I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN STAND

I am not going to survive Bob's graduation.

Honest to God.

My heart just had a serious workout and my mind went full tilt while I wailed like a wild woman - anyone walking past the house would have heard me and probably called the booby hatch for an immediate pickup.

I don't know what prompted me to look inside my tiny Urn this morning, but I picked it up, unscrewed the lid and looked inside ... NO ASH! It was empty.I have been kissing an empty Urn every night before I go to sleep, thinking I was kissing my husband.

I know it sounds wacky.

But that is what I have decided to do every night to get through the nights without him beside me in the bed.

Anyway; when I saw the tiny Urn was empty, I went cold with shock, then I stared wailing thinking Merry and I had missed that little packet of cremains when we did the transfer February 14th, putting his cremains in his Cremains Box and filling each kids' & grandkids' tiny Urns, and a packet had been thrown in the trash with the rest of the packing refuse.

I was beside myself with shock, grief, guilt, and panic. Shock because my Urn was empty/grief because Bob is gone and I miss his presence more than I can put into words - and now I didn't even have any cremains ash to hang onto/guilt because I am still in a fog mentally and was not careful to make sure things got done carefully February 14th/and panic because it was possible 1 little packet had been trashed!

I was a wet faced, heart-thumping mess standing in the bedroom trying not to fly apart and mentally kicking myself.

When I finally calmed down and got a grip on my emotions, I called the funeral home and asked if they would look back in their records and tell me how many packets I had requested be set aside for the kids' and grandkids'. They checked and I as told I had asked for a count of 6.

IMMEDIATE RELIEF! Thank You, Yeshua!

I had asked for 6 little packets to be set aside ... Merry and I had filled 6 little Urns; but I been shipped 7 little Urns - confusion laid to rest. Guilt alleviated. Panic settled down. I started breathing easy again. I don't know why I was shipped 7 little Urns because we only have 2 grown children and 4 grandchildren, and I never intended to keep any cremains ash for myself. But I am glad now that I have the little Urn, which will be filled and later buried with my cremains in my Cremains Box when my time comes to be placed with Bob in Eden Valley. When Merry can get away and come over again, she will help me fill my little urn FOR SURE THIS TIME - reopening Bob's Cremains Box and removing 1 Tablespoon for me.

I am glad I opened my little Urn this morning and peeked inside. Even with the emotional upheaval; it would have been tragic to have found this out later on ... AFTER Bob's cremains had been laid in Eden Valley.

Please Elohiem! I don’t know how much more I can stand; and keep standing.