2020 COOKATHON #1

I started “bulk” cooking in August 2019; by then, the shock of being a solo lobo was kinds-sorta slacking off, and I could actually think straight through a whole thought without brain freeze. That is important when dinking around in the kitchen ;-) I didn’t realize – until pulling this post together – that the day I started taking purposeful control of my life, and actively moving forward … with my first cookathon, was August 27^th, 2019: my Wedding Anniversary. Had Bob still been here, on this planet with me, we would have been celebrating our 45^th anniversary as friends, lovers, husband/wife, parents, grandparents: Soul Mates. Instead, looking at the date notation while I type this post – I was in the kitchen whipping up solo lobo meals to be portioned for solo lobo freezer meals. This is my life in my new life.

August 27^th, 2019: 4 MAKE AHEAD FREEZER MEALS – https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/08/4-make-ahead-freezer-meals.html

September 24, 2019: FALL MEALS COOKATHON ~Tuesday & Wednesday: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/09/fall-meals-cookathon-tuesday-wednesday.html

November 13^th, 2019: COOKATHON DAY ~ https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/11/cookathon-day.html

Today is my first 2020 cookathon. I buy my groceries in bulk – that’s the way I grew up, and I carried that thriftiness over into my marriage with Bob. It works for me (then and now). I usually have what I need at my fingertips.

For those of you that do not have a well-stocked pantry, cupboards, or freezer, these meals may seem a little expensive; but I don’t throw $$$ away; I am very economical. I buy my freezer meats once a year, from an old-fashioned butcher shop – it takes me all day to drive there and back, but the trip is worth it to me: I get out of the house, enjoy a nice country drive, and enjoy great meals all year long :-D I garden every year, and my garden goodies go into the freezer – I personally, like the ‘fresh from the garden’ taste the freezer delivers that watery canned foods just don’t: I used to can for 2 decades; but I stopped canning, and started freezing my veggies 2 decades ago; and I like it much better – it also works for my widow Suppers too. For pantry and cupboard items, I bulk shop for at least a 6-month supply of staples such as flours, sugars, dry milk, ect. I bake my own bread, so I also buy yeast in bulk and refrigerate the yeast. I grow my own herbs, and dry some – and freeze some. In this way, I can prepare nutritious, balanced-menu meals that are healthy and economical. My food is my medicine, so I mostly cook foods that benefit the body and mind – and I don’t stage my dishes … I do home-style cooking. I don’t care so much about how it looks on the plate: I care about how it will benefit my life, in the long run; and how fast I can get out of the kitchen and rest my barking dogs (aka: my tired feet) ;-)

Meats I will be working with today; beef, chicken, pork sausage, fish - these are widow's portions: the original recipe portions are posted for full size families.

Last year it was snowing – and I was laid up in bed with influenza. Today, the temperature was near 50-degrees, and I was very busily bustling around my kitchen at 9:30 AM preparing meals for my freezer … finished up around 9 PM. I cooked a variety of meals; I used a few recipes Bob liked, but generally, I chose recipes he never ate – either because he didn’t like the ingredients, or I didn’t have the time to make them, or I had children and grandchildren underfoot for the 44 years straight.

Bob is no longer here to object to the ingredients: and there are no more children racing in and out of rooms either. The house is empty, and I have the time to spend all day in the kitchen cooking.

I’d rather have Bob and the kids; but I don’t argue with Elohim. This is the life I have now, and Elohim has given me the grace, strength, and courage I need to navigate it.

When to comes to meal times, I treat myself once a week to downtown restaurants just for a change of pace when I am out and about. The rest of the time, I prefer to eat at home, enjoying my own cooking: better for my health, better on the household budget. I sort through my recipes – go shopping for the few extras I do not have on hand in the ‘fridge, pantry, freezer, or cupboards (I buy in bulk, so I usually have what I need at my fingertips) … set a day aside, get my ingredients together; and start cooking ;-)

Yu’all know the spiel and drill if you have been regularly checking my Blog out – I am only 1 person now, but I like good food; so I cook full meals (cut them down when prudent, as in I do not need to cook 12 servings – so I cut that recipe in half) and divide the meals into individual freezer portions. But, I post recipes as they are printed in my cookbooks for full sized families.

Some of these recipes take 2 days to complete: read through the recipes, and plan accordingly.

Enjoy!

**********

Upscale Macaroni & Cheese baked - I only made half the recipe, so my baking dish is small.

==UPSCALE MACARONI & CHEESE ~ serves 12

Everyone’s favorite childhood dish with a sophisticated twist.

This recipe comes from my ‘Bon Appetit cooking magazine/December 1995.’

2 Tablespoons (1/4 stick) Butter * 3 large Red Bell Peppers (about 1-1/2 pounds), cut into ½-inch pieces * Salt & Pepper * 5 celery stalks, chopped * 1-1/2 cups Whipping Cream * 1-1/2 cups half-n-half * 1 pound Blue Cheese, crumbles * 1 teaspoon celery Seeds * Cayenne Pepper * 3 large Egg yolks * 1/2 cup chopped Celery Leaves * I  pound Penne noodles * 1/2 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese (about 2 ounces)

Melt butter in a heavy large skillet over medium- high heat. Add bell peppers and celery and saute until just beginning to soften – about 7 minutes. Remove from heat. Season with salt and pepper.

Combine cream, half-n-half, and blue cheese in heavy medium saucepan; stir over low heat until cheese melts. Remove from heat. Add celery seeds. Season sauce with cayenne, salt and pepper. Beat egg yolks in medium bowl to blend. Gradually whisk in half of cheese sauce. Return mixture to saucepan and whisk to blend. Add celery leaves.

Cheese Sauce being prepared.

Spices added to cheese sauce.

Egg yolks being prepared.

Noodles added to cheese sauce: I used a fancy spiral type ;-)

Butter a 13-3/4” x 10-1/2” x 2-3/4” (4-quart capacity) oval baking dish. Cook pasta in a pot of boiling, salted, water until just tender – but still firm to the bite – stirring occasionally. Drain. Return to same pot. Add sauce and vegetables; stir to blend. Transfer mixture to baking dish. **(Can be make 1 day ahead. Cover; chill. Let stand at room temperature 1 hour before continuing).**

Ready for oven.

Preheat oven to 400-degrees. Sprinkle parmesan over surface of pasta. Bake until pasta is heated through: sauce is bubbling and top is beginning to brown – about 25 minutes.

Upscale Macaroni & Cheese Freezer Meal. 1 Serv - Mac-n-Cheese, Mixed Vegs., half a Croissant, Mini Chocolate Eclairs. I place plastic wrap between the lower portions and the upper meal items before covering, trimming edges, and packaging.

Packaged for the freezer, and labeled. It was also placed inside a large freezer ziploc baggie.

==ORANGE & BAY-SCENTED ROASTED CHICKEN w-NEW POTATOES ~ serves 6

Butterflying the chicken increases the area exposed to the marinade, making for a particularly flavorful dish. For a pretty presentation, arrange sautéed snow peas around chicken.

This recipe comes from my ‘Bon Appetit cooking magazine/December 1987’ … and the picture is pretty. But, I don’t have the time {to butterfly} – and even if I wanted to do so, I would do a lousy job of it, ruining the meat as well as the {presentation}. So, I buy my butchered chicken in bulk, and marinade it that way: it works for me :-D

And ‘the presentation’ with snow peas and new spuds looks just fine ;-)

2/3 cup fresh Orange juice * 1/4 cup Olive Oil * 2 Tablespoons fresh Lemon juice * 4 large Garlic cloves, crushed * 2 Bay leaves, crushed * 1 Tablespoon grated Orange Peel (orange part only) * 2 teaspoons granulated Sugar * 1/4 teaspoon Cinnamon * 1/8teaspoon freshly ground Black Pepper * 1/8 teaspoon dried Red Pepper Flakes * 2 3-pound chickens * Salt * 18 small new Potatoes (1-1/2’ to 2” diameter) * ¼ cup Olive Oil * 4 fresh Sage leaves, chopped * Snow peas enough for 12, quickly sautéed, if desired

Blend first 10 ingredients in large shallow baking dish.

Orange & Bay-scented marinating sauce.

To butterfly chicken, cut out backbones and discard. Open chickens skin side up on work surface and push down on breast bone to flatten, using heel of hand. Turn chickens over and pull back and snap out breastbones. Trim away rib bones. Remove wishbones. Place chickens in marinade, coating thoroughly. Cover and refrigerate overnight.

This is what I have to work with; I’m not sure if anyone else would go through this tedious trouble, but I was curious, so I gave it a whirl – and I do have LOTS of time on my hands now to thoroughly frustrate myself. De-boned breast, thigh, leg, & wing – de-boning the wing took the longest and most frustrating: there isn’t a lot to work with, and the bones put up a fight.

Orange & Bay-scented chicken marinating overnight. Again, my dishes are small because I am only 1, cooking for 1: my portions are small.

Position rack in center of oven and preheat to 350-degrees. Line large shallow baking pan with foil. Top with large rack. Drain chickens, reserving marinade. Season with salt; arrange skin side up on rack in pan. Baste with marinade. Rub potatoes with 1/4 cup oil and sage. Sprinkle with salt. Place on rack around chicken. Roast until thermometer inserted in thickest part of chicken thighs registers 170-degrees – basting chickens occasionally with marinade; about 1 hour.

Oiled-n-herbed spuds.

Ready for oven.

Chicken, spuds, & chuck roasting together in oven - this works for me because my portions are small: if you are cooking full recipes as posted, this baking arrangement will not work.

Preheat broiler. Transfer potatoes to a serving platter. Using poultry shears, quarter chickens. Broil chicken until golden brown, watching carefully. Serve chicken with potatoes. Snow peas enough for 12, quickly sautéed, if desired.

Orange & Bay-scented Roasted Chicken w-New Potatoes Freezer Meal. 1 Serv - Chicken, New Spuds, Snow Peas (I grew in my garden), Pumpernickel Roll, Vanilla Eclairs. I place plastic wrap between the lower portions and the upper meal items before covering, trimming edges, and packaging.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/02/pumpernickel-bread-sweet-potato-muffins.html)

Packaged and labeled; also slipped into a large ziploc freezer baggie..

==MARINATED CHUCK ROAST ~ serves 4 to 6

I don’t remember which magazine I clipped this recipe from … but it goes back to the later end of the 1970’s. And it is a perfect comfort-food dish for PNW dreary rainy days.

I paired this meat dish with tri-colored noodles for the added appeal of bright colors to chase the gray away :-D The noodle recipe follows this recipe.

Spread 2 pounds Chuck Roast on cutting board; trim fat. Make shallow cuts in each side – place in glass or enamel pan. Mix 1/2 cup Vegetable Oil, 1/2 cup Red Wine Vinegar, 3 Tablespoons Lemon juice, 1 Tablespoon granulated Sugar, ½ teaspoon Salt, ½ teaspoon Thyme, ¼ teaspoon ground Black Pepper, ½ teaspoon Garlic Powder, and ½ Onion, chopped finely. Spread half of marinade on each side of meat; cover and refrigerate 2 to 3 hours. Place meat on broiler pan, reserving marinade. Roast in preheated 350-degree oven for 2 hours – basting several times with marinade. Before serving, add remaining marinade and place under broiler for a few minutes.

Marinated Chuck baking; since there is only me now, and my small portions don’t hog the oven – I baked the chuck with the chicken (previous recipe above).

NOT JUST BUTTERED NOODLES ~ 4 servings

I bought these pretty noodles on my first shopping foray as a new widow. I was aimless pushing my cart through the store, wondering what I wanted to buy – and eat – without Bob: before, I always shopped with consideration for my husband’s appetite too. Shopping solo lobo was very new a year ago. I had no idea how to shop for one … and no enthusiasm at all. But these pretty noodles caught my eye, and interest. So, into my cart they went. And I am trying them, for the first time since buying them, today ;-)

This recipe tells me these noodles are ‘delicious with roasted meats or chicken’. We shall see – the recipe sounds delicious, and the noodles certainly look delicious :-D

2 tablespoons (1/4 stick) Butter * 1-1/2 Tablespoons Olive Oil * 3 Garlic cloves, chopped * 1/2 teaspoon Aniseed, crushed or coarsely shopped * 8 ounces tricolor tubular or spiral shaped Pasta, freshly cooked * 1 7-ounce jar Roasted Red Bell peppers, drained, chopped * 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese * 2 Plum Tomatoes, seeded, chopped * 1/4 cup thinly sliced fresh Basil leaves

Approximated amount of noodles (half of original recipe) weighed with my little dieter’s scale. They look too good to eat ... but I will eat them anyway ;-)

Melt butter in heavy large saucepan over medium-high heat. Add oil, garlic, and aniseed; and stir until fragrant – about 1 minute. Mix in all remaining ingredients and toss until heated through – about 2 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.

Sauce being prepared.

Not Just Noodles finished.

Marinated Chuck Freezer meal. 1 Serv - Chuck, Noodles, Brussel Sprouts w-Carrot, 1 Sweet Potato Roll, Tiny Chocolate Desserts. I place plastic wrap between the lower portions and the upper meal items before covering, trimming edges, and packaging.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/02/pumpernickel-bread-sweet-potato-muffins.html)

Crimped tight, labeled ... and slipped into a large ziplox freezer baggie.

==FOUR-ONION SOUP ~ serves 8

1/4 cup (1/2 stick) Butter * 3 large Onions, sliced * 3 medium Leeks (white and light green parts), sliced * 1 bunch Green Onions, sliced (white parts only) * 1/4 cup minced Shallots * 2 teaspoons minced fresh Ginger * 2 Garlic cloves, crushed * pinch of Cayenne * 1 Tablespoon all-purpose Flour * 8 cups Chicken Broth * 1 cup dry White Wine * 3 Tablespoons Brandy * 1 teaspoon fresh Lemon juice * 1 teaspoon Salt * freshly ground Black Pepper

Melt butter in heavy large saucepan over medium-high heat. Add onions, leeks, green onions, shallots, ginger and garlic; saute until tender – about 20 minutes. Add cayenne and flour and stir until mixture is brown. Add broth and wine and simmer 20 minutes. Blend in brandy, juice, salt and pepper. Simmer 15 minutes. Serve hot.

Four-Onion soup cooking in my crockpot - about 6 hours.

Soups frozen in 1 serving portions.

==JANE’S SOUTHWESTERN BEEF & VEGETABLE STEW ~ about 8 cups

This stew contains zippy red chili peppers, and plenty of garlic and herbs. Team it up with a crisp winter salad and a chunk of warm bread, for a well-balanced Dinner.

This recipe comes from my ‘Bon Appetit cooking magazine/December 1986.

3 Tablespoons Olive Oil * 1 pound chuck or other Stew Meat, cut into 3/4-inch cubes * 1 medium Onion, chopped * 3 Garlic cloves, minced * 1 28-ounce can Tomatoes, chopped (liquid reserved) * ½ pound Mushrooms, sliced * 4 Celery stalks, sliced * 3 medium Carrots, peeled and sliced * 1 medium Red Bell Pepper, seeded and julienned * 1 medium Zucchini, sliced * 1/2 cup minced fresh Parsley * 1 dried Red Chili * 1 teaspoon dried basil, crumbled * ½ teaspoon dried oregano, crumbled * ½ teaspoon dried Sage, crumbled * Sat and fresh ground Black Pepper

Heat oil in a heavy large saucepan, or Dutch Oven, over medium-high heat. Add beef, onion and garlic; cook until meat is browned, stirring frequently – about 8 minutes. Mix in remaining ingredients. Reduce heat to low; cover and simmer 3 hours, stirring occasionally. Cool to room temperature. Cover and refrigerate at least 6 hours or overnight to allow flavors to intensify.

Jane’s Southwestern Beef-n-Vegetable Stew.

Soups frozen in 1 serving portions.

Reheat and serve hot.

I decided to turn the ventilator fan on while the fish cooked ...

 

Reaching the switch was quite a stretch for this shortie, but I managed to flick it with a fingertip and it kicked on. I don't know how I am going to clean that ceiling fan when the time comes - heights mess with my equilibrium, so getting on a ladder and messing around up there will be tricky. Maybe I can get one of my fella friends to help me. We'll see ...

==SPICY RED SNAPPER FILLETS ~ 4 servings

I use tilapia fillets because they are available all year ‘round.

Spicy Fish Fillets

This recipe comes from my ‘Bob Appetit cooking magazine/December 1987’. The only other change I made to the original recipe, was using an online Curry Seasoning Mix recipe in the original recipe.

I am serving this fish dish with a side of ‘Wild Rice and Mixed Woodland Mushrooms’. The rice recipe follows this recipe.

2 teaspoons unsalted Butter * 1-1/2 teaspoons Vegetable Oil * 1 large Onion, finely chopped * 1 1-inch piece fresh Ginger, peeled and slivered * 1 Garlic clove, finely chopped * 1-1/2 teaspoons Curry Seasoning Mix (**recipe follows) * 3/4 cup Tomato Sauce * 2 medium Tomatoes, peeled, seeded, and diced * Salt * 4 6-ounce Snapper fillets * Freshly cooked Rice for 4 * 1 Cucumber, peeled and thinly sliced

Mix butter with oil in heavy large skillet over medium heat. Add onion and cook until translucent, stirring occasionally – about 10 minutes. Miz in ginger, garlic, and seasoning mix. Stir 1 minute.

The onions made me cry: and not because they were strong smelling. I cried when I saw the date on the onion baggie ... Bob and I drove to a Nursery in Adna to buy the onion starts March 2018 – I harvested and chopped these onions for the freezer just before the paranoid neighbor’s bitching led to my husband’s hospitalization in August, which led to his death December 14^th, 2018. Triggers: they're everywhere and unpredictable.

Add tomato sauce and tomatoes. Season with salt. Arrange fish skin side up atop tomato mixture, then turn to coat. Cover and simmer until fish is opaque – about 8 minutes. Spoon rice onto a platter; set fish atop. Spoon sauce over. Garnish with cucumber.

Onion and seasoning being cooked.

Tomato sauce added.

Fish fillets added to skillet. This deep sided skillet also brought tears to my eyes - Bob bought this pan set for me in June of 2018, as we passed through Scappoose, OR, on our way home from Portland, OR. He said "You need a new cooking pan set, Val - your others are getting old and worn". 2 months later we were in ER hearing a doctor telling us, "Your husband is dying." I have used these pans many times since then, but today they triggered my emotions - probably because of the onion bag date - and the memory invoked by that ...

I buttered half a cob of corn and wrapped it snug, to add to the meal.

Spicy Fish Fillet Freezer Meal. 1 Serv – 1 Fish, fillet, Wild Rice w-Woodland Mushrooms, 1 Cob corn (I marked the sealed fold with an "X" to keep the butter dripping onto the corn - instead of all over the pan - while baking ;-), 1 Sweet Potato Roll. I place plastic wrap between the lower portions and the upper meal items before covering, trimming edges, and packaging.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/02/pumpernickel-bread-sweet-potato-muffins.html)

Crimped tight, labeled ... and slipped into a large ziplox freezer baggie.

**Curry Seasoning Mix: https://minimalistbaker.com/diy-curry-powder/

Curry Seasoning mix blended. I ground the seeds into powder so I can safely utilize them.

WILD RICE & MIXED WOODLAND MUSHROOMS ~ serves 6

Wild Rice & Woodland Mushrooms finished.

I like wild rice, and I was gifted a few batches of wild mushrooms; so today I am going to indulge my taste buds ;-)

Nutty wild rice, fluffy grains of white rice; and the deep, meaty taste of dried and fresh mushroom combine to make a tempting side dish.

This recipe comes from my ‘Bon Appetit cooking magazine/December 1987’.

1 cup Wild Rice * 1 cup Water * 1 cup White Rice * 1 ounce dried morels, porcini, or other dried European Mushrooms * 3 large Shallots, sliced * 6 large Green Onions (Scallions), sliced * 1/2 pound small fresh Mushrooms * 4 Tablespoons (1/2 stick) Butter * 3/4 teaspoon Salt * Freshly ground Black pepper * 1/3 to 2/3 cup Chicken Stock

Cook wild rice in large amount of boiling water until just tender – about 45 minutes. Rice will still be crunchy; wild rice does not soften like white rices. Drain well.

Wild rice drained.

Combine 1 cup water and white rice in heavy saucepan, bring to a boil; reduce heat to low, cover and cook until water is absorbed – 20 minutes.

Meanwhile, soak dried mushrooms in hot water to cover for 30 minutes. Drain, reserving liquid for another use if desired. Cut morels in half, if very large. Rinse well; squeeze dry. Cut off and discard any hard stems.

Melt 3 Tablespoons butter in a heavy 10-inch skillet over high heat; add shallots and stir 1 minute. Add all mushrooms and cook until beginning to release liquid – stirring frequently – about 4 minutes. Add wild and white rice, and salt and pepper; and cook until mixture is almost dry, stirring frequently – about 4 minutes. Mix in 1/3 stock and cook until just warmed through, stirring occasionally. **(Can be prepared 2 days ahead at this point. Cool, cover and refrigerate. Rewarm before serving)**.

Mushrooms and seasonings – my mushrooms had been frozen.(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/10/something-old-something-new.html)

Stir in green onions and remaining 1 Tablespoon butter. If mixture appears dry, stir in remaining cup of stock. Adjust seasonings.

==COWBOY BEAN CAKES ~ serves 6

Cowboy Bean Cakes finished.

Grilled sausages and green onions complement these bean cakes.

Grilled Grilled bratwurst sausages; 2 freezer meals.

This bean cakes recipe comes from my ‘Bon Appetit cooking magazine/December 1986’.

1 cup Pinto beans * 1/2 cup Red beans * 1/2 cup Black beans * 1/2 cup Bacon Drippings, or lard, or solid vegetable shortening * 1 medium Onion * 1 medium Green Bell Pepper * 1 dried Ancho pepper, minced * 1 Jalapeno pepper, chopped * 1 large Garlic clove, chopped * 1 cup Beef Broth or water * 1/2 cup prepared BBQ Sauce * 1 teaspoon Chili Powder * ½ teaspoon ground Coriander * 1 cup freshly cooked White Rice * all-purpose Flour * grilled Sausages (such as kielbasa, bratwurst, and knockwurst) * Green Onions

Combine pinto and red beans in medium saucepan; add enough water to cover and bring to a boil. Reduce heat, and simmer until very tender – about 1-1/2 hours. Drain beans thoroughly.

I cooked all my beans at the same time.

Meanwhile, place black beans in a small saucepan. Add enough water to cover and bring to a boil: reduce heat, and simmer until very tender – about 1-1/2 hours. Drain beans thoroughly.

Melt 1/4 cup drippings in heavy large skillet over medium-low heat. Add onion, peppers, and garlic; cook until onion is translucent – about 10 minutes. Add pinto and red beans, broth, BBQ sauce, chili powder, coriander, salt and pepper; and simmer until liquid evaporates, stirring frequently – 20 minutes.

Seasonings.

Beans and seasonings cooked to enhance flavors.

In a large bowl, mash pinto bean mixture with rice; with large spoon, fold in black beans. Cover and refrigerate until well chilled. **(Can be prepared 1 day ahead at this point)**.

Half of cooled bean mixture mashed with blender.

Bean mixtures stirred to equally blend mashed and whole beans.

Shape beans into patties, using 2-1/2 to 3 Tablespoons for each patty. Dust lightly with flour.

Bean cake patties shaped and ready put in ‘fridge to firm up a bit – they are pretty soft; handle with care. 3 TBSP each patty. I got 24 patties made up.

Melt remaining 1/4 cup drippings in heavy large skillet over medium-high heat. Add bean patties to skillet in batches – do not crowd – and fry until crisp – about 1-1/2 minutes each side. Serve immediately with grilled meats and green onions.

Cowboy Bean Cakes frying: these things are very soft – move them quickly … and carefully into frying pan; turn them over very carefully.

Cowboy Bean Cakes Freezer Meal. 1 Serv – 1 Bratwurst, 4 Bean Cakes, half cob of corn (I marked the sealed fold with an "X" to keep the butter dripping onto the corn - instead of all over the pan - while baking ;-), 1 Sweet Potato Roll. I place plastic wrap between the lower portions and the upper meal items before covering, trimming edges, and packaging.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/02/pumpernickel-bread-sweet-potato-muffins.html)

THE NEEDLE IS STUCK

Last year, today, it was very icy, very snowy, very cold, and very miserable here: I was 58 days into widowhood, and just as far into a bout with influenza complicated by walking pneumonia. I didn’t know that at the time – I thought I was just dealing with acute bronchitis, which I deal with on a regular basis. I could barely function, I was so sick: but I attributed that to my new status in life … missing the love of my life. I thought I was just run down from sitting death watch since September 3^rd. 3-1/2 months I sat death watch, barely eating, rarely sleeping (only when my body gave out did my eyes close). Even when I passed out, standing up too quickly, I never suspected I was desperately sick. I just knew I was desperately missing Bob, and attributed my weakened state to that new emotion, my new life, and my new reality – I hauled everything into the bed with me (laptop, phone, bottles of water, and a bag of yarn to complete the lapghans I was making), and camped out there for a couple days. It wasn’t until March, when I felt strong enough to stand and go to ER (a friend drove me), that I was diagnosed with the tail-end of influenza and pneumonia. Everywhere outside was white: street, rooftops, yards, vehicles … and Bob – was clothed in a white robe in his new home beyond the clouds; Bob always did look good in white ;-)

Today, this year, I’m actually quite healthy and in a better frame of mind, but I do feel like an old vinyl record, with a groove so deep the diamond-tip needle is stuck in the plastic … and keeps playing the same line over and over and over again, with an annoying static crackle backup.

The song used to be a good one – but it’s ruined now. In memory, it’s still good; in real-time-real-life, not so good anymore.

The needle is stuck.

I don’t deliberately sit around torturing myself with memories; but I have learned that memories – whether thought about, or not – will come on fast and furious when triggered. And it takes so little to trigger a memory: Bob gave me LOTS of memories. All good; but that needle gets stuck, and it’s hard to get back on track.

Valentine’s Day is 3 days off.

Closing in fast.

Last year, I was numb to it – this year, I’m dreading it.

December 14^th ended all holidays, Valentine's day before December 14th, 2018, used to be enjoyable: Bob and I would spend a leisurely morning cuddling in bed, whispering sweet nothing in each other’s ears and softly chuckle the way lovers do, exchange cards, Bob would {spring} a box of chocolates on me, we’d make plans for a Chinese Supper in Kalama - or a Thai Supper in Longview; and get the kids and grandkids quickly off to bed in the evening so we could have more leisurely loving moments together. The way lovers do. The passion never cooled, even after 44 years together. We were blessed in our love, and in our marriage. Having each other was ‘gift’ enough.

Last year on Valentine’s Day, my SIL, Merry, was helping me transfer Bob’s cremains into his cremains box and individual Remembrance Urns for the kids, grandkids, and me; that arrived on the 5^th – my husband’s cremains, with his Death Certificate, arrived 4 days before Christmas. I was so out of it all, in 2019, that it didn’t even dawn on me until last week how hard it must have been on Merry to help me last Valentine’s Day; Bob and Merry were close. But I wasn’t thinking of that last year – I was in survival mode: I really wasn’t thinking at all on much of anything last year. I didn’t want to feel … I didn’t want to think. So, I didn’t.

Valentine’s Day last year was not a happy one.

And I don’t expect Valentine’s Day this year to be much better. I still feel like I am living someone else’s life.

Valentine’s Day is a day for lovers to celebrate their love and devotion … my lover is no longer available; he resides in another dimension.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/11/quantum-widowhood.html)

Valentine’s Day pretty much glorifies youth, young love, unbridled passion, and in some case, unrequited love. When my husband was still here, walking among the living and loving me like a man, he still made me feel like a young bride – we always saw each other through the lens of love; the toll of aging didn’t hit home to either of us until the Fall of 2018 when in November, Bob noticed more gray in my hair caused by the stress I was going through … and I was shocked in December to see his hair was white (he’d kept his head bald for 2 decades) when it grew out in the lengthy hospitalizations. We knew we were aging – our birthdays were yearly reminders – but we didn’t act old.

We didn’t think old.

We just were.

And we were enjoying out life together.

Very actively. 

We were, in the Fall of 2018: 69 yo, and 61-3/4 yo, respectively. We never saw ourselves, or each other as “old.”

And even now, when I have aged significantly in the 1 year after Bob left this Earth; I don’t think of myself as “old”. I am now 63 yo (I turned 62, 15 days into my new life). I still feel like I did when I first met Bob at 17; I’m still that same person inside this aging body – I am surprised every morning when I wake up and remember that I am a widow now: a {mature} woman. A Senior Citizen too; to boot.  But, I am still ME; and yet, I am not.

I will probably be a little startled by those revelations for the rest of my natural life.

I have tried to keep my regular schedule as consistent as possible … but even that has severely altered. Though I can – and sometimes DO – do the same things we did together: it just isn’t as much fun anymore. Those are things I wanted to do with Bob: only Bob. Things we enjoyed doing together, just isn’t as exciting as a solo lobo. Something as simple as a walk, now, just feels flat and mundane: Bob is not here to hold hands with, to talk with, laugh with, share a private joke with, to point things out to me (like a turtle sunning itself on the riverbank). A drive is not as appealing either – and I like to go for leisurely drives in the countryside; but my conversational companion is no longer with me, holding my hand atop the center console between seats, laughing at inside jokes, singing songs with me, springing spur-of-the-moment ‘side-spur’ drives on me: solo drives are not so much fun anymore.

My emotions have pretty much flat-lined.

My life is totally unrecognizable.

And Cupid no longer knows my address.

My lover resides in another dimension; Bob is truly “out of this world”.

And I feel like an old vinyl record, with the diamond-tip needle stuck so deep in a groove, the same line keeps playing over and over and over again, with an annoying static crackle backup.

“IMISSBOBIMISSBOBIMISSBOB……”

VIEW FROM MY CASTLE WINDOWS

My life has always been a life of transparency; there is no point in hiding what people will eventually ferret out anyway – so I just “put it out there”, and let the chips fall where they will.

I was up-front and blatantly honest with Bob from the get-go – I figured, it’s best I tell him, rather than let him find out through the local grapevine gossip-mongers. I was pretty much squeaky-clean because I lived a clean life and lifestyle: my parents and siblings … no: they were the jaded spokes in the gossip wheel. Chances were, given the way gossip burns through small hamlet communities, Bob probably knew more about the embellished version of my family than I did.

And he loved me anyway.

What I share privately with close friends, and what I post publicly on my Blog – and on FB, is common knowledge anyway. Because I live a transparent life and lifestyle. The windows of my home are always open … and so is the window to my life. Pretending to be something other than what I am, is ludicrous. Pretending to be perfect, with a perfect family living a perfect life is ridiculous. With what I share, I want to show that life isn’t perfect – life is real. I share my life in real-time in the real world for real people. I don’t hide my feelings. I don’t hide my thoughts, or my opinions. I don’t hide my pain, my wounds, or my scars. And I am open about my struggles, my wars (personal, or with family members), and solo lobo journey through my 1-year/1 month/25 day/6 hr. 45 minute (421 days) widowhood; I loudly tout my victories, and give exuberant praise to Yeshua for walking with me through every moment of my life. Fake people are going to be offended and try to manipulate me into a corner, where they expect me to sit down and shut up: not gonna happen. This is MY life -and I WILL share whatever I want to share about my life. My life belongs TO ME, and no one – on either side of the family tree – gets to dictate to me, one thing about it. I try always to be considerate when I mention others who have passed through my life; but I don’t lie. Ever. And some of those people were so awful to Bob & I that they don’t deserve any consideration at all when their name comes up in my posts: if they are offended by what they read, they have the option to grow up and change the way things are between us. Otherwise, I will STILL BE real, living in the real world, talking real truths about my real life – and their real part in … or out ... of it – if and when they are a real part of the real narrative. I think that best benefits real people looking for real solutions to real life situations, circumstances, and issues. I don’t back down, I don’t step back; and I don’t pooh-pooh, or candy-coat life.

I am not a mean Queen, but I am the unapologetic Queen of my life – and I was the beloved Queen of Bob’s life. People will just have to get on board and behave – or move along. Bob’s legacy deserves better; and I deserve better. I intend to reign in my life, with a firm hand on my life; no one else gets to decide for me how I look, speak, act, think, or behave. ONLY ME. Even Bob didn’t try to remake me: he knew what he was getting when he joined his life to mine – and together we built a life of transparency based on honesty, respect, and honor for each other; always.

Bob was a strong man; he wanted a strong mate for life. It was fate at first sight. We were in love from first glance. We suited each other in all other areas too. There were no complaints … except from the peon sector, who had no authority over our life at all, and has no authority over my new life now. While there was a place for them (in-laws, siblings, children, grandchildren, friends) in our life, they were not more important than {US}, and they are not more important in MY life than ME: Bob and I reigned in our created world: now, I reign alone; and I am rebuilding a new world. It is up to them, individually, if they want to be part of my life – there is room for them if they choose to stand with me … but I will no longer chase after them. I will not cater to their demands.

Today - last year – was 23-degrees outside, and snowy. We never get a lot of snow here, but when we do, it always comes late ... like when the daffodils, crocuses, hyacinths and tulips are daring to show their heads; and trees are starting to show signs of new growth sprouting.

Today, last year. 2019

Today, this year, it is a balmy 50-degrees outdoors, and feels like Spring on the air. I noticed daffodils, crocuses, and tulips coming up in my flowerbeds and flowerpots the other day - I'm happy to see that the yellow Parrot tulips I bought last March, because they were the color and the flowers Bob liked, survived and I will get to enjoy them again this year :-D

This is life in my small corner of the PNW; unsettled in many ways, on many levels – but beauty is being birthed ;-)

My humble inheritance – the ‘castle’, with a fresh coat of paint applied 9-1/2 months ago; Bob wanted me to keep it, and I am sure he is happy that I am continuing on as we planned here. This picture was taken June 25^th, 2017 after we had moved in and remodeled the inside, put a new roof on it, and was working on the property to make it what we wanted in a home. We didn’t know then, that THAT would be what would cost Bob his life following a jealous and unfounded complaint. Bob did good with this provision … but I’d rather have Bob. I’d rather have Bob with me.

Last night’s love song ... wind chimes dancing in the gentle wind.

I bought these Miniature Daffodils (quite a bit taller than the ones I planted 2 years ago) and variegated-leaf Cyclamen yesterday; not sure yet where they will be placed on the property here.

 

Tiny sized tete-a-tete miniature Daffodils (these daffodils stay very low to the ground) coming up among the Hens-n-chicks sedum; both the narcissus and sedum proliferates profusely – each will need to be thinned out eventually. As soon as there is a reasonable break in the weather, I need to pick up the storm litter debris.

More little tete a tete Daffodils coming up in this front flowerbed, poking through the dormant Delphiniums and dead-leaf Shasta daisies: I can only see 1 from this angle, but there are several coming up in among the leaves of the Shasta daisies, facing street-side. Small, naturalizing crocuses are starting to show among the cabbage-leaf-Begonias.

 

Dark purple larger Crocuses, coming up I this front flowerbed; nestle among the dead-leaf Shasta daisies and Foxgloves. The primroses have all but disappeared completely. I never have luck with primroses – they are supposed to come back every year, but mine never do. More smaller naturalizing crocuses are popping up among the cabbage-leaf Begonias in this bed also.

Yellow Parrot Tulips are pushing up among the dead-leaf Foxgloves in these containers on the bottom front porch steps. The yellow parrots have a peach blush to their petals – very becoming. I bought these flowers last year because Bob liked parrot tulips; I never want his memory to fade. As long as these flowers come back, it never will.

I have requested the grandchildren plant foxgloves when they place my cremains next to Bob’s in our family cemetery plot block – I planted crocuses there in the Fall and it pains my heart that I cannot visit the cemetery to see if they ever popped up this Spring: there was a landslide a few weeks ago, that has closed the stretch of highway I need to get to Eden Valley and by the time it is reopened, the blossoming would have passed. And, I will not know if they came up or not.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/11/destination-locations_20.html)

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/01/my-calendar-is-full.html)

The Yellow Parrot Tulips and fuchsia Foxgloves will be very pretty on these front porch steps. And the flowers resemble our side-by-side relationship: Bob liked the color yellow, and the parrot tulips … I like the color purple, and the foxglove flower. Very complimentary and compatible ;-)

I always did my best to provide a comfortable home for my husband that he could take pride in. At first, he didn’t understand my need for pretties in the yards; or my need to have a garden … but after I made them happen … he got into the swing of things and made sure I had them every Spring: he LIKED the colorful displays of Spring flowerbeds, and he liked the meals I made for him with my prolific vegetable garden hauls – so he faithfully rototilled the veggie plots; which started out small in Cathlamet, and grew to quite a substantial plot on Merritt Drive, just off West Side highway. And eventually, I even got the chickens I wanted ;-) The chickens are a thing of the past now, but it was a love gesture I appreciated the years I had them.

Here, on these recent humble castle grounds, I want to do all I can to make sure the flowerbeds bloom brightly, and the garden boxes Bob built for me to give me a steady supply of what I need to carry me through the Fall/Winter months – what the grocery stores are asking for what I can grow more healthily and cheaply, is scandalous. I will continue to garden as long as I am physically able to: I enjoy puttering around, getting my hands dirty, and letting the calming serenity of my gardens sooth my tired soul and overtaxed mind.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2017/07/racing-father-time.html & https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2017/07/day-by-day.html)

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/07/super-busy-day.html).

I have also gotten back to observing the Shabbat; for a long time, after becoming a widow, I just couldn’t. I wasn’t mad, I wasn’t particularly sad or anything – I just had a mental block about the wine. It was irrational; but I have been told by other widows and widowers, that irrationality walks hand-in-hand with widowhood: it’s an PTSD effect. Widows and widowers have suffered a traumatic event that caused severe distress, that affected ALL of our being.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/07/soloing-on-shabbat.html)

Benefits of wine on the female human body (https://www.health.com/nutrition/6-reasons-why-a-little-glass-of-wine-each-day-may-do-you-good). I'm keeping my wine days strictly on Shabbat days ... and only 4 ozs/night. Granny is not going to become a widowed lush - that road is a dead-end.

Rainbow heart spot. Awesome ;-)

Twin hearts! Amazing morph :-D

With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, social media is bursting at the seams with love-theme e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. I used to do that too. But for me, starting with Valentine’s Day 2019, it’s not so anticipated anymore. In fact, as far as I personally am concerned, it’s not looked forward to at all. Last Valentine’s Day I was placing my husband’s cremains into his Cremains box.

No, Valentine’s Day no longer holds happy memories for me. No more morning kisses; no more morning delight. No more lovey-dovey Valentine’s card exchanges. No more chocolate candy boxes produced with pomp and belly laughs. No more special Suppers out. No more Bob in my life. The celebration of love means something totally different to me now – the grief is not so raw this year … but the loss of my Babe’s love in my life, is just as acute. Bob was my great love. My great passion. My great purpose. ALL that is gone now.

The king of my heart ain’t commin’ back. His eternal residency lies beyond the clouds now.

The morning's gray clouds briefly parted ... it didn’t last long, but it was nice while it did :-D

Surviving Grief is serious business; it literally means the difference between life and death for the survivor. Sorrow strikes all of us at some point in time, in our lives. The Grim Reaper makes a claim, Grief accompanies him; and sorrow follows. Inevitably, and indefinitely. That is the irony of our human existence, and no one escapes it: they can prolong it with pills, oils/creams, injections, CPR techniques, proactive and prolonged hospitalization … but no one ever escapes the Grim Reaper’s claim – they are just merely buying time, and time eventually wraps up: he always collects. Grief always makes house calls. And sorrow settles in for a lifetime. We only escape any of the inevitable when we, ourselves, depart this world. We are all living out our lives on this planet in an unidentified finite period of time; that’s why it’s imperative that we live each minute of every day like it’s the last one we will ever experience. It could be.

That’s why it is vital to make peace with your Creator; and get your castle in order. Bob and I understood that concept for the last 37 years of his life on this earth.

But sorrow …

For this queen missing her king, coming to terms with sorrow seems to be harder than grappling with the Grim Reaper, and his side-kick, Grief.

And today’s wind-chimed-rain-soaked-view is the pronounced view from my Castle windows today.

Shabbat Shalom.

COLOR MY WORLD … With Fingernail Polish ;-)

One thing I’ve learned about being a widow, is that there will always be ‘first’s’. Everyone always talks about the ‘firsts of first year’ … but there are also the firsts of the second year, the firsts of the third year, the firsts of the fourth year, ect. I am of the persuasion that the ‘firsts’ n.e.v.e.r.e.n.d.

They just never end.

Everytime a widow does something new without her husband – it’s ‘a first’.

Everytime a widow does something new, that she’s never done before – it’s ‘a first’.

The first’s just never end.

It was another hell day with Toyota and AT&T; I swear I do not know how much more I can take and stay sane.

Both places have become my second homes. And I gotta tell you, I don’t like spending time at either place.

This afternoon, I spent 2 and a half hours at Toyota. I noticed Tuesday, when I hauled the garbage cans out to the curb, that the back right tire didn’t look right … but, I wasn’t exactly feeling ‘right’; I’ve been pretty tired lately while the shingles virus was running through my body, so spent every day I had to pop in and out of the house, between shed and house/garbage cans and house – peeking at that back tire. It always looked ‘off’. So, this afternoon, I was feeling confident enough to drive to Toyota Dealership to have it looked at by ‘a professional’ eye. Sure, enough, it was leaking air. I didn’t have an appointment, so they said they would “get to it when we can get to it.” That seems to be the standard response over there. Like I was supposed to KNOW my tire would start going flat, and jump right on the phone last month and call it in for a scheduled appointment so they’d get right on it.  The car is an all-wheel drive, so if 1 tire has to be replace – they ALL have to be replaced to keep the undercarriage straight and the vehicle in tip-top working order.  So, biting my tongue, I started counting to 10 while I grabbed my coat and backpack purse, and went inside the lounge. To wait. And wait. And wait

Because I had been up since 4 AM, I fell asleep twice while waiting, to the droning of “The Bold & The Beautiful” (which was boring and awful), as well as “The Talk”, which – I gotta say was mind rape – if a man was talking and laughing about women the way those women were talking and laughing about men – there would be protests around the block! It was very sexist, very demeaning, and very politically biased: {modern feminism} in all its horror. And I am a feminist! But, I do not recognize, nor do I support that kind of bitchy female sluttery. It is shameful that women would lower themselves to that level of low-class behavior. And very telling about those that support; and are supported by the demoncrat hypocrites. They will bitch nonstop about men’s locker-room talk, WHILE OPENLY talking trash gutter talk about men: AND LAUGHING LIKE DERANGED HYENAS.

I, personally, do not like that kind of tearing down by either sex.

Dozing off was a blessed relief; I prayed that my ears would not be subliminally assaulted while my body rested.

Eventually, I was informed the tire was repaired and all was fine again: a nail was found in the tire. I just shook my head – if I didn’t have bad luck, I’d have no luck at all. I hope the repair will last long enough for me to successfully squirrel away enough money to replace my tires when necessary.

I picked a few more grocery items up on my way back home. And grabbed the mail before I parked in the carport. I packed the grocery bags into the house, putting the perishables in the ‘fridge before anything else; which was smart, because I decided to open the mail while I drank a cup of coffee before putting the rest of the things away.

I choked on my coffee when I opened the AT&T envelope, and the rest of the things didn’t get put away until around 5:35 PM.

At 3:45 PM, I grabbed my coat and backpack purse, and hopped back in the car to run back into town to AT&T to find out WHY I was being asked for $3.62 MORE. I was not late with payments … I had paid them AT THE DOWNTOWN OFFICE, on time, with the {helpers} help.

I did suffer a crying jag on the drive into town: I am sick and tired of AT&T’s bullshit, and frustrated that I can’t indulge in my fantasy of real-time slamming heads together.

As usual … no one had a clue. Instead, they placed a phone call – handed me the receiver – and beat feet to all corners of the store where I was not. They freaking OUTSOURCED my question. To a man somewhere in India, with a very bad staticky connection; and who did not speak English very well. After about 20 minutes of shouting on both ends of “I can’t hear you!”, “Excuse me, can you repeat?”; the call finally commenced without interruption and I was told that WA State had AGAIN hit me with another State tax. Well, the State legislators STATESIDE who seem to think stateside freeloaders should live like kings and queens on a Senior Citizen’s dime, must have heard through the grape vine that I recently received a 27-cent increase in my monthly allotment … therefore their shifty minds immediately thought I should be billed another $3.62 phone service fee. Yeah – doesn’t make any sense to me either. But then, my mind isn’t criminally hard-wired. So, now my monthly phone bill is $130.82, instead of the 127.20 after the last tax hike.

I asked if $130.82/mo. was my new monthly billing, several times, to be sure/confirm with everyone listening; before I ended the phone call. But, I am sure next month there will be more hell to deal with, with AT&T. Those demons never leave me alone. It has literally been 12 months of billing hell with those morons.

I paid the rip-off fee, there, in the downtown store. The fella that I snagged to help me with the kiosk pay-center, didn’t how to use it any better than I did … we laughed the whole way through the process. And when we turned around, the other helpers were standing around, watching us with their mouths open: they were surprised I could laugh. I felt like saying, ‘Yes, I laugh; when I am not being treated like I am dimwitted by assholes with superiority complexes.’ Instead, I pinched my receipt as the kiosk spit it out, thanked my gracious and humorous helper, and said – as I left and looked at each asshole straight in the eye – “Can you believe it? I am leaving this store with a smile and laugh – that is a first: I think it may even be a miracle.” It certainly was a first :-D And the fella held the door open for me, and said, “I’m glad you are leaving with a laugh; that’s what we’re here for – customer satisfaction.” Now, if the other helpers could understand that, there would be less rancor next month; when I am sure, the AT&T bigwigs and WA legislators will have me storming through the store doors again …

I really just need to find another phone service company and divorce myself from AT&T – it has been a contentious relationship from the get-go; and the fact that they continued to bill my dead husband’s account FOR A YEAR, thinking to double-bill me, did not endear them to me. The demoncrat socialist leaning AT&T is nickel and diming me into the poor house with their poor service, their raising of the dead for profit, and ridiculously hefty price tag.

The nail punctured tire that Bob would have caught right away – and taken care of right away.

The State tax increase on the phone … and upcoming Space Rent coming up in June – that wouldn’t look so big if Bob was still here and we were pulling in 2 Social Security allotments, as planned; and anticipated.

I’m really am doing okay financially. For the time being.

But, M.A.N!

I just felt so overwhelmed after being laid low for 2 weeks.

It sucks when your Friday turns out to be ‘a Monday’.

And there is no one to hug you and say, "Everything will be fine, honey" … or listen to your pre-store-bitching while you blow off steam, so that there doesn’t need to be a need to indulge a head-slamming fantasy.

I miss my man in my life.

I need a freaking break.

I haven’t worn fingernail polish since 1988: brushing a swath of bright color across my nails is another first step into my new life. Maybe painting my fingernails and toenails will color my world and make it seem brighter until that ‘break’ breaks ;-)

I love you, Babe.

Always ~ OX

L'chiam!