BLESSED ~ My Double Life

Today I woke with a grateful heart, and ready to tackle the day’s tasks.

I am grateful for where I am in my life; at this moment.

I live between worlds: I live a double life. 

I am rebuilding a life/home, here on Earth; and I am building a life geared towards my Home in Heaven, beyond the clouds.

I am building both lives on the foundation of my past life, simultaneously.

This morning I woke up knowing this was the day of my first date with Bob – 47 years ago … 1 hour and 2 minutes ago marked the hour. I had waited in excited anticipation for 7 PM to roll around that April 19^th, so long ago. When he knocked on the door, my feet flew to answer it: and there he stood 😊 So tall. So handsome. So ready to get to know me.

I’d Like To Get To Know You Better: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pI2eofY1dow)

But instead of entertaining all those beautiful memories this morning, I quickly got out of bed. I did not want to start crying. I did not want to be poked by the sharp finger of missingness.

I knew that I would have pizza and a beer for Supper – that is what we had for our first date: that is what I would have tonight, in remembrance of the night that changed my life forever.

But, in the moment – this day, I would be thankful for the opportunity to redirect my thoughts that would bring healing into my life (physical healing is linked to spiritual balance); and I would pour all of today’s energy into prepping the garden area for this year’s garden.

For 22 months my life went thru emotional hard-hitting changes; my body suffered the effects.

I'll be working on the spiritual side of my life, this year.

After I got back from Castle Rock, I planted potatoes before tackling garden box cleanups.

I had been wanting to try this, but I really was not thinking clearly for the past 2 garden seasons – this year, I am not in a zombie frame of mind.

I am more ready to engage fully in life, again. I can think without my thoughts running off down rabbit trails and getting lost in memories.

My thoughts, this year are staying on track, and I am getting things accomplished without knee-jerk reactions.

It feels good to be me, again.

In the moment: without feeling numb.

Something new ... planting potatoes in plastic grocery bags.(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdfQw1CGEnY, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2lvLGppoKY, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIQJ5cZNgZU, & https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KQCiXdYsYE)

Spud spacing.

Potatoes planted, covered with soil, & labeled; now the experiment is underway 😉

That done, I hauled the pea trellises out of the shed and to the garden boxes I would use them in.

Hooks made from Baling Wire to hold trellises secure against the high river winds.

I placed 4 trellises at front end - and 4 at the back end of the garden area.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2021/02/energetic-weekend.html)

Trellises in place, I started cleaning up the other garden boxes, and using my Claw garden tool to turn the soil over so it will be loose when I start setting veggie/flower transplants out.

Pulled overwintered Leeks & cleaned Leek bed up.

I cleaned up, stirred the pot soil, and planted petunias in 1 Patio Apple Tree container.

Overwintered Parsnips were pulled; I don't think I will plant more this year.

2nd patio Apple Tree container cleaned up & pretty 2-tone purple petunia planted.

The work pace I set was easy, and before long I had reached the halfway mark.

The red apple Patio Apple Tree always sets blossoms earlier than the yellow apple tree.

Apple blossoms! And I took a little break here, to visit with my next-door neighbor, Erica. Elohim really blessed me, when she moved next door. She is a delight.

And looking through the welcome blossoms to the end of the garden boxes Bob had made and set in place for me, my heart was flooded with love for my husband: and gratitude towards Elohim for blessing me with all those wonderful years with Bob.

I could reflect on those years without crying.

Living between two worlds is starting to level out: life {in the moment} is stabilizing.

This year, living between two worlds is not so hard; I am finding balance.

This year, I am deliberately avoiding the shadowy rabbit trails, and keeping my attentions on the Joy Trail.

In the last garden box, I spruced up, I caught a glimpse of a ladybug 😊

Apparently, I am on the right track in my life 😉

And if there is one … there are others. 

Ladybugs are good for the garden.

By the time I reached the last garden box, I was ready to come inside and grab a couple slices of pizza, and that beer.

It was a day of gratitude. 

It was a day of happy remembrance. 

It was a pleasantly warm Spring day. 

It was a productive day. 

I am thankful. 

Tomorrow, I will plant my onion sets.

HE LIKED THAT

I'm struggling with today: LOTS of memories built around this date on the calendar; didn't matter what year. But April 19th, 1974, was the most important memory because that date was the beginning of our lives together. It was our first date night.

As I mentioned in earlier posts, my mother wasn’t happy with me that I was bucking her and going out with Bob against her concerns. My way of thinking was that she’d never been concerned before about anything I did – why was this date enough to set her teeth on edge? Well … because it would embarrass the family. And that was taboo. We were raised bohemian and could basically do anything; as long as it didn’t embarrass the family. Me, choosing to go out with a separated man – who may end up staying married in the end – would be an embarrassment to my mother.

And I didn’t care. My parents and siblings, with their own choices, had … and were … embarrassed/embarrassing me. And no one was worried about that.

So.

Bob would be coming: and I would go.

He called me around 6 PM telling me he’d be calling for me around 7 PM; and I said, “Just honk your horn and I run out to your truck.” I did not want a showdown on this particular night.

Bob showed up on the front porch, promptly at 7 PM. He refused to honk for me, and instead walked up the front porch steps and knocked – I answered the door – my mother gave him the evil eye … and I rushed Bob out to his truck.

He was reaching to open the passenger side door, when my hand got there first. On purpose. He went around to the driver’s side, got in and asked me what I’d like to do. I asked him, “Anything?” He grinned, and said, “Anything.” So, I said I had friends in Longview who were moving into their apartment, and I’d like to help them if I could. He said, “Okay.” I grinned wider, and said, “Good, because I didn’t dress fancy.” And off we drove.

Neither of us were dressed fancy, but I really hadn’t dressed in anything more than my patched ‘lucky’ blue jeans, and one of my stepfather’s polo shirts. For my first date with the man of my dreams! Bob was wearing jeans too, with an open-neck brown-print-on-cream shirt. Nothing fancy. We were both playing it cool: no pressure. He liked that.

I don’t know what Bob’s plans were for that first date – I never did ask, and he didn’t volunteer info – but, I’m pretty sure helping people move into their apartment was not in his thoughts. But, he gamely went along with it. By 9 PM, my friends and all their worldly possessions had been moved into their new home. Bob was comfortable with my friends – and they were comfortable with him. People always liked being around Bob: Bob was a people-piper; he just had a personality that put everyone at ease ;-)

We left the apartment and Bob suggested we go get a pizza. I agreed. Pizza was perfect! If there was any messiness or awkward eating moments, it wouldn’t matter. Eating pizza is messy, and can sometimes be awkward :-D

Bob took me to Pietro's Pizza by Industrial Way, where we bought a half pineapple & half pepperoni pizza and 2 Lowenbrau beers. Bruno (who later opened a pizza parlor under his own name and brand) was the beer tap fella: we all became fast friends, and remained fast friends through the years until he retired. Our kids and grandkids literally grew up together, we were in his pizza place so much.

But, today, 46 years ago, we were eating pizza at Pietro’s and getting to know more about each other. There was no awkwardness to get past – other than me being very independent and insisting I open my own doors and pay half of the meal tab. Bob was a gentleman and felt he should open my doors and pay for the evening out; I was a very liberated teen and explained that I did not want to be beholden to anyone for any reason: I would pay my share, and fend for myself. That way, as the evening progressed there would be no demands made and no faces slapped. Bob laughed, and understood my point of view and respected it. I was always straight-up, and straight-forward with Bob. From the get-go. He liked that.

I was 7 years younger than Bob: I was 17 – he was 24. I really didn’t know much about him. At all. I did not know his family background; I did not know his High School “star’ status. I think he liked that. I was out with him because he interested me – I wasn’t fawning all over him because of who his family was; or because he’d been a bigwig in his high school days. If I fawned over him (and I did), it was because he had piqued my interest when we were thrown together by fate at his house, a few weeks earlier … and because he had caught my eye and stole my heart 7 years earlier; and I never got over that. He liked that. 

Our 1^st Date. April 19^th, 1974.

What I liked was that I never had to question Bob’s interest in me. Ever. There was never any doubt at all about his intentions – he liked me. A lot. From the first meeting; and he went out of his way to get that message across to me.

But I was cautious.

He was still legally married.

And Gloria was cunning; she didn’t want him … but she didn’t want anyone else to have him either.

Bob was a good-looking man.

Bob. 1974.

He was well-built and handsome of face. He was kind, generous, gentle, and attentive. I couldn’t understand why she jumped the fence. But, even at 17, I understood that there are things that happen behind closed doors that only the 2 people involved know about. And that is what was causing the breakdown. It was none of my business. I didn’t ask – he didn’t volunteer: it was their business. And it was being taken care of.

But, marriage and divorce being a complicated matter – especially with a child involved, I was no fool. Gloria could come back and restake her claim. That was a very real possibility.

I was stepping out cautiously.

When we got back to Cathlamet from Longview, the night was still young: midnight seemed a long way off. I threw caution to the wind and we made love that night. Our first date night. And I didn’t feel any guilt at all. It was MY decision: there was no putting out because Bob had put up. I had early on drawn a line in the sand and Bob had respected that line. Now, I was stepping over the line; of my own free will. I didn't know if I'd ever see him again - I wasn't passing up this chance to be with him. Completely: no demands put on him for declarations he wasn't ready to give. No recriminations. Just tonight. It was my choice and he would be absolved of any fault if things went south. He liked that.

I loved Bob. And Bob was ready to be loved. He was the oldest of 6 kids – and he’d been legally bound for 6 years … but before I came into his life, he’d never been fully loved. He’d never had anybody’s attention focused solely on him. I gave him all my attention – without putting demands of ownership on him. He liked that.

From the moment our eyes met over his driver license, in the Spring of 1974 – until the time we said our final goodbyes in December of 2018, looking into each other’s eyes … my attention had been focused on him. He liked that.

Bob was not a vain man, but he did like that I loved him deeply and that I put him above anyone and everything else: except Elohei, of course. I tried valiantly not to cry those final hours; but sometimes I couldn’t stop the tears. And always, there was that smile beaming across his face when he looked into my eyes and tried to instill strength in me during those trying times. And I would look into his eyes, and touch his face, and remember that first date. The conversations we had that first night … and all the nights that followed for 44 years together. Remember how we walked, hand in hand; happy to be together, even after 44 years together. I couldn’t stop the tears. I wanted to be brave – I was brave. But my heart was already missing him, and was longing for the happiness we shared: all the moments he took my breath away.

It’s now 15 months/5 days/8 hours & 25 minutes since I last held Bob’s hand and we looked into each other’s eyes. If it were not raining, would I have escaped to enjoy a long drive in the countryside, instead of feeling my nose burn with the onset of tears to come? I don’t know. Would I be inviting friends over for Supper if there were not a lock-down in place? I don’t know.

What I do know, is that April 19^th has arrived … and Bob will never arrive again.

Today, I wanted to remember this First Date date, with a pizza salute to the man of my dreams and the love of my life. But because it is such an emotional day for me, I didn't want to drive into town and risk breaking down in public during pickup: so I put feelers out. I posted this post on FB's Takeout Food - Central Cowlitz County: {{Pizza places that will deliver to Heron Pointe in Longview? Bruno's won't deliver "that far out" ... it's only 10 minutes, for Pete's sake! The girl on the phone said "our insurance won't let us deliver that far out." Today is a special day for this widow. I'd really like a Pepperoni Pizza. My husband loved pizza.}}

And a kind woman and her husband answered ... AND DELIVERED TO MY DOOR :-D They refused to be repaid the money the pizza cost, or gas costs for running it out to me. THEY WILL BE BLESSED.

And now, if I break down and cry; no one by Yeshua - and Bob - will see me.

And they both understand.

Always ~ OX

WHEN ~ April 15th, 1974

46 years ago, when Bob & I first met face to face, it was on Main Street in Catlamet. I was passing by Kerstetter’s Grocery Store, and a mutual friend saw me, and was quickly hustling Bob out of the Arcade – directly across from Kerstetter’s – and running him across the street to introduce us to each other, saying to each of us, “You should get to know each other – you’ll like each other.”

I wasn’t interested. I was already dating someone else. I gave Bob a cursory glance; and moved on. Out of sight: out of mind. I can’t speak for Bob, but that’s how it was for me.

The next time Bob & I met face to face, it was at his house. In Cathlamet. It was a fluke meeting … and we were both caught off guard. I was at a house party (in Bob’s house, where Doug rented a room) with Doug – my steady fella since the 6^th Grade. We had an understanding, if not an official engagement. Everyone KNEW we were going to make it final one day. Bob had been visiting his son in Portland, OR (he and Gloria had been separated since November 1973); he walked through the door, I carded him, we laughed: it was love in the making. We started talking and spent the remainder of the evening together, comfortably learning more about each other until my midnight curfew. Bob walked me home, and kissed me tenderly.

Bob was always gentle with me.

I told him I didn’t date married men. I didn’t want to hear from him again as long as he was legally married. He knew I meant it.

I walked into my parent’s house and put that night out of my mind. I was 17, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew that married people talked about divorce – and sometimes it happened, but most often it didn’t. Bob was 24 and had a 4 year old son. Married people usually tried to work things out when a child was involved. Bob was legally married even though his wife was openly living with another man since their November 1973 separation.

I loved Bob – I had loved him when I first saw his face in 1967 … 7 years earlier when I was a love-struck 10 year old, pathetically waiting for him to walk past me at the corner of the school building: he never even noticed me. He noticed me at his house, though, in 1974. I loved Bob: I had always loved Bob, and I knew then that I would always love Bob. BUT, I was not interested in becoming a corner to a love triangle.

I put Bob out of my thoughts: out of sight, and out of mind.

Married people talked about divorce.

I wasn’t going to get caught up in that.

When I heard from Bob again, it was tonight – 46 years ago. A Monday. He called my parent’s house around suppertime, after he got home from work. I don’t know how he got my phone number, but I thankful he did :-D

But, I have to admit, when I picked up the receiver and heard his voice, I did not know who was calling. Even when he said his name … I didn’t know (out of sight; out of mind); until he said, “Gloria filed divorce papers April 1^st; I’d really like to see you Friday night if you’d like to do something together.” THEN I KNEW!

And ((((YES!)))) I would like very much to see him Friday night :-D

Bob was the love of my life.

A face without a Name.

 

Now the face had a name.

And the face with a name wanted to spend time with me.

I was on Cloud 9 :-D

But I was also stepping out cautiously.

Married people talked about divorce: sometimes it happened, but most often they made up and stayed married.

Bob had told me that though he’d been married for 6 years, he and Gloria had only really been {married-married} for a ‘maybe a year’: she was always leaving him and running home to her mother. They had gotten married very young: Bob was 19 and Gloria was 16. They were basically children playing house, and Gloria got bored with being a housewife quite a lot - they both hurt each other; spiteful things people do when they are miserable. There was a lot of hurt with plenty of blame going both ways. This separation though, she was openly living with Dale – her soon to be 2^nd husband. And she had filed the papers.

I was stepping out Friday night cautiously.

Hoping my comfortable Cloud 9 didn’t dissipate.

I was 17.

Bob was 24.

46 YEARS AGO TONIGHT ~ Love walked In

Today is one of the ‘Specific Grieving Days’ I have earmarked throughout the 365 days of the years. I never want to forget Bob – or the love he lavished on me from the first connection to the last and final separation.

46 years ago, tonight, I didn’t have a clue as to how my life was about to forever be changed by 10 PM, when Bob would literally walk into my life. And stay.

46 years ago, my then boyfriend, Doug Moss, called me earlier in the evening and insisted I come to a kegger he was throwing at the house he was renting a room – from a fella he was working with. He told me the name of the fella, but I didn’t pay too close attention: the name didn’t ring any bells with me. I didn’t want to go to the kegger, but Doug was insistent. We’d been dating off and on since Middle School … and were currently “on” again. He said he had something he wanted to talk to me about: I was curious, so I reluctantly went.

When I arrived, the kegger was unfolding in full force. Everyone was underage (16 to 20; Doug and I were 17 and 18), and Doug was moving  through the crowd, taking his time getting to me. The air was heavy with colognes, perfumes, sloshed beer, and the stench of weed; I wasn’t interested in getting drunk or stoned … so I set myself up as door monitor and carded everyone who looked older than 20 while I waited for Doug to make his way to me to tell the important thing he insisted I be there to hear.

Doug was moving slowly in my direction … when my direction was suddenly changed.

Around 10 PM, in through the open door walked a tall figure of a man wearing a blue plaid jacket fitted to a pair of broad shoulders owned by a man who looked – and walked through the door – as if he owned the place. My “over 20!” radar kicked in: and I stepped up to him, halting him with an upraised palm and a no-nonsense, “You gotta go. You’re too old to be here, and we don’t want trouble with the cops.”

He stopped his forward momentum.

His right eyebrow went up and a slow sexy smile was aimed at me.

I was unmoved.

“You gotta go”, I repeated – motioning to the open door.

The sexy mouth spoke, “I live here; this is my house.”

“Right”, I sarcastically said in my best badass/smartass teen voice. “Bob Hargand owns this house, and you aren’t him.”

I was unmoved. And determined this fella wasn’t going any further than where he stood.

Bob stood firm too. Still amused.

“If you are who you say you are; prove it,” I said. I held my hand out, palm up – wiggling my fingers in his direction. “Show me some ID”. 

He laughed and fished his wallet out of his back pocket, looking me over. He handed me his Driver’s License with a ‘here you go, little snip’ gleam in his twinkling eyes.

Me. 1974

I took the license, saw the Name, and conceded he had the right to be standing there in his own house. Regardless of his age. I stood there looking at the license, thinking of a way to get him out of there without causing a scene: when I noticed the face on the license.

IT WAS THE FACE!

 

Bob. 1967

My mouth fell open in startled surprise and I breathed out in stunned surprise, “Oh, my God. You’re HIM! The face; oh, my God.”

When I looked back up and handed him the license, my hand was shaking. And my face was red. I was embarrassed when I realized too … that I had spoken my private thoughts out loud.

Bob was looking at me while he slipped his wallet back into his back pocket. He was curious. He’d heard what I said, and asked me what I meant. 

So, I told him. E.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. I spilled the beans about how I’d first seen him 7 years ago when he walked past me after lunch in the school cafeteria – and how I waited every day by the corner of the school to catch a glimpse of him; and how crushed I was when I found out the next year that he’d graduated and never walked past that corner of the school again.

Bob’s High School Pic. 1967

I was laughing by the time I finished my peek-a-boo confession. And Bob was laughing too; he was intrigued. As if we’d always known each other, we moved together towards a quiet corner in his livingroom and talked together until just before my midnight curfew hour. Door monitoring was forgotten ;-)

Doug, who had been slowly moving towards me had been waaaay to slow getting to me, and was watching everything happening between Bob and I from the sidelines – he knew that whatever we had together had ended: and I was no longer thinking of Doug – at all: my attention was captivated by The Face my heart had yearned for 7 long years. Doug and I never dated again – but we were lifelong friends until the night Doug died; and Bob came home after work 23 years ago to tell me about the accident.

That all-night chat session in Bob’s Cathlamet livingroom was not ‘a date’ – it was happenstance. Bob was still officially married though he and Gloria had been separated since November 1973: he had come home that night from visiting his 4 year old son in Portland, OR. When Bob walked me home (about 3 minutes away from his house), to make my midnight curfew, I made it clear to him that I didn’t date married men, and though I was happy to finally get to meet him face to face, I would not be a backdoor girl caught up in a messy marital situation. If the divorce he talked about ever happened, he could call me then … but I would be permanently unavailable until then. 

The next time Bob talked to Gloria – who was living with another man and dragging her feet getting a divorce because she was Jehovah Witness (the excuse didn’t make any sense to me or Bob) – Bob put it to her that he had the right to move on with his life too: she quit stalling and filed for divorce on April 1^st, 1974 … and Bob gave me a jingle April 15^th, asking me out Friday the 19^th.

I accepted :-D

And the rest is, as they say, ‘history’.

Carpenters: Close to You - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6inwzOooXRU

Bread: If - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQyKMueMFGk

Bread: Baby, I’m-A Want You - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-QGgGG6QDo

Todd Rundgren: Hello, It’s Me - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLeCB7Kn-VE

England Dan & John Ford Coley: I’d Really Like to See You Tonight - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xA0LXsIZXBI

Lobo: I’d Love You to Want Me - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V633PprL4DM

Spanky and Our Gang: Like to Get to Know You - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqxkdV3Odj0

Thank you, Doug, for insisting I be at that kegger!

Thank you, Bob for finally noticing me all grown up; and making a place for me in your life!

Thank you Yeshua, for blessing my life with Bob’s presence in it for 44 years!

Bob lives on in the DNA of our grandchildren.

I love you, Babe.

Always ~ OX