A STRONG FOUNDATION

Last night while praying and seeking Elohei’s guidance in the days ahead, I specifically asked for wisdom and discernment because those things are what I will need the most while making decisions in the moment or for long term solutions.

And today while waiting for the 10 a.m. ‘phone appointment’ from the Social Security Administration, I again sought Elohei’s guidance, mercy, and judgment on my behalf. I always turn to Scripture for comfort and encouragement before placing one foot in front of the other.

Elohim has given us a choice concerning the foundation on which we build our lives. We can follow our own desires and shroud ourselves in our feelings … or we can embrace His eternal principles revealed in the guidelines of Scripture and follow Yeshua’s example. I choose to embrace holy principles and follow in the footsteps of Yeshua.

And yes, it has cost me to make that choice.

Nevertheless, I place my feet on the solid rock, which is Mashiach Yeshua – and I stand: safe and secure; knowing that the rock on which I stand is a solid and sure foundation that will never be shaken or crumble under pressure. All other ground is quick sand that will slowly but surely suck me under and eventually smother me to death.

I acknowledge today – as I have since the day I was saved in the summer of 1968 – that Yeshua is my sure foundation. All my hope and security is in Him. Social Security is not my provider. Yahweh Yireh is my provider. Yahweh is Creator, and Yahweh is another name for Yeshua. Yireh means Adonai will provide. Yeshua is Lord (aka Adonai), therefore HE will provide for me. Adonai is the plural form of Adon, which means “Lord, Lord, LORD – master and owner”. Adonai equates the Triune Godhead, better known as Elohei.

Isaiah 33:2-6 – O Adonai, be gracious to us! We wait for You. Be our strength every morning and our salvation in time of trouble. The peoples flee the thunder of Your voice; the nations scatter when You rise. Your spoil will be gathered as if by locusts; like a swarm of locusts men will pounce on it. Adonai is exalted, for He dwells on high; He has filled Zion with justice and righteousness. There will be times of security for you – a storehouse of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge. The fear of Adonai is Zion’s treasure.

AFTERNOTE: Social Security was 5 minutes late on their “appointment phone consultation”, BUT YESHUA CAME THROUGH FOR ME! My monthly income will be pretty close to what Bob was receiving … if not MORE; so I am doing the happy dance right now :-D I can meet my monthly bills without sweating and dreading the payouts, and I have breathing room to take care of the things that need tending to after the bill collectors have been satisfied … like getting a plumber and plasterer in here to fix and repair what is falling apart because the previous owner of this house did nothing to the house at all (repair-wise) after they bought it 23 years ago, so things are starting to age, break down, and need replacing. I can do that now. A little at a time, with no serious financial strain ;-)

CROCHET BABY RIPPLE AFGHAN

This baby ripple afghan uses a simple dc stitch throughout. It works up fast and looks good when finished ;-)

Since I am making donation items for the local hospital – and some of those items being for babies and children, I try to make them fun and colorful. Being in the hospital is no fun for anyone, but for babies and children too young to understand what is happening to them, I thought a little color and fun yarn would be cheering and brighten their world up some.

I am posting the original pattern as originally written. But for my baby blanket, I chose to use worsted weight Bucilla yarn in Off White for color A, and offset that color by using up the 4 skeins of 2 oz. Bernat Dippity Dots yarn (Lavender, Turquoise, Pink & Yellow) that I had in my yarn stash to equate the ounces required in the original pattern for contrast colors. I like the outcome and I think the recipient will too :-D

CROCHET BABY RIPPLE AFGHAN

Finished afghan measures approximately 36” x 38”

Materials: Worsted Yarn – 8 ozs. (Color A), 4 ozs. (Color B), & 4 ozs. (Color C); Crochet Hook, size H (or size you need to obtain guage)

Gauge: 1 rpt of pattern (17 sts) = 4-1/2 inches

              4 rows = 3 inches

Pattern: With a, ch 140 for lower edge.

A Stripe: Row 1 (right side): Work 1 dc in 5^th ch from hook, 1 dc in ea of next 6 ch, 3 dc in next ch, 1 dc in ea of next 7 ch, *skp 2 ch, 1 dc in each next 7 dc, 3 dc in next st, 1 dc in ea of 7 ch*; rpt from * to * 6 more times, skp 1 ch, 1 dc in last ch. Ch 3, turn.

Row 2: Skp first 2 dc, working in back loop of ea dc work 1 dc in ea of next 7 dc, 3 dc in next dc – center of group of 3 dc – 1 dc in ea of 7 dc, *skp 2 dc, 1 dc in ea of 7 dc, 3 dc in next dc – center of group of 3 dc – , 1 dc in ea of 7 dc*; rpt from * to * 6 more times, skp 1 dc, work 1 dc in top of turning ch, working off last 2 loops of dc with color B to change color; fasten off color A. NOTE: Turning ch 3 counts as 1 dc.

B Stripe: Row 3: With B, work as for row 2 to within 2 dc of end; skp next dc, 1 dc in top of turning ch, do not change color.

Row 4: Work as for row 2, working off last 2 loops of last dc with color C instead of B to change color; fasten off B.

C Stripe: Row 5: With C, work as for row 2 to within 2 dc of end; skp next dc, 1 dc in top of turning ch, do not change color.

Row 6: Work as for row 2, working ff last 2 loops of last dc with color A; fasten off C.

Continue pattern as established above, continuing work as follows – *2 rows A, 2 rows C, 2 rows B, 2 rows A, 2 rows B, 2 rows C*; rpt between * to * twice more; then work 2 rows A, 2 rows C, 2 rows B, 2 rows A: 25 stripes in all. Fasten off and weave in loose ends.

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After the afghan was finished, I started working on stretchy knit rib baby hats to be donated also. I will post the pattern for the baby hat when I have completed them. These knit hats are little … but they take time to make 1 hat … lots of straight work time. Now that I am a widow, I have lots of time; but for young mothers and women that work a 9 to 5 job, time is of the essence, so plan your day accordingly when you decided to work 1 up:

MASTER TOILET DOMINATED THE DAY

This morning Merry came by to help me reopen Bob’s Cremains Box and retrieve 2 teaspoons of cremains to put in my little Urn; so now when I kiss it goodnight, his essence is actually IN it, and I am comforted. I was very upset 2 days ago when when I opened my little Urn and saw that there was no ash in it: (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/02/i-dont-know-how-much-more-i-can-stand.html).

Then Alex came up from Salem around noon today to fix the leaking master bathroom toilet – it started acting up since January and BIL Kerry did come and then (http://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/01/it-comes-in-threes.html): but that was only half the issue, because of course, nothing in this house ever makes itself completely known all at once - it kind of drags things out and keeps the frustration boiling; the master toilet has been kicking on and off throughout the day and night, leaking water and being a noisy nuisance; so Alex came up to help alleviate this half of the ongoing master toilet issue. But the darn thing dominate the entire day and again the problem was not able to be fixed completely; we drove into town to get the pieces needed to fix the problem and spent 4 hours after we got back home trying to locate the water shut off valve, which we never did find. We searched all the exterior under-house access panels to no avail: there are 3 of them … one under the front porch – I pulled all wintered-over-geraniums out so he could crawl in there and take a good look:

He searched the one at the rear of the house under the carport, and one under the back door porch under the carport ….

Alex crawled into them all with his Spotlight flashlight and could not see the water shut off valve anywhere, so we are assuming it is somewhere in the middle under the house which would be a pretty stupid place to have it because they are supposed to be fairly close for easy access in case of a burst waterline situation. But for whatever reason, this one is hiding. Back inside the house, Alex did fix the noisy leaking issue, but the shut off application knob on the waterline that comes up through the floor and feeds into the toilet tank has a 20+ plastic knob on it, and it is stripped and starting to leak water – not good for the floor or the baseboard. Very frustrating because we can't stop the leaking onto the floor until someone can crawl under the house to locate that stupid water shut off valve. So I am going to have to call a plumber and get one out here to crawl under the house and find the shut off valve it so we can shut the water off to fix the leaking. Not looking forward to that expense :-(

I am way past ready for things to start settling down around here.

After Alex packed up his tools and left, I ate dinner and finished up the double crochet ripple afghan I started Thursday afternoon. I had some skeins of Bernat Dippity Dot yarn, so I decided to use that to make a fun, colorful little afghan for the hospital donation foundation. It turned out real nice. I will post the pattern later on, after I type it up:

And around 8 p.m. this evening, I started work on a stretchy rib baby hospital hat also destined for the local hospital donation foundation when it is finished. It has been a while since I knitted in the round but I think it will turn out pretty well. I should have it done tomorrow …

                                                                             

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN STAND

I am not going to survive Bob's graduation.

Honest to God.

My heart just had a serious workout and my mind went full tilt while I wailed like a wild woman - anyone walking past the house would have heard me and probably called the booby hatch for an immediate pickup.

I don't know what prompted me to look inside my tiny Urn this morning, but I picked it up, unscrewed the lid and looked inside ... NO ASH! It was empty.I have been kissing an empty Urn every night before I go to sleep, thinking I was kissing my husband.

I know it sounds wacky.

But that is what I have decided to do every night to get through the nights without him beside me in the bed.

Anyway; when I saw the tiny Urn was empty, I went cold with shock, then I stared wailing thinking Merry and I had missed that little packet of cremains when we did the transfer February 14th, putting his cremains in his Cremains Box and filling each kids' & grandkids' tiny Urns, and a packet had been thrown in the trash with the rest of the packing refuse.

I was beside myself with shock, grief, guilt, and panic. Shock because my Urn was empty/grief because Bob is gone and I miss his presence more than I can put into words - and now I didn't even have any cremains ash to hang onto/guilt because I am still in a fog mentally and was not careful to make sure things got done carefully February 14th/and panic because it was possible 1 little packet had been trashed!

I was a wet faced, heart-thumping mess standing in the bedroom trying not to fly apart and mentally kicking myself.

When I finally calmed down and got a grip on my emotions, I called the funeral home and asked if they would look back in their records and tell me how many packets I had requested be set aside for the kids' and grandkids'. They checked and I as told I had asked for a count of 6.

IMMEDIATE RELIEF! Thank You, Yeshua!

I had asked for 6 little packets to be set aside ... Merry and I had filled 6 little Urns; but I been shipped 7 little Urns - confusion laid to rest. Guilt alleviated. Panic settled down. I started breathing easy again. I don't know why I was shipped 7 little Urns because we only have 2 grown children and 4 grandchildren, and I never intended to keep any cremains ash for myself. But I am glad now that I have the little Urn, which will be filled and later buried with my cremains in my Cremains Box when my time comes to be placed with Bob in Eden Valley. When Merry can get away and come over again, she will help me fill my little urn FOR SURE THIS TIME - reopening Bob's Cremains Box and removing 1 Tablespoon for me.

I am glad I opened my little Urn this morning and peeked inside. Even with the emotional upheaval; it would have been tragic to have found this out later on ... AFTER Bob's cremains had been laid in Eden Valley.

Please Elohiem! I don’t know how much more I can stand; and keep standing.

THE BOOK OF ROMANS ~Chapter 7

THE BOOK OF ROMANS ~Chapter 7

“Do you know, brethren – I am speaking to those who know something of the Law – that The Law rules a man’s actions only during his lifetime? Thus, by the Law, a married woman is bound to her husband while he is alive. Then, if the husband dies, The Law sets her free from him. Accordingly, if she married another man while her husband is still living, she would be called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, The Law sets her free and she would not be an adulteress if she married some other man.

My brethren, your situation is quite similar. Through the body of Mashiach, you are no longer under The Law, so that you may now belong to Another; yes, to Him Who was raised from the dead in order that we may bear fruit for Elohim. On the other hand, while we were living worldly lives, our sinful passions – aroused by what is sin under The Law – were operating in our bodies to bring a harvest of death. But now we are released from The Law, and having died to what held us in its grip, so we are free to serve Elohim in newness of spirit, and not in the old way according to the letter of The Law.

Now what shall we say? That The Law is sin? Not at all! But it was The Law that made clear my knowledge of sin. For example, I should not have been aware of covetousness if The Law had not said, ‘You shall not covet’. The Law gave sin occasion to express itself, and in my own case, it stimulated all sorts of covetousness. But without The Law, sin is lifeless.

There was a time when I, too, did not have The Law, and I was, so to speak, ‘alive’. Then The Law came to me and sin came to life – and I ‘died’. The very commandment which was intended to bring life, actually proved to be a sentence unto death to me. The commandment gave sin a chance, and sin deceived me and caused my death.

Again I say, The Law is holy – each commandment of it is holy and just and good. Was it this good thing that brought death to me? No, indeed! It was sin that did it, and the purpose was that sin might be recognized as sin. It brought death to me through something that was good, and thus through the good commandment sin becomes exceedingly sinful. We know that The Law is spiritual; it is I who is sensual, sold to the slavery of sin.

Therefore I am no master of what I do. I do things that I do not want to do. In fact, I do the very things that I hate to do. I acknowledge that The Law is right by the fact that I do what I do not want to do. It is not really I, myself, who am doing this, but sin that holds sway over me. For I know that in me – that is, in my flesh – there dwells nothing good. I sometimes want to do what is right, but do not have the power. Instead of doing the good that I want to do, I do the evil that I do not want to do.

But since I do not do what I want to do, it is sin that dwells in me that does it, and not I. This, then, is what I find. The Law works this way: when I want to do right, evil is present with me. In my inmost self I delight in the Law of Elohei. But in my body I see another law, one that conflicts with the Law of my mind, one that makes me a slave to the law of sin which is in my body.

What a miserable man I am! Who can free me from my own sinful body? I thank Elohim that it has been done through Adonai Yeshua Ha’Mashiach! Of myself, with my mind I am a servant of The Law of Elohei; but in my flesh I am slave to the law of sin.

**ROMANS 6: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/02/the-book-of-romans-chapter-6.html

KNIT BABY HOSPITAL HATS

Some of the little hats I have completed for the Hospital Donation Foundation

This pattern I used as a basic hat design is not my own – I did an internet search to find it. These knit hats are small, and easy to work up:

https://www.themakeyourownzone.com/knitting-newborn-hats-for-hospitals/

I changed the original top decreases a little to suit my work; MOD baby hat tops at the decrease row are worked differently than the original pattern with 2 rows of k I, p I ribbing and st st decreases finishing the last 4 rows.

MOD PREEMIE HOSPITAL HAT - back seam sewn up.

MOD PREEMIE HOSPITAL HAT - Front upward view. 

MOD PREEMIE HOSPITAL HAT - Top 'expandable' view.

MOD PREEMIE HOSPITAL HAT - Top down side view. 

Feeling the need to get back to designing as well as crafting to fight the loneliness I live with now, I switched from solid colored hats a day ago, and began to use texture again as well as color for hat variations … and though the first 2 variations are dark, the most current hat I just finished is brighter and more colorful as I used a nudibranch color scheme to work my design around.

The original pattern is simple and uses the basic stockinette stitch, but it is very easy to adapt using textured variations – pick a stitch pattern from your own pattern books, or go online to find an interesting one, and have fun:

MOD Textured striped Baby Hat I made for Hospital Donation Foundation.

Stitch Pattern I used for above brown striped Baby Hat

MOD Baby Hat I made for Hospital Donation Foundation. Patterned after a Nudibrach

MOD Baby Hat I finished up a few minutes ago for Hospital Donation Foundation. Patterned after a Nudibrach coloration. The lighting is bad today and I just could not get a good picture no matter how I shot it - the hat really is a very bright and colorful little hat like the nudibrach coloration below; this pic does not do it justice.

Nudibrachs are colorful little sea creatures smaller than a human fingernail. I have used their colorations in many of my past designs, and always sold out quickly :-D

Though I am not currently designing or crafting for profit - and don't know if I ever will again because Bob was the other half of my Bazaaring fun, it feels good to be designing again. And doing something constructive ;-)

MY EMOTIONAL GPS IS FILLED WITH STATIC

People keep asking me how my Valentine’s Day went.

How to answer that question?

It came … and went.

No big deal this year; just another day in another month in a new year with no particular importance in my life now. On any other Valentine’s Day I would have been woken up with kisses from my husband and I would have acted surprised when he presented me with a big fancy heart shaped box of chocolates assortment and a laughed through happy tears while reading the comical mushy card he would have given me too, always marveling that this handsome man so gentle and lovingly thoughtful could have favored me for 44 years with his unconditional and exclusive love.

That did not happen this year – and it will not happen ever again in the years to come.

My in-laws did call and drop by to wish me a “Happy Valentine’s Day!”, giving me hugs and kisses, candy and flowers; and I did appreciate the thoughts because it is not something I have ever gotten from them before. They are trying, and I am trying. To wish me to be "happy" on a day set aside for lovers while my lover is absent, and will forever be absent, was insensitive and highlighted a lack of comprehension on their parts ... but I really cannot fault them because they were following through on social graces and genuinely trying to cheer me up. And in doing so, they overlooked the fact that I will never have a “happy” anything ever again. They don’t understand – and won’t understand until they, personally, go through this heartbreak themselves. I gave them a graceful pass as Bob would have done.

And my sister and her husband dropped by to cheer me up … and that went flat in a hurry when she asked if I had given any thought to companionship again “because Bob would want you to go on with your life”: my emotional GPS was suddenly filled with static. I just looked at her and couldn’t believe what I was hearing! My husband had only been gone from my side for 2 months. My husband was my everything; and he will continue to BE my husband. Period. I am not interested in replacing him. EVER. I am 62 years old for Pete’s sake! The insensitivity is staggering. And what does she know about what my husband would want for me? ((((I)))) think ((((I)))) know best what is best for me and what my husband would have wanted. Bottom line is that I will do what I think for my life now that I am flying solo: no one else gets to decide. They may have opinions, but their opinions mean very little to me.

So.

That is how my “happy” Valentine’s Day 2019 went.

Family members try to embrace me in various ways, but they don’t know how to help me. I don’t know how to help me. They are trying to help me become my old self again.

But I can’t be that old self any more.

I have been introduced to a new emotion with a disturbing depth they do not yet know.

I have lived through too much since August 30^th, 2018.

Unwelcome grief has changed me at my innermost core of being.

I feel completely alone … despite being surrounded by people, either at home or in public. It’s not the kind of aloneness felt in situations of physical solitude – it’s the kind of aloneness that comes with unrelenting and aching sorrow felt at the absence of my husband’s presence in my life. It is hard to find purpose and a redirection for my life. I am trying to move forward, but I seem to be stuck in the middle of this road called life’s highway with no sense of direction. My emotional GPS is filled with static overload and I am lost. Purpose seems futile without him.

Since Bob went into ER August 30^th, and stepped off this planet earth on December 14^th, 2018, I have spent, and will spend every holiday alone. Not because people are excluding me, but because half of me is now gone from my earthly life forever.

An irreparable hole has been left in my being and it can’t be filled with platitudes and well wishes.

It can’t be altered when unsightly or hid away because it is an inconvenience to others.

Another cannot be patched in to repair the hole with a new version of what cannot be put back together again.

Every empty holiday during Bob’s agonizing hospital stays, and every holiday following his graduation to a higher living on a higher plane, reminded me … and reminds me of what I was losing and what I have lost – and prompts me to view each day I have left as precious in their own right. Holidays don’t seem that important to me anymore.

I don’t need to reminded by a ‘special day’ every month of any given year to prompt me to be kind or loving, and to show those emotions at every moment. I have lived my entire married life defusing petty differences, cherishing my loved ones, hugging, holding, kissing, and expressing love at any and every moment never knowing when it may be the last. Bob and I always understood that life could never be taken for granted. We never minced words or held back emotions.

And now that I am flying solo, Bob would want me to be brave, to live boldly and take risks worth taking. And Elohei will strengthen me and guide me through life’s choppy and treacherous waters.

The holidays are empty, but my life does not have to be.

I can make this sorrowful and sorrowing pain work for me by reminding me that I was deeply and passionately loved and am loved still. It reminds me that I experience the pain because I lived the joy. The memories keep my heart beating and activate my brain cells, pushing me forward in hope and infuse me with energy to face and embrace a new lobo life while honoring my husband and the life we shared.

It is okay to feel the emptiness as long as I don’t get lost in it; as long as I also embrace living and embracing the love that still surrounds me. Though that love that now surrounds me is not the same love my husband showered me with, it is still love and it is worthy of getting my attention.

It is important to make each day memorable and never waste a precious second.

We are all here for a reason.

Life is for living.

And someday my GPS won’t be filled with static.

Someday I will find my sense of direction again and my life will focus again on a purpose.