DIFFERENT DEPTHS OF LOVE

I have had a lot on my mind lately.

A lot of things in my life are changing: mindset, lifestyle, friendships … the list goes on: just like life. Life continually moves forward. So does everything else that affects life.

And all of it involves love at some point.

I read an article the other day that echoes what I hear several of my widowed friends repeating: {{“Was --- my one and only? Will I ever find a love on the level I had with him? In the five years since he died, I’ve examined and re-examined our marriage and – honestly – there were flaws. Neither of us was perfect, but the love we shared was. He truly was my other half. I still feel the strength of the bond we shared years later. Will I ever feel that again for someone else? Have all my tears and all my love been used up on ---? I’ll try to keep an open mind. I don’t want to self-sabotage or dismiss the possibility that I can share a love like that again with someone. Maybe I just haven’t met the right guy. But when I remember the passionate love I felt for ---, I simply can’t imagine experiencing it again. He was my person …”}}

I can identify – BUT I also believe there are different depths of love.

Storge and agape love interest me at the moment; they “fit” where my life is at the moment.

I’ll be a 4-year widow in December. My Bob was, and still IS, my one great passion: I could never share with anyone else what Bob and I had together – our love consumed us; we were definitely each other’s half, and together we made a perfect whole. I do not believe I will ever find another man like Bob. I do not believe that I will ever again experience the love Bob and I shared: there will never be a replacement for Bob, or for the passion we shared together for 44 years.

And so, I am not looking for that love.

But … I do believe that while one life may end, the other need not until it is their time.

I am open to a companionship – not a “friend with benefits”; but a friendly companion I can share time and life with. A mature friend who understands that there isn’t going to be “a level up”. I know such friendships are real. Rare, but real: this is the 1st year I have even seriously considered so much as a friendly companion; so, I know I am beginning to heal. I am ready to move forward. But I also know that I am not ready to share my body, or my home with another man. THAT still belongs to Bob: it always has, it always will. And any man who enters my life from this day forward WILL understand. I truly believe that.

I don’t know how much time I have left (tomorrow is not promised); but I do know that while I’ve been a content Solo Lobo for the past 3-1/2 years, I miss sharing my life with someone who cares if I live or die. I have a lot of love to still share with someone. I am open to the possibility of a friendly companion who feels as I do – perhaps a widower who has also lost their heart to their only love. And that’s okay.

Life continues to move forward as we walk the boulevard of broken dreams.

And there are different depths of love.

With those thoughts zinging around in my head, I went for a walk 😉

I took the long route: I have thinking to do.

I need to walk some thoughts out ... I didn’t even bother with my hair: I just dressed, and went.

Coal Creek Rd. to Eufaula Heights Rd.; 9 mins.

Eufaula Heights Rd. to Germany Creek Rd., via Stella Road - 16 mins.

MAP Mill Creek Rd. from Eufaula Heights Rd.; 16 min (9.3 mi) via Germany Creek Rd.

Erosion on Beaver Creek Road is still a dicey situation.

Elochoman Road from Mill Creek Road; via Beaver Creek Road - 24 min (10.1 miles)

Rain started at the crest of Beaver Creek Road.

It was blue skies, and dry roads in the Elochoman Valley.

Cathlamet from Elochoman Valley; 11 min (6.8 mi) via Elochoman Valley Rd.

Skamokawa from Cathlamet; 8 min (6.7 mi) via WA-4 W

I turned off the main highway and onto Brook's Slough Road ...

I saw a ragged-looking coyote, near the end of Brook's Slough Road; it looked starved. Sorry about the jerky shot – the road was very rough.

Something new … walking this trail, this afternoon.

I parked Highlander ... and set off.

Easy; all flat terrain.

I'm not alone; one of the dangers of solo lobo hiking.

Heavy gray clouds rolling in off the river ...

I could hear thunder in the distance ... Legend of Rip Van Winkle:(https://www.legendsofamerica.com/ny-ripvanwinkle/ & https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14WcHFPaJio)

I only got half way into my hike when the cloudburst happened ☹

I was soaked by the time I walked back to the parked Horizon … and my jacket was still wet when I walked through the front door at home 😉

But before I got back home, I nipped into the burger bar heading out of Cathlamet – the burger’s here are so good!

Supper here; YUMMY cheeseburger and onion rings.

Longview from Cathlamet; 33 min (25.0 mi) via Ocean Beach Highway

Back in Longview, and nearing Oak Point … I saw something I’d never seen before.

I researched this thing at home, later on: “ballast water is pumped out ..."

As I sat and watched for a few minutes, I realized I was at the apex point of what kickstarted my thought process – this area is the area most of my thoughts center on. I’ve spent most of this year in this one region … and now I have thoughts I need to sort out.

I’ve pretty much decided what I’m going to be doing.

I just have to do it.

Some of the changes will be easy – those changes are already happening, without my hand in any of it.

Some changes will be harder; some people will not understand. Hurt is inevitable.

Immediate change (1) While sitting there watching that water spew from the ship’s side, I also called the Rosburg Hall Coordinator and canceled my Bazaar Table: it would be fun and I do enjoy Bazaars … but three weeks just isn’t enough time to pull together new inventory. There simply isn’t enough time. The Bazaar was hastily decided upon as soon as insleeze announced he was lifting the mask mandate (scheduled to be lifted, October 21^st – the Bazaar is the 29^th). It takes me a full year to make items for my Bazaar Cache. Three weeks is not a full year. I’m not going to drive myself crazy to make the coordinator happy; Bazaars need to be announced at least 3 months in advance … then vendors at least have a chance of having the inventory necessary to cash in on the output of trip costs, and table fees (bare income necessities).

Frieda was hurt, and her voice conveyed that. I was sorry, and I hope she understood.

But I ultimately have to put ME, and my well-being, first.

Hopefully, while Winter weather keeps me out of the fray for a few months (and get-togethers aren’t as frequent as they have been for gentler months), understanding will deepen – and the sting of hurt will lessen: I did warn everyone from the get-go, that I don’t like to let moss grow under my feet.

I’ve enjoyed the local time, with local friends.

BUT …

I’ve got to keep moving. I get antsy if I am not mobile. It’s time to branch out a bit more. I’ve missed the road trips. I never did get to do a solo lobo overnight away from home.

Most of my new friends are preppers: I am not. I live day to day, trusting Elohim to provide ... and He always does. Everything we enjoy today – in the moment – is temperol: LIFE IS TEMPERAL. I don't want to argue that fact; I don't want to be swayed to thier way of thinking. I have not "heard from on High" the {need} to stockpile food (or anything else) for the next century. I seriously doubt I will live to see the next century ushered in!

I got a year older – time is marching forward. I want to match its forward pace.

Friends in surrounding counties have been after me all of this year (while I’ve been kept busy with friendship activities locally), to “come visit!” … that sounds like a real good Plan for 2023 😊

And to be quite honest – real friends won’t mind if I’m not ‘handy’ 24/7/365. They’ll want me to be happy 24/7/365 😉

I’m not happy when I feel stuck.

Change is necessary for me. I’m a complicated gal, living a complicated life. The love I’m angling for, “gets” that.

Last night, I finished my last read; so tonight, I chose a new one to balance out the heavy thinking of hard decisions:

New Read.

SHABBAT BLESSINGS/Pt. 2 ~ Julia Butler Hansen Game Refuge

After I left Skamokawa Vista Park, I turned the Highlander towards the river hike at the Julia Butler Hansen Game Refuge. It was a good day for a relaxing walk.

I drove past the Redmen Hall along the short hop-skip-and jump to my destination.

Redmen Hall & Skamokawa Fair Dates; spur to Sleepy Hallow, Middle Valley, Skamokawa.

(http://columbiariverimages.com/Regions/Places/skamokawa.html)

I hadn’t eaten anything yet, so I stopped at what used to be known as ‘Hoby’s Store’, and grabbed a 3 Musketeer Bar to munch while I walked. I planned on having lunch at the Duck Inn afterwards, so I didn’t want to eat anything filling just yet 😉

Used to be Hoby's Store; that is how I always think of it, doesn't matter what it is called today.

Where my bio-father's siblings lived in Skamokawa.

 The old river tavern & brothel; revamped, but still a shady lady. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4I-0U2I0qg)

New Business name.

Remodeled, and unrecognizable; no resemblance at all to the original design.

The kayak place used to be a riverfront tavern/brothel around the turn of the last century … and it was pretty dilapidated, and dangerous in places (missing floor boards, missing steps, rotten river piers, ect.) when I was a kid; we were all forbidden to be near it – but because it was forbidden, that’s where we all wanted to be; and where we were 😉

Thank the Lord, Elohim protected us in our youthful foolishness and rebellion.

A tree leaning heavily over the roadway made me nervous – but I drove under it anyway, staying ‘in the moment’: next time, I will drive in from the other end of the Refuge, and park by Hornstra’s Beach.

A leaning tree made me nervous driving under it ...

As I walked ... I thought about yesterday – and tried not to get too upset about the way the obamanites are ruining life at every turn with their tyrannical power-grabs, and maniacal mandates.

They may think they are gods … BUT Elohim STILL reigns; and HE decides what is best for my life – and gives me the freedom to move in any direction. I always chose His Way: Elohim has never failed me. Ever. His Way can be trusted 100%

I don’t have to understand it – I just have to trust Him, and have faith for the outcome. I’ve never been sorry that I trusted Him will all aspects of my life. I've only ever regretted running ahead of Him, and trying to outdistance His Plan.

I know people think I’m out of touch with reality: I don’t care what they think.

I know what I know.

I know my life is blessed.

I am content in whatever circumstance/situation I find my life in.

I do not need to know the future to enjoy life in the moment 😊

House selling & house hunting has been sidelined.

I'll just stay where I'm at.

Things could be worse.

Only an enormous ego believes it has the confidence to beat death. Nothing/nobody beats death – when it’s your time, the Grim Reaper comes calling: masks, 6-ft. distances, shut down mandates, or vaccine political hardball: everyone dies, no matter how hard they try to throw a 7 or an 11; political talking heads aiming for a winning run are only fooling themselves – and science “facts” drip from lying lips playing whore to political dogs.

The economy is in freefall … and biden is ‘on vacation’. {Vacation} from what! All the hellish mischief he and his obamanite hounds from Hell have stirred up for the past 5 years – more specifically, since the obamanite January 6^th coup, with him as top billing ventriloquist talking head?

biden is ‘out to lunch’ on any day; but now, with the world in chaos – quickly moving towards war/wildfires with no end in sight, thanks to the deadhead ‘forest management’ MISmanagement/crisis at the southern border/and the economy in frenzied knots, thanks to the demonrat power grabs … he decides he needs a vacation.

That obamanite moron needs to be dethroned, and a REAL President (the one actually voted for) sworn in, before obama and his delusional talking heads seriously destroy America – and the lives of Americans.

Yet, despite our nation’s dire circumstances, Elohei blesses those who put their trust in Him.

There is nothing new under the sun: what is happening as happened time and time again throughout the History of mankind.

I really have a good life - Bob provided well for me.

Thankful for the life I have been blessed to enjoy.

I saw a ship in the distance; it was moving right along, at a pretty good clip ...

I took my time enjoying life as it unfolded, as I walked the trail.

The hike was restorative.

The temperature was a nice 73-degrees along the river.

The early morning dream that had jolted me awake with tears, had evaporated as the day progressed.

My God is a good God.

I was enjoying a Shabbat of remembered blessing.

I was enjoying a Shabbat of unfolding blessing.

My heart, and steps, were light 😊

A swallowtail Butterfly.

The soft sounds of frogs along the river; frogs can whistle, croak, ribbit, peep, cluck, bark, and grunt: this afternoon, they softly peeped and trilled.

Turkey buzzards.

Turkey buzzards are 2-toned brown, with a red head.

(https://www.chattnaturecenter.org/visit/experience/wildlife/animal-facts/turkey-vulture/)

The ship was making good time as I dawdled.

The hazy gray sky seemed ominous with all those buzzards flapping around ...

Roosting buzzards were kinda creepy - I kept reminding myself they are important in the grand scheme of things.

The ship caught up with me at the end of the short trail.

Delicate white blooms of the Arrowhead plant (aka; Duck Potato plant).

Bird sounds.

Another ship! This one headed downriver, to the ocean.

Ship sounding its horn.

I saw a black heron fly over my head – but it was too fast to get a picture!

Internet picture because my black heron was too fast ...

I didn’t even know there was such a bird 😉

I moseyed along, enjoying the sights and sounds of river wildlife: yellow, and white butterflies darting here and there, and winged grasshoppers taking to the breeze when I got to close to them. Trilling frogs, chirping birds, and honking ships: it was a nice summer walk 😊

When the Refuge hike was finished, I stopped at the Duck Inn for a bite to eat before heading back to Longview.

As I started to sit at a booth, I noticed a familiar face a table ahead of me; it was Mary Johnson-Baldwin. We got up at the same time, and hugged each other, and engaged in a good, short visit – catching up on our lives since we last saw each other (1975, at my baby shower 😉): I’m glad we ran into each other.

I felt blessed.

I love Mary – she is a good person to know.

I spent most of my early teen summers at her house in Middle Valley, Skamokawa.

Lunch (1/2) & Supper (1/2); Duck Inn Restaurant.

 

**SHABBAT BLESSINGS/Pt. 3 ~ Stella: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2021/08/shabbat-blessingspt-3-stella.html

**SHABBAT BLESSINGS/Pt. 1 ~ Skamokawa Vista Park: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2021/08/shabbat-blessingspt-1-skamokawa-vista.html