RAINY-DAY GRACES

It’s been a day of rainy-day graces.

I woke up to the Park Maintenance Crew blowing leaves away from storm drains and sending them bouncing into the center of the street to be cleared by the cleanup crew.

And the garbage truck noisily lumbered down each street, banging and clanging the bulky plastic bins; as they were lifted, emptied, and clumsily slapped back in place on the blacktop: to the backbeat of a steady rainfall.

I painfully washed my hair in preparation of my 11:30 AM appointment in town; I’m still having some pain in my left leg – it started about a week ago when the rain arrived and settled in for the Season.

I know what is causing the pain; and I am doing what I can to organically, and holistically, to lessen the pain – but it’s real bad this year.

I need Elohim to intervene.

So, last night, I put out a Prayer Request to ask for prayer. I believe in the healing power of prayer. I believe Elohim heals.

This morning I woke up, and felt a little pain … but nothing I have been dealing with for the past week.

((((THANK YOU, YESHUA!))))

I could not bend forward to wash my hair under the kitchen faucet like I normally do – I just could not do it without groaning; but I was able to stand and move without wanting to scream. That is a big improvement. So, I hobbled to the bathroom and crawled into the shower. The warm water atmosphere helped.

So did 2 Ibuprofen.

I don’t like using that: I don’t like using drugs of any sort.

I do have a steroid asthma inhaler, that I rarely utilize: I only use it when forced to do so; otherwise I deal with my ‘environmental asthma’ organically and holistically.

I keep Ibuprofen on hand, but this flareup is the only time I’ve used the tablets since I bought them 22 months ago. I don’t feel like a failure using them … but I do dislike using them.

It’s a personal thing.

The kids think it’s a ‘religious thing’.

My siblings, and Bob’s family, think it’s a religious thing.

But eschewing drugs and doctors, based on my Messianic Christian Faith, is only part of my decision.

I was raised a hippie; my family didn’t rush to the doctor for everything, like people do today. We relied on ourselves, and what was available in the natural world.

Of course, my hippie family (like most of the counter culture in the 1960/70’s) took things a little too far, for me: that part of homelife never interested me. I didn’t like it then … I don’t like it now. And it upsets me that my children and grandchildren are embracing drug use.

I made a choice at 16 years of age not to use drugs; of any kind.

My Grandmother Brockway was a pioneering homestead woman that relied on herbal remedies, and holistic approaches to medicines and doctoring situations.

I choose that way of dealing with my body.

Bob is the only one who understood that about me.

So, with this sciatic pain mingled with arthritis pain, I am paying attention to where the pain flares up; and use Bob’s old heating pad (it’s old – he had that thing when we were dating in 1974; so, it’s probably about 50 years old), and Ibuprofen when the pain is intense … and I am rectifying my overall diet. I know what is causing the pain. I know that it won’t just disappear. But there are things I can do to lessen the breath-sucking-pain.

Sciatica Exercises: (https://www.spineuniverse.com/conditions/sciatica/exercises-sciatica-degeneratve-disc-disease)

Diet to help reduce sciatic pain: (https://spinenation.com/conditions/sciatica-leg-pain/overcoming-sciatica-through-diet-exercise)

Our bed does this … we bought it specifically for this reason.

I sometimes lower the bed flat, and use a knee pillow.

Hair washed; and dressed: I made/ate a bowl of hot cereal – and left for Dr. Tack’s Office in town.

When I arrived, I parked outside the door so the technician wouldn’t have to walk too far when she came outside to give me my glasses and check the new prescribed lens out. I grabbed the phone and gave the receptionist a jingle: she said I could “come right in” – a nice surprise! I was thankful; I did not want to be sitting in the car with the window rolled down for this appointment.

A rainy-day grace 😊

I went in, they ushered me to a back room (not a cubbyhole this time – an actual room), and everything was checked out. I asked if I could go outside and look up and down the street to make sure the lens was corrected this time – she said yes, so I did 😉

The raindrops fell on my face, but I was able to see both ways very clearly for quite a distance before the raindrops forced me back inside. I was satisfied.

2018-4-21: Bob & our grandson, Aza, on the Pacific Way Trail. Longview is Bob’s town. There is no place in this town, where the absence of his presence is not acutely felt. Missing him will always be a part of driving into town; doesn’t matter which part of Longview: his presence will always stamp it, with some attached memory.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kabc0B9uRLs)

Driving home through the rain falling from a gray overcast sky, I couldn’t hep thinking that all of November 2018, I was burning up the highway to and from the local hospital – hating the reason for burning up the highway; and hating the gray and dreary days that reeked of ominous foreboding. By the middle of November, I couldn’t stand it anymore; and packed a duffle and camped in his hospital room 24/7, until he was shifted across the river to OHSU, in Portland: where I camped there too.

Today, on this November day in 2020, the wet and gloomy sky carries a different ominous foreboding: a different type of death rides the river winds this year.

But, I am seeing life in color now, when I look about me.

Another rainy-day grace 😊

23 months ago, I was pretty convinced I’d never see life in color again.

I’m glad to see that Elohim has been faithful: and I am healing.

When I got home, and parked the car in the carport … I hauled the garbage bins back into their place under the carport, too.

And tried not to get upset when I saw mail addressed to Bob.

With all the networking … is it too much to ask that Bob’s physical death, as reported to the Social Security Administrative Offices (God knows I had to contact enough of them!) by me, would be entered into the government data banks, so I would not be continually sent Medicare notices???

I threw them away, and focused on the good news of the day:

New lens & less pain.

Blooming Pink Christmas Cactus

And now that darkness has cloaked the sky and evening has arrived, I am going to settle into Bob’s recliner; snuggled in his fleece blanket, and start a new read, while sipping green tea.

A good end-of-day/rainy-day grace 😊

5-MONTH HIATUS PLAN

I had an appointment in town with Dr. tack about my eyeglasses lenses this morning. That went okay – my eyes were checked, and the prescription in my right lens changed. Hopefully when my glasses are returned to me, I will be able to actually use them.

I did not have to wear a mask: the receptionists did not like that, but I did not have to wear one.

I am actually medically exempt, per State ‘mandate’ … but businesses are not respecting that exemption. Some are very insistent.

Already, every business in town is acting like angry joe has won the Election … they are doubling down on mask wearing; and everyone, everywhere is acting like deranged chimps when they see someone without a mask.

State regulations say that I do not have to prove that I have a medical condition … yet, I am continually pushed to do just that. And masks are forced on me anyway. It is illegal – it is offensive. It is just plain rude.

If I was black, I would not have to wear a mask.

If I was muslim, I would not have to wear a mask.

If I was Asian, I would not have to wear a mask.

If I was Native American, I would not have to wear a mask.

If I was a demonrat politician (or one of their snot-nosed kids), I would not have to wear a mask.

Apparently covid-19 ONLY STRIKES AND CAN BE SPREAD by Caucasians who do not hate President Trump.

Covid-19 seems to be a very biased virus that trolls a selected group of people, weaponized by unsuspecting ‘Patriot Nationist Americans’ because pelosi believes President Trump “created the virus” to overthrow the world and dominate the masses.

pelosi is insane.

And so are the state mandates.

Legally, per State Mandate, I do not have to wear a mask. And I cannot legally be harassed for not wearing a mask.

Yet, businesses are getting around that, and their employees are rude and obnoxious.

I left Dr. Tack’s building, and drove 2 minutes up the street to AT&T to pay my bill; paying at the downtown office insures I do not get hit with a late fee. Apple is very sneaky in making sure the bill mailing and the payment received date nets them a late fee: paying downtown as soon as I receive the bill in the mail is the safest way to make sure there is no late fee.

I was kept waiting half an hour before I was ushered to a payment kiosk – simply because I was not wearing a mask. The 4 people that had been there when I arrived, had wrapped up their business and the store was empty. There was no valid reason to keep me waiting.

Other than I was mask-less.

The employees were driving a point home.

I waited them out.

The bill eventually got paid.

And I spent more $$ at Winco; following.

I am planning a 5-month hiatus.

I am d.o.n.e. with the craziness.

I did not like the Jennie-O turkey breast I cooked last year – this one seems promising.

I can eat Thanksgiving Supper with my friends; and this turkey meat will carry me through the Summer of 2021.

Froze Pumpkin Pie slices planned for future meals.

The pie slices made me think of Pumpkin Spice Lattes: I need to whip some up

( https://www.blondelish.com/recipes/homemade-pumpkin-spice-latte-recipe/)

I also changed the furnace filter out: it was filthy.

Filthy filter! I think this is mostly wildfire ash residue ...

I should probably contact someone about a duct cleaning estimate, too. There are a lot of dust bunnies littering the floors no matter how often I sweep the floors. The ducts are probably filled with dust – the previous owner really didn’t do much with the house other than live in it. God only, knows, when the last time the ducts were cleaned; or if they were ever cleaned.

After all this “necessary stuff” was completed, I thought I’d check my FB messages, and I saw I had a message from some widow in a Widow Group who jumped my case; thinking I was not ‘considerate enough’ and that widows who lost their husbands to covid deserve more ‘understanding’ because their husbands died from covid … and those of us who can’t wear masks should apologize for refusing to wear one.

Where the hell do people get off, making asinine demands?

Obviously, my husband died too – otherwise I would not be in a Widow’s Groups. Bob’s body didn’t die from covid … but he’s gone just the same. I refuse to apologize to another widow over death differences.

W.T.F.

People have lost their fricking minds.

Fear and grief have made them selfish.

Fear and grief have made them mean.

I’m sick and tired of the bullshit – from every narcissistic sector of society that thinks they have the right to bully everyone else, and bulldoze over basic rights so they can feel like safe appeased lemmings.

I have the right to breathe freely!

Without apologizing to anyone for that Right.

I have the right to be out in the public breathing freely.

Without being made to feel guilty for exercising that Right.

I have the right to do business in the public sector while breathing freely.

Without being treated like a criminal for engaging in that Right.

Last time I checked – I was still living in America.

I went to bed last night … in America.

I woke up this morning … in America.

I live IN America; hopefully America will still BE America the end of this Electoral week.

Americans have Individual Rights that cannot be impeded.

By anyone: for any reason.

It is not my responsibility to make a masked person behind a Lucite partition feel comfortable WHILE they are wearing a mask and sitting comfortably behind a Lucite shield … that is just political nonsense.

They are “protected”; ((((I)))) am the one “taking a risk”, and I am NOT afraid.

Covid-19 doesn’t scare me.

I am more concerned about my air being restricted by a nonsensical tyrannical mandated mask, offensively – and seriously – hampering my airways.

I resent the push of fear they insist I should be feeling.

It is a certainty that I will die, some day – at some point.

But I refuse to be a sacrificial death so some demonrat deadhead can feel sketchily secure in the political games they have allowed themselves to be lured into engaging in.

I have plans – I will spend my 5-month hiatus working out a schedule, and a feasible budget; God willing some of them will actually become a reality.

A premature death caused by idiots is not on the docket.

I need a fricking break from all the insanity that has gripped this nation since 2009.

I wish someone would stuff a sock in barak hussain obama’s big/fat/loud/mouth.

All he (and that bitchy ‘wife’ of his) do is grab a mic and create chaotic division when they open their hate-filled racist fly traps.

I’ve really had it with the craziness that has monopolized the past 5 years, and erupted to highjack 2020.

I needed balance.

I want peace and joy in my life.

I exited FB, closed the laptop … and picked up my knitting project.

Working on last portion of Baby Sweater; 2 at once. NB

Baby Sweater body finished; ready for yoke work. NB

Starting yoke piece of Baby Sweater. NB

I will have to go into town to pick up my glasses when they are ready, but when that is done – I am settling in for an uninterrupted 5-month hiatus.

Hopefully, by March 2021, we can put all the destruction of March 2020 behind us and start living fully again.

NEW GLASSES ~ 1st Major Purchase, Solo Lobo

I was up at sunrise … it still feels weird to be keeping “Bob hours”; but kinda nice too, to experience something he always enjoyed.

A flock of doves flew past the house and startled me when several of them tried to fly through the livingroom windows: their expressions looked as equally startled as mine. Thankfully, none of the kamikaze birds will killed – their breasts will ache for a while, but they seemed to flap away pretty okay.

I had an optometrist appointment at 11:30 A.M. this morning … and a wait in the parking lot to be called inside, but no mask required: so, I was okay with that – the temperature in the car was not stifling. I am glad I got the appointment today because wildfire smoke is expected to circulate back around this way, as well as temperatures in the upper 70’s & 80’s all week: I would not have been able to sit in the car later this week.

I hadn’t been to Dr. Tack’s Office in decades.

But …

Cascade Eye Care was being an ass about the masks issue; so I closed my account there – and went back to Longview Eye & Vision; they are considerably more expensive, but they are willing to work with me concerning masks and asthma complications.

I appreciated that, so they got my business; and the $$$$.

Dr. Tack's Office in Complex Dr. Jeff designed.

I had to wait in the car for about 10 minutes – during which time, a clipboard with info papers/pen was brought out to me to fill out.

I filled out 1 Info Paper (Name, birthdate, ect.) … ignored the Insurance Info Paper: I stopped buying Insurance in 2010 when obama/pelosi forced obamacare through; I pay a hefty refusal fee every tax year, but it’s worth it to me to stand on principal, and uphold my sense of morals; and I refused to fill out what I consider a governmental racist information sheet: NONE of THAT was necessary to get my eyes checked out, or to purchase a new pair of glasses.

The eye exam, itself, went well.

I have a GOOD Husband in Yeshua; He makes everything a “good report”.

The exam report was GOOD NEWS: Dr. Jeff said that the prescription Cascade Eye Care had given me 3 years ago was “too strong”, and that the difference was “significant”. Also, my eyes were checked thoroughly by Dr. Jeff, and there was NO mention of the ‘macular degeneration’ the doctor over at Cascade had scared me with – that doctor literally TOLD ME I would be “blind in 6 years”. I remember crying all the way home, and calling the girls to let them know. That was 14 years ago.  Aside from normal aging concerns, my eyes are doing better than anticipated. I choose to believe that Elohim is answering my prayers – as I prayed them … and beyond what I had hoped to hear 😉

I ordered new glasses; they will arrive in 2 – 3 weeks.

One more thing (my pretty 3-year-old glasses) I am letting go of that Bob shared in … one more thing I am learning to do on my own – and hoping I am doing correctly. I want to be sure I asked for all the bells-and-whistles Bob would have been sure to make sure I got; I want to be wise in how I send the $$$$ Bob planned in provision for me.

I did this today without the threat of tears blinding me.

I am keeping these glasses – they represent a good memory.

I love you, Babe ~ Always/OX

Bob was already very ill … there were no clues: none.

I am healing.

I am gaining strength and confidence.

The new glasses I purchased this afternoon are not as colorful as the ones being replaced, but they are more colorful than how they are shown in this picture.

SPENDY! Quite a bit more than I would have paid at Cascade Eye Care; and not as flamboyantly colorful as the pair I got with Bob in 2017.

The new glasses are tortoiseshell and plum; the plum changes to a cobalt blue when the light hits it ‘just right’.

They aren’t as cute as the ones Bob inadvertently {chose} for me – but they’ll do.

Cat-eye-glasses work for me; they don’t for some people, but they do for me. I think they work for me, because I have high cheek bones that rounded frames dig into … cat-eye’s just ‘kinda ride and flow 😉

Also, being able to get them on colorful frames now, instead of the standard black; is a boost, too.

And I LIKE tortoiseshell glasses, so I was happy to see these!

I hope Bob will like them too, when he sees me wearing them.

I know that Bob’s spirit still lives.

I don’t know if thoughts of me even cross his mind anymore; life beyond the clouds is so different from what it was here on Earth.

But, it comforts me to hope.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqB1hpqjSwQ)

NO GO DENTISTRY TRIGGER

I had an early (like crack of dawn) dentist appointment this morning, so I stumbled out of bed and staggered out of the house to get to my appointment. I’m feeling pain on the right side of my face that is bleeding over into my ear region and corner of eye socket, so I wanted to have it attended to before a full-blown abscess happens.

I had called the dentist office last week, and I was told they are only open for emergencies – I think my sore face can be considered an emergency. The pain comes and goes in waves of varying degrees of pain tolerance. It really needs to be attended to.

When I showed for my appointment and entered the building, I had to stop at a ‘sanitation station’ and thoroughly drench my hands in sanitizer liquid before proceeding further. There were 4 of us – and we sat appropriately space … one old fella had 2 masks on/1 over the other: he is obviously in overkill mode.

I had 4 teeth x-rays taken before the Dr. came into the cubby they put me in. She looked at the X-rays, poked at my gums and teeth with a metal prober; then she said that though she did detect some decay in 1 tooth, she didn’t see anything that required immediate attention other than my gums which were sensitive (no news there, I know I have gingivitis), and tarter buildup which needed to be cleaned. Right then I knew nothing would be done today – it’s the same song/scenario, different Dr./location. I almost got mad … I mean, my face hurts and I’m being told there’s nothing that can be done until my teeth are cleaned! Apparently, my gums are the main culprit to the tooth pain I am experiencing. Bone density if good, but the dentist thinks the gums are the real issue. My back teeth do NOT agree – and they tell me so in staggered flashes of pain.

Saline mouth rinses and a jet wash was the recommendation.

I just closed my eyes, counted to ten, and defused my temper.

I didn't need any fillings ... yet; and no extractions at all. But as soon as I can reasonably afford it, I need to schedule a thorough exam and cleaning. The exam I'm okay with and am expecting a report full of "fixes" - a complete and total back-peddling of today's visit which could have been taken care of today: the cleaning I have always hated and am not looking forward to at all. My assessment is that the dentist's eyes were on how fast to spend the Stimulus Check I'm hanging onto for tire replacements when needed (I let Visa go because I don't want to be paying interest on credit - BAD idea all the way around & I never wanted Visa anyway; so I have to make sure I keep tire money out ... the amount Bob said I'd need - ALL 4 have to be changed out if 1 goes bad). I DO LIKE this dentist, BUT dentistry is a business, and businesses are strapped for money due to governor power grabs: the dentist is going to have to stand in line with everyone else to get the $$$$ they are overcharging while sitting on their hands. And that will take T.I.M.E. to save towards. If they weren't in a hurry to take care of business TODAY, I'm in no rush to make their tomorrow's easy. Just sayin'.

I bought a waterpik …

… patted myself on the back for managing to understand the written directions and get it put together: and test-run-using it properly to understand HOW it works:

I am sure Bob was standing next to Yeshua, beaming, and saying, "I married a determined girl ... I always told her she could do anything she set her mind to do. And she's doing it." 

And cried when I put the spare pic away.

In putting the spare pick away in a vanity drawer in the master bath, my fingers inadvertently grazed the black velvet bag that holds the hair clipper set I used to keep my husband’s head bald over the years (his choice – he preferred being clipped to the skin); why I have kept the clippers, I am not sure.

But there they are – in the drawer.

628 days of non-use: Bob isn’t coming back; they will never be used again.

Bob - 2016

And even after standing there by the vanity counter, bawling my eyes out … I could not bring myself to grab them out of that drawer and walk them to the trash can.

They are still in the drawer.

Will keeping the clippers in the master bath vanity drawer undermine my “healing recovery” process? Will walking them to the trash can really speed up my healing recovery process? I don’t know the answer to either nagging question. What I do know is that a healing recovery is not a linear event. People – adjusted merry widows happily going solo, family members with spouses and children, and friends with spouses and children – all keep telling me that as time marches forward, I will be my old self again. Nothing is further from the truth. Time does march forward, but I will never be my old self again: part of me is permanently missing from me. A smell, a song … and moments, like this morning when my fingertips brushed that black velvet bag pushed to the back of the drawer … and many other things that will happen; will suddenly and smartly bring tears to the eyes, a swift dizziness as emotions are rocked, and a nauseating kick to the stomach – physical and emotional reactions that remind me that I am a loooong way yet from a healing recovery; and I will never be my old self again.

Adjusted merry widows, family, and friends mean well, but they obviously do not understand that losing half of your ‘old self’ is not like having a cold from which you rebound. Losing half of your old self is like having chronic bronchitis … I know what that is like: I may be in remission for a period of time, but eventually a flareup will occur that makes life difficult for a while.

So, tonight, I am riding out a flareup of memories caused by a black velvet bag in the back of a drawer, brought on by the storing of an extra waterpic pick.

All because dentistry was a ‘no go’ this morning.