MOTIVATION

I woke up to sunshine streaming into the house through the skylights - thank you, Yeshua for providing this house 👍: thank you, Babe, for buying this house for me 😘. ALL the windows in this house cinched the deal 😁

Sunshine greeted me this morning ... and set the mood to get me outside to do yard work.

First, I put coffee on to perk; and found Bob’s black electrical tape to secure the split cord of the coffee grinder. I’m tired of losing things that were part of our life together.

The cord was split, but the plastic coating was still intact; there was no wiring showing through. The electrical tape is basically just for my peace of mind  and to put the split cord side by side again:

Electrical Tape to the rescue ... Bob & I bought this coffee grinder at Costco in the mid-1980’s; I'm not ready to let it go yet.

A tight taped fit (I only wrapped it once – thinly) & kinda ugly - but workable.

While the coffee continued to perk, I prepared & hung 2 WHY (wasp, hornet & yellow jacket) Traps, and knocked down 2 paper wasp nests that were being built in the carport rafters. I pissed off a big hornet building one nest, so I got away from there quick. A sting means death to me, so I didn't stick around …

I hung one WHY Trap (wasp-hornet-yellow jacket) in the maple tree out front.

I hung one WHY Trap in the carport, like I did last year.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/07/ha-it-works.html)

I found 2 paper wasp Nests in the carport rafters ... and knocked them down with a long dowel. Thank Elohim, I did not have to climb up on my little ladder.

I ate a quick breakfast, spritzed the house plants (it was so hot!), and added some powdered Tang to a bottle of water before heading outside. Then I started pulling weeds and grass mats (clumps of grass with a shallow root mass) out of the side borders & beach rock ... and chatted with the neighbors over the back fence, who were also tending to their back yard that abuts mine. 

We were all taking periodic breaks to beat the heat:

Saturday Hikes are in the works. Another good incentive to get the weeding all done.

I am thinking of finding a way to get rid of the phone's newsfeed feature - I don't like anything that is coming through since 2020 started: sometimes ignorance really IS "bliss". MPO

Thoughts on today’s afternoon phonefeed’s annoyances. barak hussain obama bragged he was ‘going to change the landscape of America’ … and he has – NOT FOR THE GOOD. obama is evil personified, and the demoncrats are his demented legion carrying forth and implementing his wickedly perverted agenda. obama is continually in the spotlight, flapping his yap on every – and any – issue: he will harangue President Trump continually until November elections (https://www.nbcnews.com/nightly-news/video/obama-criticizes-trump-administration-s-coronavirus-response-as-chaotic-disaster-83257413536) and whip his worshipping minions into frothy hysteria and general meyham – obama has singled-handedly catapulted Americans into the Twilight Zone; and demoncrats are running full steam with it.

That the deluded demoncrats actually believe they are the voice of reason and have a corner on ‘the morals of America’ is laughable; especially since party hardliners solidly stand behind and openly support their pet political figures with the morals of alley cats.

demoncrats have publicly stated that they will vote for their rapist candidate ‘no matter what he has done because we think he’s better than Trump’. Their hypocrisy is glaring and they feel no shame whatsoever to be standing with a rapist and rushing him to the White House! That hellery is supporting a rapist is no surprise – she stood by her raping man too.

Crazy pelosi is in early dementia mode and should be unseated – she’s a real and present danger to America, and to Americans … (https://thehill.com/homenews/house/495419-pelosi-on-whether-biden-should-address-allegation-its-a-matter-that-he-has-to)

The {morals} hypocrisy displayed by the demoncrat party is glaring -(https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/26/opinion/trump-jean-carroll.html):

calimexarabia woman running for seat engaged
in 3-way sexcapades. (https://nypost.com/2019/10/28/gop-incumbent-who-katie-hill-defeated-is-considering-run-for-her-seat/)

Perverted marriage's are only a piece of paper – NOT recognized by Elohei; no matter how they try to spin it. (https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/true-crime/wp/2017/11/11/a-mother-married-her-son-and-then-her-daughter-who-just-pleaded-guilty-to-incest-officials-say/; https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7379361/California-trio-planning-polyamorous-wedding-six-years-together.html; https://www.bbc.com/news/world-40655103)

The demoncrat party is party of freak shows headed by their proud homosexual prez man-god. He was NEVER "President" ... he was always just a 'tool' to destroy America's moral foundation. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQHlLSgF-Sg&list=PLVwGSAUrNKmRowTxBas1elhPxnH_41EMX&index=1; https://veryersatznews.com/2017/12/04/breaking-president-obama-hired-gay-lover-as-body-man/; https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4470550/President-Obama-considered-pursuing-gay-relationship.html)

I'm glad Bob is not here to see where America has gone.

It's very possible we are in the End of Days time-frame (Matthew 7:15 & 16; Book of Jude & Revelation 20:4).

Career {churches} today don't understand God. They are not serving Him. For ego and the love of money they have forsaken Elohei (1 Timothy 4:1 & 1 Timothy 6:10).

It's 8 PM now, and still hot as an oven outside: 80-degrees.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day … and I will be childless: no daughter, no grandchildren. I will be solo lobo, like last year after Bob graduated.

That’s okay. ((((I KNOW)))) I’m a Mom - I have a certified birth certifcate that pronounces me a mother; I gave birth to a baby girl, May 24th, 1975 at 12:27'noon. People who personally know me, KNOW I am a Mom, and that I was and still am a good Mom when allowed to be - and when respect is shown me.

I know I was a good Mom and a great Grandmother – to my stepson and his girls too; there is NO reason for the animosity, other than I am a Christian and society has turned our children against me. They mock and ridicule me, and take absolutely no responsibility for their bitter angst's/personal actions that alienate all of us. Elohim knows this too.

Bob knew this would happen when he left earth 16 months ago. He gave me strength and encouragements that I lean on every day since then.

1975. Bob, Me, our daughter Stacey & his son, Alex.

I will enjoy the Day anyway – and Elohim will provide the joy :-D

Tomorrow I am jumping the river and going for a drive, in secluded areas 😁

Hopefully I won't get arrested for being out-of-State 😬

BELIEVE ... OR NOT BELIEVE ~ That is The Question

What would it be like if you stopped thinking for yourself and believed everything the media tells you?

Here’s what it might look like to be completely brainwashed by the news mediums …

FOR THE BIRDS

Arrogant ignorance reigns in all walks of life.

People living in a free world ultimately come to believe that their rants somehow carry a unique message “no one else is getting”, while totally overlooking the fact that their rants mean very little to the rest of us.

Case and point – this post by a grieving widower who believes that other grieving widowing people should share his sense of self-righteous indignations that trigger his triggers.

So, naturally … I had to reply with a dose of reality: reopening America has more to do with mental health than it does with monetary gain, though economy growth is beneficial to mental health. Anyone with the merest iota of logical reasoning can understand how the two are solidly linked. Anyone with Historical knowledge can reasonably reason how communist and socialist countries run by dictators that have driven countries into bankruptcy and an unstable society with the mindless belief that “a moneyless society benefits everyone”, actually enslaves its people and renders them helpless; and is NOT a “good” thing.

Maybe Jeff should spend a little less time watching TV and Netflix ... and spend a little more time in real-time enjoying real life.

That he is actually comparing America to other countries run by dictators – and insisting we follow THEIR examples is concerning; but that seems to be the underlying purpose behind the political posturing and media hyperbole. NEWSFLASH PEOPLE OF AMERICA: America is not like “other countries” – America is unique. America is operated BY THE PEOPLE, FOR THE PEOPLE. Other countries are run by dynasties, dictators, and insane religious leaders. Americans DO NOT WANT what “other countries” have. Those that do can march their pathetic whiny asses to the nearest airport and buy a 1-way ticket to the country of their choice and live as a slave to a non-existent nirvana, bowing to any reigning royal, dictator, or muslim cleric they chose.

BUT, they CANNOT force their opinions on the rest of us who want the freedom of choice we, here in America, CHOOSE to live OUR lives.

I understand grief.

I understand freedom of choice.

I understand that Jeff is lost in grief and is willing to give up HIS freedoms to wallow in grief: I choose differently. Jeff needs to understand that his opinions and wants are not what every other widowing person is thinking or wanting.

MOST widowing people want the lockdowns and shutdowns lifted. They do not want to be held hostage inside their homes, living in stifling and claustrophobic fear, wallowing in unrelenting grief.

And I am betting that the “awaiting moderation view” (Jeff himself) will determine that my reply be trashed along with the fearful freedoms he is railing about.

My reply does not “fit” his self-absorbed view.

My reply is not what he is angling for.

My reply will further piss him off.

And I’m okay with that ;-)

**********
==Falling Backwards

Posted on: May 7, 2020 | Posted by: Jeff

Over the last week, I have been hit by several large waves of grief. Quite frankly, it sucks. It has been a long time since I have felt like this.

First, I want to talk about triggers and what I think kicked it off for me, so starting with a bit of a rant here.

Maybe the trigger was the fact that many places are starting to reopen after sheltering in place for CoVID-19, and I fear we are about to revert to the type of “normal” we were experiencing prior to the pandemic. If so, then to me, this means we have missed an opportunity. Moreover, the bigger trigger to me is the lack of soul in this country. While there have been so many beautiful stories of people and communities coming together to care for each other, others have shown such contempt and selfishness (and totally inappropriate) behavior despite how much love and care has been shown by many others.

Right now, I feel like the backlash movement (that has started in many parts of the country) is indicative of the way too many Americans feel. It terrifies me that it has only arisen in this country—no other civilized country has experienced armed mobs on their city and state building steps demanding they reopen for the sake of the economy. And our leadership has failed to quell the backlash and these mobs are putting people at risk for the sake of the economy.

In my overactive, grief stricken, triggered mind, I hold our leaders accountable because each and every member of congress and executive has sworn an oath to protect and uphold the Constitution—which specifically states, “WE THE PEOPLE of the United States, in order to create more perfect union” and not, “We the economy of the United States…”.

Maybe I was triggered after I watched “After Life” with Ricky Gervais. If you haven’t seen it, I would recommend watching (it’s on Netflix). It will undoubtedly help you to understand the mind of a widower like me (although he does do and say things to people that I would never imagine myself doing or saying).

Or, maybe it was watching the BBC Radio 1 Live Lounge (from home) version of the Foo Fighter’s “Times Like These” that was released last week. It is one of my all-time favorite songs, and this rendition brought me (and many others) to tears.

Maybe it was just good old-fashioned grief. I was missing Suzanne and I wanted her back. These thoughts and that sense of longing happens a great deal more than I usually acknowledge.

Whatever was the trigger, it made me start to experience this life in a way I have not done in a long time. It has made me say things to myself I would not have imagined saying a few months ago, it has made me feel things I no longer want to feel, and it has compelled me to do things I have not contemplated in a long time.

How did I feel? Frustrated, angry, fearful, longing, missing, empty, sad, abandoned, confused, depressed, devastated, disillusioned, distant and so many other things all at once…

It was almost embarrassing. Over these last few months, I have been far more energetic and fulfilled than I have been in a long time. This bout of grief felt like I was falling backwards.

I was frightened. It was hard for me to feel the feelings, and I was doing my best to avoid the pain. I did not want to be in that space. I no longer want that level of heartache and heartbreak. It’s almost unbearable pain.

So, I lay on the floor of my office last week and I cried. I shouted. I cursed. I told myself it was okay that I am not okay, but the feelings of guilt and the feelings of anger will not change my circumstances.

While much of the time, I am and remain hopeful about my life and about us as a society, the triggers that drove me to feel the way I did last weekend were simply signals to me that things are not always going to work the way I hope. That there will be times when I will know bitterness and disappointment. I will feel like I let myself down (and others).

But the key thing is, I know I can do better and even if it’s a matter of taking a tiny baby step forward and seeing the positivity and being grateful for the tiniest of successes, then that is a start. Will I always be able to overcome these bouts of grief? To quote Brian Wilson, “God Only Knows. And God only knows what I will be without” Suzanne…

**********
[Your comment is awaiting moderation.]

You are entitled to YOUR opinions … however, your triggers to not supercede my freedoms.

As a widow coming into my 16th months, the illegal shutdowns and lockouts forced on me by overzealous governors campaigning for VP position in a failing political party has seriously undermined my healing process.

As a widow locked up in her house 24/7 for months on end – with no discernible end in sight (quite possibly November, perhaps when the election season ends), the selfish and disastrous decisions made by strangers … supposedly on my behalf … have crippled my progress forward in a new life I did not ask for, do not want, and have not campaigned for; memories abound in a house that is no longer a home. Memories that under any other situation in any other circumstance, would have me smiling with joy – now had me dissolving in tears. All day long. Where before the shutdowns and lockouts, I could escape my mind revisiting visions of death watch scenes over-and-over-and-over-again for an hour or two, to walk a trail or sit in a Park; enjoying and hearing life happening around me: that was no longer available to my healing process under the governor overreach pretense of “saving” me.

I am 63 years old – time marches on while governors hold states in unwarranted and unwanted suspended animation. It pisses me off that total strangers feel they have the right to decide for me what is “best” for me!

In America, we are FREE, as CITIZENS of a FREE Republic to move about FREELY. To congregate AT WILL, FREELY with whomever-whenever-for whatever reason – and we DO NOT Have to “give reason” as to why. To anyone; for anything.

You are free to disagree.

But you are not free to override my personal freedoms.

Your triggers have no right to trigger my triggers.

~Val

As I thought – he emailed me saying he would not post my response to his post because “it is political.” Hmmm … I replied to a post FULL of political angst passed off as widowing grief. What followed his email was 4 hours of Jeff emailing me every half hour trying to browbeat me into “understanding” why he was right … and I (according to his viewpoint) was wrong: he had lived in other countries for years and America is not as unique as Americans seem to think America is – other countries are not as backwards as American government (we should follow India’s example, for example) – he ‘knows’ what he’s talking about because according to him, he has friends and family members infected with covid-19 (and that makes him an expert on covid-19) – he watched a lot of TV news anchors, and he’s ‘following the truth path’; yada-yada-yada! I finally told him to stop emailing me: I am never going to agree with him; and I really did not appreciate the barrage of lecturing emails full of bully tactics which only pissed me off.

I read his last ranting email, and thought: “This is for the birds!”

Then I turned the laptop off, shut Jeff down, and busied myself with things that really matter. Jeff’s opinions don’t matter … moving forward with my life, building my new life, matters.

Things that will keep my body active and limber, and my mind in the moment and not traipsing down Memory Lane, while I AM for all intents and purposes STILL under house arrest due to my age, according to inslee’s mandated 4-stages “safe” State Operations.

Know-it-all-Jeff be buggered.

I put bird feed in the Bird Feeder out front, made a batch of Hummingbird Sugar Water, and put that in the ‘fridge to cool while I got busy outside.

Everything I had bought at Adna a few weeks ago was put into play today :-D (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/04/my-haul-d.html).

Hand Pump Planter painted.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/05/danger-zone.html)

Three coats of paint, was applied to the hand pump – I sprayed the clear sealer on it last night.

2 geraniums were replaced (they didn’t survive the winter); & the 4 new ones I bought in Adna were planted in the 4 terra cotta pots I also bought in Adna ;-)

Terra cotta bird bath set up and in place … I've got to do something with the apple tree pot: it looks awful.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/04/beautiful-blue-sky-day.html)

I watered the planted geraniums, and filled the bird bath. And, even though it has rained and the soil is still damp; I watered the garden boxes this afternoon because it was so hot (73-degrees), and I had planted seeds in the beds along with the transplants a couple weeks ago – seeds need daily watering.

Walking along the garden boxes, I noticed baby apples showing on both of my patio Apple Trees:

Baby apples on both of my patio Apple trees! :-D

A big, fat, mushroom is squatting in my foxglove planter: it has rained that much ...

Then, I put the front porch stuff in place …

Hummingbird feeders are hung in place …

I filled the duck planters with silk fern arrangements.

Drake ducks are more colorful than hens, so I downplayed his floral flair – and upped hers: it’s only fair ;-)

The hand pump planter has been filled with a cute heart-leaf bit of greenery (it's living greenery), and placed on the upper rack of the leaf planter; I placed a silk fern arrangement on the lower rack (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/04/this-week.html).

Now this corner looks a little more welcoming :-D

Today was a good day once it got underway: it started out with an eye-roll ‘for the birds’ … and ended with a satisfied smile for the birds :-D

I Will …

Trying to avoid wandering down rabbit trails by keeping busy and keeping my mind occupied wasn’t such a good idea today.

Why?

Because my busy work unintentionally led my thoughts down rabbit trails – and a memory slide show was tripped.

I don’t even remember WHY I had opened that particular little top dresser drawer … that drawer was always Bob’s personal drawer for his personal things. I had cleared it of Bob’s socks and underwear, September 25^th, 2019 – but I keep other personal things of his in there: the pencil stub he had last used when he crafted my last 3 planter boxes that fateful day our life started unraveling; Bob's TV remote that belongs to the disconnected TV still in place in our bedroom; the two packages of Tums from the Tums trio – unopened, and will probably rot in the plastic sheath; the headphone set he used when he watched Youtube movies on his Laptop – the laptop I am now using. I will never use the things I have shut away in his personal drawer, and I don’t remember now why I was even in that drawer. But I was; and my eyes fell on my old cell phone. I forgot I had put it in there 16 months ago, when I disconnected it; and kept Bob’s phone for my primary contact phone. I kept Bob’s phone because it is the one last tangible thing his skin touch – when I use my husband’s phone, I feel connected to him in some small way. But as I looked at my old phone, laying so forlorn and useless in that small dark dresser drawer, all I could think was: ‘Bob will never call me on that phone again. I will never again hear it come alive with Bob’s special ring tone. I will never again flip it open and hear his sexy voice say, “I just called to say I love you.”’

No more ordinary days – all my days now are strange, and bewildering. No more air-blown kisses and lovers chuckles over private jokes said in secret code mode. No more sexy man calling to say sweet sexy things in my ear, that could thrill and fill my heart, like those three short words, “I love you” could do.

Looking at that reminder of happier/love affirming times, I realized I was looking at it with clear eyes. Tears weren’t blinding me.

I am healing.

I am surviving the hardest time in my life … even though it did take 12 months of my 16 widowhood months for me to believe it.

I will.

… even though it took 12 months for me to want to.

I will.

… even though I still have days (sometimes weeks) when my feet are washed out from under me by unexpected sneaker waves.

I will.

… even though I still have times when I find my psyche held in the surreal grip of, “I can’t believe that this is my life”.

I will.

… even though there have been many times throughout the passing months when my thoughts ran wildly down the path of “this new life sucks.”

I will.

… even though I’m no longer the same person I was with Bob “before”; and I miss my husband with a missingness that physically aches.

I will.

… even though my “before” heart is forever scarred with “after” effects.

I will.

… even though I am haltingly moving forward, and still can’t picture my future without him in it.

I will.

… even though this new life restructuring, and rebuilding on shattered dreams is the most difficult thing I have done in my entire life.

I will.

… even though a National shutdown and State lockdown has seriously undermined my healing process; and catapulted me right back to square 1 in Widowhood 101.

I will.

Because with his dying breaths, Bob told me he had faith in me.

So ...

I.W.i.l.l.