Math & I do not get along: at all; the
logic of math seems illogical to me – Bob understood mathematical logistics,
and our daughter thrives on the complications of mathematical logistics: I just
utilize math in cooking and household budgeting.
The same goes for science.
But, I believe I can wrap my mind around ‘Quantum
Widowhood’.
Admittedly, it is very early in the morning; and
I have been awake sine 4:00 AM. I have reached that point where nausea is being
felt and it would be nice to go back to bed: but I can’t. My mind has
been tripped and it is running full throttle.
So …
The current traipsing down a rabbit trail started
yesterday morning when I woke up feeling off kilter – couldn’t put my finger on
just {why}; I just {was}.
Out of the blue.
Nothing (I know of) triggered the
strangeness I was feeling.
And I can’t explain it now.
All I can say is that I went to bed Tuesday
night, and woke up Wednesday morning missing Bob with an intensity
that woke me shaking & feeling strange.
I hadn’t felt like that since last December. It
kinda scared me, if truth be told. I hadn’t been thinking of Bob at all –
though he is always on my mind. I had been sleeping. Thoughtlessly … I assumed.
Yet, I woke feeling like I was on an active
fault-line, reviving. And my over-all balance was shakily off-kilter.
Unsettled.
It was disturbing. I didn’t like it.
I usually have a pretty solid grip on my
emotions, and I always know where my life is going … and how to get there. But,
this Widow thing is a whole new trip.
I went to bed feeling okay, & doing okay –
and I woke up wondering what the hell was happening. How did things morph from
calm and peaceful to bewildered and strange?
And, why, now?
I get the “first years 1st’s”. I have
been experiencing them since the end of August, and I KNOW what triggers that
discomfort. But this, this was different. And I don’t know what –
exactly – triggered it.
Perhaps it is the seasonal change, with the
shorter days and lengthening shadows. Perhaps it is the constant gray clouds
that hide the warming and cheery sun. Perhaps it is the constant rain that
casts a dreary pall this time of year. Perhaps it is that I have, literally, lost
my entire family (all branches on all sides) in the span of 10 months. Perhaps
ALL of THAT adds to the acute ‘missingness’ of my husband in my
life. I feel his absence: it is a tangible feeling in my life, in the house, in
the car … wherever I am, whatever I am doing … he is not there. That absence is
felt.
I’m not depressed; just tired. I need a short snooze …
Maybe that is what the morning strangeness
of yesterday was about. I did manage to shake it off though; with a trip to Eden
Valley (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/11/destination-locations_20.html), and the day ended on an upbeat note
– albeit exhausting. It is tiring to be caught in the grip of grief.
THANK GOD I woke up in a better frame of mind
this morning.
However, Bob is still physically absent from my
life. I believe his spirit is still present – and his essence of love surrounds
me. That is a Biblical reality based on fact. I just cannot see him, touch
him, or have an actual conversation with him – all that is taboo. But I
KNOW that he can see me, that he can hear me, and that he loves me … on a different
wave length.
Hence, the notion of ‘quantum
widowhood’.
Bob and Stacey understood the mathematical &
scientific connotations of quantum logistics: it’s greek to me. No pun
intended. They tried explaining it to me, but I could never grasp the theory.
I think I am beginning to now … Bob & I are living our lives & experiencing love in parallel
worlds; where we are near to each other – but not able to interact as
before: before Bob’s spirit left this world with his last expulsion of breath (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2018/12/widowhood.html). Bob is no longer flesh and bone; his
new body functions with a different spectrum of energy.
Even so, Bob’s brand is all over me. From head to
toe (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/09/i-remember.html) – and the effect Bob left in my life
is woven throughout it: it is impossible to separate the past from the present;
or even the future. Without him, the rhythm of my life remains askew; always
slightly off. I struggle every day (even the ‘good days’; the days I don’t
cry all day long) to find an even keel, to find balance. My heart has
started beating without misfiring. I can breathe now without gasping for air. I
can engage in physical activities again without my legs going out from under
me. But everything is always off kilter in some way. Because Bob is
missing. And the missingness affects my psyche. Deeply and profoundly. (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/09/people-dont-see.html)
I miss my husband most when I am going about my
normal daily routines – I almost added ‘ordinary’ … but nothing is ordinary anymore
since December 14th, 2018. Nothing. Everything is now complicated, unfamiliar,
and lonesome. Attempting to ‘live forward’ seems more troublesome than it is
worth. So, I just do the best I can to live “in the moment”, hoping
& praying for the best in every day to manifest itself. And sometimes, it
does.
It is hard to cook for 1 when one is used to cooking for a family … or even for 2 after the
kids leave home. But, I am doing it; and finding that while it is hard to face
the fact that {I} am no longer {we}, I now have the freedom to cook and enjoy foods/meals
that Bob bulked at trying: it is a freedom I wish came to me under different
circumstances. I have also lost 30 pounds because I am cooking & eating
differently. I can say and do things now without worrying how it is
going to impact anyone but me-myself-and I; Bob never really cracked down on me
like some husbands do, but there were words, phrases, and actions I knew made
him uncomfortable – so I went out of my way to avoid using or doing them. But
Bob is not here now (in the flesh, anyway) and I can please myself.
Within reason. I can wear clothing that I like again – again, Bob never
really put the bite on me about anything … but I knew by little silent,
otherwise unnoticeable things (I KNEW Bob so intimately, that he spoke to me
without speaking – his eyes, the way he stood, the way he didn’t say or do anything
in particular that still spoke volumes): Bob’s 1st wife & I
had pretty much the same taste in clothing, though I do believe I wore them
better ;-) That said, because of the way she behaved and betrayed him, he
kinda associated the behavior with the clothes. It wasn’t logical, but that’s
the way it was; so, I learned to wear subdued and acceptable clothing. Now,
Bob is not here, and I have begun to add more flashy and ‘me trademark’ type of
clothing. Within reason. I can get in the car and drive wherever I want to
– for as long as I want to … without taking someone else’s schedule or opinions
into account. But, what I wouldn’t give to have Bob still beside
me in the car; in my current life – wrinkling his nose at a new recipe with
foods he wasn’t sure he wanted to try, or watching his left eyebrow go up when
I said the F-Word in a moment of frustration. I’d wear a flour sack if Bob were
still in my life: in the present, as flesh & blood.
But, Bob is no longer here. And my life – as I
knew it – is changing.
11 months/8 days/1 hour & 15 minutes ago, I was
competent in my life: I knew who I was, where I was headed – and I had a pretty
good chance of getting there; I had confidence that even if I fell short in one
area … something (usually Bob’s unwavering and unconditional love) would
balance the scales. Now, in this new life, that can make me proud one moment with
victorious small steps forward; & leave me shaky with unknown night terrors
the next, is complicated. Bob’s absence in my life has altered my life in ways
that are irreversible: and nothing can ever “fix” it, or piece it back
together again, without the fracture being obvious. It is hard to find a
balance when your world is continually tipped askew.
Yeshua never promised to remove our troubles – He
promised only to come alongside us and help us shoulder the burdens (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/01/his-grace-is-sufficient-for-me.html).
Elohim never promised us a rose
garden, but He did promise that if we slow down, smell the roses, and leave the
outcome of life’s turmoils to Him; we would enjoy life a whole lot better (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/11/lolam-vaed.html).
So.
That is what I am attempting to do in this unexpected
life of ‘Quantum Widowhood’, where my new ‘becoming’ life hovers between here
and there. My physical life is firmly in the earthly realm of life, while my
spiritual life vacillates between here – and where time & space do not
exist – as my consciousness breeches the veil between the physical dimension of
earth, and the ethereal mists of the other realm: mental acrobatics between parallel
worlds. I am a survivor.
The woman I am right now, at this particular
moment, is flummoxed most days coming to terms with my new reality. The old me doesn’t
understand how the old me got lost in the shuffle. The new me totally understands.
My reality has shifted: there is a new depth to
my new reality. Allowances and adjustments are being worked out to a
satisfactory outcome. Damage is being balanced.
I believe I can wrap my mind around ‘Quantum
Widowhood’.
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