Wedding Song - God Knew That I Needed You

Monday, September 12, 2022

BRIGHT & INTENSE

This is my 4th September, without Bob.

As I dressed to spend the day away from home, my thoughts were redirected to last year’s colorful Fall leaves, and I laughed aloud – because dressed as I was, I represented every colorful leaf in last year’s leaf fall 😉

‘Spectrum’ Post: (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2021/10/spectrum.html)

I broke out my last new mascara color to match my blouse, today.
'Auburn' Eyebrow Gel, & 'Burgundy' mascara.

I spent the day with friends – new friends; friends I made this year. Friends who never knew Bob. Friends that only know Bob by what I share about my life with Bob … and some only know Bob through his recorded testimony, by which they hear in his own words about his life.

As I forge ahead in this journey, I am not walking alone; not only do I have a “great heavenly host surrounding” me … but I have the very real, very present presence of friends spread over two counties, who have opened their lives to meld with mine. No matter where I am, at any given time – I am surrounded by the spirit of these people I share this journey with: whether alone in my home or the highlander; or actually sharing face-to-face time.

I am also constantly and continually, surrounded by the love my husband showered on me – the essence of Bob is in the confidence his love imbued me with; the love I steadily pull on as I am learning to take care of myself in all the areas my husband took care of me for the 44 years we shared together. I don’t mean that Bob treated me like an over-grown-baby, because he didn’t … what I do mean, is that he tempered my life in areas it needed balance: now, I am learning to find that balance, solo lobo. I am leaning into confidence without a verbal backup agreement. I am learning to trust the decisions I make – I can trust those decisions because Bob trusted my decisions while he walked this Earth with me; and he told me he trusted me to get on with living after he was gone. My husband, in his final days on Earth, was positively instilling me with the confidence I would need to move forward after I was pushed into this New Life of mine unwillingly.

I didn’t know then … and I wouldn’t feel the full effects of his wise instillment, until recently … it turns out (and Bob instinctively knew – and impressed on me) that I can survive the worst life has to offer: and I can still find parts of life to love and to be thankful for.

I am learning in the waning of 2022, to value every minute – and every person – I’m afforded.

I have learned these past 48 months (can it really be that short of a period of time, when it seems like forever???) that uncharted beauty of an unfolding new life comes with the tragedy of ending an older part of continuing life. The love and devotion my friends show me … and the strength I’ve found within myself … are painfully beautiful.

Love and loss, pain and beauty. Never one without the other. Always bright and intense.

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