MY MANLY MAN

This was the first movie I ever saw with Bob. It was playing the Columbia Theatre.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBeTKEeyJeU

Bob had told me he was Shovel Operator in Durrah & Martin’s Logging, Inc. (a small gypo logging outfit). I think he took me to the movie to show me what he did.

Skagit Logging Shovel

Before Bob was promoted to Shovel Operator – the gravy train position; he had done it all: started driving log truck, which he was very familiar with because his father owned his own log truck, and his mother had driven that truck for years … until Kerry was born: then she quits, saying, “4 kids in the cab of a log truck is too damned many!” She was as good a driver as most men: and better than some 😉

1960. BOB, 11 yo. Standing by Bob Sr's. Log Truck. Bob was maintaining and driving that truck - he grew up in it.

1969 - BOB. Toutle Hargand property. Bob Sr, Bonnie, Bob, Merry & Kerry.

1969-1971 timeframe. BOB securing the log wrappers on the loaded logs while driving log truck in the Mt. St. Helen's area.

Bob also was a choker setter, a log skinner, and a tree topper. The first time I saw him thousands of feet off the ground, sawing a tree down to size, I was freaked out – he looked so tiny up there!

Choker setting

Tree Skinner

Tree Topper

Bob also drove the Crew to work every morning in the “Crummy” (the crew van): it was parked in our driveway for 18 years – and the crew was dropped off at our house by their wives. Bob never hauled me out of bed to pour coffee or to see him off, because I was usually dropping into bed as the alarm clock was going off to start his work days. He just kissed me and I mumbled, “I love you, Babe – stay safe and come home to me alive.” My biggest fear was his boss coming by during the day to tell me I was a widow. Logging was a very dangerous job.

His boss, Jimmy Durrah, did drop by the house one afternoon to give me Bob’s bonus (an extra surprise) … and when he saw my face, he never did that again. He was so sorry he scared me, that I ended up consoling him! I loved Jimmy, and he always treated us like family – he knew Bob from birth, and really did love Bob like a son; he treated me like a daughter, and Stacey like the grandchild he never had. When he died, I cried like I would for a beloved family member.

Bob was also the mechanic … so when machinery needed tended too on weekends, we all went to the landing. I loved being in the forests. Stacey never did; but for me, it was a day in paradise. I miss that.

Bob was a jack-of-all-trades, and pretty irreplaceable in his boss’s outfit; as well as in my life.

I don’t know if Bob ever tied logs together in a log raft … but I do know his hotrod Camero ended up sitting on a log raft at the Puget Island end of the bridge that links Cathalmet to Puget Island: he showed me where the log raft sat at the time, while he laughingly told me how his car ended up on the raft in the river. I am glad I did not know Bob at that time – I would have been white-haired before 30! By the time I met him at 17, his wild streak had pretty much burned out. Thank the Lord 😉

Log Raft in river

Bob and his 1968 Camaro hot rod.

Bob would come home with fir dust in his hair, and on his clothes – mingled with diesel oil: I would always breathe in deeply when he swept me up in a bear hug – and he would laugh and shake his head until I had fir dust on me too. We had a wood stove too for half of our married life; I loved the smell of fir: the pungent scent of freshly cut fir will always make me think of Bob.

I watch this movie every time it is available to watch; and I always smile, because though this movie is fiction … the logging scenes, and the log raft death is very realistic, and true to the hard way loggers live – and make a living.

Man! I miss Bob: but, I am not crying tonight – I am smiling. Bob gave me lots of good memories 😊

TIMELY

About a month ago, when my leg started misbehaving, I determined to find ways to deal with the thing organically and holistically … and I set goals for a timely recovery.

I am healing nicely, and the goals are on target 😉

Last night we had power surges during the rainy downfall, so I shut the laptop down and chose a new book to read 😊

Familiar author – new read.

When Bob was still working before retirement, he brought a book home in his lunch pail one morning when his shift ended: I was curious and read the back storyline while repacking his lunch pail for his night shift.

I was intrigued.

Bob turned me onto Clive Cussler books a decade ago ... I was hooked with the first book.

Spending the night with Clive is a pleasure. LOL

This morning I woke up feeling refreshed and motivated, so I got dressed and drove to Baker’s Corner where I grabbed a Breakfast Burger (I was really after the Breakfast Casserole, but that was gone already) and a Vanilla Coke, and drove to Willow Grove.

I am not going to allow myself to become limited by what some consider a handicap.

As long as I am capable of being actively mobile … I intend to be actively mobile.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G84NqcI_8A8)

I had planned to walk the upper end of the dike for my first day out and about, but after reading several chapters of Clive’s book last night: the river walk seemed more fitting.

Plus, Willow Grove is closer – if I got a sciatic pinch in my hip/thigh; or an arthritic shin cramp (which feels like a burning charley horse when it sets in), getting home to lie down and calm it all down, would be quicker … and safer; being only 8 minutes away from my driveway.

I tend to push the envelope every chance I get; but I am no fool.

I don’t play fast and loose with my life, or my body: even if some think I do.

Bob was the daredevil of the family.

I’m more of the mindset to take things easy, let healing set in, test the boundaries … then step out lightly and carefully before going full throttle.

So today, I tested the boundaries; setting out lightly and carefully 😉

I chose Willow Grove for my walk because I am reading a book about ships ...

A half a mile walk will suffice for my 1st day out.

Windy ... but almost balmy in temperature.

2 ships anchored - waiting for Port admittance further upriver.

A seagull sitting on a wave break post.

Half a mile in half an hour.

When I got back home, I tried to upload the pics/vids I took during my morning walk … and was frustrated when they were rerouted to another section of the laptop innards I can’t decipher.

This would not be an issue with Bob.

I am not Bob: it was an issue.

I shot off a pissed text to my granddaughter, asking her if she knew of a way to untangle the updated mess Microsoft and Apple had tossed me; she was working, but she did get back to me when she could ... and I am able to post my pics/vids again. 

In the meantime, as I was waiting and fuming; I was sitting in Bob’s recliner (it felt so good! I have not been able to sit in it for a month because sitting was painful) contemplating the frustration … when I happened to glance out the window and saw a ‘hang 5’ toggle cloud gently glide by, high in the sky.

Even now, Bob is STILL my greatest cheerleader! Thanks Babe ~ OX

I laughed.

Bob’s loving comfort always comes through in timely methods.

I swear Bob was riding the clouds and seeing my fierce eyes, decided to shoot me some loving encouragement.

This is not the first time he has given me signs he is near (hang 5 toggle clouds, and clouds parting overhead in a heart shaped opening; finding heart-shaped rocks): they always appear when I need comfort.

I am comforted.

And I do not think this comforting is at odds with our Christian Faith.

I never put my love for Bob, over Elohei.

I do not – nor have I ever, idolized Bob.

I believe Elohim is okay with the signs.

In Elohei, live and breathe; and have my being.

I trust my life 100% to Elohim.

Yeshua is my Husband, now.

I am stepping out, and settling up, in my new life: with that mindset.

I am able to do what I can do in the moment because I walk by Faith, knowing Elohim has everything under control and has only good things in store for my life.

Today was an excellent start in a timely mode.

ROSBURG HALL BAZAAR 2020 ~ Happy Is As Happy Does

I was up bright and early this morning.

2 things had me feeling nervous: (1) KM Mountain (2) the last time I hosted a Bazaar table at the Rosburg Hall … Bob was with me.

Bob’s family is related to 2/3^rd’s of the population that way – so much so, that when our children started maturing we told them, “You cannot date anyone from Graysriver, Rosburg, Naselle, or Astoria – every other person is relative in one way, or another, to your father.”

Our kids literally had to leave the immediate area … and State … to safely date.

No joke.

This Bazaar, Bob is not here.

Bob would not be with me.

I am ‘family’ – and yet, not.

Bob by my side made me ‘family’: Bob is no longer here.

9/10^th’s of Bob’s family is no longer in my life; and I am no longer included in family shindigs. Bob’s place in the family is vacant, and there is no longer any place for me. There is a BIL and a SIL that are still hanging … but the bulk of Bob’s family doesn’t know what to do with me: they never had that much to do with me before – and the {fit} is uncomfortable after.

So, I was understandably nervous.

And, on another topic: the PNW is in our rainy season now, and will be for months – morning fog is going to be hanging in the air pretty steadily for some time.

Fog didn’t bother Bob like it bothers me.

Bob grew up I a foggy area; and as a logger, and truck driver … Bob drove/worked in heavily fogged mornings.

On scary mountain roads that would steal your breath with fear if you saw them in clear daylight.

That didn’t bother Bob either.

Bob loved challenges.

Bob excelled at conquering challenges.

I am a pretty headstrong and determined woman.

But I am not totally fearless.

Yawning 1,000-foot gorges, and foggy roadways unnerve me.

So, I girded myself with boldness; requested to be held up with prayer … and set forth 😉

Getting ready to leave the house.

Hoping for a good turnout & a profitable day.

I want to give back to the community that gave me Bob …

I hadn’t even reached Stella, when it was obvious that I needed to pull over and switch back to wearing my old glasses – it was just too dangerous to continue wearing the new ones: the distance was very blurry, and I knew that if I did come to a fog bank, the new glasses would be a serious snafu.

They had to be removed, and replaced.

And I was peeved – the whole purpose of buying new glasses was so that I could see clearly into the distance.

But, I have not been able to do that with these new lenses.

It was just too risky to continue with them – thank God (!) I kept this old pair, or I would have been up the proverbial ‘creek without a paddle’ …

I had to switch back to my old glasses to see!

My first tangle with fog happened at County Line; soupy fog, so it wasn’t too hindering.

By the time I reached Bunker Hill, I’d lost sight of the roadway twice. It was scary, but I reached back into the recesses of my memory and pulled on e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. Bob (as passenger) had ever told me about driving in heavy fog; and I turned my mind’s eye inward to {see} Bob driving through the fog … and I mimicked that.

If Bob had been here, I probably would have pulled over and said, “Okay, Babe, this scares me: you need to drive now.”

But Bob is no longer a passenger.

Bob. 2006

Bob is no longer available.

I no longer have a backup driver: there’s just me.

So, I drew on everything I could remember about fog driving.

Bob had learned to drive early, in Eden Valley – he was driving tractor at 9 years old; his Dad taught him. It gets foggy, very foggy in Eden Valley. Then he graduated from tractor to truck. Bob was a good driver – a very good driver.

And Bob was a skillful driving instructor: anybody would have been privileged to have had Bob as an instructor.

I was privileged from the moment he slipped that little gold band on the 3^rd finger of my left hand; but I was a rebellious teenager – I wasn’t interested in learning, so I blew his enthusiasm off, and I bucked his instructions; pacifying him with a driver’s permit and slacking off on seriously pursuing an actual License. I did not understand the necessity until I was in my 30’s. I didn’t need to drive until I was in my 30’s: everything I needed to run the house smoothly, prepare meals, clothe the kids, and entertain myself craft-wise … was mere minutes from our front door.

By foot.

2 shakes of a lamb’s tail to Main Street; and 7 minutes flat to make the High School at the top of the town hill.

I didn’t buckle down and get serious about getting my Driver’s License until Bob was working away from home one Winter, and got deathly sick with pneumonia.

And even then … I was happy to pass him the baton in tricky situations and let him drive us to safety.

But, now, I have to carry the baton: getting from A to B safely now, is 100% on me.

Dropping into Cathlamet; Gragg's Store shrouded in fog.

There were periodic fog patches from Cathlamet to the KM Mountain; but ((((surprisingly)))), the KM was practically fog-free.

KM slide area …

Top of KM

Leaving the KM behind me, and nearing Graysriver, there was a light fog bank at Fossil Creek … but the rest of the way through Graysriver and on to Rosburg Hall was clear driving.

THANK YOU Bob, for telling me/showing me by example over the years, what I needed to know this morning.

THANK YOU YESHUA, for bringing that information to mind … and helping me through the dicey situations this morning.

The entire drive really was pretty uneventful – even with the patches of fog.

It was an enjoyable drive.

I was swathed in prayer.

Music filled the car.

I felt love, and peace.

But I did miss the magic of the day – the way Bob could turn an ordinary day into something extraordinary simply by being IN it.

Bob had no ego: none, whatsoever.

Bob had no idea what a rare person he was.

Bob was the magic of my days.

And Bob is now missing from my days.

Any future chapters of the charmed fairytale that was US for 44 years, ended 22 months ago.

The day was dawning, but daybreak was still a little murky when I turned down Altoona-Pillar Rock Road, and nipping into the Rosburg Community Hall Road; and I was still feeling pretty bummed about my life missing pizazz.

I was still feeling a little nervous about being in the midst of people Bob had known all his life, when I am really no longer part of the family nucleus.

And I didn’t want to have to deal with people pitying me: they would mean well, but I would feel awkward.

I’m not a self-pitying person.

I did not want to be accepted by being pitied.

In the midst of those thoughts, my peripheral vision was snagged when YESHUA DAZZLED ME WITH HIS ‘Good Morning, Val!’ gift:

Sunrise in Rosburg. 8:15 AM

I smiled at the thoughtfulness of my heavenly Husband.

I put a lid on the bummer mood 😉

I began to view the day in a whole new light.

After I had parked, hauled my bins into the Hall and started unpacking my cache to set my table up, Bob’s Aunt Frieda sought me out for a hug and a chit-chat.

I was showered with love!

She introduced me to her friends.

“I want you to meet my niece, Val.”

She introduced me as her “niece”!

Frieda loved Bob like a little brother – there was no superiority issues between them. They had been linked by a love bond.

I saw it.

For 44 years.

I knew it for what it was: pure love.

And now, she was including me in that connection.

She brought me up to date on family doings: marriages, births, deaths, who was moving/buying homes, ect.: family stuff.

Her husband, John, also sought me out.

I knew I was loved.

I know I am loved.

I was thankful: I am thankful.

I hadn’t seen Frieda and John since Bob’s Celebration of Life event, August 30^th, 2019.

I was nervous about where I {fit}; how my old life would smoothly dovetail with my new life.

Frieda and John removed that nervousness.

I am now a square peg … and they widened the round hole of family unity, so they can include me with ease.

I am grateful to know that there are some family members who have not abandoned me (out of 52 people, 8 have remained; 2 in-laws I can depend on when I need ‘now’ help).

People reading this may wonder ‘what’s the big deal? You’re 64 years old …’.

The big deal is that my entire world has been shattered; there is very little of my old life left that is recognizable – or workable – anymore. There are holes in the tapestry of the life that used to be US … that will never be repaired; and cannot be reworked.

No husband to share love with.

No children to visit with.

No grandchildren to hold.

No great-grandchildren to hope for.

ALL are irreplaceable shapes in the tapestry of the Life I once had.

Everyone needs love.

Everyone needs to know they are loved.

The spirit will shrivel up and die without daily doses of some form of love.

Humans were created in the image of God.

Humans were created TO BE loved: and to GIVE love.

Love is an important ingredient to life.

Without love, people aren’t truly living their lives to the fullest potential.

My bins were eventually emptied, and my table was eventually ready to be browsed by customers.

My table set up.

Bazaar Vendors; a good variety of offerings 😉

It was a good day.

It was a profitable day.

I was able to ‘make Bank’; and I am able to replace 2/3^rd’s of the Tire $$$$ I had filched a few weeks ago to make up the difference in cost for my new pair of glasses.

When the Bazaar wrapped up, I drove up the road a bit further, to stop at the Eden Valley Cemetery to upgrade the family plots.

Permanent metal shepherd’s hooks were placed on Grandpa/Grandma Smalley’s plot; and on Dad Hargand’s plot. This should stop the elk thievery 😉

Winter upgrade on our Plot.

I have been walking solo lobo for 22 months/17 days/9 hrs.47 secs.

How I adapt to that stark reality is up to me.

I … and only I … am responsible for successfully moving forward, finding purpose for my life again, responsible for my attitude/environment/healing: I am working on all these things.

I am doing better today than I was yesterday; and I’m A WHOLE LOT BETTER than I was 22 months ago – even 10 months ago.

There is a song with a lyrical message I am going to be adapting for my 2021 progression forward. I am choosing its lyrical substance because it’s doable: it’s desirable – it’s necessary.

I’ve had a full cup of passionate happiness.

I could enjoy a half full cup of fun.

I’m tired of crying.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIPfi-O8Aag)