TO EVERYTHING THERE IS A SEASON ~ A TIME TO BE

We are definitely into the Fall season here in the PNW – the rain is falling fast and furious:

So, I am holed up in the house ...

Since I won’t be going anywhere any time soon, I decided to dust off the Grief Share ‘Loss of A Spouse’ booklet and give it another peek; it really wasn’t very helpful earlier this year:

But now, I think I can concentrate better ...

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/08/feeling-good-nina-simone-lyrics.html)

So, I will give the read another {go} ;-)

Some things my eyes lit upon when cracking the book open this morning were:

* Do something that you can enjoy yourself. Pick an activity that might become a new tradition for you. I can do that. I’m okay with that too: it’s a whole new world now, and I have to be comfortable in it.

* Spend some time reminiscing with people who shared a love for your spouse. I am already doing that; our friends have been great! And they have become family to me – including me in their couples’ time (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/06/going-up-to-country.html, https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/08/blueberry-picking-time-in-oregon.html, & https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/09/i-can-do-it.html). I appreciate that: and I am careful not to rely too much on them: they are willing to be my new family & willingly offer to help when I need help, but their husbands are not my husband: I must learn to do on my own all over again. And I am :-D

* Try to get proper nutrition. Make sure to drink eight 8-ounce glasses of water daily. I can do that. I have cookathons when my freezer supply of meals runs low (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/06/getting-stuff-done.html, https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/08/4-make-ahead-freezer-meals.html); that way if I find myself in a mental funk, I always have balanced meals to eat ;-) And I make sure to drink sufficient water too – not just coffees, colas, or teas: WATER. I pee a lot, but at least I will not end up in ER because of dehydration. LOL Gotta find the humor in the small stuff that is so necessary :-D

* Try to get enough sleep (7 to 8 hours a night); in addition, try to lie down 2 or 3 times a day (30 minutes), even if you don’t sleep. I am doing that. And the strange thing is … I NEVER did that when Bob was still here on Earth, with me! Before, I was ALWAYS A NIGHT OWL – I was lucky to get 4 hours of sleep any given day or any given week. All my life! Bob was an understanding man – Bob was a good husband. Now, since Bob graduated to a better and higher level of living … I somehow got HIS SLEEPING habit and pattern <:-O I am up at the crack of dawn (where before I was finally stumbling off towards bed) and in bed around 10 p.m. IT IS STRANGE TO ME. I am definitely getting enough sleep. And I find that I am incredibly tired some days – even days I don’t do anything more stressful or straining than pouring coffee. LOL – so I am also getting periodic cat-naps.

* Try to take a 10-to-20-minute walk each day. This is hit and miss, due to the weather. When the weather is accommodating, I get out and walk (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/06/walkin-loop.html, https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/08/vitamin-d-day.html, https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/08/halloween-already.html, https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/09/sunday-funday-2.html, & https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/09/me-you.html) – but when it rains, freezes, or snows … I hole up: as I am doing today. Can’t afford to get sick. I walked everyday last Winter, regardless of the weather, and ended up laid up in bed for months. I am inclined, though, to think it was not getting wet feet that was the real culprit; but rather, being in the hospitals for months on end sitting death-watch with Bob: I really had influenza, not a cold. But, I am being wise and not taking chances – I can’t afford to get sick: I am letting the Peace Health Financial Assistance go the end of this month because it is more stressful to keep it than to save towards medical “what ifs”. I NEED to stay healthy (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/01/coping-with-angina.html, https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/05/low-impact-workout-for-seniors.html, https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/04/simple-exercises-for-seniors-building.html).

* Understand why you cry. This is a biggie for me. I rarely ever cried – even with Bob. Crying, to me, always meant weakness. IF I cried at all, I did it where no one could see or hear me. I always had to stifle my emotions growing up – always had to be the strong one: the one others looked to for strength and direction. I think I cry more easily and readily now because there is no one in my life now who can see or hear me. But still, it is strange and uncomfortable for me to suddenly find myself crying because my heart misses Bob. It happens without warning – even when my thoughts are not even on Bob at that particular moment (but something I am looking at will trigger an emotion connected somehow to Bob). It is strange to …. at this point in my life, be acting like a girly-girl. It is weird. It is uncomfortable. It is uncontrollable. I am learning to accept it.

And Alyna & Liam have moved to a rural part of Oregon and want me to move closer to were they are so they can keep closer tabs on me and be readily available if and when I need them to be: they want family cohesiveness. Bob would want that too. I am thinking about it: seriously. But it is a big step with a lot of considerations: there is a LOT I would have to cut loose and leave behind. Primarily the gardening boxes Bob designed and built for me, & rain barrels (that directly led to his death), the home we remodeled – where Bob refashioned everything specifically for me, and the freezers … there would be no place for them. The kids are thinking I would be comfortable in my own apartment in the same Retirement Community Liam’s grandma is in – I am not so sure I want to be “old” yet! I am not so sure I want to give up my personal freedoms just to have them pop in whenever they can. I vacillate between agreeable boldness to do it … and bulking at the exchange of freedoms it would cost me. It is a complex situation. I will need to seek Elohim’s wisdom and The Ruach’s guidance.

And this is about all I can deal with today …

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

BROKEN

Man: I MISS him.

Simple things like making Friday Challah can bring back memories that sends me to my knees.

I am liberated woman.

I don't need anyone to take care of me - I am capable of taking care of me. I have been taking care of me since I learned to walk. Serious truth spoken.

I always told Bob, "I love you, Babe. But ... I don't {need} you; I choose you. I want you. But, I don't need you to take care of me."

And he smiled and pulled me into a kiss when I said it because he knew I needed him in ways I wasn't even aware of.

Bob always loved me with a looooong lead rope and a free hand.

Bob knew me; Bob looked into the depths of me - the part of me I never showed anyone else: Bob understood me.

He knew I was lying.

I didn't know that until recently.

I wasn't intentionally lying.

I realize now ... that I do need him for all the reasons he was aware of and I wasn't; I always needed him.

Bob brought unconditional love into my life.

Bob gave me life; together we, who were both so heart-wounded when we met, learned to love - we built a life full of LIFE, LOVE, PASSION, TRUST, LAUGHTER, HAPPINESS.

Bob completed me.

And now I am broken ... and I am not sure I will ever be whole again.

1 CORINTHIANS ~Chapter 14

So …

This chapter always causes a firestorm in church between men and women.

So, let me clarify the hot potato topic: v. 34 – women talking in church. When this book was written Jewish men and women were separated in the synagogues by a partition: Greek men and women freely mingled, and Greek women were very vociferous; that lead to chaos. Greeks thrived on chaos – chaos was their religion. ALL THIS VERSE IS SAYING IS: save the loud and boisterous questions for later on – at home. When in a public house of worship, let calmness reign: do not shout across the room for your husband to clarify something for you! Ask for clarification at home.

Obviously, women spoke in fellowship gatherings – some women were even ministering women. There are many, many instances where Jewish women were placed in positions of leadership. THIS PARTICULAR VERSE DOES NOT SPEAK TO THAT ISSUE.

It is okay for women to speak in fellowship – it is not okay for women to shout across the room to get their husband’s attention.

That said, let us commence to reading today’s Study ;-)

1 CORINTHIANS ~Chapter 14

Make love your goal, and aspire to all the spiritual gifts, especially that of prophesy. For when one speaks in a strange tongue, he speaks not so much to men as to Elohim, because no one understands him. He is really telling mysteries of The Ruach Ha’Kodesh. He who prophesies, on the other hand, speaks to men for their upbuilding, encouragement, and consolation.

When one speaks in an unknown tongue, he may edify himself, but when he prophesies, he edifies the whole congregation. Surely, I wish that all of you could speak in tongues; but I would much rather have you prophecy. He who prophecies is more important than the man who speaks with tongues, unless he interprets what he says so that the faith of the congregation may be strengthened.

Brethren, suppose I come to you speaking in tongues, what good could I do if I did not bring you some revelation, or information, or prophecy, or teaching? Even lifeless instruments, such as the flute or the harp, might give some distinct sound, foe how else can anyone know what is played? So also, the bugle – if it does not give a clear note, who will be ready for battle? Therefore, in speaking, you too must use a language that men can understand, otherwise how would anyone know what you say? You would just be talking into the air!

Truly, there are in the world many different languages, and none without meaning. But if I do not understand the meaning of a language, I am a foreigner to the man who speaks it, and he is a foreigner to me. So it is with you. Since you are eager to acquire spiritual gifts, ask for them in abundant measure, for the upbuilding of the church. Therefore, the man who speaks in a tongue should pray for the power to interpret his message.

Now, if I pray in a strange tongue, my spirit does the praying but my understanding is blank. What must I do? I will pray with my spirit, but also with my understanding. And I will sing praises with my spirit, but also with my understanding. Otherwise, if you pronounce a blessing in The Ruach, how can an unlearned man say “Amen” to your thanksgiving if he does not understand what you are saying? It is well enough for you to give thanks that way, but it is of no value to the man who cannot understand you.

I am thankful to Elohim that I speak in tongues, more than all of you. Still, in public worship I would rather speak 5 words that are understandable, so as to instruct others, than 10,000 words in a strange tongue.

Brethren, do not be children in your thinking. In matters of evil, be as babes: but in understanding you must be grown up. In the Law it is written. “I will speak to this people in other languages and by other lips, and yet not even so will they listen to Me, says the Lord”.

So, this speaking in tongues is intended for a sign, not for the Believers – but for the unbelievers; whereas prophesying is a sign for the Believer rather than the unbeliever. For if the whole congregation is assembled and everyone speaks in tongues, and some untaught persons or unbelievers happen to come in, would they not say that you are demented? But if everyone prophesies, and some unbeliever or untaught person should come in, then he may be convinced of his sin by all, and all will put questions to him. In short, the secrets of his heart will be revealed and he will fall upon his face and worship Elohim, declaring, “God is truly among you!”

What can we learn from this my Brethren? When you come together, each one may have a part to contribute – a song, a teaching, a speaking in tongues, a revelation, or an interpretation … Everything should aim at building up The Faith. If anyone speaks in a tongue, let it be done by 2, or at most, 3 speakers, one after the other, with an interpreter. And, if there is no one present to explain what was said, let them remain silent in the meeting and each speak his message to himself and to Elohim.

The number of prophets to speak should be limited to 2 or 3, while the others should consider carefully what is said. If a revelation comes to someone seated, let the first speaker stop talking. You can all witness, one by one, and in this way, all may learn and all may be stimulated. The prophets should exercise control over themselves. For Elohim is a God of peace, not of disorder, as can be seen in all the assemblies of saints.

Your women must keep silent at the church meetings. They must take a subordinate place, as the Law says. If they have questions to ask, they may ask their husbands at home. For, it is considered a disgrace for women to speak in the church. Did the Word of Elohei originate with you, or, are you the ones whom it has reached?

What I am writing to you is at Adonai Yeshua’s command. If any one of you thinks that he is a prophet or inspired, let him recognize the fact. If he does not admit it, let him remain in ignorance. Anyway, brethren, strive to prophesy and, as for speaking in tongues, do not forbid that. And always see to it that everything is done properly and in orderly manner.

**1 CORINTHIANS 13: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/10/1-corinthians-chapter-13.html

CROCKPOT AUTUMN SOUP Recipe

I like this soup in the Fall – it is simple to make and tasty too ;-)

I put it all in the crockpot (and added a handful of sliced Chanterelle mushrooms because I was curious) and let the goodness begin … it was delish!

AUTUMN SOUP ~serves 4 (1-3/4 cups each)

4 teaspoons Margarine * 1 cup EA diced Onion & Celery * 4 cups Chicken Stock (homemade is best) * 3 cups cubed Butternut Squash * 8 ounces dry Navy Beans * 2 teaspoons Bacon Bits

The peeled squash was slick, so I held it with a clean dishcloth while I finished peeling it.

Sliced Butternut squash waiting to be seeded before cubing.

Cubed Butternut for the soup ...

Combined Autumn Soup ingredients in crockpot. I freeze my stock in 2 cup measurements, then crack it to add to my crockpot.

Bring to a boil on HIGH – then turn down to LOW and continue cooking 4 to 6 hours; depending on your crockpot.

**********

While the crockpot soup was cooking, I put sweet potatoes on the stove to cook because I want to mash and freeze them for future meals – and I also got busy with the mushrooms Mike sent home with me the other day … (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/10/something-old-something-new.html)

When these sweet potatoes are cooked, I am going to mash them and season them with a Fall blend of cinnamon, cloves & nutmeg … and freeze them in individual serving sizes to add to my meat meals Freezer Fare :-D

The canned Chanterelle Mushrooms were stored for another day; I’ll make a mushroom soup with them later on. The bagged Chanterelle mushrooms were sliced & frozen for future use. I added a handful of sliced Chanterelles to the Autumn Soup posted above.

I put the Cauliflower Mushroom to soaking … and started cleaning all the whorls with a soft bristled toothbrush to get as much of the forest floor out of the tight curls as I could.

The Cauliflower Mushroom wasn’t as sturdy as it felt, and it kinda came undone while I was cleaning it. That’s okay: it will cook up easier in pieces ;-)

BEGGING OFF THE HOLIDAYS

I went for a walk along the Pennsylvania Avenue Dike this afternoon. It was enjoyable – but I did miss Bob being with me. He would have enjoyed the walk today.

It was bittersweet for me. I enjoy walking; I enjoy walking in various places. There is NO place really, spanning all of Cowlitz County, Wahkiakum County, Lewis County, Clark County, Pierce County, Chelan County, Pacific County, Clatsop County where we did not walk together while we were together … no matter where I walk, Bob will always be a part of those walks.

While I was walking, the kids called: and I begged off the holidays again this year. I just can’t do them right now – they understood. I couldn't do them last year because I was in the hospitals August thru December 14th; then I was grappling with widowhood: this year I am grieving, which I didn't really start to do until after March 2019 after funeral stuff was settled. Even now, because of legalities issues, I am not fully able to grieve because life keeps interfering with that hard and necessary process. Every interruption sets the process back and interferes with getting on with life. It's a ride that apparently there is no brake for.

I still cry sometimes talking about Bob; today was one of those days. Probably because of where I was in the moment … and possibly because while we were talking a Great Blue Heron lifted up and flew over my head – and a White Egret was fishing practically at my feet - and Bob liked to watch herons as much as he liked to watch eagles. Every time I see an eagle or a heron I think of Bob:

Bob would be calling my attention to the bird.

Bob would have liked to see this .. and correcting me, telling me that “this bird is a ‘heron’, not a crane.” LOL Egrets are really just a type of heron, while cranes belong to a separate group of birds ... Cranes' necks are a shorter than those of herons, and they typically hold them straight.

Got something to eat: GULP!

Mallard Ducks. We always enjoyed the ducks here. And looked forward to Spring babies …

Almost stepped on this Fuzzy Wuzzy nestled in the grass along the gravel road.

I started crying when I was telling the kids about the bird, and that’s when I begged off the holidays. I said, “I think I’ll pass these upcoming holidays, and maybe in the Spring things will be calmer. Let’s shoot for Spring. I love all of you and I really do want to see your new home … but this is a happy time for you guys; and I am not happy right now: I don’t think I can pretend. I miss your Dad. I miss your Grandpa. I miss my husband. And right now, I can’t control those emotions when they come on me; they have to run their course.”

Bless their hearts (and I mean that in a good way ;-)), they said they understood, and that it is still early in the grieving process, and that I need to do what I need to do to heal. If that means separating myself from everyone and everything until I am comfortable being in the thick of things, that is okay with them. I think they are finally “getting me”. When the time is right, I WILL be glad to jump in the middle of things … but, the time is not yet right. I don’t want to take all these emotions to their new home where peace and happiness is so important this time of year. I am truly at peace and joyful knowing Bob is in Heaven – but I am also truly missing him. Deeply. And I can’t turn off the waterworks when they start. Yet. Yes, I do get out and go visiting locally; BUT if things get too emotional, I can come home; in another State, I couldn’t do that as readily. It would be complicated. It would put stress on everyone.

Maybe next Spring, things will be calmer and more doable.

And maybe not.

Maybe that part of my life is closed – not seeing the kids, but jumping in the car and going to wherever they are … maybe they will have to start coming to me. I will NEVER be comfortable driving in the city. If they can find a way to get from here to there bypassing Portland and the freeway, I could try that. But as long as getting to them involves driving through Portland and dealing with the freeways – no. Probably will never happen.

Even without grieving – just being a passenger driving through Portland and on the freeway stresses me out! Bob did ALL the driving when it came to Portland and the freeway.

We’ll see what 2020 brings.

BLACK NIGHT

SOMETHING OLD – SOMETHING NEW

I’ve personally known Cheryl & Pam for at least 44 years … and even longer if seeing them on school grounds counts ;-) Cheryl is the oldest (2 yrs older than I am), Pam is the middle one, and I am the ‘baby’ of our friendship circle. We are old friends – yet we are new friends.

This afternoon we had a “girl’s day out”. I picked the girls up at their homes and ferried them to our first destination in our car (Bob/my car, which is now solely mine): Pam first, then Cheryl. Though I had been to Cheryl’s house with Bob, I had never driven here myself; I could mentally picture the location, the general area, and her looooong gravel driveway … but I was not entirely sure how to get there. So, before I left our (my) carport, I punched in Cheryl’s address on the car’s GPS, picked Pam up at her house along the way & set out to collect Cheryl; on a hope and a prayer :-D

The GPS pranked me twice; the last “you have reached your destination” announcement causing Pam & I to dissolve into laughter because the destination reached clearly was NOT the destination we aimed for. But we eventually reached Cheryl’s accurate location: and off we went on our planned adventure.

First stop was ‘The Little Crane’ country diner in Vader. I like Vader; it’s a sleepy rural town that lives on despite shutting the school down a few years ago because it was so out of the way, there weren’t enough young families ensconced in the sleepy community to warrant keeping the school open. Our adventure was kind of a ‘going home’ moment: both Cheryl & Pam lived in Vader while growing up and before their parents moved their families to the Elochoman Valley area of Wahkiakum County, where I met them in Cathlamet decades ago as we were starting our young families – Cheryl was married to Bob’s brother Ralph then, & they had a 3 year old daughter, and Cheryl & I were pregnant together in 1975 … and Pam was visiting Cheryl a lot with her infant son, Spenser – Pam is Cheryl’s cousin.

Anyway, we all like Vader and The Little Crane diner. Lunch & companionship was good. We had a fun time, and I enjoyed hearing about their childhoods in Vader. I enjoy getting into the country countryside. We are thinking of making today’s diner date an annual ‘thing’.

Something old; something new.

Cheryl’s husband, Mike was mushroom picking; so, after our leisurely lunch, we went back to Cheryl’s place to see if he had returned yet – he hadn’t, so Cheryl suggested we hop in her car and drive over the backroads to the little County Park in Toledo: sounded good to me! This day was turning into a day-tripping adventure; I am always up for that ;-)

Bob & I had been to Toledo & Toledo’s County Park many times, but he always drove; I, as passenger, watched the landscape and didn’t pay too much attention as to how we got there. But now … I WANT to KNOW. So, while Cheryl drove, I took notes on how to get there so I can make the drive on my own whenever the mood strikes me: it’s a nice country drive, and the Park is small and country serene.

Though Bob & I had been to this Park many times with & without our granddaughter on hot summer days to swim, we had no inkling there was a walking trail – this was news to me today. And I liked finding that out: I like walking, and I like getting out of Longview to do that ;-)

I think I will be driving back to revisit these trails periodically; I like day-tripping. I like Toledo – Bob & I would often pass through Toledo on our way to the backroads of Jackson Highway. It will be fun to do that again.

Bittersweet.

But fun.

A specific direction for a day I need solace.

Another ‘something old – something new’ …

Trail walking at Toledo County Park with Cheryl & Pam.

Apparently the trail makes a loop - we kept it short and walked the left fork. LOL

Cheryl. She claims there is a sturgeon in the Lake. I will have to revisit and see for myself ;-)

We had a good walk in the Fall sunshine and my lungs did okay. I like fallen leaves, but sometimes their sharp & crisp decaying odors play hell with my asthmatic lungs. I am not noticing anything concerning tonight, so I am thanking Elohim for keeping me safe while I enjoyed my outing with the girls.

It is good to get away from home for a few hours.

It is good to enjoy living life without the heavy pall of grief.

For a few hours.

When we got back to Cheryl’s, we chatted a little more. And Mike came home with his mushroom gleanings. Before I left, they sent a pint of canned Chanterelles & some bagged fresh Chanterelles home with me … as well as 2 Cauliflower mushrooms. I said I had never heard of such things as cauliflower mushrooms; so Mike showed me a page in his book of mushroom descriptions, and I read it.

And I brought those 2 weird looking things home with me – I trust Mike when it comes to mushrooms; he has been picking and eating them a long time. Tomorrow, I will clean and stash these mushrooms; I may even sample a chunk before putting the rest in the freezer for future usage. I don't use doctors, but very sparingly - I believe in 'medicinal foods'; mushrooms is one of those medicinal foods:

The benefits of eating Chanterelles

(https://ayushology.com/health-benefits-of-vegetables/health-benefits-of-chanterelle-mushroom/)

CAULIFLOWER MUSHROOMS: they look more like blobs of congealed egg noodles. Interesting. The benefits of eating Cauliflower mushrooms

 (https://honest-food.net/sparassis-cauliflower-mushroom/)

 (https://www.specialtyproduce.com/produce/Cauliflower_Mushrooms_730.php)