ANTICIPATING 2021 BLESSINGS

Yesterday I decided I need to up the game called ‘My New Life’; today I needed to think on some things – so, I went for a short hike on the dike.

But first, I had to drive into town to restock 2 of my vitamins that are running low. I ended up coming home with more than those two things, because once I got into town … I started thinking about New Year’s Eve creeping up on me … so I grabbed some ruffled chips and clam dip; and some chicken biscuit crackers with canned cheese: we always had that in the house for New Year’s Eve (in 44 years, we only went out once to join in the New Year’s celebrations; Bob preferred to avoid drunk drivers careening haphazardly down the highway, so we stayed home). 

The 1^st New Year without Bob was a teary blur – it passed without a notice.

The 2^nd New Year without Bob was drier … but, it also passed without notice.

This year, I am a little more engaged with what is happening around me, and I intend to munch chips and dip – and crunch crackers and cheese without any calorie guilt at all 😉

Valentine Candy on display already! December hasn't even ended.

Firework stands opening up all over town. The Park has been alive every night since Christmas, with booms and bangs

Loaded up on the good stuff for my body, and the comfort foods that make my body feel good, I aimed the car towards 48^th Street – where serenity lies.

Walked the Pacific Way Trail today. Lower end. Mallard ducks. And 2 or 3 Manky Mallards.

A Manky Mallard duck is actually a hybrid domesticated mallard duck.

Black headed-blue billed Greater Scaup's & White-headed Bufflehead ducks.

Bufflehead duck among the gray-bodied wild Mallards & Mallard hybrid ducks, that have been cross-bred.

Regular Mallard duck with a Bufflehead & a Mallard cross-bred duck.

MOD Mitts & the walking stick Bob found for me at a Bazaar 8 years ago. Bob also drilled a hole and threaded a nylon rope through for me.

Beautiful day to be walking. 37-degrees; but not cold.

Walking always loosens my body, restores calmness, and refreshes my spirit. At the moment I am only doing 1/3 of the trail hike, but it is enough to get some thinking time in 😉

I don’t get dolled-up to go walking: I’m not a fancy woman.

2021 is arriving quickly, and I've decided to be ready for whatever comes with it, for my life.

I want some happiness - I am determined 2021 will be a better year for me.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4QzUkcwD4k)

I will be moving into 2021 pretty much a free agent; all the way around. Just me, myself, & I.

I have to live the life Elohim gave me ... for me, now. There is no one else in my life anymore.

There are blessings in my new life too ... and I want them. I want to be happy again.

I am no longer at loose ends.

I have made peace with how things are, in my life.

I am at a place where I can seriously consider what life has in store for me, going forward.

And, I swear I could see Bob smiling.

I could hear the echo of his encouragement he said to me, in November of 2018; when he knew I would have to go on without him … and I was not sure I could. He said, “Honey, we both know that you will kick things around a bit, but once you make up your mind – it’s as good as done.”

It’s taken me 24 months of kicking things around in my head (and being kicked to the curb by in-laws, children/grandchildren, coupled friends, and every shyster out there trying to make a buck on my husband’s death) to get to the point of making the firm decision I reached the other day; and cemented this afternoon.

2021 will be full-steam ahead.

Elohim has been waiting for me to reach this point, so He can bless me abundantly.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3gdvc92EYY)

And both my Husbands (Yeshua, and Bob) will be so proud of me – cheering me on, and encouraging me every step of the way through 2021.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBuIBaDSOa4)

I am ready.

I will cross that line into my New Life 2021, at Midnight, December 31st, 2020.

MEMORIES AND REAL TIME LIFE

The FB “Memories” pop-ups can still catch me off-guard, but they don’t make me cry anymore.

I am healing.

And it is good to know that I am healing and growing instead of stagnating, or becoming emotionally crippled by grief.

The FB Memory today had been shared so much these past 24 months, that I didn’t share it again, today.

But, I did indulge in a bit of dreaming before I got on with the living of today – in the moment, as I promised Bob I would do.

My dreaming always takes me back to the first time I fell in love: and stayed in love.

I am still in love: even 2 years, 13 days, 12 hours and 3 minutes of knowing that love will never be returned.

I can’t help it.

I love my husband, Bob.

I have always loved Bob.

I will always love Bob.

I saw his face, and knew he was ‘The ONE’ for me: I waited with baited breath for him to walk past me, every school day; for a whole school year in 1967.

1967 – Bob; Naselle, WA & Bob in the house he lived in as a teen … the house I came to as a new bride. We lived there for 18 years before selling and moving.

1967 – Bob’s Yearbook picture.

I never knew his Name.

He never even knew I was alive.

He got married in 1968.

I never saw him in the flesh again.

But, I never forgot “The Face”.

For 7 years I dreamed of that face.

I did date; and I had a few steady fella’s … but I never said ‘I love you’ to anyone: I couldn’t. The Face had captured my heart, and it was not free to give anyone else.

The Everly Brothers - Oh So Many Years

I dreamed and played this record until the vinyl was worn and scratchy.

Everly Brothers-All I Have To Do Is Dream (Live) HQ

I knew Bob was off-limits … and that was easy to maintain because I hadn’t seen his face since 1967: and I didn’t know his Name. I knew absolutely nothing about his life.

All I knew was that he was tall and handsome – and he stole my heart without even being aware he had it.

It really was pathetic to be so helplessly and hopelessly in love with someone who didn’t even know I existed – let alone was pining for him!

Then, suddenly, one unexpected Spring night in 1974 … HE appeared; he was standing right in front of me, and we were talking.

He was 24.

I was 17.

Phil Everly RIP "I Just Know"

“The Face” had a Name.

And he was a free man!

The Everly Brothers "Til I Kissed You"

You Thrill Me (Through and Through) (Remastered Version)

My dream became a reality; we started dating exclusively and his Name also became my Name in the late Summer of 1974 😊.

Bob’s 1967 Senior Yearbook picture: “The Face”; & our 1974 Wedding Night picture.

The Everly Bros. Let It Be Me.wmv

A reality that lasted 44 years: I always teased him that if he had just waited for me to grow up, he’d never had been a divorced man 😉

"Devoted to You" The Everly Brothers

Thank YOU, Lord, for answering my prayers.

Bob was a good man.

Bob gave me love.

Phil Everly: The Air That I Breathe

For 44 years, Bob gave me a good life.

And when he graduated to Heaven the Winter of 2018, it didn’t kill me; it disoriented me for sure, but Bob had died twice previously (1978 & 1981); so, for 38 years we both always knew the Grim Reaper may come to collect for good. From September 1981 to December 14^th, 2018, we lived each day as if it were our last day together.

From December 2018 forward, I have learned to live without the love of my life actively IN my life.

The past 24 months have been challenging – but I made it through the fog. Bob loved me good; his love was a beacon that led me through the foggy days, towards the brighter days that are unfurling in my new life.

A new life I don’t want.

A new life that Bob encouraged me to live fully.

I am learning as I move forward: 1 day at a time; 1 step at time.

I slowly started re-engaging in life in 2019; more actively and purposefully, in 2020.

I intend to engage more fully in 2021.

I know I will be honoring my husband’s last request of me.

But memories of Bob will always be part of my new life – the past and the present dovetail: both represent who I am.

I cannot be ME without both lives.

2015 – On our Castle Rock River Hike, Bob was teasing me because I refused to cross that board. Bob had broken his thigh bone and shattered his knee in 1978; it never healed straight, but Bob never let it handicap him in life. I will learn the life lessons Bob exampled.

But I am wise enough to understand that Bob is a memory now; I’ve had 24 months to come to terms with that hard reality. Memories have a place in our lives: but memories are not the sole substance of our lives.

I had a life before Bob – I have a life after Bob.

I have to live my unfurling life, now, in the moment. Bob doesn’t exist on earth anymore: he won’t suddenly appear again – that time in our life is finished.

And now, like before our lives were forged together in 1974: whenever I want him, all I have to do is dream ... and remember the wonderful life I shared with him, when he was a flesh and blood man.

But live in the present, with my eyes wide open; and ready to SEE what Elohim has for me in the present life, in this present time.

Bob is no longer available to me.

Though my dreams are based on real events, that happened in my real life … that life is no more.

And those dreams are no longer a real reality in my real time as my new life unfurls, and waits for me to start living it.

NEW CHANCES

I’m restless.

I was born with itchy feet; they gotta be moving …

… standing still makes me twitchy.

I start feeling hemmed in; picketed. 

I get restless.

I’ve been pretty much tethered to the house since August, and that isolation has given me quite a lot of time to think.

Reassess my situation. 

Consider readjustments.

Realign my life’s then, now, and what’s next concepts.

I’ve been at a stand-still for months – it started with the demonrat sanctioned blm anarchist fires that rampaged across the entire PNW … and set-in with the recent sciatic/arthritis setback: the pain has backed off significantly, and I am able to get through the day now with 2 Ibuprofen in the mornings 😊

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LW_s6ooJ6jg)

I am also able to sit at the table for a couple hours … I am doing this in preparation for the planned Spring road trips, which will be a couple hours in length ‘round trip. So far, I am managing to sit at the table for 3 hours, listening to the radio, and playing solitaire: about the length of a short Sunday~Funday Daytrip 😉

While I was listening to the radio DJ, and dreaming of the upcoming 2021 Sunuday~Funday’s, I devised a new solitaire layout – in the form of the Star of David shape.

MOD Solitaire foundation: Top down: 1 face up; Row 2: 2 ct. = 1 face down, 1 up x 2; Row 3: 3 ct. = 2 face down, 1 up x 2; Row 4: 2 ct. = 1 face down, 1 up x 2; Row 5: 1 face up. The rank and play of the cards is the same as a regular game of solitaire.

And rejoicing in Elohim’s blessing to grace me with a traveling companion, when Spring rolls around!

So, I am really looking forward to March 2021 – the roads should be free of ice, and landslide debris by then; that is the {scheduled timeline goal}, anyway … and the weather should be more friendly to travel-minded folks, like me.