SELF-CARE SURVIVAL

Every day since I was bumped from Wife to Widow has been an uphill climb in minute-to-minute survival. Widowhood is a traumatic experience with traumatic fallout that can be triggered in chaotic situations; no matter if one is a Christian … or not.

I’ve come a long way, but I know I still have a long way to go.

I can’t afford to let the energy vampires steal the joy Yeshua gave me with my sanctification.

Widowhood totally changes you in ways you never expected, don’t understand, can’t fully grasp, and have no idea how to explain: you don’t {get it} as the years pass – and others standing on the sidelines watching you make your way through your New Life journey, don’t get it either, but a few will have a lot to say to you about how you should ‘get it done’. These are the ones that will make an already difficult journey much harder to navigate. These are the ones that will lay hidden landmines designed to always keep you off balance, juggling self-doubts, and gasping for breath as their toxicity bleeds over into your tender new life endeavors.

They are miserable wretches that feed on your pain; and gleefully picking at your healing scabs.

They are people to avoid.

At all costs.

Without apology.

And sometimes they need to be given back to them a good dose of their own vile bile to swallow.

I can't afford stressful chaos in my life anymore - the way I handle stressful situations, now, has changed since 12-14-18.

Sometimes the toxic people have connections with other people in your life, and when the ties that bind are deeply intertwined … you have to cut ties with the whole lot to avoid a death by a thousand cuts coming from one source via the group. It is a survival thing – when your life has already suffered so much pain it is dangerously anemic from the bloodletting, your well-being can’t afford any more bloodshed: you are allowed to love from a distance, and still be graced by The Father 😊

When I dropped the bag off, I am sure ruth threw a tantrum when she got the gist of the message: she is an undisciplined cat with a catty attitude, and I was making sure she knew I was no longer engaging in her pathetic cat-and-mouse game of domination.

I don’t allow anyone to dominate me – this mouse eventually tires of the cat’s stupidity and will bite the paws that keep taking swipes at it.

I am a survivor.

I have survived more than the linquist’s can dish out – and if they were choking on their anger this morning, I don’t feel any regret for giving them the heartburn they deserve.

As I drove back through town, I was invited to join in some Father’s Day festivities; so, I did 😊

It was good to be in the company of people who welcome me, love me, include me, pray for me, support me, and try to understand me in the moment. Embracing the uncertainties of a New Life unfolding is not easy – sometimes it is downright uncomfortable. It is a blessing to have people in your corner cheering you on, picking you up off the mat – supporting your staggering weight – and setting you back on your feet again, with encouragements.

It is good to feel like a winner now and then 😉

LONGVIEW RESTART

I didn’t plan on going to a car show today – I didn’t know there was one happening.

I didn’t plan on leaving the house … for any reason; until I was prodded to do so around 9:30 a.m.; reaching my “prodded” destination by 11 a.m.

Foggy morning on Ocean Beach Highway; song in background – “May You Shine”

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxDnbrz98_w)

The morning was thick with heavy fog, down here on the lowlands: the fog lights were utilized. I drove cautiously through the shrouding blanket of fog; I nipped off Ocean Beach Highway (which was full of crazy drivers zipping in and out of traffic at speeds well above the posted limit IN FOG WHERE HEADLIGHTS COULD NOT BE SEEN UNTIL THE CAR WAS A SHORT LENGTH AWAY FROM YOUR CAR) and onto 42^nd Avenue; taking the back way to my destination.

I didn’t know what the upper roads looked like … but I thought they’d probably be a lot safer than Ocean Beach Highway. I was glad I took the high road 😉 I was immediately out of the fog, and driving on dry roads, free of crazy drivers, snow, and ice. The rest of the prodded route was stress free.

Leaving that prodded point of interest around 1 p.m., I decided to stop for lunch at Sizzler – and ran into friends there 😊

It is good to know, since I am sinking roots in Longview, that I have friends at every turn: no matter where I am, in Longview. Some friends live in Longview – some are far flung … but come to Longview at various times, for various reasons; and we run into each other all over town 😉

Aside from reconnecting with old friends, and making new friends – I am also starting to get involved in community things: tracking down a local Fellowship (or 2, or 3; all for different reasons); helping in a local Food Bank (I like doing that, and have missed helping); joining a crafting club (I enjoy handcrafts, and the companionship of crafters). These are a few ways to get involved in community, make connections, and stay abreast of what is going on in my small corner of the world.

Community involvement isn’t anything new to me – actively doing it in Longview, is.

Longview was always Bob’s “thing”: I was just along for the ride, so to speak. And since Bob’s spirit moved on to a higher level of living, I’ve been on drift – now, it’s time to sink roots/explore what Longview has to offer/start aggressively building a New Life, in old digs.

I’m no stranger to rebuilding a new life, either – I’ve had to do that practically all of my life of date: my life has had so many restarts, I can truthfully tell people that ask how I am doing, “I am at a new place in my life”. My 44 years with Bob was the only time my life was on a relatively steady level.

Bob was my anchor.

Bob’s love was my {home}.

But Bob is no longer here.

It's time to “get on with it”.

It’s time for another restart.

For the past 3 years, I’ve burned up the roads – east/west and north/south. I’ve had the house up for sale, and had to pull it again because Elohim always pulled the emergency break; to force me to put down roots, here, in a place I’d rather not be: but, I never argue with Elohim; He will allow me an occasional foot-stomp and pout … but when He says, “Enough, Val”, I straighten up and fall in line with His Plan. I don’t have to like the way He is bringing His Plan about – but I am wise enough to know (from past experiences) that His Plan is always the Best Plan for my life.

So, as I start another restart, I am starting with a lot of help from Yeshua, a little help from my friends … and no idea at all as to where it will lead; I’m just going with the flow.

Rollin’ With The Flow Song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbesKFHcRXs)

Leaving Sizzler, and driving towards home, I happened to see the lower end of Safeway’s parking lot filled with cars – obviously on display. So, I flicked my turn signal on, checked traffic on all sides of the Highlander … and then zipped across 3 lanes and into Safeway’s parking lot.

The Car Show was a small one: probably about 24 vehicles on display – but I was curious. Even though I was wearing a skirt and fancy girl boots, there is still enough tomboy in me, to stop and take a stroll among the ‘man toys’ 😉

These are the cars that caught my eye 😊

I like style. I like color. I like individuality.

There were newer models displayed, but I skirted past those: they didn’t appeal to me.

There was another muscle car that I liked, but I walked past it, too, without taking a peek at it: it was sporting the stars and bars flag – and I don’t waste my time on that nonsense.

The stars and bars flag mean National Division to me, and frankly MPO is that anyone who displays that flag hates what America stands for: unity, brotherhood, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, liberty, and freedom.

Some think the stars and bars stands for slavery, but that line of reasoning flies right out the window when taken into account what is happening in America, today, with obamanites forcing reverse racism on Americans, and doing their damndest to place American Patriots under barak hussain obama-backed-blm islamic rule; and The House demonrat communist slavery.

As far as I am concerned, the blm movement – as well as DC politicians are ALL under the stars and bars banner in their heart of hearts: despite what they say with their lying lips.

It was bright and sunny from West Side Highway to downtown Longview … but as I turned into Heron Pointe though, I was back under a fog cloud.

Given the current management of Heron Pointe Park, I think there could be an underlying message in that 😉

The only place in Longview with a lingering fog presence.

SHEDDING THE COCOON

As those of you who read my Blog knows, I’ve kicked around the idea of moving to a different locale practically since we moved here, to Heron Point.

Bob and I had barely had time to bring the house up to snuff and move in, when management changed hands; and I was a widow 18 months after purchasing this home at Heron Pointe.

I’ve talked to Shay several times these past 30 months about putting the house on the market – but each time, I’ve had to rescind the listings; she’s been very patient with me.

But this time I am going to follow through if I can get a house in the location I desire.

I own this home outright, but Lot Rent goes up $30/mo - every year; basically, for nothing but parking the car under the carport – what I am ‘allowed to do’ with the space my house sits on is very, very limited: I feel money paid for lot rent would be better spent in home ownership with a fixed mortgage rate than the continual $300/yr. increase without end in sight.

It’s just too restrictive here. 

If Bob were still here, I’d tough it out. 

But Bob isn’t here; and I hate being here alone. 

There is no logical reason to hang onto this house. 

My decision to sell and move has been carefully thought out this year; this time around, it’s been thought out without deceitful double-talk, confusing frustrations, or unrepentant heartache… but with more confidence.

Because it’s my decision.

I’m not working with anyone who is going to be setting me up with hidden agendas designed to knock me down: like I was before.

That’s all over.

This year, the decision I’m making – I’m making. 

By myself.

With confidence that it will be carried through to completion.

With the intent to carry it through to completion.

This year, this decision does not revolve around someone else’s schemes, schedules, wants, needs, or whims.

This time around, I’m focusing on my needs.

And this time … I’m making decisions based solely on what works for me: all the way around.

Actively and purposefully moving into my New Life.

There’s no one else I have to consider. 

There’s no one else I have to consult with. 

There’s no one else that I have to put myself aside for.

I intend to go through with my decision.

Bob instilled a lot of confidence into my life.

I need to stand on different ground.

I need to walk paths that lead to new people and new places.

I need to breathe life back into my life – somewhere else where the struggle won’t be so emotionally handicapping.

Of course, everything depends on Elohei: it will be satisfactory if that is Elohim’s Will.

This year, I have people in two counties supporting me, standing with me, praying for me, encouraging me, working with me, and working for me … so I feel this whole endeavor is a win-win situation this time.

I want to be where I – as a person, in my own right – is appreciated.

These people personally know me. 

They know where my thoughts run to.

They know my hopes, and heart’s desire – because we talk; we communicate.

We’re building a nucleus of community. 

They know that I’ll bring presence to their community; I’ll be an asset.

I’ll have purpose.

I’ll have a direction for my life.

I don’t have that here: in truth, I haven’t had that for quite a while – from anyone, for anything.

Though I did – a few months ago – think I could “make Longview my home” … and I honestly did try: in actuality, I am just existing in suburbia; doing my level best to {live} the life that swirls around me. 

I’m just going through the motions.

As much as I try, I am not really content with my “good life” – and it is a good one: Bob provided well for me, and aside from the basic monthly living expenses, my life is pretty good and carefree, all things considered.

However; without Bob in it … in this city that was always his dream, never mine … I am restless, unsettled, and underwhelmed: my life is still one huge question mark.

And no one can change this but me. 

My life needs a total rewrite. 

That rewrite needs an electrifying jumpstart.

I need to allow my journey to captivate me, and lead me into its full plan.

My life here, still revolves around the life I had with Bob here; no matter what I do to make this house my home … the fact remains that we bought this house, in this Park, as a couple: and Bob no longer shares my life with me. It doesn’t matter what small changes I make, inside or outside the house – it doesn’t matter how far I travel away from home base on sporadic daytrips; when I step back across the threshold – the house always reminds me that this used to be shared space. I still picture Bob throughout all the house. The house still echoes with his smiling, laughing, loving presence.

Clearly, if my new life is going to reach its full potential, I’m going to have to remove the solo lobo new life that holds promise of purpose … from the old life, where couple purpose has ceased.

This house used to hold promise.

And I do like it: there are so many windows, it's perfect for me – but where it is situated is not perfect for me. Bob's absence in it is not perfect for me.

Now this house just holds sorrowing memories warring with reined in anger and listless activity that serves no real purpose other than to be in constant motion to stave off the creeping acknowledgement of singleness where there used to be togetherness.

On the downside, when I slow down, and crawl into bed at night – I know that all the day’s activity was aimless; and I am acutely aware that the house is loud with the echo of silence.

On the upside, I am growing into my solo lobo life; and I am actually enjoying the unfettered freedoms to go where I want to go – whenever I want to go/eat what I want to eat – whenever I want to eat it/wear what I want to wear – without viewing my choices through secondary eyes/be friends with whoever I choose – without considering another opinion of said friends/do whatever I want to do with the house, inside and out – without agreeing on neutral ground.

But the house still trips me up. 

The house is parked in Longview.

I will always associate Longview with Bob; Longview was Bob’s dream location. For me, Longview is a major pain in the ass.

I tolerated living in Longview for Bob’s sake; now Bob lives beyond the clouds.

The house reminds me that Bob is missing from my life.

I’m excited about the prospect of moving to a different County.

I’m thrilled I have a strong cheerleading support squad. 

I’m also a little scared about the solo lobo undertaking. Bob always trusted me with the financial arrangements on our other home purchases, and I always depended on him to read the fine print so we wouldn't get shafted ... now I will be making a solo lobo transaction, hoping that I will understand the fine print without Bob's input: I do not want to unknowingly agree to a royal shafting.

But, I’m resolutely confident about it, too.

It’s a good feeling.

I am no longer in survival mode.

I no longer have one foot in each life.

I’m becoming more fully present in the “Now” realm of my dual life.

I fought hard for 30 months to find solid footing, and carry through with Bob’s “live, Val” request. At first, it was difficult trying to make progress forward in a life totally unrecognizable without Bob in it. Currently, it is getting easier – I find that the want to live again is not so hard to contemplate.

It’s time to fully embrace the changes and let my unfolding life get louder than the memories.

I need to make new memories that are only mine. 

I need to physically separate myself from the area we lived our life together for two decades.

I need to wake up to sunlight shining through windows with an unfamiliar view, in a room I entered for the first time – I need to hear raindrops tap dancing on a new roof of a new place I purchased myself, for myself; in a new locale I’m setting solo lobo roots deeply into.

I need to explore new roads/shop unfamiliar stores/eat in an unfamiliar quaint restaurant in an off-the-beaten-track town.

I need to have someone I do not know, break into my solitary thoughts and strike up an impromptu conversation with me ‘just because’.

I need to drink a glass of wine in the cool of an evening on my own porch, of my own house – and stare up at the night sky to marvel at the moon and stars … to the moderate tone beat of the boom box Bob bought me … without being restricted to city {quiet hours} between 7 AM and 9 PM. The only interruption I want to have intruding on my personal time is crickets singing – and frogs joining in, in harmony.

Time For A Cool Change: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JPLJk-UOHc

I need to leave this house; because without Bob physically in it – in all his 6’2” reality – it is no longer a home. I know myself. The only way for me to really move forward, without the love of my life in my life, is to permanently leave the place where we shared love and high hopes of a comfortable retired life.

Bob’s physical death displaced me from the only life I’ve known for most of my adult life.

It’s time now to stop trying to plug the hole in the shaky wall of the old life, and actively get busy building a newer, settled life.

With these realities foremost in the way I consider my new unfolding life, I think my emerging life will find a good {fit} in my hoped-for new locale.

So, that’s what I’m aiming for.

That’s what I’m getting involved in.

Hopefully, the next few months … will bring the results that I want.

And of course; as always, Elohei is in the details.

If He wants this thing to be “a go!” … it will be ‘a go’: it will go through as easily as the previous home buying episodes went.

With Elohim on my side, I can’t lose 😊 

So, that’s what I’m hoping as I shed my comfortable cocoon.

And, as my unfurling wings dry and strengthen; everything is on the table this year.

Everything.

People are praying “as the Spirit leads”.

We’ll see what Elohei deems {everything} to entail 😉

SUNDAY DEVELOPMENTS

Last week, I had bought some things in Scappoose that needed to be returned … so, I decided to return those things this morning 😉

I hit the road bright and early, because rain was in the forecast for some time around noon – the gray clouds over both states gave credibility to the forecast.

Coming into Scappoose, OR.

After I had returned the unusable items/replaced them with usable replacements, I turned the car towards home.

But my attention was snagged as I passed through St. Helens, and saw a sidewalk sandwich board set up by Great Clips Hair Salon, reading ‘Walk-ins Accepted”.

Passing thru St. Helens on my way home.

My hair has been looking a little shaggy, so, I made the turn into the parking lot; and walked in.

The girl told me that “Yes, we are accepting walk in’s … but, there is a 2½ hour wait.”

I just looked at her for about 5 seconds, before saying, “Your sandwich board is advertising that you are seeking walk-ins: a two and a half wait is not {walk in} business.”

She said, “Well, we do accept walk ins, but online appointments are preferred – and there are a few before you.”

That remark earned her another 5 second look. If they prefer online appointments, what is the point of sidewalk advertising?

But I was there, determining to live ‘in the moment’; and I had no where in particular to be: not then … not 2½ hours from then.

So, I took a seat and waited.

And got up occasionally to walk around and look at the various hair products for sale – which, no doubt is the real purpose behind the waiting: kinda like stores that put their ‘attention snagging-sure sale’ items at the checkout conveyor belts.

And bought a frizz controlling hair product, similar to the Hair Glass hair product of the 1980’s: I like it, and haven’t seen it anywhere else. I was thankful then, that I had decided to wait – and that my attention had been snagged 😉

Hair stuff I brought home with me.

When it was finally my turn, I told the girl what I wanted … and she gave me a 5 second look: she had no idea what I was talking about. I’ve been getting that look a lot from hair salon employees that were born in the 1990’s. So; realizing I would never get a decent shag cut ever again, as the hairdresser’s get younger and younger, I told her to just trim it so it will eventually all be one length, with layering at the crown, and feathering around my face, with bangs.

That she understood. 

She cut off an inch and a half: by mid-Summer, when I trim ends again, my hair length should be equal all around; falling nicely down my back – except for the crown layering.

And, honestly, that will work better for me when I am hiking, or working outside in my garden … I can pull it back in a small, smooth bun.

Going for all 1 length.

When I reached home and brought everything into the house, from the car, I looked at my little {haul}, and thought ow much things had changed in 27 months; and at how much the home Bob and I had bought together (and enjoyed together for only 18 months), was morphing so completely into my own domain.

These things I ferried home, aren’t that much – but they are important to finishing up the setting up of the setting up of our home before that got rudely/sadly interrupted 31 months ago.

The dish drainer, clothespins, and lint rollers would have been bought eventually.

The shoes holder, and the smaller compact shelving; not.

There wouldn’t have been all this extra closet space if Bob were still here, in the flesh: his clothing would have taken up half the closet that only holds my clothing now – there would not have been room for the shoe holder; our shoes would have littered the closet floor … now the closet has been totally reorganized; and there is room for the shoe holder.

And the empty closet in the spare bedroom – where the shelving will be set up/installed, used to be filled with our 5 year-old grandson’s things. But now, that closet is empty (for the time being), the bed is covered with a plastic sheet; and the room that used to ring with laughter, and chirpy chatter, now echoes with silence. The bed is no longer needed, and the closet will morph into a spare pantry.

I, and only I, live in this house now.

It is starting to become my own private domain.

I don’t like that fact: I am adjusting to that reality.

I put my purchases away, and got busy making Supper.

I had thought about buying a Subway sandwich when I passed through Scappoose on my way home – but, I am determined to shear 20/25 pounds off this year, to give my aging and aching joints some relief.

So …

I got busy in the kitchen 😊

Supper only took half an hour from skillet to table:

Supper tonight - Chicken Breast w-Herbed Vegetables.

The forecasted rain arrived as I was washing up the dishes.

I couldn’t help thinking how the falling rain {fit} the Holy Week festivities.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ5YlUzqHJU)