THOUGHT PROVOKING DAY

I woke up this morning with the thought that I’d walk the dike trail at Riverside Park in Lexington; I hadn’t been there for a while, and it’s a nice walk.

I’ve been missing it.

I’ve been missing it, because I’ve been avoiding it.

Bob and I walked that trail for decades … and every day when we lived in that area.

So, today was a good day to get back there again.

I felt I could face Bob’s lingering essence everywhere, there.

Riverside Park from Heron Pointe; via Nevada Drive & Westside Highway - 24 mins.

I had eaten a bowl of cream of wheat, with blueberries earlier in the morning, but I was hungry for a light lunch when I reached Lexington – so, I bought a corn dog at the Lexington Chevron, where I topped the gas tank (I was too tired to do that last night when I got home).

As I bit into the corn dog … globs of ketchup and mustard dripped onto my shirt.

I saturated the stain smear with wet-ones ... and looked like I had a leaky nursing pad in my bra.

I cleaned the mess up as best I could, but decided to scrap the Park idea: I couldn’t go out in public looking like my boob was leaking.

It was a thought-provoking moment.

Finished eating the corn dog: I decided to drive back home, change my shirt – dab it with stain remover; pay the bills … and surf the internet for houses for sale in the areas I am interested in.

The sun was shining, and mentally I had been prepared to enjoy the morning, out-of-house.

I’d take a leisurely route back home.

I scratched the hike, and decided to drive a forgotten road, on the way home.

Sandy Bend Road, from Lexington - via WA-411 & Sandy Bend Rd; 10 mins.

I'm thinking a little clearer this year.

My life on repeat, is not about dealing with dementia … it’s about dealing with all the complex nuances of grief; over, and over, and over again: the halting steps of forward progression when all the hugs/applause received {in the now} are echoes in your head of the loving encouragements given to you from the one who was leaving your life – the one, who told you, in a thought-provoking tone, to “Live!”: and forgot to tell you how before they took their last breath.

Getting through those mental landmines can sometimes be crippling.

Thinking gets foggy: and speech can become a stuttering, stammering, halting endeavor.

You can feel stupid when this happens.

People, who do not understand the complexities of widowhood, will consider you stupid.

Sandy Bend turn off Westside Highway; I hung a right: uphill and over the crossover Sandy Bend Road.

Sandy Bend to Wren Loop; 3 mins.

Wren Loop Road; off Sandy Bend Road, past Hicks Road - ties into lower end of Delameter Road.

Wren Loop-Delameter junction; lower end of Delameter, just off Westside Highway, near Castle Rock.

The drive along the Sandy Bend crossover road was an enjoyable country drive. I’m glad the memory kicked in and prodded me along 😉

I didn’t get very far up Delameter Road, before I turned off it – loose gravel was all over the road for miles: even on the freshly blacktopped areas. The pebbles were really kicking up a fuss on the underside of the Highlander … and a car was bearing down on me from behind; it was making me nervous. I did not want to risk another cracked windshield – I didn’t want to be responsible for the rude driver behind me getting a cracked windshield. I didn’t want to have pit marks in the Highlander’s paint job.

Loose gravel all over Delameter Road – for miles.

So, I turned off Delameter at the Garlock Road spur.

Garlock Road ties into Hazel Dell Road – which ties into Westside Highway, near Lexington.

Garlock Road; off Delameter Road.

Garlock Road; off Delameter Road - ties into Hazel Dell Road, which drops into Westside Highway, near Lexington.

I turned back to spare my windshield and paint job.

Hazel Dell Road from Garlock Road; 4 mins.

Garlock & Hazel Dell junction.

I noticed that my shirt had dried with hardly a faint stain; so, I decided to go for the Park walk as planned, when I reached Lexington, again.

Riverside Park from Hazel Dell Rd - 12 mins.

My shirt dried ... and I followed through with the hike.

I kept the walk short … and on pretty even ground once I reached the top of the dike. As I was walking along, enjoying the sunshine and the dragonflies; I heard a distinctive sound: pool balls clacking together!

It was a thought-provoking sound that lured me by the ears 😉

Following the sound, I laughed out loud as I watched a couple playing pool in their back yard 😊

When the shot had been played out, I called out from my lofty view: “Who’s winning?”

The girl shouted to me, that she was – so, I shouted back, “Good for you!”

We all laughed, and I walked on: not too far though … I turned around at the bridge, instead of pushing forward like I normally would.

I’m still favoring that piriformis muscle.

Having my body force me to slow down and take things easy, is a thought-provoking action that is still taking me time to get used to.

I don’t like to be restricted in my movements … but I don’t like the pain generated by an inflamed muscle either.

Unexpected surprise.

I turned around here - a very short hike today. I'm still favoring that Piriformis muscle.

Piriformis Syndrome.

I had company on the return walk back to the car: a couple with 3 very big dogs.

I took the gentlest descent from the dike trail … which passes by the cement cistern Bob used to sit on once in awhile during our hikes.

The Park is filled with memories: trails we walked around the Park grounds on for decades, a bench he used to sit on, a picnic table he used to sit at with our little grandson – and feed squirrels Aza used to chase, after they grabbed their peanut and raced away, the dike trail we walked every day after moving to the area years ago: the Park air is saturated with his essence.

The memories still surround me – but my heart doesn’t go into overdrive anymore, and hot tears don’t fall in torrents anymore when I think of those precious years with the love of my life.

My heart is healing: it’s a thought-provoking acknowledgment.

I took the gentlest decline to the where the car was parked.

Sometimes Bob would sit on this cistern for a brief break, on hot days.

Sliding into the driver’s seat, and heading the car towards Heron Pointe, I thought of how blessed my life is because Bob was part of my life for most of my life. I am thankful that Bob’s loving confidence in me blossomed into my own confidences in myself; and the decisions I am making to live the life Bob wanted me to embrace and move forward into. I am grateful that Yeshua is my faithful Husband now, Who, daily encourages me with thought-provoking life choices that help me grow stronger in body, soul, and spirit.

I paid the bills at home … and started searching online for houses for sale that fit the budget I can work with.

And, I found one: I’ll get more information about it tomorrow. The house is in a location I hadn’t really given much thought to – but it fits my needs/requirements; and it fits my budget 😉

As I considered how my new life was currently taking shape, I happened to glance out the window – and saw a cloud, shaped like a lion, drift by high in the sky.

It was like Yeshua was activating encouragements in a thought-provoking manner 😊

At home, I saw a lion shape in the clouds; it was encouraging.

Buying a new home will be a huge step forward for me. It’s a monumental step forward. I filled out the paperwork Shay left for me – and I’ll give it to her Wednesday. I was nervous filling the paperwork out: Bob had always helped me do that with our last two homes we’d bought (plus this one, I currently inhabit) … it’s hard not to second guess ding something solo lobo that you had always done as a couple.

But, I remembered the lion cloud 😉

And I know I, in my new solo lobo life, am enough 😊

‘Already Enough’ song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mr_yU40mvVo

I am actually quite excited about this new phase of my new life.

But, my life misses Bob.

Greatly.

Prior to experiencing intimate death in my personal life, I used to say to people in a comforting way, “It won’t always hurt so much.” Now, after struggling with my own loss, and going through my own journey of grief, I say, “It won’t always hurt so much, so often.” There is a huge difference between the two statements – the pain of losing a loved one never goes away: but as life moves forward, the waves of sorrow decrease in intensity.

That doesn’t mean that a big wave won’t suddenly rear up out of nowhere, and knock you off your feet; but you no longer flounder … you haul yourself up, and continue moving forward with thought-provoking momentum.

RIVERSIDE SNOW IN JUNE

This morning I led a hike along the Riverside Park dike – both sides of the highway, in Lexington.

The weather was warm … but not overly hot, so the walk was enjoyable.

Cotton fluff from the cottonwood trees was filling the air and falling like snowflakes all around us:

We didn’t see any wildlife (nothing showed itself today), but we did see some wildflowers …

Common Mullein

(Growing Mullein in the Herb Garden - The Spruce).

Queen Anne’s Lace (aka: Wild Carrot) blossoms; open and balled … I’ve never seen the balled flowerhead before; it is the plant from which the domestic carrot was developed.

Wild Carrot blossom – aka, Queen Anne's Lace. (https://www.brc.ac.uk/plantatlas/plant/daucus-carota)

Yellow daisies.

Purple Hairy Vetch twining through the Wild Carrot (aka: Queen Anne’s Lace) – (https://csuvth.colostate.edu/poisonous_plants/Plants/Details/106)

After the walk, we all got Fish & Chips baskets at Kirbey’s on West Side Highway and ate them at Trudy and Ed’s home, where she showed us pictures of their Alaskan Hike Trip: she had her pictures made into a pretty cool book. She and Ed have done many hiking adventures and they are a source of adventuring information - I like listening to their stories of places they've been all over the globe, and the interesting hikes they did.

It was a real enjoyable day that led into a relaxing Shabbat :-D

L'Chiam! 

I love you, Babe. Always ~ OX

KERBY'S & A WALK IN THE PARK

I had just finished brushing my hair, and was checking the phone for updates – it’s important to be ‘updated’, so we know when our campaigning governors running for biden’s vp position, will forget the political nonsense and open our States back up again to life in the real world … as opposed to political landscaping painted broadly with the brush of covid-19. There was anderson cooper looking like a white-haired geriatric rabbit with startled blue eyes, interviewing chris cuomo saying he’s “recovering from coronavirus” … and in the next breath whining because he’s “afraid he might get pneumonia and lose another 10 days with his wife and family”.

I had to count to 10 …

Do ALL the cuomao’s sound this hysterically dramatic? Some narcissistic people have no fricking idea how stupid they sound, and how someone (like me) might want to slap them up alongside their empty talking heads. (1): he IS RECOVERING (2): he will eventually get to BE WITH his family again. (3): 1 week … 2 weeks is NOT FOREVER. chris cuomo is caught up in the grip of fear. And anderson cooper is milking it, for all it is worth.

I shut the phone off, put my hairbrush away – and walked into the the kitchen to plug the coffee pot in. It was going to be another day of walking, here in the real world.

My real world is filled with realities, no projected ‘what if’s’ everyone seems to be gorging themselves on lately.

The realities of MY world is that my husband did not recover from the illness that killed his physical body and set his spirit free 477 days/1 hour/40 minutes ago. I never got to worry about a ‘secondary superbug’ that may or may not lay him low for another 10 days. We … Bob and I … were not given a reprieve from the illness that has tilted my world that may never be righted again.

I don’t begrudge Elohim calling Bob Home. I wouldn’t request Bob returned back to me, even if I could – I know Bob is better off where he is now; enjoying life beyond the clouds.

But it pisses me off hearing people caught up in hysterical fear being coached into more hysterical fear by fear-mongering media talking heads pandering to an empty society that thrives on hysteria in order to feel alive.

I had to get out of the house. 1,600 square feet was not big enough to escape the squeezing of my heart that makes me feel trapped when it sets in. I needed fresh air blowing on my face. I needed wide open spaces.

I didn’t care what inslee thought about my course of action.

inslee is not living my life. inslee doesn’t know; and he doesn’t care that all his indefinite state-wide mandate to ‘sit and shelter at home’ means to me, is 1,600 feet of 4 walls closing in on me and holding me hostage to thoughts I’d rather not be thinking; and memories I’d rather not be revisiting during this time if global mourning. I don’t mourn. I am a widow – yes: but, I don’t engage in mourning.

I can’t allow myself to be pulled into a global meltdown.

I am walking a thin tightrope, as it is, in my own life; juggling my own stuff.

I didn’t mourn Bob’s passage from this life to the next. I did grieve, eventually: and I am still grieving to a certain degree … but I do not engage in mourning.

I engage in life.

I engage in living.

I only have 1 life to live – I fully intend to live it without anyone’s permission. HOW I live my life is for ME to decide. Whether this earthen vessel that houses my spirit lives or dies, is for Elohim to decide. I do not answer to man. I did answer to Bob, on occasion, when he was here on earth. But, Bob is no longer here ... I answer now only to Elohim, and to myself. 

I got dressed, grabbed my travel coffee mug, and pointed the nose of the Horizon towards Riverside County Park. I hadn’t been there in a while, and though it is a popular place for people to gather, I knew walking along the dike would be a fairly solitary activity: it always is, no matter how busy the grassy part of the Park is.

Driving along West Side Highway, I saw Kerby’s Fish Market was open for business. I nipped in …

Everyone behaved. We all used common sense in social distancing, employees were friendly, kind, and worthy of respect; the service was efficient, and the food was anticipated: Kerby’s always has good food. I placed my order, waited in the car for it, and drove to the Park to eat it:

Fish ‘n Chips w-Sweet Potato Fries

Coleslaw and Tarter Sauce

While I ate, 2 little boys riding their bikes, stopped at a proper distance from me and started chatting with me. They were 4 and 5 respectfully – my grandson Azariah will be 6 in June; I refused to allow tears to gather. I miss him so much. I watched them pedal off: and wondered as they disappeared from sight, if Aza gets to ride his bike. When Bob went into the hospitals full time, he never saw Azariah again – Stacey didn’t allow it. When asked by his medical attendees what he’d like to do if he got better and got sprung from the hospitals … Bob always replied, without any hesitation, that’s he’d feed the squirrels at Riverside Park; and spend time with our grandson.

Bob never fed the squirrels – or spent time with Aza, ever again.

I do not know if I will ever see our grandson again. Currently, Stacey is not allowing it.

So, the world; and inslee, will just have to find it in their hysterical hearts to forgive me for wanting to halt the hysteria wildfires from encroaching on my life. I have enough of my own concerns to keep my mind occupied.

I grabbed my walking stick from the back of the Horizon, and hoofed it to the dike where my hike began …

Walking the dike along the Cowlitz River. Kelso, WA

There are a lot of memories associated with this Park. This is only the third time I’ve been back. The first time I revisited, was weeks after my new life status was bumped from wife to widow: it started raining half way through the hike, and I finished the whole 2 miles in drenching rain. I was soaked by the time I reached the car. I realize now I was walking without thinking or feeling – I was reacting. I didn’t know then, that I had picked up a case of pneumonia and influenza from the two hospitals I had been camped out in with Bob during his final days: I wasn’t thinking clearly at all, and I wanted the comfort of a familiar place to sooth my heartbroken weary soul. I got desperately sick after that first revisit. The second revisit was in June 2019, after Keenager’s (a Senior Meet n-Greet at the Columbia Heights Baptist Church). I forced myself to do the hike … and to stop at El Ranchero, the Mexican restaurant we always ate at following our hikes. It was hard to do both – but, I managed. Now, it is easier to do both.

I have never battled the widowing angst some widow’s do – the feeling of wanting to dwell in the past v.s. living in the present. I am astute enough to realize that the past is irrevocably gone: I can’t get it back, and I can never live with Bob again; that part of my life is over. I may revisit it occasionally because Memory Lane is the only place now, where I can hear my husband’s laughter, hear his voice, and watch him interact and play with our children and grandchildren. But those are limited visits … I am living in the present as best I can, and yes: it is a real struggle. But the now is reality. The now may seem surreal, but it is all that is real in this, my new life. I am adjusting. Slowly; but adjusting, just the same.

I like hiking. I always have – hiking is therapeutic to me. I have joined a Hiking Club, so now I need to get back into hiking shape so that when the club starts hiking again, my hiking stamina is where it needs to be. Hiking county parks is how I choose to build that stamina back up:

$15 million dollar Lexington Bridge, Kelso.

I can smell the memories – love is all around me.

My pretty girl, Precious. Half Timber Wolf/half Gray Wolf. She loved to walk with us on this dike. We had to have a prong collar on her in the Park, but she ran free along the dike trail.

Now Bob & Precious walk all over Heaven while they wait for me to arrive too :-D

Rabbit Trail Loop

A memorial for some animal named 'Oreo'; possibly a rabbit. 1 rock has a rabbit figure painted on it.

Remembrance about Bob & Kerby’s

Loon - there are 2 of them, but 1 swam to hug the bank when I aimed the camera at them.

Nearly 3 miles ...  maybe. Not sure how to read this thing yet.

Drinking cold coffee and watching memories no one else can see ...

The battle I face as a widow isn’t the pulling between past and present lives, but more of a realistic trying to figure out how to carry the past I loved with me into a future I must live as a solo lobo. I miss Bob every day – every.single.day. There are days I miss him, and I do alright. Then, there are those days I miss him, and I’m a mess: it hurts so bad, that the weight of the missingness makes it hard to breathe, much less function. I want to share life’s ups and downs with him – to talk things over with him when big decisions have to be made: I want to seek his advice; I want to hear him bark out a laugh when something happens that the two of us would think is funny – I want to share moments with him. But, I also know that I am learning to love and appreciate my present … in the now … and everything that is unfolding and spreading out before me as time marches forward. I think I can be honest in stating that I have never compared the past to my present because it would be futile. Like comparing apples and oranges – there is no comparison; they are two totally different things, involving two totally different people. My now deserves just as much attention as our then. Both lives are precious in their own right; both lives serve a purpose, and I have to use what our then has shaped in me, in order to successfully make a new and meaningful life for me in my now.

It was a good day at Riverside Park – I managed to hike ALL of the dike trail (both sides of the highway) without breaking a sweat. I did get a little short winded, but it was a lengthy hike, I am 63, and scotch broom was in bloom ;-)

When I got back home, I changed from jeans into a skirt (I bet Bob’s mouth fell open in Heaven, when he saw me in a skirt; LOL), and relaxed. I don’t know when I drifted off … but, I woke up around Supper time. Apparently, my body wanted the same release from unwanted stress my mind and spirit were freed from earlier in the day ;-)

My niece, Sara, texted me in the evening to say she loved me and is thinking of me – I am sure Bob was smiling. Sara is like a daughter to us.

Today was a good day. Love is all around me :-D