Wedding Song - God Knew That I Needed You

Thursday, November 14, 2019

MY HYDROPHONICS LETTUCE GARDEN


I started thinking about doing this a while ago, but with the house remodel the first year here, and Bob’s hospitalization/physical death last Fall/Winter … my indoor hydroponics lettuce garden was postponed until today.

My Hydroponics Lettuce Garden.

And I didn’t do it too big this time: if it ‘takes’ & flourishes, I’ll add more jars to the window sills (I have 6 more spacious sills I can utilize ;-)

Bob did good when he bought this house – he actually insisted on this particular house (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2017/06/new-home-d.html); I wasn’t so sure … it needed A LOT of work – floors torn out and replaced with wooden flooring to keep my environmental asthma manageable; a new roof with rebuilt customized skylights because the old ones were weather worn and starting hairline cracks – and the new kitchen flooring and cupboards had to be replaced when the ‘fridge ice maker sprung a leak. But, Bob insisted this was {the house} he wanted. So, we bought it, made it ours … and within a years’ time, the egomaniac next-door neighbor and little hitler Park Manager had killed my husband with their petty and ridiculous non-stop bitching.

18 months after moving here, I was a Widow. Over stupid shit that means nothing to anyone except ron cook & candy scott. Jealous and dictator S.T.U.P.I.D.S.H.I.T. with no basis is reality.

And after at least 3 attempts to sell & move, I have finally come to the realization that regardless of Bob’s killers still on the premises here, all avenues for selling and moving has been cut off: I am gong to suck it up, hunker down, and make a stand to build a life here. In the house my husband provided for me – as he told me to do in December 2018, before he lost the ability to talk. I will learn to see in color again; myself: family members are broken people – they can’t see in color any better than I can: there are no reliable shades of color to find among them and work into my life ... those tears in the fabric of family tapestry will have to be reworked by them in their own lives before I will ever again try to patch them into my life tapestry. I am done with nightmare scenarios in which I find myself constantly running around in circles like a chicken with its head cut off.

I am starting, in small ways, to build a solo life for myself that incorporates some of Bob’s memory in it; and honors the life we shared, without becoming a morose walking shrine to a life that has run its course. I think that is a healthy way to see it and move forward …

Cheryl & Pam are coming for a visit tomorrow afternoon; and my BIL Kerry, may also stop by to bring back my rain barrels and barrel stands. I will need those back, now that I am staying here
https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/10/courage.html.

I felt bad asking for them back … but, Kerry understands. Those barrels cost Bob his life: they are a tangible connection to the life my husband gave his life to provide me with here. It may not make sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to Kerry & I (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2018/12/that-woman.html & https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2018/12/goodbye-2018-welcome-2019.html).

I like to garden: Bob knew that, and provided me with outdoor gardening areas; and a home with roomy window sills, lots of big windows, and overhead skylights. This really IS the “perfect home” for me.

So, I set up my Hydroponics Lettuce Garden a few minutes ago :-D

Washed Yogurt cup I am utilizing for a ‘hydroponics holding cup’.
One of Bob's razor cutters ... it doesn’t bother me now to touch the things he touched. At first, when my grief was so new and raw, I couldn’t. But now, it gives me a sort of comfort.
Preparing the holding cup ...
I used my little screwdriver set to poke a hole in the bottom of the sliced-sides yogurt cup. I inverted the flimsy cup over a small bottle for stability and then poked it.
A smidgen of Miracle Grow in a quart of water to barely color the water; holding cup submerged ¼ - inch.
MOD Crochet Mason Jar Covers to keep algae at bay
A Jiffy Seed seeding pallet dropped into the improvised holding cup.
Wet soil loosened & Lettuce seed planted: Tom Thumb & Deer Tongue lettuces for starters.
A foil collar placed loosely around the seeding pellet. Hopefully the foil will help keep overhead light at a minimum to stave off algae.
Brightly covered hydroponic jars placed in window. Herbs in the forefront (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/10/herbs-sorrowing-slide-show.html).

I like fresh veggies that I grow myself. If this works, like it is supposed to work, I may do more jars with a varied seeding – I certainly have the room … and the time … for it ;-)

And now, I am going to tidy the house in preparation for the visits tomorrow; it will feel good to have talk and laughter in the house again :-D

FEVER


When I was in Middle School, we could go to the Library and listen to LP's with headphones when our class lessons were done early ... I got my work done lickety-split so I could rush to the Library and listen to Mark Lindsey ;-)
Fever, Kicks, and Stepping Stone was my favorite songs.
Though Bob was out of my reach, the thought of his face still fired my jets.
And I had a dream.
And, 7 years after seeing his face and knowing him only as "The Face", he came into my life and made my dream a reality.
That man gave me fever for 52 years.


  
  
  

The fire still burns ...

A MILLION YEARS ~ A MILLION NIGHTS


{All of the lonely nights; longing to hold you tight … waiting for you to come, bringing your love to me}
I did not wait a million years for Bob to come into my life, bringing all his love to me; but I did wait a loooong time. While my heart never let me forget ‘The Face’, I got on with life: I grew up. I dated and waited for a spark to catch flame … the sparks always faltered and eventually faded to dead coals. And I could never bring myself to say, ‘I love you’ to anyone, no matter how close a shave it was. I didn’t love them. I loved only ‘The Face’.
Only Bob.


Always only Bob.
And I will wait a million years if that is what it takes to bring him back into my life again. I don’t care if things will be different from what we have known when he walked here on Earth with me, and loved me like a man – I want to SEE him again. I want to HEAR him again. I want to TOUCH him again. Even if only in passing.
My leaking eyes are starved for “The Face”.

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

COOKATHON DAY


It’s time to reload the freezer with meals again – I think there is only 1 Spaghetti Supper in there at the moment. So, today, I got busy planning, cooking, and preparing to cook some more :-D

To successfully avoid doctors and medical facilities, I cook meals that will benefit my body, balance my body, and keep my body humming healthily. Food is not just nourishment to satisfy the hunger beast … food is nutrients (for body growth and maintenance), vitamins/minerals (for the body to develop & function normally), and energy (boost metabolism/fight fatigue). I try to live as organic & holistically as possible – I grow a garden, and I grow foods that will give me whole-body benefits. I cannot raise my own meat sources where I live here in town, so I travel to a Butcher Shop about an hour & a half away to purchase organic and fresh butchered meats every Spring. When I cook, I try to make sure I get all variety of meats include in my monthly menus: beef, pork, chicken (eggs counts as fowl ‘meat’), fish, and beans; I go easy on the pork because my body has trouble breaking some foods down … and pork is hard for anybody’s body to digest in general. To the meat meals, I usually add root veggies (potatoes, turnips, rutabagas, beets, ect.): but not all the time – as well as other veggies I like (like tomatoes, peas, asparagus, kale, mustards, ect.); & whole grains, here I have to be careful so as not to cause internal damage to my whacky body – such as rice, barley, corn, pastas, & breads. And fruits, though fruits are hard on my body: I don’t add a lot of fruits, but I do carefully add some. Bob and the kids liked fruits and their bodies could digest them properly, so I always made fruits dishes for them when they were around ;-) I don’t add everything listed all the time, or even all at once – this is just a general itinerary to highlight how I balance my meal menus.

I MISS COOKING FOR MY HUSBAND!

So, I am focusing, in my new solo widow life, on cooking foods that Bob didn’t particularly like – he always ate what I cooked, but there were some meals he just didn’t care for; and I never repeated them. Now, though, I can :-D

I keep 1 meal aside for the week ... and freeze the rest for future meals.

This is my rundown for today’s Cookathon: Homemade Bread (fiber) - German Lentil Soup (beef/pork sausage blend): there was A LOT! – Seafood Jambalaya (Fish) – Peppered Buttermilk Biscuits (just because ;-)) – Sugar-topped Molasses Cookies (what can I say? I like sweets) – Baked Chicken German Style (Chicken) – Baked Ziti Casserole (Beef). These meals should keep me for a while ;-)

16 ct. COOKATHON MEALS READY FOR THE FREEZER. 3 meals kept aside & in the 'fridge for this week's meals.

German foods are heavy foods, rich in hearty sauces – loaded with calories. I have shed 30 pounds since becoming a widow: 20 pounds of that loss in the 2 hospitals in 2 states over 3-1/2 months span of time. I hope I do not gain all that back over the Winter … I will have to be very judicious in balancing my daily meals and calorie intake: something tells me I will be doing a high-wire act in that regard ;-)

Enjoy the recipes posted below :-D

**********

==GERMAN LENTIL SOUP Recipe

I was thinking about my sister Iris today, so I made a batch of German Lentil Soup to carry me through the Fall-Winter months. This recipe makes a LOT of soup; and I am only 1 now.

This recipe comes out of my Bon Appetit/November 1985 cooking magazine. I made it in my large oval crockpot (just dumped everything in the po on High heat; bring to a boil – reduce heat to Low & cook for about 6 hours), but I am posting the original recipe as printed for those purist cooks who prefer to spend all day on their feet in the kitchen …

This soup is a hearty, rich soup – perfect for Fall & Winter Menus ;-)

I also baked bread this morning (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2018/06/white-bread-basic-master-recipe-makes-2.html), and a thick slice of warm bread will round the meal out later on ;-)

German Lentil Soup with Homemade White Bread

GERMAN LENTIL SOUP Recipe ~ 6 to 8 servings

½ cup (1 stick) Butter * ¾ cup all-purpose Flour * 12 cups Beef Stock * 8 ounces dried Lentils * 5 celery stalks, diced * 3 carrots, diced * 1 large Onion, diced * 1 small Tomato, diced * ½ pound Knockwurst, diced * 3 Tablespoons dry Red Wine * ¼ teaspoon freshly ground White Pepper * 2 pounds boiling Potatoes, peeled & diced * ¼ cup Red Wine Vinegar

Melt butter in a heavy saucepan over low heat. Whisk in flour and stir mixture for 3 minutes; set roux aside.

Bring stock to a boil in heavy large saucepan. Add lentils and boil until tender, 1-1/2 hours.

Add celery, carrots, and onion to lentils and boil until tender – about 15 minutes. Add tomato. Reduce heat to Low; whisk in roux. Add diced knockwurst, red wine & white pepper: cook 30 minutes.

Increase heat to High; add potatoes to soup and boil until tender, stirring frequently. Stir in vinegar. Serve immediately.

**WHAT I DID WITH MY SOUP:

Soup portioned out for individual servings.
Packaged Soup ready for freezer.

**********

==SEAFOOD JAMBALAYA Recipe


I like quick and easy meals (I like to eat well, but I am basically a lazy cook ;-)); this recipe also come from my Bon Appetit/November 1985 cooking magazine.

I made this recipe on the stovetop because it is so simple and quick.

SEAFOOD JAMBALAYA Recipe ~4 to 6 servings

2 Tablespoons (1/4 stick) Butter * 2 large Yellow Onions, chopped * 2 garlic cloves, chopped * 2 ct. 28-ounce cans Italian Plum Tomatoes, drained (1/2 cup liquid reserved) * 2-1/2 cups Chicken Broth * 1 medium Green Bell Pepper, seeded & chopped * ½ teaspoon dried Thyme, crumbled * ½ teaspoon dried Red Pepper Flakes, crushed * 1 Bay Leaf * Salt & Pepper to taste * 2 cups uncooked Rice * 1 pound large Shrimp, peeled & deveined * 1 pound Sea Scallops

Ingredients: Shrimp, Scallops (I used the small Bay Scallops), Green Pepper, & Rice (I used Brown Basmati Rice)
Drained Tomatoes
Reserved tomato juice, Spices, & Chicken Stock (I used homemade stock)

Melt butter in Dutch Oven over low heart. Add onions & garlic and stir until translucent – about 3 minutes. Add tomatoes with reserved liquid, broth, bell pepper, thyme, pepper flakes, bay leaf, and salt & pepper:


Bring to a boil; stir in rice. Cover and simmer until liquid is absorbed – about 30 minutes.

Stir rice into liquid; cover and cook.
While rice is simmering, pull the tail shell off the prawns …

Add shrimp and scallops to rice mixture. Continue cooking until seafood is opaque – about 2 minutes. Discard bay leaf; taste and adjust seasonings. Serve immediately.

**WHAT I DID WITH MY JAMBALAYA:

Seafood Jambalaya portioned out for individual servings; and headed for the freezer.
Seafood Jambalaya with biscuits & cookie (recipes follow). Ready for freezer.

**********

==PEPPERED BUTTERMILK BISCUITS w-HONEY Recipe


This recipe sounds interesting – Bob & our granddaughter Alyna, always teased me about my freehanded use of ground pepper … though I never did make this particular recipe before today ;-)

Pepper is good in the Fall & Winter months. Plus – I just LIKE to season my meals with black pepper. The spice, Black Pepper is chockful of antibacterial & anti-inflammatory assets; which help our bodies keep infections at bay, and also helps provide relief from infection discomfort. Black Pepper is also enriched with Vitamin C – which naturally boosts the immune system and works as an excellent antibiotic. Black pepper is also known to alleviate chest congestion and clear stuffy noses. Black Pepper mixed with honey is also a natural cough suppressant. Being as how I steer clear of doctors and pharmaceuticals; I can get down with that! The best way to maximize the benefits of Black Pepper is to crush the peppercorns – which this recipe calls for ;-)

This spicy biscuit recipe comes from my Bon Appetit/November 1993 cooking magazine.

Enjoy!

PEPPERED BUTTERMILK BISCUITS w-HONEY ~ Makes about 28

3-3/4 cups unbleached all-purpose Flour * 2 Tablespoons Baking Powder * 2 teaspoons ground Black Pepper * 1-1/4 teaspoon Sea Salt * 6 Tablespoons (3/4 stick) chilled unsalted Butter, cut into pieces * 1/3 cup chilled solid Crisco shortening, cut into pieces * 1-1/2 cups chilled Buttermilk * Honey & unsalted Butter

Preheat oven to 450-degrees. Mix first 4 ingredients in a large bowl. Add 6 Tablespoons butter, & shortening … and rub with fingertips until coarse crumbs form. Mix in buttermilk. Turn our dough onto a floured surface; knead gently until combined – about 20 seconds. Roll out dough to thickness of ½-inch; cut out biscuits using a 2-inch cookie cutter: Gather scraps, reroll and cut out more biscuits. Place biscuits on ungreased baking sheets – spacing evenly. Bake until golden – about 15 minutes. Serve warm with butter & honey.


**I ate one … THEY ARE DELISH!

**********

==SUGAR-TOPPED MOLASSES SPICE COOKIES Recipe

When Fall rolls around, I like to cook and enjoy comfort foods that scream, “Fall is here!”

Nothing says Fall like a spicy molasses cookie!

This recipe comes from my Bon Appetit/November 2006 cooking magazine.

This recipe is based on the traditional molasses cookie … but it packs heated punch with the addition of Black Pepper. The cookies look innocent UNTIL you bite into one ;-) With just a pinch of pepper, you get just a hint of heat; use a bigger bit of pepper, and you will definitely feel the heat.

These cookies are very large when they bake, so space them on the baking sheets accordingly.

SUGAR-TOPPED MOLASSES SPICE COOKIES ~Makes 24

3-1/3 cups all-purpose Flour * 2 teaspoons Baking Soda * ½ teaspoon Sea Salt * 2 teaspoons ground Ginger * ½ teaspoon ground Cinnamon * ½ teaspoon ground Allspice * A pinch (small or not so small) of cracked ground Black Pepper * 1-1/2 sticks (12 Tablespoons) unsalted Butter; at room temperature * 1 cup (packed) light Brown Sugar * ½ cup Molasses  (not blackstrap) * 1 large Egg * About ½ cup granulated Sugar, for rolling

Whisk together the flour, baking soda, salt, ginger, cinnamon, allspice, and pepper.

With a hand mixer, in a large bowl, beat the butter on medium speed until it is smooth and creamy. Add the brown sugar and molasses and beat for 2 minutes or until blended – scraping down the sides of the bowl as necessary. Add the egg and beat for 1 minute more. Reduce the mixer speed to low and add the dry ingredients, mixing until the flour remains and spices disappear. If some of the flour remains in the bottom of the bowl, avoid overbeating the dough … and mix in the last of the dry ingredients by hand with a rubber spatula. You will have a smooth, very soft dough.

Divide the dough in half & wrap each half in plastic wrap; freeze for 30 minutes – or chill in fridge for at least an hour. **DO AHEAD NOTE: The dough can even, at the point of plastic wrapping, be held in the ‘fridge for up to 4 days before using.

Center a rack in the oven and preheat the oven to 350-degrees. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper; or a silicone mat.

Put the sugar in a small bowl; working with one packet of dough at a time, break off 12 pieces and smooth ball between the palms of your hands. One by one, roll each ball around in the bowl of sugar and use the bottom of the small bowl to press down on the coated cookies on a baking sheet until the cookies are between ¼ & ½ -inch thick:


Bake for 12 to 14 minutes, or until the tops of the cookies feel set to the touch. Remove the baking sheet from the oven and, if the cookies have spread and are touching, use the edge of a metal spatula to separate them while they are ht. Transfer the cookies to a rack to cool at room temperature.

Repeat with the second batch of dough.

These cookies will keep 1 week in a cookie jar; and can wrapped airtight individually and frozen for up to 2 months.

**********

==BAKED CHICKEN GERMAN STYLE Recipe


Thinking about the scheduled Senior daytrip to Leavenworth in December has kinda led me towards German fare in my menus this Cookathon ;-)

I don’t remember where I snipped this baked chicken casserole recipe … or even the source I snipped it from … but I found it while thumbing through one of my many recipe boxes, and it intrigued me; so, I made it :-D

BAKED CHICKEN GERMAN STYLE ~ 4 servings

¼ cup (1/2 stick) Butter * 5 Tablespoons all-purpose Flour * 1-1/4 cups Chicken Broth * 2/3 cup Milk * ½ teaspoon fresh Lemon juice * Salt & Pepper to taste * ground Nutmeg * 1 pound Egg Noodles (2 cups DRY NOODLES), freshly cooked * 1 4-pound chicken, poached & cut into 8 pieces & skinned * 2/3 cup freshly grated Parmesan Cheese mixed with 1 teaspoon of Paprika

Baked Chicken German Style - Ingredients

Melt butter in a heavy medium saucepan over medium-low heat. Whisk in flour and stir 3 minutes. Gradually whisk in 1 cup broth and milk. Increase heat and bring to a boil; reduce heat and simmer until thick – about 10 minutes. Blend in lemon juice. Season sauce with salt, pepper, and nutmeg.


Preheat oven to 350-degrees. Moisten the bottoms of 4 individual casseroles with remaining ¼ cup chicken broth. Layer each casserole with noodles, 2 pieces of chicken. And sauce. Top with cheese mixture:

Portioned out for individual servings and ready to bake.

Bake until bubbling and golden brown – about 30 minutes. Serve hot.

Chicken, Biscuits & Cookie being wrapped for the freezer ...

**********

==BAKED ZITI Recipe


I prefer making casserole dishes; I am a lazy cook who enjoys tasty foods, but I don’t like the long kitchen details or the piles of dishes that need to be cleaned up after making piece-by-piece meals. This easy casserole is my favorite ziti recipe, and I have been hungering for it – even Bob liked this dish.

Again, I am not sure when I clipped it, or what magazine I clipped it from … but I have been making it for at least 3 decades :-D

I am trying a new type of noodle this time – the elbow macaroni I am using is a kosher type made from white rice:

Kosher Rice Noodles

I saw it earlier this year, so I brought it home and we’ll see how it makes up today ;-)

BAKED ZITI ~Makes 4 servings

½ pound Ground Beef * ½ teaspoon minced, peeled Garlic * ¼ cup diced, peeled Onion * 1 cup Tomato Sauce * 1 Tablespoon Tomato Paste * ¼ teaspoon dried Basil leaves * ¼ teaspoon Oregano leaves * 1/8 teaspoon ground Black Pepper * 4 ounces (2 cups) Ziti or large macaroni, cooked according to directions & drained * ½ cup (2 ounces) part-skim Mozzarella Cheese

In a 2-to-3-quart saucepan cook meat, garlic, & onion over moderately low heat; breaking down meat into small pieces with a spoon. When meat is no longer pink, transfer to a fine mesh strainer to drain, pressing mixture against the mesh to extract as much fat as possible. Return meat mixture to pan; stir in tomato sauce, tomato paste, herbs & pepper. Bring to a boil, reduce heat to low and simmer 5 to 10 minutes, until slightly thickened. Stir in ziti; transfer to a 1-1/2 quart oblong baking dish & sprinkle with cheese. Place in 350-degree oven & bake 20 to 30 minutes, until hot.

**WHAT I DID WITH MY BAKED ZITI:

Portioned out in individual servings - small loaf pan.
Wrapped in plastic with a cookie. Notation to make a piece of garlic bread ...
Placed in a Gallon sized plastic baggie for the freezer.

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

MILESTONES ENDURANCE TEST


To date – as of right now – I have lived 334 days without Bob’s physical presence in my life.

10 months; 8,008 hours & 29 minutes.

I am living the best I know how.

Solo.

And dying a little each minute of every day.

There are days Bob’s physical death still seems so surreal. Those are the days I manage to get through the day – but have no fricking idea how-what-where-when-or why. As I crawl into bed, I ask myself where the day went so quickly; and what I did with it.

Other days, when the amputated part of my bleeding heart starts throbbing and forcing me to feel the full force of his absence in my new life … the “knowing” literally sucks the air our of my lungs, leaving me gasping for breath and shaking like a leaf in one of Fall’s windy furies: alone & desperately hanging on.

And some days I actually hear myself enjoying parts of my life: I am conversing with friends, and I am even laughing. And I know Bob can see me and hear me. Bob is still alive – just not in the flesh. Bob is more alive now then he has ever been.

BUT MAN! I.M.I.S.S.M.Y.M.A.N.

This morning I woke up crying.

My new life was missing Bob.

Even in my sleep.


I woke up remembering his hands – and how they felt on me. I remember how they held a hamburger before his teeth bit into it. I remember how his hands held the steering wheel … and how his large hand would reach for my hand over the car console & curve tenderly around my small hand; almost covering my hand completely. And sometimes how he would tickle the palm of my hand with his long fingers while smiling his sexy smile and wiggling his eyebrows playfully at me while I laughed.

I know Bob’s hands and his hands' actions ... his touch by heart.

My heart remembered what it felt like to have his arms around me; to have my life wrapped up in his love.

I woke up crying.

My life misses my husband.

Bob was a tall man: 6’2” … I had to stand on my toes to kiss his check – and sometimes, in a playful mood, he would sweep me off my feet and swing me around in a circle while I squealed like a little girl before he set my feet back on the ground. My ears ring with the memory of how we both laughed at our silliness.

 

He had to bend over and lean his arms on the kitchen island to look into my eyes. Bob does not have to be here in the flesh for me to remember what it was like to stand next to my gentle giant.

I can feel Bob’s energy all around me, even though he casts no shadow any longer.

This afternoon, I drove into town to pick up a couple cases of bottled water, and become a bona fide member of the Senior Center.

At Winco, I loaded 6 cases of water into the back end of the Highlander … and then I drove a few feet further down the road to pick up my Membership Card. And I cried passing under the overhead traffic light, on my way to the Senior Center.


My new life was missing Bob.

While I was standing at the counter, paying for my card, an old friend of ours spotted me, and I heard, “Hey! Val!” I turned around, and there was Denise, smiling and coming towards me. She is a widow too. 2 years older than me. We chatted, exchanged phone numbers, and promised to get together – I like Denise, and though she and Bruce were more Bob’s friends than mine (Bruce and Bob were friends all through High School & their first marriages, and Bruce’s dating of Denise before Bob & I became a couple), I think she and I can become close friends – we have an air-tight bond already called Widowhood. We can talk about our husbands and share our lives and memories with each other (things we can’t share with our children); we will not be dwelling in/getting lost in the twilight zone.

Membership Card effective from today through 2020

When I settled back in the car, I thought about the step I had just taken: to make a decisive decision to become part of something by myself – this decision was not a joint decision made with my husband. I did this solo. Aside from Denise, which I knew a little bit before, any friends I gain here, at the Senior center will be made entirely on my own … except for Denise, they will all be strangers to me. None of them – besides Denise – knew Bob. That is a bittersweet thought. Bob was a great guy to know.

Everyone felt this way about Bob, not just his High School pals. Bob was liked by everyone who ever had the pleasure of meeting him.

I sure miss Bob.


And somehow, I have survived this Widowhood Journey, just like Bob knew I would this time last year. Bob is still the wind beneath my wings – and his love will help me soar above the debilitating sorrow when it strikes out of the blue. For no apparent reason other than my new life is missing Bob in it.

I am learning to roll with the rebirthing metamorphosis that is taking place. It is an ongoing process: my old life came undone at 8:05 a.m. last December 14th, 2018 … and I have been running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to find lingering remnants of Bob in the lives of family members for the better part of this year: but he is not there; their lives do not hold any remnants of him in them. Only MY memories and MY love honor him and keep my husband’s memory alive. So, this month – a full year from when Bob told me I would learn to live again, “… because we both know Val, that whatever you set your mind to do, is as good as done …”, I have arrived here – in this moment of decisive decision.

Exhausted.

And somewhat tousled.

But here. In the present. Establishing roots and catapulting my new life forward.


Solo.

Decisively.

And the kids are partly responsible for that decisive decision to send my tap root down deeply in establishing a new life, here. Locally.

I have decided ... once and for all ... to stay put & build a new life here. Locally – in the home Bob bought & made for me. Permanently.

The road Elohim has laid before me has not been a smooth one. It has been filled with blind spots and poor GPS readings. I have been blinded, sideswiped, near T-boned, and steered by cruel emotional high-jackers down rough-rutted-holey goat trails where I was abandoned and left to find my way back home: completely alone for the first time in my entire life. But I made it through safely.

Because Elohim was faithful.

And Bob’s love surrounds me.

I also received news this evening that another old friend’s brother had passed earlier today. It was expected news, but still hard to hear. My thoughts go out to David and his family members. Bob worked with David’s Dad, as well as with David when he was a logger. I have known David & his family for 53 years – ever since my family moved here in 1966 from Minnesota. David was a grade above me in school - Debbie was in my class. She was my sister ramona's best friend all through childhood and early adulthood. David's first wife, Marla & I, were friends for 30 years - until cancer finally claimed her: our children grew up together. I didn’t know Dwaine as well as I knew David and Debbie, because Dwaine was older, but what I remember about Dwaine was that he was always smiling.

Death is always lurking.


And somehow – some way – we survive it’s toll on our lives.

I don’t know about anyone else dealing with the toll death extracts from us, but I am tired. Living without Bob these past 10 months feels like an endurance test I wasn’t sure I could endure as the stresses piled on/up – I could actually feel my heart race and then stop … to sputter to life again. It still limps along, trying mightily to fully ignite. I am sure there were times my blood pressure spiked as I was forced through obstacle courses designed to test my physical, emotional and spiritual limits. Though it was never really diagnosed by a physician, I KNOW my breath stopped several times … and I still experience breathlessness: separate from the environmental asthma issue.

My old life desperately missed Bob, and went through a Period of Adjustment that lasted – well, frankly, it is STILL going through a period of adjustment.

My new life misses Bob in it.

Neither life gave me a chance to train for this endurance test; it caught us both off guard. As far as we knew, no one was supposed to die yet; certainly not Bob when I took him to ER August 29th, 2018.

I was unprepared for the endurance test I was expected to engage in.

I am still unprepared.

Even now, at this very moment, my amputated heart is trying to process what has happened, and my sputtering brain is trying to drag me back to the Land of The Living.


This has been going on for 47-1/2 weeks.

I am passing {1st’s} milestones with each passing week.

And each month I become stronger.

I am healing.

And I am no longer going around obstacles that keep me hamstrung … I am leaning into them & blowing through them … on my way towards the goalpost touchdown.


I intend to win this endurance test.

Solo.

Decisively.

Perhaps not with flying colors, but certainly with an Award.

Even if I have to design it and give it to myself.

Bob would be proud of me … I can almost hear him laughing with my small successes and applauding my small halting steps forward ;-)

Bob, 2016

I love you, Babe.

Always.

OX