FATE STEPPED IN

Some people never experience that ‘once in a lifetime’ heartstrings pull.

And some people, like me, get to experience it … and live it 😊

48 years ago, today, I finally met the man if my dreams – and he became the wind beneath my wings for 44 years.

Love Walked In (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020_03_27_archive.html)

That once in a lifetime experience can carry you through, for the rest of your life; because it is exactly that: a once in a lifetime experience.

I sure do miss Bob. And right now, that missingness is particularly poignant today … because today, 4 decades ago, was the beginning of it all.

When fate stepped in: and love showed up.

WIDOWHOOD RECAP

Original Post: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2018_12_15_archive.html

Bob has been residing at his new address for past 3 years.

I don’t begrudge him that … and I’d be there with him, if it was my time: I’m ready, with ticket in hand, and as soon as Yeshua gives the Call – I’m outta here.

In the meantime, I wait.

A lot has happened in that span of time.

I’ve learned that it is possible to survive heartbreak.

It is possible to live with the constant burn of heartache.

It is possible to feel acute loss, grief, joy, and happiness … all at the same time. I no longer feel like a weirdo when all those emotions play with my emotions – I don’t care if people “don’t get it”: I get it. And that’s all that matters to me anymore. I don’t try to explain myself. I don’t apologize. I don’t go the extra mile to make other people feel comfortable. I have a right to feel – and to process – those emotions. I have the right to process them without pharmaceutical, or third-party-intervention.

I’m doing better this time this year than I was, this time last year; and this time next year, I’ll be doing a lot better that I am this year.

I am healing, and healing of this nature takes time. I was married to Bob for 44 years; I figure by 2040 (according to data on recovery from a severe life-altering trauma), I should be certified A-Oaky by anyone’s standards.

Bob and I had always been a Team: 2 together, against the World. We started out life together like that … and we ended our life together, like that. We prayed together to get through those 106 days. I prayed for Bob; Bob asked the chaplains that came by to see him, to pray for me – we were a Team. Together, and separately. I saw what that insidious illness was doing to Bob’s body (his body was failing, but his spirit was unbreakable). Bob saw what his imminent leaving was doing to me (I was rejoicing with him; but my heart was breaking).

As a Team, We both wanted his spirit to be free.

As a Team, We both wanted him to stay with me.

Elohei had the final word – Bob went Home beyond the clouds.

When the “We” became ‘Me’, it was a hard adjustment. On my end.

It's still a hard adjustment. I’m glad Bob’s address is where we both long to be … but man! I miss my man.

I don’t feel numb anymore; I’ve made friends with the feeling of missingness.

I don’t feel hot anger towards candy scott or ron cook anymore; neither of them has a conscious, so anger is wasted on them. They both believe in karma … so, I can stand aside and let karma deal with them.

The sadness lifted when Bob’s address changed in a heartbeat; Bob is enjoying a new body – one that will never again fail him. No more pain.

Jealousy was short-lived, and I rejoice, even if tears do occasionally run down my face; because I know Bob is more alive today, than he ever was when I knew him here, on Earth. And when I eventually join Bob beyond the clouds, we’ll be a Team again. A different kind of ‘team’, but together again, just the same 😉

Moving through my new life Solo Lobo doesn’t seem frightening anymore; I love and am loved in a different way now – Elohim has blessed me with good friends who don’t let me be alone, very much. I am thankful they are part of my new life’s journey.

I regained the boldness I had before I merged my life with Bob’s life. I need that boldness to carry me forward. I need that boldness to continue living in the house my husband provided for me (and Elohim apparently insists I keep, according to the promise I made to Bob). I need that boldness to face my husband’s killers when they cannot be avoided. I need that boldness to continue living a life that no longer has a place for me in it (mother/grandmother). I need that boldness to sink roots in a city I do not want to live in, and find a way to make it my Home.

I do not mourn. Bob’s presence, like Elohei’s presence, surrounds me – I’ve learned to live with the knowledge of him even if I cannot see him: I feel him. I know he, like Yeshua, walks with me. Yes, I feel a missingness of his actual physical presence, but I do not mourn as the world mourns … as those with no hope.

I am still getting used to a life of widowhood. It is strange, and most of the time (praise The Lord) I feel kinda aloof from it: I am still me, and becoming more and more Me as time moves forward.

Though I did go through a period of reliving memories in the early stages of widowhood (which I think was normal; and a healthy way of healing), I refuse to cloak myself in despair or become a maven mourner. Bob would not want me to do that, and our Faith forbids it.

I refuse to get lost in the depths of depression and break like a fragile object, when I would much rather put all my energies into rejoicing that my husband now has a much better life in a much better place.

I am happy for him, and that makes me happy ;-)

IT’S TIME TO WRITE A NEW STORY

 

I don’t know how I will do it.

But, I KNOW I will DO it.

I will do it because that was “the deal” – the promise Bob asked of me … and the vow I made in agreement to that promise.

I received three phone calls in the past 24 hours (Bob’s Aunt, my niece/daughter, and our granddaughter), asking me how I am doing.

I’m doing.

I’ll be doing much better when my leg is stronger and I can get out of the house.

I read encouragements on FB, from friends: I am thankful I have such loving, empathetic, and compassionate friends.

G: I remember Bob, I grew up with him. I was closer to Ralph in age. I believe Bob had no say in the matter about the timing of his end of days but I know he would want you to heal, that would be the Bob I remember.

I am healing.

I am doing better this year than I was 12 months ago …24 months ago.

Elohei is walking with me through this journey.

So are my friends.

I am blessed; I could not have come this far without any of them – they are all important, and necessary in their own way.

I read declarations of love on our granddaughter’s FB Pages.

KRISA: My mind swirls like the storm

Thoughts of him drifting around

Winds blow softly carrying his voice

Different shades of blue mixing

Reminding me of his eyes

Yet no shade of blue reminds me more

Than the eyes reflected back in the mirror

Those memories of him linger

As a fresh wound only to scab over

Yet to be seen as a reminder

That yes it has happened

Hurting you so deep

Though healing slowly that it scars

To always remind you

That he was there

That he is still there

Deep within the scars

That lie beneath the surface

Siting on your heart and soul

Never forgotten

Always there

Forever more

Today as the snow falls softly on the ground, I am reminded that today marks the 2 year anniversary of the passing of my grandfather. A man I’ve always looked up to. A man that meant so much to me that it’s hard to see the world without him. So much so that I see him in every part of my life. To the shades of blue in the sky, the blue of the ocean, even in my own eyes do I see his. The whispering of the wind as soft has his voice, wrapping me in a warmth of comfort. His laughter lingers even now in the back of my mind and even so when I talk to my dad, who sounds so much like him. Though grandpa may be gone, he will forever live in the hearts and minds of his loved ones.

I miss him always.

Both kids, and all the grandkids have Bob’s facial features: they all have his Asian eyes, and all the granddaughter’s have his chin. Both our daughter, and our only grandson, have his cleft chin.

I am glad Bob continues to live on.

Bob as a teenager: I did not know Bob at this time – his middle sister sent me this picture; I am thankful to glimpse a part of Bob’s life before I was in it.

September 1967; Bob’s Senior Picture – Bell’s Photography Studio used Bob’s picture as the poster picture for the ‘ideal class picture’ on their PNW Photo Shoots.

1973 Christmas. Bob & Alex; this picture was taken at his parent’s house 3 months before I met Bob.

December 1981; after Bob died his 2nd death in September, and was healing at home. Stacey (6 yo), Alex (11 yo) & Bob (32).

2003 Family gathering at Merry's; Alex, Bob, and granddaughters Brianna (Alex’s daughter) & Alyna (Stacey’s daughter).

Stacey & Azariah. July 2014. Aza a few days old.

July 2014; Azariah – Bob’s mini-me: a carbon copy of Bob, in every way.

November 2020; Alex’s daughter, Krisalee – our first grandchild. She has Bob’s facial features, and her eyes are the same color as Bob’s – the only difference being, Bob’s eyes had mesmerizing gold flecks in the iris’ that pulsed and danced around his pupils.

ALYNA: At 8:05 this morning the world lost the kindest, the most loving soul. Rest in peace Papa. I love you so much and you are missed.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9g35fMP8u0 , https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5VnNTtaRHQ , https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iv_5iJr_Gq8)

I have had two dreams that I feel have been messages to me, impressing upon me that I have got to get busy moving forward without looking back. The first dream was January 23^rd, this year …

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/01/disturbing-dream.html)

The second dream was a few days ago, and it jolted me awake – it was that real.

For whatever reason, I had been at some beach, sitting in a beach chair on a sandy stretch – thinking Bob would have enjoyed the day, and view.

At some point I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up with a start when the tide had come in … up to my chest. I rose up out of the chair, but because I am petite, the water was still quite high as I stood. I was trying not to panic. Water unnerves me under normal circumstances – I do not like water; not even getting my toes wet in the surf.

Water and spending time at the beach, was Bob’s thing; not mine.

In this dream, I was having difficulty turning around to slog to safer ground.

The ocean seemed endless and fearsome, stretching out to the horizon before me … and the beach was quickly disappearing behind me, as the surf rose and covered the sandy stretch.

I can swim – but not well. And certainly not in an ocean surge.

Water looks deceptively soft and easy to cut through; but in reality, is it heavy and solid … and very hard to walk through when it is rising and settling.

I remember, in my dream, thinking that I knew I had to get out of the rising waves, or I would never survive.

And that was when I woke up, and sat up in bed – thankful I was in our bed, in familiar surroundings … with no water in sight.

I also knew the dream was a message.

January’s dream was impressing on me that I couldn’t sit around waiting for Bob (the memory of Bob’s love) to rescue me.

I have to rescue me.

I have to climb out of the wreckage of my life.

I have to rely on the survival skills I’ve honed, to rescue me.

This recent dream was impressing on me that I need to find newer pastimes that reflect my personality, not so much Bob’s

I spent lot of 2020 revisiting places that meant something to Bob – or that were tied to the past where Bob and I spent time together.

Those aren’t necessarily bad things … but they are hampering me from moving forward; and that is emotionally crippling.

Revisiting places and memories are okay – but setting up camp there is not okay. Sitting and enjoying the view and the warmth those memories invoke are comforting; but getting too comfortable can catch you off guard when the waves creep in.

I need to stay focused.

I need to be alert in the moment.

I need to be balanced in time and presence.

Both dreams, though different in locale and purpose … carried the same message.

In the first dream, Bob was present – then he left: I didn’t see him again.

In the second dream, I was alone – with memories of Bob.

Bob isn’t here; Bob isn’t coming back.

Bob has been gone in every way possible for 24 months.

Today, December 14^th, is the 2 year mark.

Memories is not a healthy place to live.

It’s time to turn the page and start writing a new life story.