavy enough to get the job done – yet light enough to use, without causing pain to my wrist joint.

I’m pretty sure I can get both at Lowe’s, in town.

By leaving early, and driving over Beaver Creek Road, I made good time in getting to Naselle 😊

The day was a beautiful blue-sky-day, despite the smoke on the breeze: though everyone coughed a little now and then, it wasn’t enough to hurt the lungs or make breathing a painful burn.

On my way back home, I made a detour to Eden Valley.

Eden Valley from Naselle; via WA-4 E - 25 mins.

I’m not carrying on a convo at the cemetery anymore; but when I have big decisions to make, or weighty things on my mind … I will drive out there, and just sit.

I’m not going there as often as I was – that’s a bittersweet growth in my forward movement.

‘Til I Can Make It On My Own’ song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHycUpawWh0

It comforts me – I know he’s not there; but there is a connection of sorts, there.

I miss Bob’s calm and soothing presence; his cremains are there. That knowledge, is enough to help me sort my emotions.

Everything was manicured nicely.

I miss his voice; I miss our conversations – though I cannot hear Bob’s voice anymore … I can remember what he sounded like. I can recall the advice he gave then – and would give now if he could.

It’s oddly relaxing to just sit there: it is helpful at times.

Leaving Eden Valley, I turned onto Barr Road. It’s a nice country drive. As I was driving along, listening to Bad Company, a sign caught my eye as I passed it …

Barr Road from Eden Valley; via Eden Valley Road & Altoona-Pillar Rock Road - 14 mins.

This was not on Barr Road on Sunday, when I drove through.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing!

I braked – and backed up, to be sure I saw what I thought I saw.

I snapped a pic, and jetted it off to my realtor to be checked out.

Turning off Barr Road, and onto the Covered Bridge Road, I had to brake and back up again!

Again, I snapped a pic and jetted it off to my realtor; to see if we can learn more about it and find out how available (as in price range) it is.

These houses won't last long, so we gotta strike while the iron is hot.

It's been 3 years since the last one was posted.

This one is on the Covered Bridge Road ... both are surprising; real estate here is very rare.

Covered Bridge Road from Barr Road; via Barr Rd & Covered Bridge Rd - 5 mins.

I glance at this house on the hill every time I drive through – I’ve never seen it for sale before; the locale is perfect: I’m waiting on a price quote.

I was feeling pretty excited, and hopeful – houses for sale here is pretty rare. Graysriver is the area I hope to relocate to, but seeing house for sale is rare: most people sell privately to people they know. Outsiders (aka: not born there), like me, find finding a house there very difficult.

But, I have been praying.

And hoping.

I am standing on His promises.

And Elohim is showing me He is listening 😊

Even if neither of these houses pan out for me … I know that Elohim is hearing me; and if it is His Will for me to live in Graysriver, He will make a way for me to purchase a home there.

There is no doubt – on my part – about that.

Before I turned the Highlander towards home, I decided to drive to Aunt Frieda’s home and ask if she or John might know anything about these houses: who they belong to, where exactly are the flood areas when Winter arrives (both houses are on hills, so the house itself, would be safe). The houses listed surprised her too, so she went on a driving tour with me. We agreed the house on The Covered Bridge Road would suit me best, if it’s meant to be.

If not, she’s agreed to keep her ear to the ground for other possibles.

And I know I can count on Elohim to clue me in when the right one comes along 😉

Beaver Creek Road from Covered Bridge Road; via WA-4 E - 30 mins.

Heron Pointe from Beaver Creek Road; via Beaver Creek Rd & WA-4 E - 27 mins.

I followed a motorcycle all the way from Mill Creek Road to Longview. My heart was in my throat because there was a kid on the back; looked to be about 7 or 8 yo … and very active. He kept wiggling around to look at my car – and the cars behind me: I mean, he was turning his whole body around, not just his head.

What was the driver thinking????

Kids riding in cars have to wear seat belts!

Other than the flimsy helmet the kid was wearing, there was no protection for him at all if that bike tipped, due to all his constant crawling all over the seat.

It was stressful to watch.

This made me nervous - the kid was fidgety; I stayed waaaay back away from them.

I was glad to get away from that disaster waiting to happen, and park in the carport.

I made a salad from garden gleanings: tasty greens (salad and beet leaves), crisp carrot slices, scallions, cucumber, purslane, parsley; nasturtiums, violets, and homemade salad dressing.

Supper Salad.

SO YUM 😊

After Supper, I reviewed my monthly household budget; crunched the numbers, and though I don’t have an accurate quote yet on what I can realistically sell this house for … I am relatively confident that I can buy a decent home in the area I am aiming for.

On my own.

Standing on Faith; and praying for a hefty down payment.

Today was a good day; full of love, hope, and encouragement.