TAKING STOCK

It’s been a day of reflection.

The dawning of 2020, I decided to let life take me where it will, now that I have been cast adrift to be a free agent – and no concerns anymore about the choices I will be making: there is no one left on Earth to answer to. And Elohei already approves because He is preparing the way before me.

It is not all scorched earth.

And I am thankful.

I woke up this morning thinking I need to start taking stock of my new life; I kinda-sorta did that all through 2019 … but now it’s a little more urgent and a little more different.

There are hefty financial issues I have to work out this year: my teeth have got to be attended to this year. I’m setting up an appointment in March sometime to figure out where to go with them – they are in terrible shape because they are porous. The cap work I had done more than 20+ years ago is allowing the shafts they rest on to disintegrate, which leads to tooth extraction. Though I am not looking to replace Bob with another man, I don’t like the idea of having empty tooth spaces in my mouth. Dentures will be expensive. I had hoped to avoid dentures … my mother had dentures all of her life since she was 18 years old: I never wanted that for me. But, my teeth are what they are. And they need to be addressed. If that is indeed the assessment given me, I will have to go to Seattle to have the final dental work done – I don’t do city driving; I will need to find someone to drive me up and back … and pay for an overnight room. I’m not even sure how to do that: Bob always handled booking, and the room card-key when we enjoyed overnight ventures. I am seriously out of my depth in so many ways.

I need new glasses – they won’t be terribly expensive, but Bob has his stamp on the cat-eye-ones I am currently wearing, and I’m not wanting to let them go ...

There is a private joke behind these cay-eyes: Bob saw them and jokingly asked me, “Would you wear something like that?” I said, “I like ‘em! I think I’ll get ‘em.” They fit my personality. The look on his face was priceless and we burst out laughing everytime I’d look at him and he’d shake his head. I still laugh when that memory pops into my head.

... but, realistically, the lens need to be replaced. I’m thinking to do that with the Income Tax Return funds. Probably sometime in May.

I have a patched tire on the car – it is a temporary fix, and it leaks: the car is an all-wheel-drive vehicle. I need to put at least $2500.00 in savings so I can replace all the tires when the time comes to do so speedily.

And Heron Pointe’s calimexarabia owners have declared that Space Rent is going up another $30/mo come June; on top of Longview’s excessive utilities hikes to cover the sanctuary city tent city and illegals ‘needs’, which apparently override and supersede the needs of Longview’s Senior Citizens.

That’s A LOT of required {extra} moolah all added up!

My pockets aren’t that deep.

But I have a mighty BIG GOD, and His resource are limitless :-D

Elohei has been faithful to uphold me in His right hand, prosper me, and keep me standing through all the stuff I have had to deal with from December 14^th, 2018 to date. I am stronger now then I have been these past 14 months/15 days/12 hours.36 minutes. I’m starting to pray again – I am a Prayer Warrior … that I could not pray more than a piddling weak eeking of, “Help me, Yeshua. I love You. Help me. Amen”, was a very strange feeling for me. For a solid year, I just couldn’t pray effectively: all of me was numb.

But with the unfolding of 2020, I have been taking stock and counting my blessings that have been showered on me in the midst of the storms.

I have been healing.

I have been gaining strength.

Wednesday afternoon was the first time since I started fellowshipping again in January 2019, that I prayed out loud in a group setting; it was halting and shy, but I think I am back on track with that again.

Elohei is faithful.

He has held me up; and now, He is getting me back UP. Amen!

I have a MIGHTY.BIG.GOD. :-D

The changing Shabbat sundown. 5.57 PM & 6 PM

Shavua tov! A good week, a week of peace, may gladness reign and joy increase: I do not have a beautiful braided tri-color Havdalah candle, but I do have a candle burning ;-) In the weeks leading up to Passover & Resurrection Day, I will be using the Crucifix Candleholder a friend gave me 2 decades ago.

"Blessed are You, Elohei, Ruler of the universe, Creator of the fruit of the vine. Blessed are You, Elohie, Ruler of the universe, Creator of the many kinds of spices. Blessed are You, Elohei, Ruler of the universe, Creator of the lights of fire. Amen."

TIES TO ‘SQUASH ;-)

HA!

Bob’s youngest brother, Kerry, made the news :-D

And, (((YES!))), he does indeed look like the PNW's Mascot, Sasquatch … even without the ‘Squash Mask he carved ;-)

I am sure Bob was howling with laughter as he rode the clouds. He may even have said, “Way to go, ‘lil bro!”

And Kerry’s pretty granddaughter, Haley, was also caught on camera towards the end of the video – the 0.58 mark. She’s become quite a lovely girl; I bet she keeps grandpa on his toes now ;-)

I am glad for Kerry; he deserves recognition for his artwork.

I had help moving this bench into the foyer when I had the exterior of the house painted last Spring. This is one example of Kerry’s artistic flair.

Coho bench Kerry carved a couple years ago with a chain saw. As soon as I saw it, I knew we had to have it – the price tag was high … but worth every penny.

I love this bench. I don’t care for salmon in general, but I love the artistic imagery of this bench.

Bob loved this bench, and sat on it quite a bit throughout the years.

In fact, he was sitting on this bench the day candy scott stomped up our front porch steps and started screaming at us and waving highlighted papers at us: everything she was screaming about was bogus ... but it killed Bob and devastated my life.

A few times last year, pulling up to our home, I got a little freaked out thinking I caught a glimpse of Bob sitting on this bench – the manifestations were so strong; the first time it happened, I almost ran the front tire up on the curb. It was the weirdest feeling. Even on recent days, when I drive up to the house, I prepare myself to be shocked; it’s lessening.

I couldn't bring myself to sit on this bench last year ... this year, I am going to sit on it every chance I get.

And laugh out loud thinking of my ties to our lovable, kind-hearted, artsy-fartsy 'Squash.

SHABBAT MESSENGERS OF PEACE

The house has been spiffed & is ready for drop-in guests – I don’t leave the house on Friday, except to walk around the Park when the weather is cooperative.

The laundry was washed/dried, folded, hung up, and put in drawers.

Bread was made and baked.

Shabbat music played in the background all day.

By 1:52 PM, the gray clouds had rolled back and the sun was shining brightly:

I pulled the Shabbat Bobeche’s (glass wax catchers) out of the cupboard and debated with myself which one to use on the candlestick tonight …

Gold Stars Bobeche. These Bobeche’s are 28 years old.

I decided on the one with golden stars detail. I will use the double candlestick again this Shabbat. We bought the brass candlestick and bobeche’s 28 years ago, at the Candle Shop in the Lloyd Center Mall when we were between fellowships one Sabbath – we would go to Kehilat HaMashiach Fellowship in the AM, then end the evening on the other side of the city, at Lion of Judah Fellowship:

Double Candlestick fitted with bobeche’s. The bobeche’s are paper-thin glass, very delicate. Makes this rough-n-tumble gal a little nervous to handle them ;-)

This is the last time I will be using this double candlestick.

Double Candlestick waiting on the kitchen windowsill for dusk to arrive – it will be placed in the LV then, and candles lit. The hearts on the sill beside it, are hearts Elohim has sent me every time I need an extra boost of encouragement. There are 6 of them: 5 I received throughout 2019, and 1 I’ve had for at least a decade, found on a river beach along Westside Highway – that one has a red spot in the center of it, like a drop of blood.

I will start using a single candlestick next Shabbat. I am doing a Widow Shabbat now – there is no need for the double candlestick.

I have never used this candlestick before because I always used the brass double; Stacey bought this for Bob & I, 25 years ago. I will begin using it now every Shabbat. And through the Spring/Summer, I will use the glass flower petal bobeche’s.

I read my Scripture portions today out of Bob’s Bible. I smiled when I saw the bookmark, because Bob surprised me one Sabbath afternoon by taking me to this little Messianic Jewish home-shop; this green bookmark was a freebie for buying so much. LOL Aside from the in-home shop, David also had a ministry. One year, Bob took me to their Passover Seder – it was wonderful; and ended late, so we spent the night in Portland. Bob was always a good husband to me: he went out of his way to please me in all things. Bob was a gentile. I am of Hebrew lineage. Bob walked the Messianic walk with me when he was saved in 1981; he loved me.

The Shabbat is a memorial in recognition of Yeshua’s creating the Earth & mankind – in which six days were spent on creation and the seventh day consecrated (set aside; made holy) for rest (Genesis 2:3). The keeping of the Sabbath is one of the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:8-11).

While I do not recognize orthodox religiosity, I do adhere to observing Shabbat as Yeshua observed it with His disciples. I follow Yeshua’s example in all the ways I live my life.

Observant Jews strictly follow the orthodox rabbis 39 types of Shabbat restrictions: they do not write or use money, cook, play music, or garden. Businesses are closed. All forms of modern-day life is ‘deactivated’ – use of electricity is forbidden, cars/bikes are parked for 24 hours – buses and trains may be utilized, phones are unplugged and turned off, and computers are shut down. Orthodox Shabbat does not accommodate modern lifestyles. Formal attire is requested.

On the other hand, Yeshua, Who came to Earth born under the Law, lived a Jewish human life for 33 years (John 1:11), is the only person EVER to have perfectly observed The Sabbath. He did this perfectly because Yeshua IS Creator … HE CREATED OUR WORLD, US, AND THE SABBATH ;-) Yeshua declared Himself to be Who He IS when He said, “the Son of man is Lord of The Sabbath” (Matthew 12:1-8). Yeshua worked on the Sabbath – picking corn to eat, ministering and healing people is work; Yeshua boldly stated that necessary work on the Sabbath is prudent, therefore permissible (Matthew 12:9-14). Sometimes I get fancy with my appearance … other times, I just wear jeans and a nice top.

So, I do my household tasks early in the day so my evenings are free to honor Elohei in a restive manner. People who know me, know that from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown I set myself apart from society and its stresses. My home is my calm place for at least 24 hours. Drop-in guests are welcome … but I generally do not leave the house unless there is an emergency that requires me to do so. When Bob’s spirit was still clothed in flesh, we talked. When our children and grandchildren were here, we talked and engaged in family stuff. Now, I am alone; now there is no reason to talk during Shabbat, unless friends stop by for a visit. I do have about 4 ounces of wine Friday & Saturday evenings, so friends who struggle with alcohol do not come during that period of time. So, my Shabbat’s are pretty low-key now. I talk and debate sometimes, I walk around the Park sometimes, I read, I listen to music, I sing, I eat … and sometimes have friends in for Supper where we share dishes and visit, I pray … Shabbat is a day to honor Yeshua; it is also the people’s day: we save our conversation, best foods, best wines for it; our homes are open to the single, widowed, and otherwise uncoupled people who have no one else to spend Shabbat with.

But, for the time being, I am alone for my Widow Shabbat’s – and yet, not so alone.

My home is ready, for these set-aside-24 hours, to receive messengers of peace. The Shabbat begins and ends with song – and I sing to welcome the angels of peace who will arrive with peace and joy, to transport our spirits from the weekday stresses to the Shabbat day of rest.

It has begun to rain, and the sun is slowly slipping over the horizon, almost reaching its ‘rest’ here in the PNW. The candles are lit, the blessing spoken … the Shabbat has been ushered in.

La’chiam! Shabbat Shalom :-D

MOD TULIP DUSTCOVER 2

Still working my way through my scrap worsted and Spring-themed appliance covers.

Last night, after Supper, I started on a tulip dust cover for the counter-top Panni Grill:

TULIP GRID. Pinterest photo-link. As you can see, I revised the grid directions several times to fit my appliance.

Tulip design finished; tied the yarn ends off, and went to bed ;-)

Tonight, after Supper, I got the dustcover all the way finished …

MOD Tulip Dustcover FINISHED. Front view with a simple ch4 chain loop edging.

MOD Tulip Dustcover FINISHED. Top view; I used 3 different colors of green in this design – a bright red for the tulip. And the same pretty blue background that the Winter Snowman dust cover is made with.

As well as serving a practical purpose, these colorful crocheted covers bring a little sunshine into the castle ;-)

 

EVOLUTION

This is what I posted to FB last year – today.

Most of it still holds true … some things have changed.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/08/still-standing.html)

**********

Daytrip to Mt. Rainer with our grandson; it was a fun day. I am glad I have this memory - I am glad Bob lives on in our grandson's DNA. I will never see, or hold either again. December 1^st, 2017.

February 27^th, 2019/8:35 AM: (POSTED TO FB ONLY) Every day since Bob stepped off this earth 2 months and 13 days ago, has been an empty and disjointed day.

As I post this Blog post today, it is 440 days exactly (to the hour, minute & sec) that Bob stepped off this earth. My days are not so empty or disjoined anymore.

I am functionable but not really living.

I am now functioning and thriving – though activity and thought process is still sluggish. It is progress, and I am hopeful.

I know there is something before me, waiting for me to claim it.

I don't know which direction to go.

My thoughts are scattered.

My life is empty of purpose.

I feel lost and adrift.

Bob was a HUGE PART of my life since I was 10 years old ... I married him 7 years later.

For 44 years we were joined heart-wise and at the hip.

Our thoughts always centered around/on each other - and that was probably hard on our kids. We were good parents to our kids; but unlike other parents who put their kids first, Bob & I always put our relationship first and foremost above anyone and everything else.

I am not going to apologize to the kids about this choice. They were loved and well cared for … they shunned our love, and scorned our way of life. When the child support payments stopped when Alex graduated High School; he pretty much stopped coming around to see his father. And when he did, he made our lives miserable with petty angsts: he always held out hope his parents would get back together. It was ridiculous. Stacey left home at 16, screaming she’d rather be in foster care or living under a bridge than under our roof – her complaint? We are Christians. Her life has been a train wreck due to her rebellious and self-imposed hardships. She primarily blames me for her choices; fabricating a fantastical life … that for 95% of her “truths” never happened … to feed her bitter hatreds; but she has blamed Bob too, when she is in overdrive. It is ridiculous.

I have nothing to apologize for. She, on the other hand, cannot say the same. And THAT is what really infuriates her. She does not want to face reality and take responsibility for her chosen actions which have led her to where her life currently is.

Not my fault – not my problem.

She continues to shun my love; she continues to scorn my way of life. She continues to hate and attack me with bitter vitriol.

She continues to be miserable.

She chose to cut me from her life and leave the burned bridge in scattered ashes … I let her.

I choose love and happiness; I choose peace.

I walk through our home and feel like a stranger in it now that he is no longer here with me.

I still walk through our home, feeling strange in it without him. But I am slowly making it my home, without him in it. It is a weird feeling, and a sorrowful process … but a necessary one. I refuse to let our home become a shrine that is not fully lived in: that would benefit nothing, or no one.

I am watching snowflakes fall and any other year I would be squealing like a little girl and Bob would be laughing at my excitement, and hugging me. He hated snow, but he knew his snowbaby loved it and often took me to the mountains to get my snow fix. This morning I am not squealing ... or excited: I am crying. Missing him. Missing the companionship; the closeness of 2 hearts beating as 1 in a shared moment.

This winter has been a very mild one. I still miss Bob; I still miss the companionship we shared. I still miss shared moments with the love of my life – but this morning I am not crying with the missingness.

I am healing.

My life is changing – it is evolving, being restructured. It is becoming something new; a reconfiguration of the past being molded and shaped by the present to become something that will survive the future.

Elohim has a plan for my life, and He is faithful to bring it to fruition. Yeshua – Creator, Lord & Savior, is ever present; and He is bringing my new life into being. Because I have free will, and am bulking at letting Bob go completely, this process is taking time. Elohim and Yeshua know this: they are patient with me.

Evolution takes time.

Knowing he is in Heaven helps; but I want him here.

With me.

And I know that will never be ever again.

I know I have to move forward, But how? To what end?

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/08/all-i-ask-for-anymore.html)

Bob has been in my life ALL of my life.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/08/it-took-while-but-we-finally-got-there.html)

He was THE purpose of my life. He "completed" me.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/08/i-only-want-to-be-with-you.html)

Bob was the purpose of my life. He did "complete" me; but he is in Heaven now, enjoying a vastly different life – a life I can only imagine and do all I can do to obtain myself when my time comes to leave this planet and it’s life behind.

I am trying to find new purpose and direction for my solo lobo life that will complete my life in another way, shape, and form.

I am still here … I know Elohim has a purpose and direction for my life; I just have to seek it and be willing to bend to that newness.

I feel there is no life left for me without him.

The grief is still with me; and probably will be for as long as I live. But it is not so raw anymore. I am learning to live again; in color.

I am not suicidal ... just wading through a broken life I do not recognize anymore; with no dependable GPS coordinates.

I do not believe suicide is the way out of pain. I have never – ever – entertained that idea, though some widows/widowers do. I do not have patience with people that entertain that choice. There is always something to live for. Always.

I am still wading through a shattered life I still do not recognize anymore, with no dependable GPS coordinates. But I am moving forward in Faith; with loving support from people who like me enough to want me to succeed in my new life.

Elohim is faithful.

Yeshua walks beside me.

And Bob’s love still fires my jets.

VERBAL PROCESSING

I was up and out of the house early this morning for exercise with my friends in Castle Rock. There were some people there this week that I had not met last week – all friendly, funny, and companionable for the 45 minutes I was there. I am sore when I leave because I am stretching and toning muscles I have not used since I was hefting my grandson ... I have not held, or lifted him in a long time. But the muscle burn is good; and I have always felt balanced after a good workout. I am glad I am doing this :-D

After exercise, I left castle Rock …

Smelt dipping along the Cowlitz River.

… and headed to Keenager’s, where meeting with friends there, boosted my spirit even more. I arrived early, so I waiting in the car and did a Word Search until the doors opened:

Elohei is faithful.

Once the doors opened, and while waiting for others to arrive, I schmoozed with Judy and her husband Dave – today’s kitchen hosts; Alice, who is a lovely person, asked me how I am doing (she is a widow too; about 25-30 years older than me), and I told her I am doing a lot better now that a lot of stress has been eliminated from my life. I also said that I have been set free to pursue a new life that will have nothing to do with hate anymore; and that I have given my life totally into Elohei’s hands, open to whatever He has waiting for me in my new life – He sees the future, and He knows what I need in my life. Love comes in many forms. I will accept what He sends my way and be thankful. Alice said it sounds like I am doing great after such a short period of regrouping time, and she is praying for me … and “anxiously waiting to see what happens” with my new life. And shy Dave showed up with 2 plates of sliced ham; and a meaty ham bone, that is now in my ‘fridge ;-)

I was wishing for a ham bone the other day – I would have gotten one from Alyna’s workplace in Portland, if Bob were still here. Or from Yelm’s butcher shop. But Bob is not here: and Yelm is a long way off. This is a special gift and an answer to prayer :-D

The message at today’s Keenager Meet was taken from Psalm 77. The theme was verbal processing. I chuckled and nodded my head as the speaker explained verbal processing: that is something I have done all my life – that is how I work through a problem until a solution is found. Bob understood that about me: it always annoys the kids. But Bob knew that when I am facing a huge issue, I have to verbally work through every single issue surrounding the main issue until I find the answer that is hidden in the puzzling issue. I have to solve the issue by verbalizing it and hearing the process; eventually the solution manifests itself, and the problem gets solved and settled. Bob understood that my verbal processing was my soul asking for Elohei’s insight, guidance, and solution assessment.

And anyone reading my FB or Blog posts can see that I am verbally processing what is happening in my life – I am very transparent with my thoughts, and they may be all over the place: but that is how verbal processing happens. If I don’t see the solution – someone reading or listening to me, might. But the solution is always there somewhere.

When I got back home, I was informed that the tent city camping around City Hall ...

... will not be shifted to the proposed Willow Grove-Industrial Way junction area. There was too much red tape and controversy over the wetlands situation and methane gas issue. ((((THANK YOU, ELOHIM!)))) I was worried when I read Monday, in the Park Newsletter, that the City Council was thinking of making that area a tent city sanctuary – that would literally have been in the Park’s backyard. And I am a woman alone now – an old woman, alone, now. Most of the people in tent cities are maximum security felons, hard core druggies and drug dealers, rapists and pedophiles, serious mental cases, and other criminal elements. They are in tent cities because they refuse to adhere to Shelter rules and regulations … or they are too violently dangerous to be allowed entrance into a Shelter. It would not have been a good situation; we are already having homeless people troll the Park, and last year there was a break-in and a murder in the Park; one street over from mine.

The best place to place the tent city if the City of Longview wants to be a sanctuary city is to place it next to the Court House where actual police monitoring will really happen – the City said there would be “police monitoring” at the Willow Grove-Industrial Way junction … but the City is notorious for stating, “We do not have the man-power” when people in rural areas, and the City outskirts request the police make an appearance to settle criminal activity. The police will only show up if there has been a physical assault – or a death; and even then, they take their time getting out here because ‘there is not enough manpower’ and ‘that’s outside the city limits – we’ll let the highway patrol know: they’ll contact you’ … HOURS LATER if you are lucky they respond at all. If there is a break-in or a trespass … they won’t even bother to show up. Unless there is an actual physical assault, or a death.

I am just thankful, and praising Elohim that the thing will not be set up out here. MPO is that government, city, and county officials that embrace sanctuary lawlessness should open their homes and their back yards to the criminal riff-raff they are passing off onto rural communities and city outskirts where there is no present police protection for the lawful people that PAY FOR police protection, and expect it.

I don’t even have the option of the protection of my children. My daughter’s response to my Monday concerns was, “You owe me an apology for the past 35 years; and if I don’t get it, you deserve whatever happens to you. I am not interested in rebuilding the burned bridge between us. And Alyna and Liam agree with me.” She said other things too, that drove the final nail home. So – there will be no help there, because there is no love there: it is scorched earth toxicity. And her response really settled the relationship question in both our minds: it’s over. Finished. I can move on and forward rebuilding my new life, with a clear conscience: and without worrying about ‘how my life choices may affect the family’. There is no immediate family anymore. Stacey ended that Monday morning.

I choose to be happy; I have always chosen to be happy.

There is no place anymore for unbridled hate in my life.

Today I was surrounded and cushioned by love all day long :-D

And verbal processing was flowing freely today ;-)

My friends understand me … and those who are only acquaintances are beginning to understand me.

Love embraces quirky weirdness.

Live for love is the motto for 2020.

I love You, Elohim.

I love you, Babe.

Always ~ OX