The FB “Memories” pop-ups can still catch me off-guard, but they don’t make me cry anymore.
And it is good to know that I am healing and growing
instead of stagnating, or becoming emotionally crippled by grief.
The
FB Memory today had been shared so much these past 24 months, that I didn’t share
it again, today.
But, I did indulge in a bit of dreaming before I
got on with the living of today – in the moment, as I promised Bob I would do.
My dreaming always takes me back to the first time
I fell in love: and stayed in love.
I am still in love: even 2 years, 13 days, 12
hours and 3 minutes of knowing that love will never be returned.
1967 – Bob’s Yearbook picture.
I did date; and I had a few steady fella’s … but I never said ‘I love you’ to anyone: I couldn’t. The Face had captured my heart, and it was not free to give anyone else.
I dreamed and played this record until the vinyl was worn and scratchy.
Everly Brothers-All I Have To Do Is Dream (Live) HQ
I knew Bob was off-limits … and that was easy to maintain because I hadn’t seen his face since 1967: and I didn’t know his Name. I knew absolutely nothing about his life.
All I knew was that he was tall and handsome – and he stole my heart without even being aware he had it.
It really was pathetic to be so helplessly and
hopelessly in love with someone who didn’t even know I existed – let alone was
pining for him!
Then, suddenly, one unexpected Spring night
in 1974 … HE appeared; he was
standing right in front of me, and we were talking.
You Thrill Me (Through and Through)
(Remastered Version)
My dream became a reality; we started dating exclusively and his Name also became my Name in the
late Summer of 1974 😊.
A reality that lasted 44 years: I always teased him that if he had just waited for me to grow up, he’d never had been a divorced man 😉
And when he graduated to Heaven the Winter of 2018, it didn’t kill me; it disoriented me for sure, but Bob had died twice previously (1978 & 1981); so, for 38 years we both always knew the Grim Reaper may come to collect for good. From September 1981 to December 14th, 2018, we lived each day as if it were our last day together.
From December 2018 forward, I have learned to live without the love of my life actively IN my life.
The past 24 months have been challenging – but I made it through the fog. Bob loved me good; his love was a beacon that led me through the foggy days, towards the brighter days that are unfurling in my new life.
A new life that Bob encouraged me to live fully.
I am learning as I move forward: 1 day at a time; 1 step at time.
I slowly started re-engaging in life in 2019; more actively and purposefully, in 2020.
I know I will be honoring my husband’s last request of me.
But memories of Bob will always be part of my new life – the past and the present dovetail: both represent who I am.
But I am wise enough
to understand that Bob is a memory now; I’ve had 24 months to come to terms
with that hard reality. Memories have a place in our lives: but memories are
not the sole substance of our lives.
I have to live my unfurling life, now, in the moment. Bob doesn’t exist on earth anymore: he won’t suddenly appear again – that time in our life is finished.
And now, like before
our lives were forged together in 1974: whenever I want him, all I have to do
is dream ... and remember the wonderful life I shared with him, when he was a
flesh and blood man.
But live in the present, with my eyes
wide open; and ready to SEE what Elohim has for me in the present life,
in this present time.
Though my dreams are based on real events, that happened in my real life … that life is no more.
And those dreams are no longer a real reality
in my real time as my new life unfurls, and waits for me to start
living it.
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