HOLDING TIGHT TO MEMORIES

Anniversaries are moments that mark the landscape of your life: 1^st Date Anniversaries, Wedding Anniversaries … Death Anniversaries.

Tonight, would have been my 48^th Wedding Anniversary, if Bob had not been called Home.

Though Bob was ready and willing … taking that marriage leap was a huge deal for me. I couldn’t afford to anticipate, expect, or rely on anyone – all that involved trust … and trust, at all points in my life sans Bob, had been seriously broken.

Bob had a high wall to scale.

But he did it; he patiently, and systematically broke through my reserves and proved to me time and time again that he was trustworthy. And so was his unconditional love. He (and it) never wavered: even to his last breath, he was proving to me – and verbalizing to everyone else – his love for me.

My faith in his love was never misplaced; or shaken. And I never gave him reason to question my love for him.

Our love was the real deal.

For four decades.

Bob’s loving embrace always made me feel safe.

Protected.

Beautiful.

Worthy of love.

Completed.

The loss of his comforting touch could have left a devastating hole in my life – had I not been so thoroughly, and faithfully loved for 44 years before his spirit stepped off this Earth.

The touching never stopped – until his breathing stopped.

The memories of our life together still evoke safety, and protection.

Bob’s love still burns bright in my life.

The old dovetails comfortably with the New.

I love you, Babe.  

Always ~ OX

FEBRUARY 14th ~2022

The month of Love.

The day love is universally celebrated.

A difficult day to get through, for those of us who have had our days of wine and roses cut short; no more blissful, passionate Loveuary mornings – no more loving phone calls filled with sweet nothings for our ears only. No more exchanges of Love Cards, thoughtfully chosen and hidden until Loveuary morning.

No more overt expressions of love – that ended with our loved one’s last breath.

For the past three years, I’ve avoided this Day … however, this year I decided to treat myself.

And I thought of Bob as being very much alive (which he IS) in the Spirit; walking alongside me: his body gave out, his soul did not. Knowing this, encourages me every day to keep moving forward. To keep engaging in daily life, in ways that both my Husbands (Yeshua and Bob), can see – in ways that make them both feel happy for me, and proud that I am doing as both want me to do.

Thank you for the love ~ OX

I also thought of the many ways Bob and I valued each other; and showed our love in the small ways that matter in big ways (it’s the little things that lead to big passionate moments): and I did not cry this year.

I enjoyed my treat – and did not make a pig of myself: I wrapped the remaining servings, and put them in the freezer (to be enjoyed later this week – and figured into my calorie counting routine).

I’ll never be young and svelte again … but I can be a slimmer/toned version of myself than I was this time, last year 😉

... broken down into serving size.

And I thought of all the loving throughout previous generations that resulted in my having a life – without those ancestors, I would not exist to have experienced Bob’s wonderful love: I am thankful for all the love that got me here 😊

It rained today, so I stayed inside and did laundry … and worked on designing and crafting another Angel baby blanket.

MOD Blue Angel baby Blanket; 21-in. x 21-in.

All in all, it was a pretty good, low-key day without Bob’s physical presence in it. I miss Bob, but life is treating me well 😊

IT WILL HAVE TO BE ENOUGH

Young Love

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pU_8D5jBqd0)

I have been asked time and time again, over these 3 years, why I am not interested in dating; or remarrying. Why, if there ever is another man in my life … I’d only want him in my life as a friend.

This is my answer: I do not want to waste my time making someone else feel comfortable in their own skin – and being penalized for having loved Bob before I met them.

Bob did not walk out on me - Bob's physical body died: we did not choose to end our relationship, that was chosen for us. Bob's body died - our love did not. I will always love Bob. I should not have to apologize/feel guilty for that endless love.

Pretty simple/pretty basic reason.

Bob was married before I met him. I had been involved in a few serious relationships, myself. Neither of us were pure as the driven snow: we both had a past. We both had been involved with other people.

Bob never talked to me about the ‘love’ part of his marriage with gloria … and I never asked. I wasn’t interested – and I didn’t need my security in his love bolstered: I didn’t need him to prove to me that I was better than gloria.

I always had a pretty healthy sense of self; and didn’t need my ego stroked.

What he had had with gloria, was none of my business.

While it is true, they were divorced … and divorce is different than death … I believe I would have felt the same about that relationship regardless of if she was walking on the earth, or lying 6 feet beneath it.

I understand fully the difference between divorce and death.

But I also understand that if you are going to grill your spouse about their past love in relationship to your love – you shouldn’t get married.

Everyone has a past.

Everyone had a first love – and first loves are hard to lay to rest.

I also happen to know that gloria was not Bob’s first love; I know because he told me, while we were dating who his first love was; I actually met his first love one day we were shopping in Longview. She was a very nice woman; and they had a nice long visit while I wandered the store aisles to give them “space”: first loves are hard to lay to rest.

And Bob never grilled me about my past relationships either: even though several of them stayed in our life for quite some time.

The past was t.h.e.p.a.s.t.

Period.

We loved & respected each other – we kept things light between us.

There was no need for comparisons.

And that is why I will never date or remarry: I don’t want someone feeling they have the right to delve into my relationship with Bob and poke at the love we had between us.

That is mine; and it’s no one else’s business.

And I refuse to belittle our life together by downplaying the love, the passion, the importance of that life I had with Bob, so that some other man can have his insecurities pacified.

A companionable friendship is enough for me: it will have to be enough for any man who thinks to be part of my life.