SHEDDING THE COCOON

As those of you who read my Blog knows, I’ve kicked around the idea of moving to a different locale practically since we moved here, to Heron Point.

Bob and I had barely had time to bring the house up to snuff and move in, when management changed hands; and I was a widow 18 months after purchasing this home at Heron Pointe.

I’ve talked to Shay several times these past 30 months about putting the house on the market – but each time, I’ve had to rescind the listings; she’s been very patient with me.

But this time I am going to follow through if I can get a house in the location I desire.

I own this home outright, but Lot Rent goes up $30/mo - every year; basically, for nothing but parking the car under the carport – what I am ‘allowed to do’ with the space my house sits on is very, very limited: I feel money paid for lot rent would be better spent in home ownership with a fixed mortgage rate than the continual $300/yr. increase without end in sight.

It’s just too restrictive here. 

If Bob were still here, I’d tough it out. 

But Bob isn’t here; and I hate being here alone. 

There is no logical reason to hang onto this house. 

My decision to sell and move has been carefully thought out this year; this time around, it’s been thought out without deceitful double-talk, confusing frustrations, or unrepentant heartache… but with more confidence.

Because it’s my decision.

I’m not working with anyone who is going to be setting me up with hidden agendas designed to knock me down: like I was before.

That’s all over.

This year, the decision I’m making – I’m making. 

By myself.

With confidence that it will be carried through to completion.

With the intent to carry it through to completion.

This year, this decision does not revolve around someone else’s schemes, schedules, wants, needs, or whims.

This time around, I’m focusing on my needs.

And this time … I’m making decisions based solely on what works for me: all the way around.

Actively and purposefully moving into my New Life.

There’s no one else I have to consider. 

There’s no one else I have to consult with. 

There’s no one else that I have to put myself aside for.

I intend to go through with my decision.

Bob instilled a lot of confidence into my life.

I need to stand on different ground.

I need to walk paths that lead to new people and new places.

I need to breathe life back into my life – somewhere else where the struggle won’t be so emotionally handicapping.

Of course, everything depends on Elohei: it will be satisfactory if that is Elohim’s Will.

This year, I have people in two counties supporting me, standing with me, praying for me, encouraging me, working with me, and working for me … so I feel this whole endeavor is a win-win situation this time.

I want to be where I – as a person, in my own right – is appreciated.

These people personally know me. 

They know where my thoughts run to.

They know my hopes, and heart’s desire – because we talk; we communicate.

We’re building a nucleus of community. 

They know that I’ll bring presence to their community; I’ll be an asset.

I’ll have purpose.

I’ll have a direction for my life.

I don’t have that here: in truth, I haven’t had that for quite a while – from anyone, for anything.

Though I did – a few months ago – think I could “make Longview my home” … and I honestly did try: in actuality, I am just existing in suburbia; doing my level best to {live} the life that swirls around me. 

I’m just going through the motions.

As much as I try, I am not really content with my “good life” – and it is a good one: Bob provided well for me, and aside from the basic monthly living expenses, my life is pretty good and carefree, all things considered.

However; without Bob in it … in this city that was always his dream, never mine … I am restless, unsettled, and underwhelmed: my life is still one huge question mark.

And no one can change this but me. 

My life needs a total rewrite. 

That rewrite needs an electrifying jumpstart.

I need to allow my journey to captivate me, and lead me into its full plan.

My life here, still revolves around the life I had with Bob here; no matter what I do to make this house my home … the fact remains that we bought this house, in this Park, as a couple: and Bob no longer shares my life with me. It doesn’t matter what small changes I make, inside or outside the house – it doesn’t matter how far I travel away from home base on sporadic daytrips; when I step back across the threshold – the house always reminds me that this used to be shared space. I still picture Bob throughout all the house. The house still echoes with his smiling, laughing, loving presence.

Clearly, if my new life is going to reach its full potential, I’m going to have to remove the solo lobo new life that holds promise of purpose … from the old life, where couple purpose has ceased.

This house used to hold promise.

And I do like it: there are so many windows, it's perfect for me – but where it is situated is not perfect for me. Bob's absence in it is not perfect for me.

Now this house just holds sorrowing memories warring with reined in anger and listless activity that serves no real purpose other than to be in constant motion to stave off the creeping acknowledgement of singleness where there used to be togetherness.

On the downside, when I slow down, and crawl into bed at night – I know that all the day’s activity was aimless; and I am acutely aware that the house is loud with the echo of silence.

On the upside, I am growing into my solo lobo life; and I am actually enjoying the unfettered freedoms to go where I want to go – whenever I want to go/eat what I want to eat – whenever I want to eat it/wear what I want to wear – without viewing my choices through secondary eyes/be friends with whoever I choose – without considering another opinion of said friends/do whatever I want to do with the house, inside and out – without agreeing on neutral ground.

But the house still trips me up. 

The house is parked in Longview.

I will always associate Longview with Bob; Longview was Bob’s dream location. For me, Longview is a major pain in the ass.

I tolerated living in Longview for Bob’s sake; now Bob lives beyond the clouds.

The house reminds me that Bob is missing from my life.

I’m excited about the prospect of moving to a different County.

I’m thrilled I have a strong cheerleading support squad. 

I’m also a little scared about the solo lobo undertaking. Bob always trusted me with the financial arrangements on our other home purchases, and I always depended on him to read the fine print so we wouldn't get shafted ... now I will be making a solo lobo transaction, hoping that I will understand the fine print without Bob's input: I do not want to unknowingly agree to a royal shafting.

But, I’m resolutely confident about it, too.

It’s a good feeling.

I am no longer in survival mode.

I no longer have one foot in each life.

I’m becoming more fully present in the “Now” realm of my dual life.

I fought hard for 30 months to find solid footing, and carry through with Bob’s “live, Val” request. At first, it was difficult trying to make progress forward in a life totally unrecognizable without Bob in it. Currently, it is getting easier – I find that the want to live again is not so hard to contemplate.

It’s time to fully embrace the changes and let my unfolding life get louder than the memories.

I need to make new memories that are only mine. 

I need to physically separate myself from the area we lived our life together for two decades.

I need to wake up to sunlight shining through windows with an unfamiliar view, in a room I entered for the first time – I need to hear raindrops tap dancing on a new roof of a new place I purchased myself, for myself; in a new locale I’m setting solo lobo roots deeply into.

I need to explore new roads/shop unfamiliar stores/eat in an unfamiliar quaint restaurant in an off-the-beaten-track town.

I need to have someone I do not know, break into my solitary thoughts and strike up an impromptu conversation with me ‘just because’.

I need to drink a glass of wine in the cool of an evening on my own porch, of my own house – and stare up at the night sky to marvel at the moon and stars … to the moderate tone beat of the boom box Bob bought me … without being restricted to city {quiet hours} between 7 AM and 9 PM. The only interruption I want to have intruding on my personal time is crickets singing – and frogs joining in, in harmony.

Time For A Cool Change: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JPLJk-UOHc

I need to leave this house; because without Bob physically in it – in all his 6’2” reality – it is no longer a home. I know myself. The only way for me to really move forward, without the love of my life in my life, is to permanently leave the place where we shared love and high hopes of a comfortable retired life.

Bob’s physical death displaced me from the only life I’ve known for most of my adult life.

It’s time now to stop trying to plug the hole in the shaky wall of the old life, and actively get busy building a newer, settled life.

With these realities foremost in the way I consider my new unfolding life, I think my emerging life will find a good {fit} in my hoped-for new locale.

So, that’s what I’m aiming for.

That’s what I’m getting involved in.

Hopefully, the next few months … will bring the results that I want.

And of course; as always, Elohei is in the details.

If He wants this thing to be “a go!” … it will be ‘a go’: it will go through as easily as the previous home buying episodes went.

With Elohim on my side, I can’t lose 😊 

So, that’s what I’m hoping as I shed my comfortable cocoon.

And, as my unfurling wings dry and strengthen; everything is on the table this year.

Everything.

People are praying “as the Spirit leads”.

We’ll see what Elohei deems {everything} to entail 😉