CATCH A RAINBOW

So far 2020 has not been fun.

It’s been frustrating.

It’s been physically challenging – myself with a shingles outbreak, surgeries for friends, and weather-induced “heaviness” assaults on everyone’s emotions.

September 9^th, 2019. Eden Valley.

Covered Bridge loop road flooded. December 20, 2019

Covered Bridge loop road lat time I was there; November 20th, 2019

Flooding entering Graysriver. January 23rd, 2020

Slide on KM hill - January 25th, 2020

Slide view – my side of the slide - January 25th, 2019

Cleanup progress on KM slide - February 7th, 2020

Cleanup progress on KM slide - February 7th, 2020

Cleanup progess on KM slide - my side of the mess. February 7th, 2020

KM slide cleanup - February 7th, 2020

Flooded Altoona-Pillar Rock Road - February 7, 2020; road that leads to Eden Valley. Looks like the Rosburg Hall got overrun with flood waters.

Flooding Altoona-Pillar Roack Road - February 7, 2020; seen from Eden Valley side.

The continual deluge of rainfall, and the fear of coronavirus has kept everyone indoors.

News sources tell me that ALL of the PNW is under a "severe flood" warning.

Which means I am literally stuck at home, with nowhere to go.

I feel like a caged animal.

The crying jags have amped up.

It’s been kinda depressing lately.

But, seeing this rainbow spiking the gray cloud cover outside my LV windows, early this morning; had my heart hoping for a turn in the weather and an upswing in moods … as my thoughts ran to catch a rainbow ;-)

Rainbow showing at 7:51 AM.; gone by 8:02 AM.

I COULD USE ONE OF YOUR HUGS ABOUT NOW

I’m tired.

I’m tired of being a widow.

I’m tired of waking up alone.

I’m tired of aimlessly walking grocery aisles where nothing is packaged for 1.

I’m tired of taking the car to the mechanic when it needs a tune up, or a check-up.

I’m tired of telling people I’m a widow.

I’m tired of that look I get when people hear I am a widow.

I’m tired of sympathetic eyes and touches meant to sooth … but really mean, ‘I’m glad it’s not me.’

I’m tired of people trying to-, and saying they understand what I’m ‘going through’ – when they don’t and they can’t.

I’m tired of being told I will be a better, stronger person because of your physical death.

I was a better, stronger person when you walked alongside me.

I’m tired of not knowing what will trigger the next crying jag.

I’m tired of not knowing where those crying jags will happen.

I’m tired of my emotions gaining the upper-hand.

I’m tired of going places alone.

I’m tired of being prodded to explain why I have no familial connections.

I’m tired of being shamed for no longer wanting to be responsible for the kids’ happiness/comfort when they don’t give a flying fuck about my happiness or comfort.

I’m tired of the kids asking me to do that one thing that seems so simple to them (that they can do themselves) … without realizing that it will break me.

I’m tired of the irritated sounds of our children’s voices when I need to talk.

I’m tired of our children who can’t take ONE damned step out of their comfort zone to make time for their mother/grandmother … who always made time to have time for them.

I’m tired of hearing them say how important family is; but backing it up with NO action, whatsoever.

I’m tired of not having someone to tag team with.

I’m tired of the longing to have you back.

I’m tired of the powerlessness that seems to have settled in with your absence.

I’m tired of over-reacting to situations when circumstances overwhelm me.

I’m tired of being adrift.

I’m tired of being sick by myself.

I’m tired of going to the doctor; and picking up my prescribed inhaler by myself.

I’m tired of getting my eyes checked, and picking out new glasses by myself.

I’m tired of going through; and getting home after oral surgery, by myself.

I’m tired of paying bills & balancing the checkbook alone, managing the house, making major purchases, wrangling with contracts … and considering entering new ones; without discussing them with you.

I’m tired of unmeant, social “call me!’s”, by people who hope like hell you don’t call them.

I’m tired of the overenthusiastic “You look great!” … as if I should be wearing sackcloth and ashes 24/7/365.

I’m tired of hearing, “You’re so strong” as if there is a direct correlation between hearing it and feeling it.

I’m tired of walking through this life alone.

I’m tired of my widow story … that does not fit the accepted script.

I’m tired of crying.

I’m tired of missing you so much every cell in my body throbs with the missingness.

I’m tired of recounting the months, days, hours & minutes widowhood started.

I’m tired of dreading specific calendar dates.

I’m tired of the ‘Widow’s Fog’ that rolls in and hovers over my life, when one of those dreaded calendar dates approaches.

I’m tired of shrugging off recriminations for missed phone calls, forgotten plans, and skipped luncheons.

I’m tired of fielding judgments by people who should know better.

I’m tired of looking at life now in reference to “before Bob passed” and “after Bob passed”.

I’m tired of trying to restructure and rebuild my life alone.

I’m tired of the echoing “til death do us part”.

I’m tired of not having someone to discuss my day with.

I’m tired of not having someone around to discuss their day with me.

I’m tired of a clean body, and clean sheets … and wishing you were lying next to me.

I’m tired of being tired.

So –

Babe, do you think you could finagle a brief furlough from Heaven?

I could really use one of your hugs about now …

HOW?

Always liked this song.

Bob is still “the one”.

428 days solo lobo, and I KNOW I have to {move on} …

The question is “HOW”?

Bob is STILL the one.

No one understands how hard it is to restructure and rebuild a new life when the old life is still very much “the one”.

THE BEST THING OF MY LIFE

VALENTINE DAY SHABBAT

No lovey-dovey Valentine card this year.

No big heart boxed chocolate this year.

I was baking Shabbat Bread, when Pam called me this afternoon with a Valentine message – she didn’t wish me happiness because that would be bad taste with Bob permanently gone now; she is a good friend.

Last Valentine’s Day, I was watching my SIL, Merry, transferring my husband’s cremains from the funeral home box to a nice wooden box the size of a teenager’s shoe box … and 6 little Remembrance Urns for the kids & grandkids. I was thankful  for Merry's help. The transfer could have waited, but I wanted his cremains out of that cheap plastic funeral home container; and placed into the wooden box his middle sister, Bonnie, had helped me chose and purchase the day Bob graduated to his home beyond the clouds, December 14th, 2018. The wooden box solidified his new identity - and gave dignity to what remained of the earthen vessel that housed his spirit for 69 years, and loved me like a man for 44 years while he walked this Earth as my one true love and great passion.

In the stillness of my solo lobo evenings, I can still hear my husband’s voice: I hope it never fades, as other widow’s lament.

Widowhood still seems surreal to me – and I am living it!

427 days/10 hours & 31 minutes: my heart still misses Bob; and my mind is still having a hard time grappling with all the changes in my life that have taken place in such a short period of time.

But, I am doing a little better this year; I am not crying heart-rending tears or gasping for breath anymore … now the tears are silent sentinels of acceptance; heralding healing on all fronts.

Also, today – last year, I heard my sister Iris’s voice for the 1^st time.

We talked for 2 hours - it was wonderful; we were immediate friends ... like we had grown up siblings. We talked just about every Wednesday following that first phone convo :-D From Valentine's Day 2019 to August 2019; she left this life September 3^rd, 2019 following a surgical procedure that she never woke from.

I can still hear her voice.

I will always treasure those phone convo's.

They came at exactly the right time; and brought light into my dark world – Bob had been taken Home; but Elohim brought Iris into my life: I felt loved and very favored - I had been gifted Bob for 44 years, and now I was being favored with the gifting of the sister I had longed to know. Elohim hears our prayers. And He always answers our prayers ... ON HIS TIMELINE, not necessarily ours. The timing was perfect.

I love you, Elohim: thank You for greatly loving me, and highly favoring me ... the unconditional love.

I love you, Iris: thank you for those phone calls, the sharing of your life, the laughter, the jokes, the FB flowers ... the unconditional love.

I love you, Babe: thank you for choosing me to share your life with, for fulfilling my every dream and desire … the unconditional love.

Always ~ OX

L’chiam – to life :-D

MOD DAHLIA DUSTCOVER ~ 3-pot Crockpot

Today was a very emotional day … all day long.

I cried all day long.

I had company pop in, and when they asked how I was doing: I cried; not gasping sobs, and the break didn’t last long, but the tears did fall. Thank Elohim they are good people, and we are comfortable enough around each other there was no awkwardness.

They know me – they know my life. They have been with me these past 417 days.

They know what the tears represent without me even speaking a single word.

FB “Memory” flybys that came up when I logged on yesterday, and today, are about people I love who are no longer walking this earth: Bob’s Dad, my Bob, and my sister, Iris.

Tomorrow will be my 2^nd Valentine’s Day without my husband; and I was also remembering that today, last year, I was finally in contact with my oldest sister: I have never met her face-to-face; but this day last year, a 51-year old prayer had been answered. Iris lives beyond the clouds too, now, since Summer’s end 2019. And this coming Saturday, family members will gather in Astoria in a Celebration of Life event for Bob’s cousin, Brian, who passed from this life 2 days following the 1^st anniversary of Bob’s graduation: same month, 2 days apart. Brian was the same age as Bob’s son, Alex – 49 years old. Too young to die.

Too much death in such a short period of time.

My heart is overwhelmed this Valentine's day.

Throbbing migraine raging, eyes swollen from crying all day long … I decided to get busy adding some ‘color pop’ to the Castle furnishings; to push the gray clouds-soul heaviness back.

I put the coffee pot on, pulled the Fall/Winter dust covers; and started designing and crafting Spring/Summer-themed dust covers for my counter-top appliances. I started with the 3-pot Crockpot because it is the largest and takes the most time – I get bored easily, so getting the most time-consuming things out of the way first works for me ;-)

3-pot Crockpot to be fitted.

Poinsettia Dustcover I made in December, 2019 

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/cheese-spread-recipe.html)

MOD Dahlia Dustcover: today's beginning. Freestyle crochet - no pattern, just an idea ;-)

Dahlia flower being worked up – I found it with an online search for ‘Spring Flowers’. I didn’t have a particular flower in mind, but as soon as I spotted this one, I KNEW that would be ‘the one’ ;-)

As the dustcover design progressed, the day began to fade and a pretty sunset took place while the dahlia took shape:

This cloud literally had a “gold lining” :-D It was very pretty.

Dahlia Dustcover FINISHED; Front view.

Dahlia Dustcover FINISHED; Top view.

I used the yarn I had on hand … and thanked Elohim that it was enough to complete the project :-D

The symbolism behind Dahlia flowers is very encouraging: this flower is generally associated with elegance, inner strength (a person who stands strong in his/her sacred values), creativity, journeys (physical, emotional, spiritual), change, and dignity. The dahlia is also associated with personal uniqueness (stay true to your unique self). All around the world, the dahlia is known to be a symbol of love and marriage.

A pink dahlia flower is usually a symbol of grace and kindness. Pink also represents feminine beauty. Orange, also in the red family, is a general symbol of love and passion – but it can also be a symbol of power, strength, and importance.

The dahlia flower is a reminder to us that life is beautiful, and there are many opportunities around us if we open our eyes and see them. We should discover new pleasures, and all good things that are waiting for us to claim them. Most important is to have a positive attitude towards life. If you have dahlias in your home, you will feel positive energy; and you will attract new people into your life.

I can go with that flow - I really, really MISS talking with someone else besides my self throughout my days.

Hmmmm …

Who knew I would be unleashing so much into my life just by deciding to work up a dahlia to trim my crockpot dustcover with? LOL

IT FEELS LIKE SPRING

Since Monday morning, bird song and the drone of lawn mowers has lightened the days.

And love …

Bob’s love.

My husband’s love still fires my jets and lightens my daily load :-D

Bob’s love in my life was the gift of a lifetime – it’s a gift I will never be able to repay (even if he were still here with me); but as long as I am granted a life, I will honor him and his gift by over-indulging in it/stretching it thin/pay it forward – and never, never forget it, or get tired of it.

When I think of Bob, and the love he lavished on me, I STILL get twitterpated – it feels like Spring. That Spring in 1974 when Bob and I finally met face-to-face, and fell for each other hook-line-and-sinker before the evening came to a close. Neither of us were anticipating meeting anyone … and then it happened: fate threw us together and we were twitterpated ;-)

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwXozFxk01A & https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N12dH1lIE74)

And we stayed twitterpated for 44 years: Bob colored my life with every promise Spring puts forth.

Thank you, Babe, for the love you gave me.

Thank you, Babe, for choosing me to give all your love to.

Thank you for the endless Spring you colored my life with.

I love you.

Always ~ OX