People keep asking me how my Valentine’s Day
went.
How to answer that question?
It came … and went.
No big deal this year; just another day in
another month in a new year with no particular importance in my life now. On
any other Valentine’s Day I would have been woken up with kisses from my
husband and I would have acted surprised when he presented me with a big fancy heart
shaped box of chocolates assortment and a laughed through happy tears while
reading the comical mushy card he would have given me too, always marveling
that this handsome man so gentle and lovingly thoughtful could have favored me for
44 years with his unconditional and exclusive love.
That did not happen this year – and it will not
happen ever again in the years to come.
My in-laws did call and drop by to wish me a “Happy
Valentine’s Day!”, giving me hugs and kisses, candy and flowers; and I did
appreciate the thoughts because it is not something I have ever gotten from
them before. They are trying, and I am trying. To wish me to be "happy" on a day
set aside for lovers while my lover is absent, and will forever be absent, was
insensitive and highlighted a lack of comprehension on their parts ... but I
really cannot fault them because they were following through on social graces
and genuinely trying to cheer me up. And in doing so, they overlooked the fact
that I will never have a “happy” anything ever again. They don’t understand –
and won’t understand until they, personally, go through this heartbreak themselves. I gave them a graceful pass as Bob would have done.
And my sister and her husband dropped by to cheer
me up … and that went flat in a hurry when she asked if I had given
any thought to companionship again “because Bob would want you to go on with
your life”: my emotional GPS was suddenly filled with static. I just looked at
her and couldn’t believe what I was hearing! My husband had only been gone from my side for 2 months. My husband was
my everything; and he will continue to BE
my husband. Period. I am not interested in replacing him. EVER. I am 62
years old for Pete’s sake! The insensitivity is staggering. And what does she
know about what my husband would want for me? ((((I)))) think ((((I)))) know best what is best for me and what my
husband would have wanted. Bottom line is that I will do what I think
for my life now that I am flying solo: no
one else gets to decide. They may have opinions, but their opinions mean very
little to me.
So.
That is how my “happy” Valentine’s Day 2019 went.
Family members try to embrace me in various ways,
but they don’t know how to help me. I don’t know how to help me. They are
trying to help me become my old self again.
But I can’t be that old self any more.
I have been introduced to a new emotion with a
disturbing depth they do not yet know.
I have lived through too much since August 30th,
2018.
Unwelcome grief has changed me at my innermost
core of being.
I feel completely alone … despite being
surrounded by people, either at home or in public. It’s not the kind of
aloneness felt in situations of physical solitude – it’s the kind of aloneness
that comes with unrelenting and aching sorrow felt at the absence of my husband’s
presence in my life. It is hard to find purpose and a redirection for my life.
I am trying to move forward, but I seem to be stuck in the middle of this road
called life’s highway with no sense of direction. My emotional GPS is filled
with static overload and I am lost. Purpose seems futile without him.
Since Bob went into ER August 30th,
and stepped off this planet earth on December 14th, 2018, I have
spent, and will spend every holiday alone.
Not because people are excluding me, but because half of me is now gone from my
earthly life forever.
An irreparable hole has been left in my being and it
can’t be filled with platitudes and well wishes.
It can’t be altered when unsightly or hid away
because it is an inconvenience to others.
Another cannot be patched in to repair the hole
with a new version of what cannot be put back together again.
Every empty holiday during Bob’s agonizing
hospital stays, and every holiday following his graduation to a higher living on
a higher plane, reminded me … and reminds me of what I was losing and what I have
lost – and prompts me to view each day I have left as precious in their own right. Holidays don’t seem that important to me anymore.
I don’t need to reminded by a ‘special day’ every
month of any given year to prompt me to be kind or loving, and to show those
emotions at every moment. I have lived my entire married life defusing petty
differences, cherishing my loved ones, hugging, holding, kissing, and
expressing love at any and every moment never knowing when it may be the last.
Bob and I always understood that life could never be taken for granted. We
never minced words or held back emotions.
And now that I am flying solo, Bob would want me
to be brave, to live boldly and take risks worth taking. And Elohei will
strengthen me and guide me through life’s choppy and treacherous waters.
The holidays are empty, but my life does not have
to be.
I can make this sorrowful and sorrowing pain work
for me by reminding me that I was deeply and passionately loved and am loved
still. It reminds me that I experience the pain because I lived the joy. The
memories keep my heart beating and activate my brain cells, pushing me forward in
hope and infuse me with energy to face and embrace a new lobo life while
honoring my husband and the life we shared.
It is okay to feel the emptiness as long as I don’t
get lost in it; as long as I also embrace living and embracing the love that still surrounds me.
Though that love that now surrounds me is not the same love my husband showered
me with, it is still love and it is worthy of getting my attention.
It is important to make each day memorable and
never waste a precious second.
We are all here for a reason.
Life is for living.
And someday my GPS won’t be filled with static.
Someday I will find my sense of direction again and
my life will focus again on a purpose.
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