NO GO DENTISTRY TRIGGER

I had an early (like crack of dawn) dentist appointment this morning, so I stumbled out of bed and staggered out of the house to get to my appointment. I’m feeling pain on the right side of my face that is bleeding over into my ear region and corner of eye socket, so I wanted to have it attended to before a full-blown abscess happens.

I had called the dentist office last week, and I was told they are only open for emergencies – I think my sore face can be considered an emergency. The pain comes and goes in waves of varying degrees of pain tolerance. It really needs to be attended to.

When I showed for my appointment and entered the building, I had to stop at a ‘sanitation station’ and thoroughly drench my hands in sanitizer liquid before proceeding further. There were 4 of us – and we sat appropriately space … one old fella had 2 masks on/1 over the other: he is obviously in overkill mode.

I had 4 teeth x-rays taken before the Dr. came into the cubby they put me in. She looked at the X-rays, poked at my gums and teeth with a metal prober; then she said that though she did detect some decay in 1 tooth, she didn’t see anything that required immediate attention other than my gums which were sensitive (no news there, I know I have gingivitis), and tarter buildup which needed to be cleaned. Right then I knew nothing would be done today – it’s the same song/scenario, different Dr./location. I almost got mad … I mean, my face hurts and I’m being told there’s nothing that can be done until my teeth are cleaned! Apparently, my gums are the main culprit to the tooth pain I am experiencing. Bone density if good, but the dentist thinks the gums are the real issue. My back teeth do NOT agree – and they tell me so in staggered flashes of pain.

Saline mouth rinses and a jet wash was the recommendation.

I just closed my eyes, counted to ten, and defused my temper.

I didn't need any fillings ... yet; and no extractions at all. But as soon as I can reasonably afford it, I need to schedule a thorough exam and cleaning. The exam I'm okay with and am expecting a report full of "fixes" - a complete and total back-peddling of today's visit which could have been taken care of today: the cleaning I have always hated and am not looking forward to at all. My assessment is that the dentist's eyes were on how fast to spend the Stimulus Check I'm hanging onto for tire replacements when needed (I let Visa go because I don't want to be paying interest on credit - BAD idea all the way around & I never wanted Visa anyway; so I have to make sure I keep tire money out ... the amount Bob said I'd need - ALL 4 have to be changed out if 1 goes bad). I DO LIKE this dentist, BUT dentistry is a business, and businesses are strapped for money due to governor power grabs: the dentist is going to have to stand in line with everyone else to get the $$$$ they are overcharging while sitting on their hands. And that will take T.I.M.E. to save towards. If they weren't in a hurry to take care of business TODAY, I'm in no rush to make their tomorrow's easy. Just sayin'.

I bought a waterpik …

… patted myself on the back for managing to understand the written directions and get it put together: and test-run-using it properly to understand HOW it works:

I am sure Bob was standing next to Yeshua, beaming, and saying, "I married a determined girl ... I always told her she could do anything she set her mind to do. And she's doing it." 

And cried when I put the spare pic away.

In putting the spare pick away in a vanity drawer in the master bath, my fingers inadvertently grazed the black velvet bag that holds the hair clipper set I used to keep my husband’s head bald over the years (his choice – he preferred being clipped to the skin); why I have kept the clippers, I am not sure.

But there they are – in the drawer.

628 days of non-use: Bob isn’t coming back; they will never be used again.

Bob - 2016

And even after standing there by the vanity counter, bawling my eyes out … I could not bring myself to grab them out of that drawer and walk them to the trash can.

They are still in the drawer.

Will keeping the clippers in the master bath vanity drawer undermine my “healing recovery” process? Will walking them to the trash can really speed up my healing recovery process? I don’t know the answer to either nagging question. What I do know is that a healing recovery is not a linear event. People – adjusted merry widows happily going solo, family members with spouses and children, and friends with spouses and children – all keep telling me that as time marches forward, I will be my old self again. Nothing is further from the truth. Time does march forward, but I will never be my old self again: part of me is permanently missing from me. A smell, a song … and moments, like this morning when my fingertips brushed that black velvet bag pushed to the back of the drawer … and many other things that will happen; will suddenly and smartly bring tears to the eyes, a swift dizziness as emotions are rocked, and a nauseating kick to the stomach – physical and emotional reactions that remind me that I am a loooong way yet from a healing recovery; and I will never be my old self again.

Adjusted merry widows, family, and friends mean well, but they obviously do not understand that losing half of your ‘old self’ is not like having a cold from which you rebound. Losing half of your old self is like having chronic bronchitis … I know what that is like: I may be in remission for a period of time, but eventually a flareup will occur that makes life difficult for a while.

So, tonight, I am riding out a flareup of memories caused by a black velvet bag in the back of a drawer, brought on by the storing of an extra waterpic pick.

All because dentistry was a ‘no go’ this morning.