I Will …

Trying to avoid wandering down rabbit trails by keeping busy and keeping my mind occupied wasn’t such a good idea today.

Why?

Because my busy work unintentionally led my thoughts down rabbit trails – and a memory slide show was tripped.

I don’t even remember WHY I had opened that particular little top dresser drawer … that drawer was always Bob’s personal drawer for his personal things. I had cleared it of Bob’s socks and underwear, September 25^th, 2019 – but I keep other personal things of his in there: the pencil stub he had last used when he crafted my last 3 planter boxes that fateful day our life started unraveling; Bob's TV remote that belongs to the disconnected TV still in place in our bedroom; the two packages of Tums from the Tums trio – unopened, and will probably rot in the plastic sheath; the headphone set he used when he watched Youtube movies on his Laptop – the laptop I am now using. I will never use the things I have shut away in his personal drawer, and I don’t remember now why I was even in that drawer. But I was; and my eyes fell on my old cell phone. I forgot I had put it in there 16 months ago, when I disconnected it; and kept Bob’s phone for my primary contact phone. I kept Bob’s phone because it is the one last tangible thing his skin touch – when I use my husband’s phone, I feel connected to him in some small way. But as I looked at my old phone, laying so forlorn and useless in that small dark dresser drawer, all I could think was: ‘Bob will never call me on that phone again. I will never again hear it come alive with Bob’s special ring tone. I will never again flip it open and hear his sexy voice say, “I just called to say I love you.”’

No more ordinary days – all my days now are strange, and bewildering. No more air-blown kisses and lovers chuckles over private jokes said in secret code mode. No more sexy man calling to say sweet sexy things in my ear, that could thrill and fill my heart, like those three short words, “I love you” could do.

Looking at that reminder of happier/love affirming times, I realized I was looking at it with clear eyes. Tears weren’t blinding me.

I am healing.

I am surviving the hardest time in my life … even though it did take 12 months of my 16 widowhood months for me to believe it.

I will.

… even though it took 12 months for me to want to.

I will.

… even though I still have days (sometimes weeks) when my feet are washed out from under me by unexpected sneaker waves.

I will.

… even though I still have times when I find my psyche held in the surreal grip of, “I can’t believe that this is my life”.

I will.

… even though there have been many times throughout the passing months when my thoughts ran wildly down the path of “this new life sucks.”

I will.

… even though I’m no longer the same person I was with Bob “before”; and I miss my husband with a missingness that physically aches.

I will.

… even though my “before” heart is forever scarred with “after” effects.

I will.

… even though I am haltingly moving forward, and still can’t picture my future without him in it.

I will.

… even though this new life restructuring, and rebuilding on shattered dreams is the most difficult thing I have done in my entire life.

I will.

… even though a National shutdown and State lockdown has seriously undermined my healing process; and catapulted me right back to square 1 in Widowhood 101.

I will.

Because with his dying breaths, Bob told me he had faith in me.

So ...

I.W.i.l.l.