PEOPLE DON'T SEE ...

The hard truth is that people only see what they want to see.

And they don’t understand the tears that still come …

Unbidden.

And at inconvenient times.

They can’t comprehend the sudden and unexpected moments of missing the one who is no longer walking with us.

The consuming loss that still takes your breath away.

Three quarters of a year past their expected time that you should “be used to it by now”.

They don’t see the fight that your soul still struggles with.

To survive; first.

To exist; second.

And to simply live as best you can; third.

They don’t see the hidden tolls that your loss has taken on you –

On your mind: how you somehow manage to stay sane in a world turned upside down, where the surreal reality of your new life makes you seriously question your sanity on nearly every other day.

On your heart: how every day you have to pick up the pieces and patch your broken heart together again, knowing that by the day’s end it will be shattered again … and you will have to repeat the endless process all over again.

On your soul: how you are literally in the fight of your life FOR your life; because your soul wants to fly away too – but it is bound here for the time being, and you have no idea who you are anymore. And no purpose anymore beyond surviving. Life does not make sense anymore.

On your body: you have no energy anymore. All your strength is consumed by your instinct to survive – while wrestling with the want to be with your spouse: it’s an all-consuming battle that eats time and drains your energy. When you are not fighting to stay alive, you are falling asleep on your feet because you are worn out with the draining tolls exacted on your mind, your heart, and your soul. Half the time you can’t even eat; food has lost its appeal – and cooking for 1 is just too much hassle. A quick sandwich is not adequate fuel to make your body function properly.

They don’t see how your loss still impacts every area of your life in ways unimaginable - and indescribable.

Your concerns are not their concerns: their lives are not gripped by the loss of their spouse; their securities are not altered.

And they do not want to 'go there' with worrying "what if's" they feel may jinx thier tidy lives.

They don’t see, what they don’t want to see.

That, even as we widows move forward …

The damage and pain of our loss will never fully go away

The emptiness that is where the other half of our heart used to be, will be always be there.

For the rest of our days.

They don’t see the courage that it took to hold on – when you didn’t think that you could hold on.

They don’t see the will it took to exist; when you did not want to exist.

And they don’t see the bravery it takes to actually start living again.

When your world came to an end.

And you didn’t think you would make it past that first hour.