My life has changed so much since December 2018. I remarried January 7th, 2023 ... we sold the house, sold our vehicles - and bought a new 4x, a puppy, & a 5th Wheel to travel the mainland States and experience life in the slow lane. As always I record e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. happening in my life: I will share lots of pics & vids of our USA travels: I hope you enjoy our Blog.
I hate the Amber Alert app … and I
specifically asked it to be removed last time I was in the AT/T Office downtown:
I was assured that it had been removed.
But on the way home, that damned
thing went off with it’s piercing {alarm}, and nearly caused me to wreck the
car before I found a safe place to pull over and figure out what the hell was
going on – I didn’t know if I had hit something and
the car was alerting me to that … or if something electronic was going on with
the car that needed attention. It freaked me out, more than ‘alerted’ me!
I don’t give a rat’s ass if some moron several counties away stole a silver
Nisson! All I wanted to do was get home safely: and the Amber Alert almost
killed me. Over a freaking car, some idiot half the State away left the keys in!
That thing is dangerous.
I am shaky enough trying to come
to grips with my widowhood (the brain fog, the unexpected startles, ect.)– I do not need the
Amber Alert app to add more stress to my driving days, or drive me over the
freaking edge with its screeching alert.
The Amber Alert app nearly caused me to wreck
my car – which would have seriously ruined my Anniversary moment. Today
is hard enough to deal with in this, my new life - without the love of my life; without LOUD and OBNOXIOUS governmental shit crashing my solo
journey party >:-P (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/08/when-we-married-in-1974.html)
On a lighter note, the drive went
pretty well: despite it’s shaky start &
end. When I pulled out of the carport, I prayed, “Help me, Yeshua. Please get
me to Kalama and back safely. I love You; thank You.”
I didn’t cry. Not even once: and THAT was a
good thing – especially heading for the freeway ;-)
When I pulled back into the carport at home, I could almost feel Bob smiling - and I could almost hear him say, "I'm proud of you, Baby: I always knew you could do whatever you set your mind to doing."
Today, I made the short trip from home to Kalama; and back. Next time, I'll try to go a little further - like the opposite direction to Toledo: there's a little store I like there; and I have some friends who want me to join them at the lake there ... I've been procrastinating; because of the freeway drive; but once I get there, I can backtrack home on the back roads, like I did today.
My 1st Freeway venture since widowhood. The riverside drive along the Carrolls Channel part of the freeway, went okay - I was a little nervous, but not bad; I took the freeway because the backroad was was a little sketchy in my memory at the moment ... the possibility of getting lost getting TO Kalama on the back roads was a real possibility. I was reasonably certain, that with landmarks, I could find my way home on them on the WAY BACK FROM Kalama.
The Lucky Dragon Restaurant. Downtown Kalama - about as long as Cathlamet; a 5 minute walk.
Interior of Lucky Dragon restaurant. Bob & I have been coming here on our Anniversary for decades. The food is good, and the Chinese family that owns/run it are excellent people to know as friends.
Instead of backtracking home from Kalama on the freeway … I took the long way home, on the old highway. Thank You, Yeshua, for refreshing my memory :-D
A short stretch of the back road runs parallel to the freeway. I am remembering - no fears about how to get back home.
Totally dusted out the car on this stretch of the back road. Bob would be laughing, and saying, ‘You would have to pick a road crew day to take this way home'. Kalama is putting in a roundabout. I hate those things! Bob would know another way home ... I don't. Yet: my memory may eventually be jogged, in that respect ;-)
I took the old highway/back road through Carrolls, where a dead free-range chicken lay in the middle of the roadway ... apparently someone's chicken strayed too far from home turf and got hit:
... drove past the Rose Valley Road, and crossed the freeway into Longview - where the screeching started. I turned off, by the Toyota Dealership, and was so shook up by then, I decided that even though Industrial Way would be insanely busy at that time of day; it may be THE SAFEST PLACE TO BE at that particular time: it would be busy with semi's, but it would not be as insanely frantic as downtown Longview.
So, that is what I did - I drove Industrial Way and crossed over to Mount Solo Road, onto Ocean Beach Highway; which dropped me off at home base.
I felt like kissing the ground when I finally parked my car!
Instead, I ate my Supper ;-)
The Supper I picked up at the Lucky Dragon: Lemon Chicken; Fried Rice; Fried Shrimp w-Sauce; & a Spring Roll. I really missed Bob, and Bob's meal add-ons ... I didn’t eat a lot of his stuff because our tastes were vastly different (he like SPICY); what I missed the most was HIM – and the sharing action.
After Supper, I figured out how to turn that damned Amber Alert app OFF. NO MORE screeching - and no more near heart attacks on the road brought on by the screeching ...
Wedding Night - 9 p.m., August 27th,1974 at Judge Tom Hall's house in Skamokawa. It was a Tuesday. It was sweltering hot. Gerald Ford had moved up from Vice President to President of the USA after Nixon was implicated in a Constitutional Crisis and forced out of Office.
There was a lot going on in the world that day.
But in our small corner of the world, my mind was focused on finishing up my work shift at the Nursing Home; doing a quick change of clothes at my parent’s house, and picking up the Marriage License at the Court House. My mother had signed the permission waiver for me to get married back in July; she had to legally sign because I was legally underage … and Bob was legally a grown man. He was 24. She signed because she knew I would simply leave and go live with Bob if push came to shove – and Bob was glad she signed because he loved me & wanted me with him; and he could legally have been jailed if push came to shove, and my parent’s started asserting their parental angst: regardless of if what we were doing was consentual or not. And I WAS CONSENTING; I loved Bob. I just wanted to be with Bob – and if getting married was the way to do it without upsetting everyone; or getting Bob arrested – then I would get married. These things don’t matter today … but in 1974, they mattered: what we were doing was a big deal. Everyone – Bob, the parent’s, the Law wanted us married asap. So, I was picking up the Marriage License after work.
Then I walked down to Bob’s house to get Supper underway before the work crummy (a work van) pulled into his driveway – Bob was working for Durrah & Martin Logging Co. Inc., and drove the crew to work, and back home again, every morning.
We had bought our Wedding Bands one hot, sultry night in July; Bob was really pushing for marriage, and I finally caved ;-)
The reason Bob was so persistent was not only because of our age difference (which was a big deal in the 1970’s), but also because of an incident earlier that day, that had him worried. I was just finishing up my shift at work – I worked in the kitchen; and Jerry, one of the guys on staff, was hanging around the kitchen that day: I knew he wanted to ask me out, and I didn’t know how to turn him down without hurting him (I never had so many bees buzzing around me before! It was unnerving). He really was a nice fella, and if Bob wasn’t the man meant for me specifically, I would have gone out with Jerry. But, I was actively dating Bob. I LOVED Bob.Just as I was about to clue Jerry in … Bob showed up. His timing was perfect, as always. The two sized each other up: Bob not happy to see another bee buzzing around his flower, and Jerry was not happy to see, Bob at all – he wasn’t aware that I had been dating anyone; but seeing my eyes light up and sparkle when Bob came into view, clued him in. And Bob’s self-confidence, backed up by his sheer height and bulk, backed him down – he didn’t want to go toe-to-toe with the love of my life. I left with Bob, changed clothes, and we booked for Longview, where we ate pizza at Pietro’s & washed it down with a lager. And later on, we bought our wedding rings while strolling Commerce in Longview, where Bob pulled me to a stop before the big display window of Zale’s Jeweler’s Shop (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/08/he-said-id-like-to-make-it-with-you.html), before we headed back to Cathlamet. I STILL was not sure marriage was a good idea, but I WAS SURE I LOVED BOB and wanted to go through life with him. ONLY HIM. I prayed our marriage would be happy, secure, and long … I had never seen a happy, faithful, or lasting marriage: and THAT is what scared me about marriage. I did not want Bob & I to end up hating each other, like other married people end up doing.
Bob’s 1st marriage had JUST ended weeks earlier, for Pete’s sake!
But Bob assured me that would never happen with us – Bob told me that he knew, the night before he married Gloria, that he shouldn’t marry her … but, he felt obligated to go through with it (this was 1968 & the nuptials had been printed on the Society’s Page of the Oregonian; he felt trapped): he also told me that he had no such misgivings where I was concerned – I never held him to marriage … and I think that was what appealed to him, really: I just loved him, with or without a permanent tie; and the 2 plain gold bands – my choice – were safely tucked away in their white Zale’s Jeweler’s boxes in the top dresser drawer in Bob’s bedroom. They were just waiting to get slipped on our fingers.
My wedding band; and the 1974 Zale’s Jeweler’s box – does keeping that 45 year old box make me a ‘hoarder’? ;-)
A year ago, I asked Bob to cut the ring off my finger because I was gaining so much weight during my menopause years, that it was seriously cutting into my finger. I told him "we know we're married - a ring is just a ring; but I NEED my finger." He agreed. Bob had lost his ring in the hills of Glenoma, WA decades ago, when he was logging - he got so sick that Winter, that it literally fell off his hand and fevered, he didn't notice it was gone for days ... by then, it had been trampled into the muck and was gone forever. We didn't need rings to know - or to show - that we were married.
When Bob got home, he and Ralph were sitting in the driveway on folding chairs, enjoying the river breeze after a hot day in the stifling woods; I feasted my eyes on Bob before handing him a cold beer, and sat down on the edge of the front porch. Bob thanked me with a wink, snapped the cap off his beer; took a long swallow, flashed me his 100-watt sexy smile, and asked, "Did you get it?"
I said, "Yep." And snapped the cap off my beer.
Bob took another sip of his beer, and asked, "Would you like to get married tonight?"
Apparently, Bob didn’t want to wait any longer than necessary to slip that little gold band on my little finger ;-)
I smiled, and said, “Sure. Tonight would be fine.” Getting married would put the period at the end of the sentence in the narrative that had become our daily life – and the parents (both sets) could start breathing easier. We had, since May, been acting like a married couple: in every way. The only difference was that I went home every midnight, at curfew; so the digital alarm was always set for 11:30 p.m., to make sure I was walking through my parent’s door promptly at midnight. I was only 17; and my parents were very strict about that. They weren’t idiots, though – they knew what was what between Bob & me. And Bob’s parents weren’t stupid either – Bob’s mom just hated me, and wished I’d go away; Bob’s dad was worried for Bob … it was that 7 years age gap thingee, that had him concerned: it was a legal snafu.
Ralph was startled ... apparently Bob had not shared this news with his brother. So, stunned, Ralph excused himself and walked up to his house at the upper end of the family property.
Bob & I finished our beers: then we went into Bob's house to call the local Judge, Tom Hall, to ask if he could marry us that night: he could – at 9 p.m.
So, we ate Supper, softly laughing when we thought of our parent’s reactions when they heard what we were about to tell them after supper.
I called my sister to ask if she'd stand up with me: she would; and would meet us in Skamokawa at 9 p.m.
And Bob called his long-time friend, Bruce, to come stand up for him. Bruce lived in Longview – so 9 p.m. worked for him, too.
Then we called our parents' and told them that if they wanted to be at our wedding, they should meet us at Tom’s house in Skamokawa at 9 p.m.
Oh Boy! The parents' were p.i.s.s.e.d.! My mother was upset because I was ruining her big wedding plans she had set in place for September (her idea for my wedding, NOT mine) – and Bob’s mom was upset because it was now very clear that I wasn’t going to ‘go away’ after all.
It was a small gathering: the Hall family, Bob’s parents & my parent’s. Ramona, Bruce; my brother, Mahlon. David Almer, a friend was there (not sure to this day who told him what was happening, but he showed ;-)). Doug wasn’t there … and we really did not expect him.
We were both laughing. I was telling Bob, "This is your chance to escape - if you want to bolt, now is your opportunity." He laughed and said, "I'll stay by your side. Always."
I hadn't planned on having a Wedding Bouquet because I am allergic to flower pollen, but my stepfather grabbed me a bunch from a friend's flowerbed, as he & my mother were driving to Judge Hall's home in Skamokawa to witness our Marriage; so I used them ... and prayed they wouldn't screw up my Wedding Night - blowing my nose & wiping my eyes was NOT what I was looking forward to that particular night. LOL
Vows spoken - the Deal sealed - with a kiss of lifelong promises.
Mr. & Mrs. - a lifetime set in motion by about 10 minutes of vocal exchanges. Our lifetime lasted 44 years ... when"til death do us part" became our new life in different life realms.
Happy! And we were both fiddling with our rings ;-)
But, even though Doug did not come to our wedding, he was still a part of it: while we had been exchanging vows & signing on the dotted line …
…. he had, with shaving cream, sprayed "Just Married" on the truck doors & rigged a metal garbage can to fall out of the back-end of Bob's '56 Ford pickup at some point – and when it did, the racket it made when it hit and bounced along the blacktop; made us both startle. LMAO
Doug had also, at some point that night, put shaving cream & snus (snoose) between our sheets, and sprayed “Married” with shaving cream in big bold letters across one bedroom wall (misspelled, so that every time we saw the stain on the wall, we would start laughing):we eventually painted the walls.
THEN ... just to further prolong the inevitable (and looked forward to), Doug waited until we had cleared the icky sheets, remade the bed, and was getting comfortable between the sheets ... he reappeared, AND PERCHED ON THE DRESSER, LAUNCHING INTO A LENGTHY DISCUSSION on nothing in particular, while we were trying to pretend we had more than nothing in particular ON - he just perched there, wasting time, and trying to annoy us. I started giggling, because I KNEW what he was doing; and Bob finally - after 3 cigarettes - got irritated and asked, "Don't you have somewhere else to be?"
I still laugh when I think of what an imp Doug was being on our Wedding Night; Bob won me, for sure ... but Doug wasn't going down without making himself felt ;-)
And later on, around 2 a.m., I woke up - glanced at Bob’s digital clock – and jumped out of bed like I’d been tased, saying, “Bob! Get up! Oh, man … I am in SO much trouble! Crap! Crap! CRAP! I missed curfew big time – the 11:30 alarm didn’t go off. We are so screwed …” I was running around the bedroom, snatching clothes and yanking them on, when Bob groggily sat up: AND STARTED LAUGHING. I said, “This is nothing to laugh about Bob! We’re in big trouble.” Bob reached out and pulled me down next to him, and said, “Relax, honey. We got married tonight, remember?”
I must have been more tired than I thought, to forget getting married. LOL But, in my defense, we didn’t have a fancy wedding … and I had never spent the night in Bob’s bed before (hours, yes; but not the night): I was always walking through the door at my parent’s home at exactly midnight, so when I woke up next to Bob at 2 a.m., I was momentarily confused.
It was a new experience ;-)
I slipped back into bed, snuggled against my husband, and we managed to get another hour of sleep before Bob had to get up and go to work at 3 a.m.
Every night following, Bob was finally able to get a full night’s sleep before starting his long work days. He was no longer sleep deprived ;-) He was a happy guy in every way: he had his Queen Bee safely in his hive - a wife who loved him, and practically worshiped him: LOL; a clean house to come home to/relax in, after work; good meals on the table when he came home (if he stopped for drinks with the guys after work, getting home late, he got a burger wherever he was); laundry done-folded-and put away every Friday without fail; and, he could finally sleep the nights through without the midnight curfew interruptions. We were both happy - we both knew we had a GOOD THING happening in our life :-D
And we laughed about those 2 Wedding Night events for 44 years.
The song, ‘You’re Having My Baby’, by Paul Anka, was the top song of 1974 … and that was the news we were facing by the end of September 1974: our “honeymoon baby” daughter, Stacey had, between our Wedding Night and the end of the first week of September, been conceived.
She would have arrived sometime in June ... but I got impatient, and hurried her arrival a bit ahead of schedule ;-)
And all I can think now, is that I wished I had agreed to have those other 5 children Bob wanted – there would be more of him walking around today.
There are some, Scripture tells us, who are nonredeemable.
Scripture tells us that such people will put themselves forward as having been saved, and when found in open and damning sin will claim ‘saved by grace’. In reality, these people have never been saved at all.
Then, there are some, like todd bentley, who are simply demon possessed to the point of exampling Lucifer in every way possible.
Todd Bentley has always been a heretic.
Those who have eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart for Yeshua KNOW that: we have NEVER been hoodwinked.
todd bentley is the type of {prophet} and {minister} the vineyard ministries CULT pimps.
But, he IS NOT a Christian – never has been … never will be; because he CHOOSES NOT TO BE.
Like everyone connected to the vineyard movement, bentley loves the attention, plays to the crowds, preaches that sin is okay, and spreads a different gospel.
And YET, there are many, MANY “pastors” coming to his aide, claiming his past is why he is acting out in hellish ways.
THERE IS NO EXCUSE!
Anyone, with a clear and Godly understanding of Scripture would UNDERSTAND that when a person IS SAVED, they are A NEW CREATION IN CHRIST – that means, that THEIR PAST NO LONGER CONTROLS THEIR LIFE: their life NOW BELONGS TO CHRIST … and THEY HONOR YESHUA WITH THEIR LIVES. I had a very bad childhood: every type of abuse imaginable happened to me. When I chose to believe in - and follow Yeshua - I never looked back! I never allowed what happened to me to control my life: my life wasn't mine anymore - my life belonged to Yeshua: I would HONOR HIM WITH IT. I never engaged in pity parties, or used my past to manipulate people. BECAUSE I UNDERSTOOD THAT WAS WRONG.
To continue to indulge the flesh, to continue to put forward a victim mentality, to continue to live a demonic lifestyle IS NOT A SAVED EXAMPLE!
Years ago, when Bob got a wrong diagnosis ... I went home and bought 2 cemetery plots in Eden Valley Cemetery.
The diagnosis was wrong - we didn't need the plots after all.
Last August 30th, Bob got another diagnosis: this one wasn't wrong: the plots were needed now.
A few weeks ago, I bought the other 2 plots in the cemetery block where we had the first 2 ... we now own all 4.
There is plenty of room for a fancy stone bench.
But I think I will take a blanket with me instead, on those days I go visit Eden Valley, in the future - where Bob was laid to rest by his parents, the first few years of his life; and his earthen vessel's final resting place, 6 days from now, by me, his wife.
A blanket on the ground would mean more to my Kentucky hillbilly boy than a fancy stone bench.
We had many memorable moments on a blanket on the ground in our early days.
There will be plenty of room for a blanket on the ground: it fits the memories.
A blanket on the ground would make the visit more fitting ;-)
You know, when Bob was in OHSU - and we knew he wouldn't be coming back home: he hung on for my sake.
Even then, Bob was standing by me.
Because he knew that when he left, I would be alone.
A.L.O.N.E.
If you have never been cast adrift, you have no idea how vast, deep, dark, and downright scary "alone" can truly BE. I have never been comfortable in water anyway … so this {testing the waters} experience really was uncomfortable on every level.
There would be no family standing with me. Love is more than a four letter word uttered out loud; they have no real conception of what love means. In most families, family members love "no matter what": our families (parents, siblings, & extending relatives) never got that memo. Of course, our families came into being around the same time the fuck everyone and everything mindset in American took root, and THAT could explain the disinterest and severe cohesive family dysfunction (both branches of the familial tree). I mean ... they aren't even really {there} for themselves half the time!
There would be no children standing with me. They are society's children, really. We birthed them ... but they fully gave themselves over to society's rearing: they have NO IDEA what love is and have no desire to pursue it; they are happily lost in their midlife anger, carried over and nourished from their teenage angst's. They are miserable 50 & 45 year old's intent on making everyone feel as miserable as they intend to stay. I will get NO comfort from them. Everything in their world centers around them and their angst's.
There would be no grandchildren standing with me. They were raised with their parents' prejudices and biases. Refer to previous notation above.
Friends were far and few between. And I am thankful for every one of them! But, unlike family, they are not obligated to love you. Friends love ... and stick ... because THEY LOVE. And they CHOSE to stick. Friends can teach family members a lot. MPO
We were not members of any particular fellowship; so the church would not be standing with me. If it had not been for the hospital chaplains doing alternating room visits, Bob wouldn't have been visited by ANY spiritual leadership at all! And I did call - and requested at least 2 Chaplains call - the "pastor" of the fellowship we had been frequenting FOR 3 DECADES ... and that man NEVER CAME: he didn't even call - or send a message via Chaplain. I did get angry; but in the end, I gave it over and sicced Elohei on the bum. It was inexcusable - let him try to excuse his behavior to The One he claims he serves. Just sayin'. Bob had GOOD Hospital Chaplains (and even 1 Orthodox Rabbi making rounds in the ER Ward) come to see him, and talk with me - I appreciated very one of them, and I KNOW they will be blessed mightily for how they helped us in those hard months - in both hospitals, in both States.
Bob was my anchor.
And he loved me; he was worried about me being left alone. He said to me one time, "It must be hard on you - to lose everyone you ever loved. I'm sorry Honey." Bob had been with me for 44 years: he had watched me lose LOTS of people in my lifetime - for one reason or another: and he knew how those loses affected me; I loved those people. Their loss was very painful to me.
Bob knew he was my safety net during times of severe loss.
And now, he too, would be leaving me. It couldn't be helped. It couldn't be avoided. It was hurting both of us.
Bob knew I was capable of standing on my own ... and he knew I would BE able to stand alone - he told me that in November 2018; but he also knew that until the crippling effects of being alone stopped affecting me, being alone was going to be a very BIG HILL for me to get across and over.
So he hung on. Longer than necessary.
For me.
Until I was strong enough to say, "Babe, PLEASE. I love you; I can't stand to see you suffer - PLEASE GO. Go Home: I will be okay. Really. I will. I know that you will always be with me - standing by me. When I have Yeshua, and you, standing with me every hour of every day, I will never be alone."
We prayed. We kissed. We held hands. We conversed with his medical team daily, together. We prayed. We listened to the Southern Gospel music he liked. We kissed. We held hands. We prayed.
I cried when he slept. I slept when he was getting tests run.
We were both dealing with our own {aloneness} - alone.
Facing physical death - even when someone you love is with you ... is something you have to do alone.
Facing the eventual physical loss of someone you love is something you have to do alone.
And when that last breath is expelled; you realize that you - are, now & forever more: alone.
From December 14th, 2018 to the middle of March 2019, I was never able to fully grieve. There were TOO MANY LEGALITIES that needed to be attended to - and I needed to be fully alert, because whatever was decided during those months would literally be set in stone forever. I couldn't afford to be dealing with brain freeze.
Thank God, Yeshua & Bob were looking down on me and standing by me! I could not have made it through those months otherwise.
Everyone kept telling me "I really admire your strength Val - you are a rock."
They didn't see the hairline fractures.
They didn't know that when the daily downtown business was done, and I came home, I literally - physically - shook for hours; like I was standing on an active fault line.
Sometimes, in tears, I would call my SIL, Merry, and ask her to pray for me when I was missing Bob real bad: but that didn't happen very often because I hated to be a bother to people, in general.
Sometime in April, after all the legal business had pretty much been settled, the dam burst; and all that grief that been backed up broke loose.
Bob had by then, been absent from my life - from all of our lives - 4 months. And they had all seen me being "a rock". Life was going on for them while mine had come to a screeching halt - in every way possible. I had lost more than just my husband's physical presence in my life - I HAD LOST EVERYTHING; love, purpose, sense of direction, our entire life together changed drastically/legally ... there was NO place in my life that had not been severely altered.I didn't even recognize my own life anymore!
I was alone with my paralyzing grief: unimaginable waves of grief assailed me and washed over me ... knocking me off balance and tossing me around in a vicious sea of loss and heartache. EVERYTHING I COULD NOT DEAL WITH when having to deal with legal business washed over me; and I felt like I was drowning. My heart was squeezed, my thoughts were a tangled mess, I couldn't breathe, I could barely stand upright.
For the next 4 months, I would be emotionally, and spiritually tossed about in those battering waves of grief that tore at me, and bashed me against the rocky realities of life I had never faced before, alone. My anchor was no longer here. I was a ship without a rudder; cast adrift to weather the storms of life without a shipmate. Without an anchor. Every time I managed to rise above the assaulting waves, a gale force wind would rise up and push me back down under the weight of the tumultuous waves.
And I became a fighting bitch ... not because I wanted to be a fighting bitch - but because I kept being put in a fighting bitch situations. The waves were unrelenting. I had been so focused on being strong for Bob that I had seriously eroded my own health. My health was further damaged by the ensuing legal battles that followed. By the time the sneaker waves assaulted me and greedily sucked me out to the sea of despair, I was seriously in the fight for my life. AND THAT IS WHEN people started taking advantage of the situation.But, as usual, those people seriously misread the situation. I WAS weak - but I wasn't DYING: I still had plenty of fight left in me. So, I rose, like a legendary wraith - tired of being held down, and ready to rumble: if they wanted trouble, trouble had a Name: V.A.L.
I was morphing back into the person I was before Bob kinda-sorta tamed me with his love. I recognized the old me right away; everyone else was caught off guard because they had NEVER SEEN that side of me. Ever. She had been buried 44 years ago. But she was always there. And when pushed to fight, she will always come to the surface, ready to take a stand and defend her ground ... I wasn't (and still am not sure) whether to be glad or a little frightened that she has been resurrected. At this point, I am just letting happen whatever will happen - they awoke her: let them deal with their choices. If they see me bearing down on them, they better damned well get out of the way; or be mowed over. I am done with being taken advantage of by bullying tyrants: or just plain ignored, like my life doesn't matter; both of those actions are NOT OKAY with me. Bob would not have stood for it. And I won't either.
So, to survive, I became a fighting bitch. I don’t particularly LIKE that side of me ... but, at this point in time, I don't mind making her acquaintance again - if that is what it will take to wake people up, make them sit up, and make them behave.
Thank God, Yeshua & Bob were looking down on me ... and saw that I was in troubling waters. They UNDERSTOOD the situations and the position I was forced into ... and stood by me! I could not have made it through those months otherwise.
Where for 8 months I have lived in a dark and scary landscape, unfamiliar and very hostile: I made it through the midnight labyrinth scenarios, and can now see - howbeit, dimly - and I am standing up again; never to fall down again, so help me God.
