I have had a lot on my mind lately.
A lot of things in my life are changing:
mindset, lifestyle, friendships … the list goes on: just like life. Life
continually moves forward. So does everything else that affects life.
And all of it involves love
at some point.
I read an article the other day that echoes
what I hear several of my widowed friends repeating: {{“Was --- my one and only? Will I ever find a love on the level I had
with him? In the five years since he died, I’ve examined and re-examined our
marriage and – honestly – there were flaws. Neither of us was perfect, but the
love we shared was. He truly was my other half. I still feel the strength of
the bond we shared years later. Will I ever feel that again for someone else?
Have all my tears and all my love been used up on ---? I’ll try to keep an open
mind. I don’t want to self-sabotage or dismiss the possibility that I can share
a love like that again with someone. Maybe I just haven’t met the right guy.
But when I remember the passionate love I felt for ---, I simply can’t imagine
experiencing it again. He was my person …”}}
I can identify – BUT I also believe
there are different depths of love.
Storge and agape love interest me at the
moment; they “fit” where my life is at the moment.
I’ll be a 4-year widow in December. My Bob
was, and still IS, my one great passion: I could never share with anyone else
what Bob and I had together – our love consumed us; we were definitely each
other’s half, and together we made a perfect whole. I do not believe I will
ever find another man like Bob. I do not believe that I will ever again
experience the love Bob and I shared: there will never be a replacement for
Bob, or for the passion we shared together for 44 years.
And so, I am not looking for that love.
But … I do believe that while one life may
end, the other need not until it is their time.
I am open to a companionship – not a “friend
with benefits”; but a friendly companion I can share time and life with. A
mature friend who understands that there isn’t going to be “a level up”. I know
such friendships are real. Rare, but real: this is the 1st year I have even seriously
considered so much as a friendly companion; so, I know I am beginning to
heal. I am ready to move forward. But I also know that I am not
ready to share my body, or my home with another man. THAT still belongs to Bob:
it always has, it always will. And any man who enters my life from this day
forward WILL understand. I truly believe that.
I don’t know how much time I have left (tomorrow
is not promised); but I do know that while I’ve been a content Solo Lobo
for the past 3-1/2 years, I miss sharing my life with someone who cares if I
live or die. I have a lot of love to still share with someone. I am open to the
possibility of a friendly companion who feels as I do – perhaps a widower who
has also lost their heart to their only love. And that’s okay.
Life continues to move forward as we walk the
boulevard of broken dreams.
And there are different depths of
love.
With those thoughts zinging
around in my head, I went for a walk 😉
I took the long route: I have
thinking to do.
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I only got half way into my hike when the cloudburst
happened ☹
I was soaked by the time I walked back to the
parked Horizon … and my jacket was still wet when I walked through the front
door at home 😉
But before I got back home, I nipped into the burger bar heading out of Cathlamet – the
burger’s here are so good!
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Back in Longview, and nearing Oak Point … I
saw something I’d never seen before.
As I sat and watched for a few minutes, I
realized I was at the apex point of what kickstarted my thought process – this area
is the area most of my thoughts center on. I’ve spent most of this year in this
one region … and now I have thoughts I need to sort out.
I’ve pretty much decided what I’m going to be
doing.
I just have to do it.
Some of the changes will be easy – those changes
are already happening, without my hand in any of it.
Some changes will be harder; some people will
not understand. Hurt is inevitable.
Immediate change (1) While sitting there watching that water spew from the ship’s
side, I also called the Rosburg Hall Coordinator and canceled my Bazaar Table: it
would be fun and I do enjoy Bazaars … but three weeks just isn’t enough
time to pull together new inventory. There simply isn’t enough time. The
Bazaar was hastily decided upon as soon as insleeze announced he was lifting
the mask mandate (scheduled to be lifted, October 21st – the Bazaar
is the 29th). It takes me a full year to make items for my
Bazaar Cache. Three weeks is not a full year. I’m not going to drive myself
crazy to make the coordinator happy; Bazaars need to be announced at least 3
months in advance … then vendors at least have a chance of having the inventory
necessary to cash in on the output of trip costs, and table fees (bare income
necessities).
Frieda was hurt, and her voice conveyed that.
I was sorry, and I hope she understood.
But I ultimately have to put ME,
and my well-being, first.
Hopefully, while Winter weather keeps me out
of the fray for a few months (and get-togethers aren’t as frequent as they
have been for gentler months), understanding will deepen – and the sting of
hurt will lessen: I did warn everyone from the get-go, that I don’t like
to let moss grow under my feet.
I’ve enjoyed the local time, with local
friends.
BUT …
I’ve got to keep moving. I get antsy if I am not mobile. It’s time to branch out
a bit more. I’ve missed the road trips. I never did get to do a solo lobo
overnight away from home.
Most of my new friends are preppers: I am not. I live day to day, trusting Elohim to provide ... and He always does. Everything we enjoy today – in the moment – is temperol: LIFE IS TEMPERAL. I don't want to argue that fact; I don't want to be swayed to thier way of thinking. I have not "heard from on High" the {need} to stockpile food (or anything else) for the next century. I seriously doubt I will live to see the next century ushered in!
I got a year older – time is marching
forward. I want to match its forward pace.
Friends in surrounding counties
have been after me all of this year (while I’ve
been kept busy with friendship activities locally), to “come visit!”
… that sounds like a real good Plan for 2023 😊
And to be quite honest – real friends won’t mind
if I’m not ‘handy’ 24/7/365. They’ll want me to be happy 24/7/365
😉
I’m not happy when I feel stuck.
Change is necessary for me. I’m a complicated
gal, living a complicated life. The love I’m angling for, “gets” that.
Last night, I finished my last read; so
tonight, I chose a new one to balance out the heavy thinking of hard decisions:
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