My life has changed so much since December 2018. I remarried January 7th, 2023 ... we sold the house, sold our vehicles - and bought a new 4x, a puppy, & a 5th Wheel to travel the mainland States and experience life in the slow lane. As always I record e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. happening in my life: I will share lots of pics & vids of our USA travels: I hope you enjoy our Blog.
I posted this post to my personal Page as well
as a Widow's page, today – last year ... and was immediately lambasted
by a woman who said: "I still want to know his reason for my husband
dying?"
I was a widow only 85 days: I didn’t know much about being a widow – I had
never been a widow before, but three things I DID KNOW … Elohim was not to
blame. I was glad my husband was no longer suffering as his earthen vessel
broke down. And Elohim does NOT have to give His
reasons for doing anything.
I also reminded her that I, too, was recently
widowed – "We are all born to die - we begin to die as soon as we take
our first breath. Some die sooner that we expect or
anticipate. My husband died recently too - and without anticipation: he died
quickly brought on by stresses we could not control: I hold those responsible –
responsible. So, I know your grief. But I never question God ... ever. Or
His timing."
I never question Elohei. N.E.V.E.R.
I never questioned why Bob was dying ... I KNEW who
caused the situation. Bob knew who caused the situation – and he said so, when
asked. He also forgave ‘little hitler’ before stepping from this life into
the next.
I
never blamed Elohim that a physical healing was withheld: Bob had already been
returned to me TWICE before: the 1st time in 1978, the 2nd time in 1981; Bob
TOLD me going to his first doctor appointment following the first 2018 ICU
incident that he didn't expect a healing this time ... Bob was ready to go
home if that is what Elohim wanted for him.
We
were prepared for Elohei's WILL.
And
we jumped through the medical hoops mostly because a standing DNR was active
and Bob didn't want me to be tied up with ensuing death investigations when it
was time for him to graduate.
Of course, I MISS BOB: and I ALWAYS WILL. He was
the love of my life. He was my best friend, and a trustworthy confident. He was
my lover, passionate and tender; always pleasing. Bob loved me. He was my
closest ally; my life coach, and my confident cheerleader. Because Bob loved me
unconditionally, I strove to be a better person – for him, for US. Bob
was e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. to me beside Elohei.
But I NEVER, not even once, blamed God for the loss of Bob's presence in my life.
Elohei
is the only ONE that kept me from flying apart those first shell-shocked weeks
when I moved through my shattered life like a zombie; Elohim is the One, Who,
brought helpful, knowledgeable, and steadfast loving friends into my life when
family abandoned me over the course of a 10 month period; leaving me to flounder
in a grief so deep and wide I thought at times I would drown from the overwhelming
weight of it: those friends supported me when swimming the depths of uncharted
grief left me exhausted and directionless. I do not believe I would have
survived Bob's leaving this earth if Elohim had not held me together with His
grace and love.
With everything that’s going on in the world here,
below the clouds … I admit I do get a little jealous sometimes that Bob is
there above it all; while I am still here – wishing to be there, too, above it
all too.
But, NO, I do not blame Elohim for asking Bob to “Come
Home, Son”. Bob is with Yeshua, the lover of his soul, his father Bob Sr., and
his grandparents – he is in the embrace of love. I am happy for him. I love
him.
I am happy for my husband. I love him.
I never question Elohei.
I trust.
I walk in Faith.
And someday, I too, will be
beyond the clouds with the ones I love; and was blessed to be loved by, when
they walked this earth. There is no sadness in that.
“There’s a new world somewhere, they call the promised land …”
Meanwhile –
Life goes on.
And we do what we have to do to make it the best we can.
For me, making my life “the best I can” involves busy work. I get antsy, and morose, if I’m idle too long. I’ve been stuck in-house since Sunday with household chores, and the 4 walls are starting to crowd me; so today between tasks, I made time to finish the painted driftwood garden art I started a few days ago – the painted piece of driftwood will sit atop one of the garden boxes’ lip, like the river rocks I hauled home from Toutle’s Tower Road, where Bob used to high dive off the old bridge (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/09/sunday-funday-2.html &https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/04/caribbean-blue_5.html):
Caribbean Blue painted driftwood w-tiny footprints. Painted freestyle with a paint pen.
Caribbean Blue finished: a reminder to myself of Elohim’s faithfulness; I sprayed the finished piece with a clear paint sealer to help protect from the outdoor elements.
While the paint dried, I got some more paper pots made up and started some more transplant seedlings – and noticed as I was setting the trays on window sills that the parrot tulips on the front porch had fully opened up (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/04/in-hopes-of-garden.html). In all the houses we’ve owned, windows and window sills are what I look for when house hunting (are there enough windows – how much sunlight will I get in the house; and are the window sills deep enough to hold my seedling trays?)
This house fits that bill. Bob always did good by me in making sure I had windows and window sills to tickle my fancy ;-)
The parrot tulips I bought last March: they caught my eye as I was walking into Safeway. Bob liked Parrot tulips, and he liked the color yellow because it’s a warm color and reminded him of summer sunshine. I bought the tulips because they’ll come back every year if I take care of them properly.
The color yellow in the language of flowers, represents joy and lightheartedness. It also symbolizes friendship, new beginnings, and happiness. When our daughter was born 9 months following our marriage, Bob brought to me a bouquet of flowers in the hospital – the arrangement was 1 red rose, 1 salmon rose, I pink rose, and 1 yellow rose: red for passion and a declaration of love – salmon for desire and excitement – pink for happiness and a show of appreciation, yellow for new happiness and new beginnings; the card read, in his own handwriting, “Your love shines so bright. Thank you. I love you – Bob”. Bob had been married before: our marriage, and the birth of our daughter, was a new beginning for him & he wanted me to know how much he loved me. Neither of us had ever truly been loved before: that bouquet spoke a lot to both of us …
Packets selected, and paper pots/labels made up for each seedling transplant to sown according to my Garden Plan notations.
Seedlings sown & placed in sunny windows – both sides of the livingroom. There are 109 sown seedlings total; also overwintered potted Coleus, & Geranium slips waiting to be transplanted.
I broke these tulips down into smaller clumps for repotting in the Summer, after they had finished blooming.
Opened Parrot Tulips, 2020.
I have to keep busy too, because of this virus upheaval. I refuse to let the {what if’s} rattle my cage and upset me. That upsets some people in my life, and I can’t help that – I am not responsible for their peace of mind; they have to do that themselves. I am only responsible for me. That may sound selfish, and perhaps it is to a degree; I understand that my lack of drama and tears could be seen as a total disregard for others, and I can’t help that either. People will think what they will think.
I’m not completely apathetic to the plight of the people of Longview, or even the entire world for that matter; but since becoming a widow, I’ve come to a place in my life where hysterical drama seems to me to be a frivolous luxury of emotion I choose not to indulge in. I’ve never lived my life in terms of ‘could’ve’, ‘should’ve’, or ‘what if’ – that line of thinking never leads anywhere positive or productive.
Secondly, I have bigger fish to fry. I can’t afford to go flying off into a million pieces, worrying about everyone else’s lives when I have my own life to hold together and shape into some sort of normalcy in my own space. And I really resent everyone else infringing on my space and trying to tell me how to live, what to do, and how to feel. During this crucial time of personal healing I can’t … and won’t … allow myself to be dragged into dramatic hysterics people seem to love taunting themselves with before a true tragedy occurs. I have realities I am dealing with. I know first-hand, and fairly recently, how quickly lives come to unexpected ends, and how tilted a personal world can get following the unexpected, and unimaginable. I don’t need to be giving an ear to projected unexpected tragedies put forward by drama queens with nothing better to do than dramatize situations and circumstances.
I just don’t have as much silly, frothy emotion to whip up anymore. I’m too busy trying to maintain – to keep my emotions on an even keel, so I can get through each day without dissolving into painful crying jags, or surges of overwhelming missingness of my husband that jolts me to the quick. It has taken me a year to steady my new life; I will not allow others to rock it again.
I have chosen not to waste whatever time I have left to live this life I now have – and I don’t sit around bemoaning what I’ve lost. Instead, I prefer to look around at what remains, and rebuild my life as best I can with what is left. Otherwise, there is no point at all in carrying out small pivotal moments that comprise an unfolding life of living.
So, I don’t get freaked out. I don’t get angry. I don’t get bitchy with others who are freaked out and get angry at me. There is no point to waste my emotions in such an aimless and frivolous manner.
This coronavirus will play itself out as long as it takes. And people will have to come to terms with that. Because no matter how much people think they can control what happens in their lives, they can’t: and we are all, eventually, humbled in an instant. And then we are sorting through our altered lives and realizing that the small things don’t matter one iota. Time is short. Life should be lived while you have it to live, not wasted on fears that steal wonder and cripple lives.
Tonight, when I took the garbage out, I happened to catch a glimpse of the moon coming up in the twilight hour:
Moon coming up.
When my eyes are drawn to the sky now, I
often wonder how it must seem to Bob looking down on earth from the other side
of our parallel habitations.
This is where my thoughts go now.
I don’t have time to waste on {what if} fears of coronavirus.
I already know what it is like to live without the one person who made my life worth living. And I know I’ll never find another Bob. He was my ‘someone forever and a day’ …
2 things had me taking heat again today: the push for mandatory vaccines, and a funeral for a cop.
The vaccines issue is a long-standing issue with me; the slap-in-the-face funeral is a recent peeve.
I like the TV sitcom, ‘The Twilight Zone’, but I do not want to live in TV Land!
The thing with people like bill gates and his ilk, is that they are bored with real life and actually begin to live in their fantasy land, where they become dictators, demanding worship for their poisonous bullshit.
Think jim jones … same concept here with bill gates.
There is already a requirement in place for vaccination for people traveling out of country – this is not a new concept, and bill gates certainly did not think of it first.
This computer nerd doesn’t have a medical degree, and he isn’t a practicing MD – but, all of a sudden, he’s on every media source that will give him 5 bullshit minutes, and he’s hailed as “an authority” on global health. WHO elected bill gates ‘king savior of the world’? He owns a few medical labs – so what? We all know healthcare is about making $$$$$$. Healthcare is not about actual health. People being “treated” are nothing more than medical guinea pigs.
I chose not to be a guinea pig. And Bob was furious to be turned into one against his will.
I don’t vaccine. I stopped giving my children vaccines in 1978 – waaaaay before it became a yuppie trend to snub vaccines. I had been faithfully making sure my daughter got her booster shots and vaccines from birth to 3 years of age. I stopped in her 3rd year because it was apparent to me that everytime she got her updates, she would end up in the hospital for a week or more – e.v.e.r.y.6.m.o.n.t.h.s: the last time, we barely made ER in time to save her life. Doctors said they were having a hard time treating her because everytime they thought they got a handle on the problem, the situation morphed into something else. That immediately made me think of the vaccines. I kept asking doctors, “Could it be the vaccines?” They kept stonewalling. THEY KNEW it was the vaccines. I looked at my husband looking at our daughter laying there in her hospital bed – tied to the bed because she was having seizures due to the 106 temperature, and I said, “If she comes out of this, she will never get another vaccine as long as I breathe. NO MORE.” An she never did.
bill gates hails from a family with eugenics beliefs: meaning elites (the privileged few) get to choose who lives and who dies. People, like bill gates, that want population reduction … should start with reducing themselves. MPO. The elite actually come to believe they are gods because they are fawned on and catered to by talking heads and taken into political confidences. THAT ALONE should disqualify them as nothing more than hot air and puff-n-stuff. bill gates has no official position anywhere; who does he think he is to be advising the entire world? I will be more than happy to show bill gates where he can put his vaccine certificate. The bill and melissa gates foundation was kicked out of India a few years back – during the obama era (obama also pushed the eugenics/vaccine agenda): https://steemit.com/life/@pranavsinha/bill-and-melinda-gates-foundation-kicked-out-of-india
I’ll chance my risks with natural living in a risky world; and I’m going to steal a mantra from the pro-abortionists, and say, “MY body – MY choice!” I’m not responsible for all the lives on planet Earth: I am responsible only for me. Period.
I’ll take the heat for that stance.
Then there is the hero worship of public servants …
We are told to stay home: NO GATHERINGS AT ALL with our “brothers and sisters” – no gathering for bedside vigils, no gathering for funerals.
This procession and send off is bogus.
And people should be outraged.
I know I am.
August 29th, 2018 came to mind – I went and retrieved my handwritten notes of that afternoon. My hand was actually shaking unfolding that paper and rereading what I had noted of that convo – when candy scott showed up on our front porch screaming and waving highlighted papers at us, we listened until I saw Bob getting agitated … then I told her to leave because she was upsetting my husband and he can’t be stressed like that. She refused; I said I’d get a lawyer and sue her fat ass. She finally left – I called the Sherriff’s Office to get a restraining order, and was told by the deputy that the confrontation didn’t warrant his intervention and I should be ashamed for bringing my husband’s health into the mix … I hung up on him as he continued to try to shame me for asking for legal help to save my husband’s life. That was the afternoon of August 29th, 2018. Noon, the following day: August 30th, Bob was in the local ER being told he was dying from stress-induced pancreatitis. He never came home to live his life out again. Bob’s physical body died December 14th, 2018 in another state, in another hospital.
“Neither the Constitution, nor state law, impose a general duty upon police officers or other governmental officials to protect individual persons from harm — even when they know the harm will occur,” said Darren L. Hutchinson, a professor and associate dean at the University of Florida School of Law. “Police can watch someone attack you, refuse to intervene and not violate the Constitution.” The Supreme Court has repeatedly held that the government has only a duty to protect persons who are “in custody,” he pointed out.
Memories of that August 29th, 2018 phone convo still makes me angry.
Meanwhile, candy scott and ron cook continue on with their lives refusing any responsibility at all for my husband’s death; and the local police continue to behave like demigods deserving of hero status just because they wear a badge.
“Yes! I am pissed”. I have a right to be.
And “No!” I do not think public servants (cops, nurses, doctors, ect.) should be given hero status for doing jobs they studied and signed up for. They are NOT “doing selfless jobs” – they are doing jobs. Period. And being paid a king’s ransom for doing it … we are, in essence, paying off their training and tuition costs as well as the costs for county vehicles, scanning laptops, hospital expansions … ect. And for what? To be treated badly when we show up – or ask them to actually show up? To be openly slighted, and then overbilled for a service they claim they do selflessly?
People do selfless things every day, and get no recognition at all: which is AS IT SHOULD BE when it's a "selfless act". police do a friggin J.O.B. ... and half the time, they refuse to show up unless someone is actually physically attacked, or killed. I don't consider that selfless.
Holding public servants and governing officials to a different standard than the rest of us is nonsense. Local businesses are shut down. Local people are told to hole up in their houses, sit on their hands, and put their lives on wait “for public safety” – one man even being kept inside his home under police guards because he wanted to go outside. In his own backyard! The general public is being told they cannot gather together to visit a loved one who is dying in the hospital … and they cannot gather for a funeral. People are begin arrested for simply being outside – in the middle of the river on a boogie board. BUT gathering FOR a policeman who died doing the job he signed up for and was paid for, is suddenly okay? WITH a massive number of vehicles making a parade through several counties, and 350 people in CLOSE attendance?
It’s utter bullshit.
Bullshit exempted, privilege’s given, and exemptions extended because it wasn’t a ‘regular’ joe. Bullshit funded by the regular joe’s tax dollars.
It’s a slap in the face for the general populace.
If the State is going to be in mandatory lock-down, EVERYONE needs to be in mandatory lockdown: including public servants.
Oh, we can’t logically have that?
Right.
And that is WHY quarantines do not work.
Any weakness in the chain weakens the entire chain.
I am outraged at the double standard.
All the way around … from August 29th, 2018 to today, April 7th, 2020.
If a funeral procession and gathering can take place for a cop, then our lives should proceed forward also as if nothing momentous … like the hysterical governor induced coronavirus shut down … is happening. There should be no threats, no arrests, and no mandatory thumb screws slapped on regular joe's and janes.
It’s only right – and just.
I live in America. I was born an America. I claim my American Citizenship Rights: no forced vaccine, and no forced hero worship to a man, or woman. Total freedom to move about freely and live my life the way I see fit in the pursuit of happiness.
NO ONE has the right to tell me otherwise.
I’ll take the heat for that stance.
“A free people ought not only be armed and disciplined, but they should have sufficient arms and ammunition to maintain a status of independence from any who might attempt to abuse them, which would include their own government.” – George Washington
I woke up very early this morning, so my common sense told me this morning would be a good time to fetch that bottled water that needs to replenished – early morning hours are the time stores have set aside for Seniors to do their shopping with as little as possible interaction with the public as a whole. I’m not worried I’ll get the virus … but any time I can shop without being hemmed in by elbows, running kids, and non-stop carts followed by throngs of people, I’m game ;-)
I even left the house without making the bed first. That rarely happens – no matter what – in our home, the bed is always made before the day gets underway (military upbringing). But, today is my ‘busy day’ when the bed is stripped and refreshed with fresh sheets anyway, so leaving it until I came back home didn’t trigger the guilt switch.
I walked out the door, locked it, and set the security system … while reading the day’s newsfeed on my phone. Instantly I was pissed when I read the news caption that inslee was sending 400 of WA State’s 500 ventilators to NY because “Washington doesn’t need them”.
WTH?? inslee has our state in a mandatory house arrest situation because he’s afraid the coronavirus will get out of control – and he has extended the ‘shelter-in-place’ mandate into May because he is “concerned THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH MEDICAL SUPPLIES FOR THE HOSPIALS”. inslee has been bitching nonstop about President Trump’s assumed lackadaisical attitude … but WHEN VENTS ARE SENT TO WA, HE GIVES THEM AWAY? And closes schools through the school year “to reduce deaths”. inslee is playing fast and lose political games.
I have been saying for weeks that this virus hysteria is all political hype, and that we need to stand for our freedom to conduct ourselves as Americans with common sense to take care of ourselves. The freedom to do so came as a great cost of lives to claim and maintain that freedom; and have been mocked, scorned, and attacked for saying such.
The cost of freedom.
This song was written during another American episode of political overreach – the Kent State tragedy, where politically-whipped-hysteria overrode common sense. This song embodied death then, and it embodies death now … and the concept is still the same: government overreach.
Vindication for my right to conduct myself freely in my State as a free American Citizen with common sense, came in the newsfeed this morning.
But, though I felt vindicated … I also felt pissed. People are being forced by campaigning governors to sit at home, on their hands when they could be working – and want to be working. Their financial securities are dwindling, and some may not even have jobs to go back to: their mortgages and rents, car payments, school tuition's, ect. may never recoup the huge financial hits – and the economy is on a serious downward slide, all because inslee is running fast and furious in an attempt to become biden’s vp choice. He has also used this state lockdown to pass 2 {laws} into effect without informing the public or allowing a public vote. That demoncrat schmuck needs to be VOTED OUT! Asap.
Following THAT maddening news flash, was the announcement that a demoncrat in Ohio is insisting the hauge (a foreign court) prosecute President Trump for ‘Crimes Against Humanity’. The demoncrat party is STILL wasting time and taxpayer monies in a ridiculous smear campaign based on unadulterated hate.
This is the demoncrat operates modus. Create a panic and use the situation to push pet agendas through. I am sick of the bullshit. American needs to go back to work and Americans need to get on with their lives.
I have been getting on with my life: this virus hysteria has not stopped me in the least from doing what I normally do in my day-to-day activities. But it pisses me off that so many others have been effected, and that effect affects ALL of us. We ALL have to pay for demoncrat nonsense. Because of the political games being played by demoncrat governors, State stability has seriously been undermined, economy gains have been totally erased, financial insecurity has caused unwarranted upheaval on every level of society (not just financial), and people suffered significant losses to their retirement securities.
I’m doing okay – but people I personally know, are not.
When I got downtown and into Winco, there were a few older people milling around looking sleepy-eyed – but by and large, most shoppers were under 40. Very few were following procedure (6 feet distancing, carefully interacting with others, ect.), and even less had masks and gloves on: it wouldn’t matter anyway, given the conflicting ‘medical information’ the public has been getting – even medical {experts} can’t agree on “procedure”. So, I just do what I need to do; same as usual – washing and sanitizing my hands a little more frequently. The cashiers are standing behind fiberglass shields that have been screwed to their cashier stations, but NONE of them wear gloves or face masks. I did notice too, that the cost of items has gone up, while the items themselves have become very scarce:
These rolls are ALL there is in the TP isle; it is all that is being stocked. Full price for half the amount of the item.
It will be difficult for people to stay afloat, or even get ahead again when the hysteria dies down and life gets back to “normal” again. The simple pleasures in life will be out of reach for many more months, for many.
I bet Bob is feeling blessed to be out of this mess down here on Earth.
I don’t think anyone I know personally has suffered a coronavirus death in their immediate circle. At least I have not heard of it, and I’ve been keeping in weekly contact with everyone in my small social circle. So far as I know … to date/as I type … I am the only person to have had a loss; Bob’s illness caught us by surprise in August of 2018, and was entirely different.
This time last year, I was a new widow 113 days into my unwanted life. I had much to see-do-learn: I had to pull on past memories to recall how to solo lobo. I had no income … Social Security was holding up Bob benefits until they figured out who I was and what I deserved; they had all the necessary papers, but it’s a government savings account – there is a LOT of red tape. While they ran background checks and held up Bob’s penalized benefits check; Elohim called my friends into action, and they stepped in and stepped up: they literally kept me afloat – and kept me connected to life support. I was glad for their hands of friendship; I was glad they love me and kept me in their lives even without Bob being present. I am not good at reaching out to others. They know that about me, so they gave me my space for 2 months, then they politely intervened.
I had, throughout the years of my life solo loboed (before I married Bob, and a few years he worked away from home during our marriage) – but this month, last year, the solo lobo aspect of my life took on a whole new meaning. I was totally on my own. Bob would never be coming home again. ANY decision I made would be final; without feedback from my husband. At first making decisions for my new life on my own, with a thought process that was faulty at best and just plain nonexistent at worse, was scary. Second-guessing e.v.e.r.y.s.i.n.g.l.e.d.e.c.i.s.i.o.n. was frustratingly exhausting. I knew that whatever I signed off on, whatever I agreed to or disagreed with verbally, whatever was signed/sealed/delivered to company CEO’s and lawyers … was finalized. It was scary without Bob’s input. I did my best to remember how he would look at the situations, analyze the whole scope, and deal with the situations effectively. By and large everything went well – except for AT & T. THAT ordeal dragged on for 11 fricking months! And, I am guessing, it will always be a financial headache given the way they billing is setup. But I want to keep Bob’s phone, so I will bite my knuckles when dealing with those morons, rather than reach for the brass knuckles like I really want to do.
Things are much easier to deal with now – my brain doesn’t misfire so much anymore, and people/businesses who thought they could take advantage of me because I am a widow have learned that this widow has a bite and isn’t afraid to snap her teeth at them. My reality doesn’t seem do surreal – I’m not looking into my future through a wavy kind of desert view anymore: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRAiRVreVAQ
I am healing.
I am seeing life in color now; without the wavy distortion effects. And I’m not allowing anyone to take my kaleidoscope from me. I am finding my balance. It is strange, living in the present and juggling the past – a widow’s world has shifted on its axis, giving day-to-day momentum a surreal concept, and throwing everything into question. It is not easy to live between 2 worlds.
One of the times … and the only time right now … when my world is balanced, is when I hike, alone, on secluded trails that normally have lots of foot traffic – but not so much anymore due to the virus hysteria. I’m okay with the seclusion. I admit it feels strange to be walking river trails instead of mountain trails, but this is my life now: Bob’s preferences have become mine, mostly due to the fact that being in the mountains alone is not wise for a woman alone. River trails are more open-view, less private: for this solo lobo, that is a good thing. So, I set my feet on a path, my face exposed to the biting river winds, and listen to the ducks’ squawk, or river bird’s in flight calling to each other high above me. On one river trail locale, I can watch rabbits darting about. I put one foot in front of the other. Again, and again. I am not worrying about anything. I am not planning anything; I am not really even thinking past placing one foot in front of the other as I walk along. I only walk. And breathe. When I am outside in the elements, I feel one with the planet – I begin feel that perhaps I do still have a purpose. I find a sliver of hope that perhaps, soon, I will know that I am wholly healed.
I am a work in progress and I can’t afford to be tripped up in my journey. It is imperative that I continue with the healing process.
So, I really do not have time for political games and the ensuing hysteria everyone seems to relish. I do definitely understand that this virus is a real thing, BUT I view life differently now. Bob’s absence in my life has changed me forever: things that would concern me before, don’t seem so concerning to me now. It is startling to me to see how much of Bob’s character from our life together, in the past, is rubbing off on me in my now. While I still do voice my opinions … I don’t voice them as loudly, or as often: I go out of my way to avoid conflict now. When people shout at me now, I don’t shout back; I take a calmer approach – or I just shrug and walk away. Bob was always the calm one in our relationship; he wasn’t easily ruffled, even when people got nose to nose with him. “It’s just a view” he say, “hardly worth wrestling with them over”. He could hold his own with anyone, and I'm glad no one ever tested him; he always leaned towards kindness and talked people down, even when people really deserved a punch in the nose.
I always saw myself as a misfit, content to stand apart in my uniqueness. I felt weird and awkward around people; I am deep, complicated, often misunderstood. Aimless chatter annoys me. Pointless social chit-chat bores me. I was always an outcast in social circles. Alone.
And then Bob came into my life.
He embraced all of me and taught me that it’s okay to be me.
Because Bob loved me so thoroughly and so unconditionally, he birthed a confidence in me that propels me forward in my new life. Now that I am a widow, I pull on that love birthed confidence to search for what connects me to a small sector of society I feel comfortable navigating.
I can walk away from hysterical dramas that want to suck me into their bottomless abyss. I can be aware of what’s going on around me without getting caught in the vortex. I know the dangers of coronavirus, but … I also know that we are all born to die; and when that time comes, it cannot be avoided. No matter what. I have witnessed that reality; and it has made me different. I know what it is like to feel lost and afraid. And I also know how to rise above that fear. I know how futile it is to try to control situations; and I have learned to let go and just rest in the peace that passes all understanding. Everyone fears losing those they love: I understand that.
I used to be careful in how I put myself forward – I was shy and slow to warm up to people; afraid of rejection. Bob was the outgoing one, and I was happy to ride on his shirttails. Then, my careful world was shattered: one moment he was laughing with our grandson as they built garden boxes for me - the next he was in ER after a front porch confrontation that was stupid … and 3-1/2 months later, he was gone. There would be no more laughter. Where time was always spread out before us, time suddenly became a very short road to travel.
If I escape this virus and Elohim grants me a longer life, I will know wrinkles, achy joints, and chin whiskers. I will also have many more moments of joy, and glimpses of serene peace when achy-breaky memories threaten to undo me. Bob’s absence in my life reminds me that life is fleeting, but it must be lived while I still have it – I must remember this always. As a solo lobo I want to make every second of my life count: I don’t want to waste a minute of it.
My social calendar; which, lately due to political hysteria, has been fairly empty will soon be filled again with scheduled meetups and social events.
The cost of Bob’s freedom due to his illness and subsequent physical death makes me different in my freedom.
