I got a phone call last
night from my niece, and was informed during the course of the convo
of my brother’s (2nd sibling from me – I am the oldest)
recent surgery. That concerned me; so, when I woke this morning, I jetted a
text off to my youngest sister (3rd sibling from me) asking her about
it.
The
returned text reply was complicated – cancer is a complicated thing. There is no
cure for cancer … no matter what medical talking heads will tell you.
If you had cancer, you have cancer; it’s just a matter of time
before it strikes again. But, people do not want to hear that; so I didn’t
try to explain that fact to my sister.
I just thought a while on
that complication, and talked to Elohim about it, while drinking my morning
coffee. I didn’t fall to pieces … I just mused on the ramifications of the
prognosis.
The I got ready for my
Tuesday morning Pep Talk on the hill. I would be ferrying two people to the
meeting this morning – and it was raining heavily with all the gusto a PNW Fall
brings with it, so I left earlier than usual.
I was driving up 38th,
passing the school there, when a second complication appeared on the day’s
docket. I shouldn’t have been surprised, because this fella’s been flirting for
a solid year … but I was. I haven’t given him any encouragement along these
lines.
I talk about Bob – and the love I had and still have
for him all the time. I had to pull over to the side shoulder and
stare at the message for a good long time before answering.
I don’t believe this person
knows what he’s wanting to jump into. My life is very complicated. I am a Widow
– that comes with too much baggage to label and try to explain … and though
this man has heard me talk, I don’t believe he has actually heard me:
it’s not that I “used to love” my husband – I still love Bob! I will
always love Bob.
If this man truly wants to
date ME, and not just what he thinks {me} is, then he needs to
understand that there will be three of us involved in this developing relationship:
I won’t be dragging Bob into every situation on every occasion, but Bob will
at some point, be very present in a moment, which will make life
difficult for this man when that moment surfaces. An anniversary date of some
sort (our March meeting, our April First Date, our August Wedding date, our
daughter Stacey’s birth date, grandchildren moments, LIFE moments, Bob’s Eternal Life date, ect.): these dates
will come up – and so will all the complex feelings those dates bring with
them.
This man is divorced. Divorce
is not death related. Bob and I did not want to end our life together. I am
still coming to terms with that ending.
Admittedly, I am in a much
better place today than I have been in the past 4 years; but the missingness is
still there. While it’s true that grief does not stab my heart so sharply –
or quickly – when a memory crops up … it does still cripple me emotionally, for
a bit. My heart doesn’t know how to compartmentalize the loss it still feels,
into a neat little Grief File, that will magically blur the lines between {then}
and {now}; to make life easier for a new complication.
My heart actually hurt while
I stared at that text message before answering it. I glanced at the dash clock
and saw that I needed to make some sort of response, and get back on the road
in order to make my morning appointment. My emotions were caught between
holding on and letting go – and then, it was like I mentally heard Bob’s
voice speaking to me again, like I had heard him speaking that Thanksgiving
week in 2018, when he was trying to get me to go to Thanksgiving Supper at
Merry’s house: he was trying to make me understand that I needed to get on with
my life while his was ending. He wanted me to go to that Supper: I refused; I didn’t
want to leave his side. Then, or ever. Those last three weeks of his life,
he told me again, and again, “I want you to live, Val. Get on with your life
after I’m gone.”
My heart was physically
hurting with that leap forward that I took today as I replied to the risky
text. I haven’t solicited the feelings being texted to me. I wasn’t sure I
wanted to entertain them. All I knew for certain was that Bob wanted me to
consider the possibility – and he had given me his approval of this possibility
four years ago. So, I conceded.
I decided to {wing it}.
I have been asking Elohim
for a companion; someone to spend time with, on a friendly basis. This man and
I are friends. This man has seen all sides of my character; the good, the bad,
and the ugly moments – he sees, and accepts me, as I am. He treats me with gentleness,
care, and respect: even when I am being difficult, or emotional talking about
my life with my husband, children and grandchildren before the Winter of 2018 severally
altered all of our lives. He has listened, and never made me feel l am a burden
to be tolerated. He has good-naturedly flirted off and on, but this morning he
flat out stated his intentions.
His text message
read similar to what I said to Bob 48 years ago (I have always said Bob was meant
specifically for me, even though he jumped the gun with a premature marriage 😉). I always loved Bob from the moment my eyes first
saw him in the Fall of 1967; he was trying to heal from a failed marriage when
we got together in the Spring 1974. The {then} and {now} situations of my life
are sounding eerily similar – the wording is different, but the emotion staring
me in the face is kinda freaky! Does this man feel for me the way I felt towards
Bob? Should I give him a chance … like Bob gave to me? Bob and I had a
wonderful relationship for 44 years. Can this current budding {thing}
become something just as deep and satisfying?
This man has told me many
times, “I knew who you were the minute you walked into the room; I saw you in
my mind’s eye 30 years ago, just like you are now. You may not know it – but I
know it.” Should I take the risk? I have a lot of life to live, yet. I have a
lot of love to give, still. Can I give this man all of that? Do I really want to
go down this trail?
I did ask for a
Christian companion, to pal around with; and to have deep discussions with: and
here he is … making himself known.
So, these
thoughts were what was on my mind when I picked Chrystal up with tears in my
eyes. She asked me what was wrong, and I just
handed her the phone. She read the message, and looked at me again, and said, “I’ll
pray for you both.” She understands. I am rich in true friends; and yet, she is
more than a friend. She is a sister of the heart.
She understands.
Then we picked up Pam – and
she was clued in, too. She was clued in because she has been praying for
two years that I would open my heart to the possibility of another occupancy.
She said, “Val, this is great! Bob would not want you to go through the rest
of your life alone. You’re still young. You have a lot of love to give yet.”
I replied wryly, “I knew you’d be pleased.” And we laughed: me with wet eyes.
I kinda felt like Elohim was
ganging up on me, three to one (four to one, if you count Bob’s
encouragement, around this time, four years ago). This is a major step
forward, for me.
The Tuesday Meeting
today, went very well: I have no problem compartmenting in this area 😉
Later, on the way home from dropping
Chrystal back at her house, I was brought up short by pretty tail feathers 😊
At home, I got started
thawing my Thanksgiving Supper stuff: nothing fancy, but it will “do” just
fine.
Today was a big day, in so
many ways. I need to work some complications out … exercising, like hiking, has
always had a calming effect on me 😊
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