I woke up very early this morning, so my common sense told me this morning would be a good time to fetch that bottled water that needs to replenished – early morning hours are the time stores have set aside for Seniors to do their shopping with as little as possible interaction with the public as a whole. I’m not worried I’ll get the virus … but any time I can shop without being hemmed in by elbows, running kids, and non-stop carts followed by throngs of people, I’m game ;-)
I even left the house without making the bed first. That rarely happens – no matter what – in our home, the bed is always made before the day gets underway (military upbringing). But, today is my ‘busy day’ when the bed is stripped and refreshed with fresh sheets anyway, so leaving it until I came back home didn’t trigger the guilt switch.
I walked out the door, locked it, and set the security system … while reading the day’s newsfeed on my phone. Instantly I was pissed when I read the news caption that inslee was sending 400 of WA State’s 500 ventilators to NY because “Washington doesn’t need them”.
WTH?? inslee has our state in a mandatory house arrest situation because he’s afraid the coronavirus will get out of control – and he has extended the ‘shelter-in-place’ mandate into May because he is “concerned THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH MEDICAL SUPPLIES FOR THE HOSPIALS”. inslee has been bitching nonstop about President Trump’s assumed lackadaisical attitude … but WHEN VENTS ARE SENT TO WA, HE GIVES THEM AWAY? And closes schools through the school year “to reduce deaths”. inslee is playing fast and lose political games.
I have been saying for weeks that this virus hysteria is all political hype, and that we need to stand for our freedom to conduct ourselves as Americans with common sense to take care of ourselves. The freedom to do so came as a great cost of lives to claim and maintain that freedom; and have been mocked, scorned, and attacked for saying such.
The cost of freedom.
This song was written during another American episode of political overreach – the Kent State tragedy, where politically-whipped-hysteria overrode common sense. This song embodied death then, and it embodies death now … and the concept is still the same: government overreach.
Vindication for my right to conduct myself freely in my State as a free American Citizen with common sense, came in the newsfeed this morning.
But, though I felt vindicated … I also felt pissed. People are being forced by campaigning governors to sit at home, on their hands when they could be working – and want to be working. Their financial securities are dwindling, and some may not even have jobs to go back to: their mortgages and rents, car payments, school tuition's, ect. may never recoup the huge financial hits – and the economy is on a serious downward slide, all because inslee is running fast and furious in an attempt to become biden’s vp choice. He has also used this state lockdown to pass 2 {laws} into effect without informing the public or allowing a public vote. That demoncrat schmuck needs to be VOTED OUT! Asap.
Following THAT maddening news flash, was the announcement that a demoncrat in Ohio is insisting the hauge (a foreign court) prosecute President Trump for ‘Crimes Against Humanity’. The demoncrat party is STILL wasting time and taxpayer monies in a ridiculous smear campaign based on unadulterated hate.
(https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2020/apr/6/tavia-galonski-ohio-democrat-wants-to-take-trump-t/)
This is the demoncrat operates modus. Create a panic and use the situation to push pet agendas through. I am sick of the bullshit. American needs to go back to work and Americans need to get on with their lives.
I have been getting on with my life: this virus hysteria has not stopped me in the least from doing what I normally do in my day-to-day activities. But it pisses me off that so many others have been effected, and that effect affects ALL of us. We ALL have to pay for demoncrat nonsense. Because of the political games being played by demoncrat governors, State stability has seriously been undermined, economy gains have been totally erased, financial insecurity has caused unwarranted upheaval on every level of society (not just financial), and people suffered significant losses to their retirement securities.
I’m doing okay – but people I personally know, are not.
When I got downtown and into Winco, there were a few older people milling around looking sleepy-eyed – but by and large, most shoppers were under 40. Very few were following procedure (6 feet distancing, carefully interacting with others, ect.), and even less had masks and gloves on: it wouldn’t matter anyway, given the conflicting ‘medical information’ the public has been getting – even medical {experts} can’t agree on “procedure”. So, I just do what I need to do; same as usual – washing and sanitizing my hands a little more frequently. The cashiers are standing behind fiberglass shields that have been screwed to their cashier stations, but NONE of them wear gloves or face masks. I did notice too, that the cost of items has gone up, while the items themselves have become very scarce:
These rolls are ALL there is in the TP isle; it is all that is being stocked. Full price for half the amount of the item.
It will be difficult for people to stay afloat, or even get ahead again when the hysteria dies down and life gets back to “normal” again. The simple pleasures in life will be out of reach for many more months, for many.
I bet Bob is feeling blessed to be out of this mess down here on Earth.
I don’t think anyone I know personally has suffered a coronavirus death in their immediate circle. At least I have not heard of it, and I’ve been keeping in weekly contact with everyone in my small social circle. So far as I know … to date/as I type … I am the only person to have had a loss; Bob’s illness caught us by surprise in August of 2018, and was entirely different.
This time last year, I was a new widow 113 days into my unwanted life. I had much to see-do-learn: I had to pull on past memories to recall how to solo lobo. I had no income … Social Security was holding up Bob benefits until they figured out who I was and what I deserved; they had all the necessary papers, but it’s a government savings account – there is a LOT of red tape. While they ran background checks and held up Bob’s penalized benefits check; Elohim called my friends into action, and they stepped in and stepped up: they literally kept me afloat – and kept me connected to life support. I was glad for their hands of friendship; I was glad they love me and kept me in their lives even without Bob being present. I am not good at reaching out to others. They know that about me, so they gave me my space for 2 months, then they politely intervened.
I had, throughout the years of my life solo loboed (before I married Bob, and a few years he worked away from home during our marriage) – but this month, last year, the solo lobo aspect of my life took on a whole new meaning. I was totally on my own. Bob would never be coming home again. ANY decision I made would be final; without feedback from my husband. At first making decisions for my new life on my own, with a thought process that was faulty at best and just plain nonexistent at worse, was scary. Second-guessing e.v.e.r.y.s.i.n.g.l.e.d.e.c.i.s.i.o.n. was frustratingly exhausting. I knew that whatever I signed off on, whatever I agreed to or disagreed with verbally, whatever was signed/sealed/delivered to company CEO’s and lawyers … was finalized. It was scary without Bob’s input. I did my best to remember how he would look at the situations, analyze the whole scope, and deal with the situations effectively. By and large everything went well – except for AT & T. THAT ordeal dragged on for 11 fricking months! And, I am guessing, it will always be a financial headache given the way they billing is setup. But I want to keep Bob’s phone, so I will bite my knuckles when dealing with those morons, rather than reach for the brass knuckles like I really want to do.
Things are much easier to deal with now – my brain doesn’t misfire so much anymore, and people/businesses who thought they could take advantage of me because I am a widow have learned that this widow has a bite and isn’t afraid to snap her teeth at them. My reality doesn’t seem do surreal – I’m not looking into my future through a wavy kind of desert view anymore: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRAiRVreVAQ
I am healing.
I am seeing life in color now; without the wavy distortion effects. And I’m not allowing anyone to take my kaleidoscope from me. I am finding my balance. It is strange, living in the present and juggling the past – a widow’s world has shifted on its axis, giving day-to-day momentum a surreal concept, and throwing everything into question. It is not easy to live between 2 worlds.
One of the times … and the only time right now … when my world is balanced, is when I hike, alone, on secluded trails that normally have lots of foot traffic – but not so much anymore due to the virus hysteria. I’m okay with the seclusion. I admit it feels strange to be walking river trails instead of mountain trails, but this is my life now: Bob’s preferences have become mine, mostly due to the fact that being in the mountains alone is not wise for a woman alone. River trails are more open-view, less private: for this solo lobo, that is a good thing. So, I set my feet on a path, my face exposed to the biting river winds, and listen to the ducks’ squawk, or river bird’s in flight calling to each other high above me. On one river trail locale, I can watch rabbits darting about. I put one foot in front of the other. Again, and again. I am not worrying about anything. I am not planning anything; I am not really even thinking past placing one foot in front of the other as I walk along. I only walk. And breathe. When I am outside in the elements, I feel one with the planet – I begin feel that perhaps I do still have a purpose. I find a sliver of hope that perhaps, soon, I will know that I am wholly healed.
I am a work in progress and I can’t afford to be tripped up in my journey. It is imperative that I continue with the healing process.
So, I really do not have time for political games and the ensuing hysteria everyone seems to relish. I do definitely understand that this virus is a real thing, BUT I view life differently now. Bob’s absence in my life has changed me forever: things that would concern me before, don’t seem so concerning to me now. It is startling to me to see how much of Bob’s character from our life together, in the past, is rubbing off on me in my now. While I still do voice my opinions … I don’t voice them as loudly, or as often: I go out of my way to avoid conflict now. When people shout at me now, I don’t shout back; I take a calmer approach – or I just shrug and walk away. Bob was always the calm one in our relationship; he wasn’t easily ruffled, even when people got nose to nose with him. “It’s just a view” he say, “hardly worth wrestling with them over”. He could hold his own with anyone, and I'm glad no one ever tested him; he always leaned towards kindness and talked people down, even when people really deserved a punch in the nose.
I always saw myself as a misfit, content to stand apart in my uniqueness. I felt weird and awkward around people; I am deep, complicated, often misunderstood. Aimless chatter annoys me. Pointless social chit-chat bores me. I was always an outcast in social circles. Alone.
And then Bob came into my life.
He embraced all of me and taught me that it’s okay to be me.
Because Bob loved me so thoroughly and so unconditionally, he birthed a confidence in me that propels me forward in my new life. Now that I am a widow, I pull on that love birthed confidence to search for what connects me to a small sector of society I feel comfortable navigating.
I can walk away from hysterical dramas that want to suck me into their bottomless abyss. I can be aware of what’s going on around me without getting caught in the vortex. I know the dangers of coronavirus, but … I also know that we are all born to die; and when that time comes, it cannot be avoided. No matter what. I have witnessed that reality; and it has made me different. I know what it is like to feel lost and afraid. And I also know how to rise above that fear. I know how futile it is to try to control situations; and I have learned to let go and just rest in the peace that passes all understanding. Everyone fears losing those they love: I understand that.
I used to be careful in how I put myself forward – I was shy and slow to warm up to people; afraid of rejection. Bob was the outgoing one, and I was happy to ride on his shirttails. Then, my careful world was shattered: one moment he was laughing with our grandson as they built garden boxes for me - the next he was in ER after a front porch confrontation that was stupid … and 3-1/2 months later, he was gone. There would be no more laughter. Where time was always spread out before us, time suddenly became a very short road to travel.
If I escape this virus and Elohim grants me a longer life, I will know wrinkles, achy joints, and chin whiskers. I will also have many more moments of joy, and glimpses of serene peace when achy-breaky memories threaten to undo me. Bob’s absence in my life reminds me that life is fleeting, but it must be lived while I still have it – I must remember this always. As a solo lobo I want to make every second of my life count: I don’t want to waste a minute of it.
My social calendar; which, lately due to political hysteria, has been fairly empty will soon be filled again with scheduled meetups and social events.
The cost of Bob’s freedom due to his illness and subsequent physical death makes me different in my freedom.
I love you, Babe.
Always ~ OX
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