Va’ed is a Hebrew term that equates “to infinity and beyond!”
L’Olam Va’ed carries the connotation that there is a dimension beyond time; a reassurance that time itself goes on even after we can no longer perceive it … that there is an indefinite future; an eternity, really – on which we have a brief, but lasting influence.
Our lifetime, brief as it was given the understanding of l’olam va’ed, seemed a long time in our earthly time; but given the magnitude of eternity, it was a mere blink of an eye.
Yet, SO MUCH LIFE was lived in that blink!
And all my futures will forever be 44 years.
Come December 29th, I will be 63 years old – and the following year, I will be 64 years old. But I will ALWAYS BE married 44 years. My marriage will never age. Time for my marriage stopped December 14th, 2018 at exactly 8:05 AM. My life with Bob ended on that day, at that specific time – I KNOW, because I watched Bob breathe out his last breath … and my eyes immediately shifted to the clock on the wall.
December 14th, 2018.
8:05 AM.
I was 61 years old; my 62nd birthday followed 15 days later.
I was 61 years old; my 62nd birthday followed 15 days later.
I aged.
Bob … and our Anniversary didn’t.
Bob is ageless now as he rides the clouds; and our Anniversary was suspended in time: my years as wife to Bob will always remain 44 years.
But my Widowhood years will multiply.
When THIS December 14th, & 8:05 AM on December 14th, 2019 comes around, I will have marked my first year as a widow. And next year will be year 2 – each successive year will gain in numerical increase while my Anniversary years will be frozen at 44 years.
I am still Bob’s Wife, and yet I am not.
Today, a year ago, Bob and I were living another life.
Together.
And that life was changing every hour on the hour. It was scary. It was frustrating. It was spiraling out of control. We knew that Elohim is faithful, and we knew that He had blessed us with healings in the past - if He chose to do so again, GOOD … BUT if He chose to call Bob home ... then we are ready for that also. No matter what, we are going to make the best of the time together that we had to that date been granted; and praise Him anyway.
Because He is worthy.
Because He is worthy.
No matter what.
Today - last year, was a hard time to experience.
Bob was being shifted back and forth between his room & ICU more and more often; and he consented to using potent narcotics to dull the severe pain. BUT the DNR remained in place; and he managed to give his testimony of how he got saved in 1981 to all his attendants, and to the chaplains that visited him. Bob knew he was dying – and he was not afraid. His Faith was strong in Yeshua - and in Elohei, Who Bob trusts 100% with his life (then, and now). Bob had, by this time last year, lost 55 pounds as well as muscle tone since September. His stomach was painfully bloated because of the pancreatitis flare-ups. He endured a lot of severe pain.
A Neck stint put in, in ER, because they were going to rush him to OHSU. That was canceled and it was then being used in ICU to administer the narcotics.
Bob was having bile fluids drained, and massaging leg cuffs were strapped on his legs because edema was starting on his legs due to the saline IV’s and bed-ridden state – blood clots were a serious danger:
He was started on physical therapy sessions and tube feedings, and there were pep talks of him eventually coming back home … but, that was just aimless talk doctors do when they really have nothing hopeful to float: and it made me mad that they were lying to us. I understand WHY they lied – but it still angered me. The docs had made it clear to us that Bob was living on borrowed time - just how long that time would be was a crap-shoot-guesstimate, as there is no definate way of knowing the longevity: there were a LOT of conflicting diagnoses and disagreements between attending physicians as to WHY Bob had been stricken with acute pancreatitis – and how to treat it. But the one thing that ALL of them agreed on, was that acute pancreatitis is not curable, and that at that particular moment in time, Bob was dying: THAT DIAGNOSIS NEVER CHANGED – regardless of what his mother and sisters chose to hear & believe. Every hour was a ‘touch-n-go’ scenario. It was getting harder and harder for me to leave him at night: I was leaving the hospital earlier then, around 4 p.m., because the fog bank off the river would roll in and settle very thick over the roadway between Baker’s Corner & Heron Pointe, making driving that stretch of the highway dicey. During that period of time, I was always afraid I’d get {the call} in the middle of the night – I tried not be terrified when I left the hospital every night.
Two out-of-town relatives came to see Bob on this day last year: my youngest sister, Carla, called and said she wanted to see Bob “before it’s too late” – I told her to come. Our lives are very different, but I knew she loved Bob: the differences in chosen lifestyles didn’t seem so inflammatory at that moment in time – we agreed to disagree. Love was the order of the day. Later on – that same day; Bob’s nephew-in-law, Chris, was in town and dropped by his room for a visit before heading to Seattle to catch his plane back to Maine. It was a good visit despite the fact that Chris and Bob’s niece Michelle were in the process of divorce.
And, after Chris left, Bob & I talked. We didn’t beat around the bush – we talked about the very real specter of death that hovered over us 24/7 since his ER visit, the tail end of August. I said, “I know your mother and sisters seriously overstepped themselves last month, and it is justifiable for us to be angry; but Bob … you are seriously facing death – it’s time to forgive them and end the banishment from your life; for your sake. Be bigger than them. Forgive. It won’t make what they did, okay, but forgiving them WILL be doing what Yeshua tells us to do: do it FOR YOU. Don’t let them keep you out of Heaven. Please, Bob. Call them. Get it right with Elohim. Do all you can to make sure you get into Heaven – THAT is what’s important.” Bob picked up the phone and called Merry, telling her he forgave them – and when she started trying to change what actually happened … he didn’t rise to the enemy’s baiting bait – he punted them 'a misunderstanding' pass, and let them off the hook. To obey Yeshua; to honor Elohim. For his own sake. To make sure he didn’t lose the prize in the end game.
And this day ... today ... is as fresh to my consciousness as the day it happened: last year.
It is so fresh, I can see my husband clearly … and I can almost feel his skin again.
On this night, last year, I spent the night in Bob’s hospital room for the first time. It would not be the last time.
On this night, now … I give those memories, of that time, to Elohim.
I really am not comfortable
reliving these “1st’s” flashbacks; so, I slipped into one of Bob’s
old tee-shirts. Wearing his shirts – even if I swim them – comforts me. I am
past what I look like … and I am thanking Elohim that the video feature on my phone (Bob's phone) works again.
I give these 1st's falshbacks to Elohim, so my heart can heal.
I love you, Babe.
Always – to infinity and beyond.
OX
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