SELF-CARE SURVIVAL

Every day since I was bumped from Wife to Widow has been an uphill climb in minute-to-minute survival. Widowhood is a traumatic experience with traumatic fallout that can be triggered in chaotic situations; no matter if one is a Christian … or not.

I’ve come a long way, but I know I still have a long way to go.

I can’t afford to let the energy vampires steal the joy Yeshua gave me with my sanctification.

Widowhood totally changes you in ways you never expected, don’t understand, can’t fully grasp, and have no idea how to explain: you don’t {get it} as the years pass – and others standing on the sidelines watching you make your way through your New Life journey, don’t get it either, but a few will have a lot to say to you about how you should ‘get it done’. These are the ones that will make an already difficult journey much harder to navigate. These are the ones that will lay hidden landmines designed to always keep you off balance, juggling self-doubts, and gasping for breath as their toxicity bleeds over into your tender new life endeavors.

They are miserable wretches that feed on your pain; and gleefully picking at your healing scabs.

They are people to avoid.

At all costs.

Without apology.

And sometimes they need to be given back to them a good dose of their own vile bile to swallow.

I can't afford stressful chaos in my life anymore - the way I handle stressful situations, now, has changed since 12-14-18.

Sometimes the toxic people have connections with other people in your life, and when the ties that bind are deeply intertwined … you have to cut ties with the whole lot to avoid a death by a thousand cuts coming from one source via the group. It is a survival thing – when your life has already suffered so much pain it is dangerously anemic from the bloodletting, your well-being can’t afford any more bloodshed: you are allowed to love from a distance, and still be graced by The Father 😊

When I dropped the bag off, I am sure ruth threw a tantrum when she got the gist of the message: she is an undisciplined cat with a catty attitude, and I was making sure she knew I was no longer engaging in her pathetic cat-and-mouse game of domination.

I don’t allow anyone to dominate me – this mouse eventually tires of the cat’s stupidity and will bite the paws that keep taking swipes at it.

I am a survivor.

I have survived more than the linquist’s can dish out – and if they were choking on their anger this morning, I don’t feel any regret for giving them the heartburn they deserve.

As I drove back through town, I was invited to join in some Father’s Day festivities; so, I did 😊

It was good to be in the company of people who welcome me, love me, include me, pray for me, support me, and try to understand me in the moment. Embracing the uncertainties of a New Life unfolding is not easy – sometimes it is downright uncomfortable. It is a blessing to have people in your corner cheering you on, picking you up off the mat – supporting your staggering weight – and setting you back on your feet again, with encouragements.

It is good to feel like a winner now and then 😉

GETTING IT DONE

First thing this morning; before my eyes were even fully awake, I unsubbed from a widow’s group. I had been debating with myself about the decision for a few weeks (I wanted to see if things would calm down between moderator and members: it hasn’t); but it was clear to me from last night’s activity, that things were escalating. So, while my mind was saying, ‘just do it, Val: get out before you get sucked into the drama” … I opened my laptop, pulled the group up, and poked ‘leave group’.

Immense relief.

I meant it when I said a few posts ago, I am eliminating anything that sucks more life out of my days than it infuses.

Weeks ago, I bought a cartridge of ink to put in my printer, and set it in the alcove – waiting to be slipped into place.

And every day for weeks, I have walked past the alcove … glanced at the cartridge of ink: and kept right on walking.

How can something so little – and so simple, make me feel so clumsy and insecure?

Because I am not a ‘delicate flower’ … 

… I am an aging tomboy. Gentleness is not my strong point. There was a pretty good chance I could jam the thing, and I can’t afford a new printer. So, I would glance at the package waiting to be opened and slipped into place, and scoot past the open doorway as quickly as possible, thinking, “Nope – not today”.

And some days, I could actually feel that little thing mocking me as I scooted past it. If the thing could laugh, mocking laughter would have echoed off the hallway walls.

I don’t know what was different about this morning, but when I glanced at it on my way down the hallway, I felt up to the challenge: I straightened my shoulders, picked the box up – tore into the box (I did mention I am a tomboy girl, right?) – looked at it a good hard minute, and said, “today, you are going in … and you better not give me any trouble about it.”

I plugged the machine in, opened the lid – removed the old cartridge/replaced the new (praying to God I wouldn’t shove it too hard) – lowered the lid, and obeyed the digital text demands.

Riding high on that tiny success, I got to thinking that Spring is coming up … and that means Sunday~Fundays 😊

If Elohim wills, I will be getting back to my Sunday adventures with the arrival of Spring 2021. I will not be bound & tethered with the fearmongering tactics biden and inslee are trying to force.

Most of 2020, I went to places Bob and I used to frequent together: this year, I want to spread my wings and try new places – be a bit more adventurous. I still won’t be traveling too far from home base, but it will be exciting just the same: it will be new to me.

And I will be doing these things without making consideration’s concessions: there is no one left to consider. There is just me-myself-& I. I will be having a traveling companion at times (I was informed a few weeks ago that someone is interested in going places with me); but most of the time, there will be just me – solo lobo in the car, and at point destinations.

I’ve been filling my Daytrip Ambitions jar with addresses of fun destinations: this Art Walk in the Willapa Wildlife Refuge, looks like a fun and colorful way to enjoy a day out of the house 😉

My Ambitions Jar is filling up with fun Daytrip suggestions.

I can’t wait to hit the road again!

The Art Trail in Willapa National Wildlife Refuge (https://www.fws.gov/nwrs/twocolumn.aspx?id=2147515142)

Every Sunday, I write down a new destination – with address to punch in the GPS – and estimated milage/arrival at said point.

Most are about an hour driving 1-way; so I’m thinking most will be a full day Daytrip 😉 I am also figuring a few over-nighter’s too, “just because I can”: and I really need to figure that out. Bob always took care of that part of our adventures; but now, all aspects of my day-tripping adventures are on moi.

I can do this 😊 

“I Am Woman” … hear me roar. LOL!

Bob always hated this song … but he got a bang out of hearing me use that phrase when I needed courage (or extra ‘oomph’) to get something done: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rptW7zOPX2E)

I could be soft and loving in Bob’s embrace … but I could also match anything life threw my way. Bob liked that combo 😉 

So do I 😊 

I’m getting things done in 2021.