HIS GRACE IS STILL SUFFICIENT FOR ME

What a roller coaster ride this year has been. Reflecting on posts from this time last year, I am thankful that though I was suddenly alone and cast adrift on this widowhood journey, Elohim never left me alone.

His grace was … and still is … sufficient for me.

By His strength I am upheld, supported, prospered, and sanctified. When I am at my weakest point, He lifts me up and places me in the safety of The Rock (Isaiah 28:16 & Romans 9:33), where life’s tempests swirl and howl around me; but cannot touch me. When sudden, unexpected emotions overwhelm me and my knees buckle with the onslaught, He comes alongside me and lends His shoulder for me to lean against as we walk together through the turmoil (Isaiah 41:10-11). And I hear Him whisper gently as He hugs me tight against His supportive shoulder, “It’s okay Val: I have everything under control. You just lean on Me; everything will work out. You’ll see. In these days of uncertainty and economic crisis, don’t worry about tomorrow; I will meet all your needs according to My riches in glory: I am well able to do immeasurably more than you can ask or even imagine.” (Matthew 6:25-34, John 14:27, Hebrews 13:5)

What a blessing!

What promises!

What wonderful expectations to look forward to.

I am a Daughter of the Most High God, a joint-heir justified in Yeshua, and can rightly expect the fulfillment of these promises (Hebrews 2:1, Hebrews 12:14, 1 Corinthians 6:11, & Ephesians 1:13).

When I stay in Him, He stays in me (1 Chronicles 16:11, 1 John 1:9, 1 John 3:9 & 1 Thessalonians 5:23).

When I find myself harassed by life’s stressors and seek His strength, and seek His presence continually; I find Him immediately beside me, comforting me and rejoicing over me with gladness as he quiets my soul, exulting over me with joyous singing (Zephaniah 3:17). I have in the past, clearly heard that singing … and it is beautiful and comforting.

Since my husband stepped off this planet, I have weathered many of life’s storms as I came to terms with my husband’s physical death; financial upheaval; the total loss of family as siblings/in-laws/and children abandoned me (all documented in my 2019 Blog posts) – but, Yeshua remained my constant and faithful 24/hr. companion.

I didn’t even know how to pray: ME! A Prayer Warrior couldn’t dredge up more than a pitiful ‘Help me, Yeshua! Please!’ plea during those first 6 tumultuous months. I would walk through my days like a zombie and fall into bed every night wondering what I actually did during the day besides cry. I would lay there, in the dark, ignoring the empty spot next to me where my husband had lay for our 44 years together. I would lay there, staring at the ceiling with tears running down the sides of my face, wetting my pillow, and silently cry, “Help me, Yeshua! Please. Help me!”

And He did.

Yeshua sent familiar comforters to me: Bob’s younger brother, Kerry to help me … and to help me learn how to do man-things on my own. Yeshua sent Mike and Cheryl, and Pam, to me. Cheryl called every day for those first widowhood weeks; she still calls weekly. Mike and Cheryl came by frequently – and later, when I was able, asked me to join them just as frequently when they were out and about: Mike’s help – and explaining to me – in man-things that needed doing, was invaluable. About this time, last year, Pam also started coming with Cheryl when she came to visit me. They all helped me in ways that words simply cannot express. And I found out recently that they were ALL dealing with personal hardships of their own too: though not as hard as the loss of a spouse, it is still very hard to go through. I am grateful for the time they took to love me back to the land of the functionally living: and I hope and pray I can be as worthy a friend to them.

Enjoying a bowl of frozen blueberries, I picked with Mike and Cheryl this summer. I could hear bees all around me – large colonies – but never got stung once. Good thing too, as I didn’t have an EpiPen. Elohim was faithful to keep me safe. "Oh, taste and see that The Lord is good".

Keenager’s, a weekly Senior Meet-n-Greet that Bob & I enjoyed … and I now attend alone; is also a familiar comfort to me; I have been adopted by a group of 5 friends who have opened their arms of friendship to me. I am blessed. And I since December of 2019, have joined 2 local Senior Centers to engage in periodic activities there.

I still have moments – and I am sure I will always struggle with Bob’s absence in my life, but I am stronger today that I was this day last year … and every day I get a little stronger. In my human weakness, His grace is sufficient for me.

Today, as I look forward to what 2020 will bring into my new life, I look back at the adventures I shared with Bob, and hold them in my memories where they will forever remain as I look forward to new adventures: the things Bob and I enjoyed together is no longer safe or prudent for me to do as a solo lobo; things like taking mini vacas at the spur-of-the-moment; shoestring local vacas, but a blast just the same ;-) We enjoyed time in the different mountains in both Washington and Oregon: we had, throughout the years, hit ALL of them before Bob left earth :-D We enjoyed nature and enjoyed it weekly; and counted the money spent on those weekly and often overnight jaunts to far-flung places in the 2 states to be worth the cost; sometimes we revisited special places again and again. Bob liked surprising me with impromptu trips too - like the time he couldn't wait for me to wake up and whisk me off to Mount Baker and make a leisurely trip back home via Leavenworth: we dragged the trip out for a week; what a trip! What a thoughtful and loving man. We drove across America to Vermont; I had always wanted to make the drive across America and Bob had never been west of the Rockies: another memorable experience. And we, and our granddaughter with us, went to Vegas to see our newborn grandson when he joined our family 5 years ago, and came back home along the pioneer trail his ancestors had traveled during their pioneer days (what fun!) before settling in Eden Valley, which is also the final resting place for Bob's cremains in the family cemetery. All those things I wanted only to do with Bob; it would not be the same – nor would it be safe at all – doing them alone.

My new adventures won’t be quite as adventurous now that my adventuring partner is no longer here, but there are still things I can do fairly local and financially doable – and those things are what I will be doing ;-)

It is enough.

Elohim has been very good to me – giving me the strength and power to get up, over, under, around, and through the hurdles thrown across my path throughout 2019; and I am content that His grace is sufficient for me.

 

 

Tonight’s sunset seen from where I sat in Bob’s recliner. The skyscape changed significantly as the clouds moved across the sky before total darkness fell.

ROAST CHICKEN w-ROSEMARY BUTTER Recipe

Roast Chicken w-Rosemary Butter, Stir-fry Onion & Zucchini and Sweet Potato Tzimmes; ready to go to the freezer ...

I woke up this morning to snowflakes dancing past my eyes:

The snow show was over around 10:30 a.m., the snowflakes melted as they fell into the rainwater that fell all week long; and the sun was out in force at noon.

I was listening to 1960's Garage Bands and dancing around the kitchen – kicking my heels up between stove and kitchen island, cooking Roast Chicken, and Steak in Foil in the oven; and Beef Stew, and Chicken Stock on the stove top.

The Roast Chicken w-Rosemary Butter & Stir-fry Onions & Zucchini recipes come from my recipe box: I’m not sure when I clipped and filed them.

ROAST CHICKEN w-ROSEMARY BUTTER ~ 2 servings

1 small Garlic clove, minced * 3 Tablespoons unsalted Butter, room temperature * Juice 1 Lemon * 2 Tablespoons fresh Rosemary or 2 teaspoons dried leaves, crumbled * ¼ teaspoon Salt * 1/8 teaspoon freshly ground Pepper * 1 2-1/2 or 3 pound Fryer Chicken, rinsed and patted dry * 1/2 Lemon * Paprika * 1/2 cup Water

Preheat oven to 450-degrees.

Combine garlic, butter, lemon juice, rosemary, salt & pepper and mix well:

Stuff mixture under skin of chicken in breast and thigh areas. Rub skin with cut lemon and sprinkle with paprika.

I only made half the recipe since I am only cooking for me, and I cut my chicken into pieces before baking; holding the stuffed skin to the meat with toothpicks.

Add water to pan and roast chicken 15 minutes. Reduce oven to 375-degrees and continue roasting until chicken is done (allow 20 minutes per pound). Cut into quarters using poultry shears.

STIR-FRY ONIONS & ZUCCHINI ~ 2 servings

3 to 4 Tablespoons Olive Oil * 1 large Onion, quartered * 2 small Zucchini, sliced * 1 garlic Clove, minced * 2-1/2 Tablespoons fresh Basil or 1-1/2 teaspoons dried leaves, crumbled * 1/4 fresh Thyme or generous pinch * Salt & freshly ground Pepper

Heat oil in wok or large skillet over high heat. Add onion and stir-fry until onion softens slightly, about 2 minutes. Add zucchini, garlic and herbs and stir-fry another 2 minutes. If not serving immediately, reheat by stir-frying over high heat about 3 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.

**********

I sure miss cooking for my husband.

And I miss looking across the room and seeing his handsome face.

I fell in love with his face in 1966, before I even knew his name.

Bob’s Senior Year Book Picture & Our Wedding Night Picture

I met him face-to-face in 1974 … and learned his name: he took my heart, and I took his Name 4 months later; he had my heart from the moment he walked past me and I glanced into his face at the school corner in 1966.

What a face :-D

 

  

 

From the first glance to the last … I never got tired of looking at it.

DAMAGES WITH HEALING PROPRIETIES

It’s raining. The weather forecast says to expect waking up to snow in the morning – snow will start falling around midnight, and continue through 7 PM Monday. Supposedly, it will only amount to about an inch … and be gone with the rainfall that follows.

A friend came by this morning to pick me up and take me to fellowship with her – she didn’t want to go alone, and I didn’t mind accompanying her. It’s a fellowship I was not aware of until recently. As of this morning, I was out of the house for 4 hours; and I did enjoy the fellowship. We’ll see where it goes.

After I got back home, I got to thinking about the snow that will be coming our way, down here on the valley floor, and decided to tear one of my plastic canvas snowflakes apart and make some new ones – the yarn on the ones I have are looking a little dingy with time wear on them; and a few are broken where the plastic wore out, so I want to replace them with fresher looking ones. Last time I was in town, I bought 5 sheets of plastic canvas; so, this afternoon I marked the plastic canvas, cut the pieces out/washed & rinsed them/and set them to air dry ...

  

While the pieces dried, I knitted a dishrag to match the kitchen towel I designed and finished last night. I like doing handcrafts … and I like designing most of what I work up – I find it therapeutic, and crafting has really helped pull me through the hard times of 2019:

MOD Knit Kitchen Towel/Dishrag Set

This plastic canvas snowflake is an old pattern – I am not sure what year I made the first ones (decades ago), but they make up fast and are easy to assemble. Replacing the damaged, time-worn ones, is hand work with healing proprieties …

Old Snowflake. Front side

Old Snowflake. Back side.

Old Snowflake being dissembled.

Old Snowflake; the way it joins together.

Old Snowflake’s 2 pieces.

Sitting here tonight, working on these snowflakes, my mind wanders to this time last year, when my 27th day into the dark and scary widowhood journey was new and raw. I am so thankful that Yeshua wrapped me in His love, and gave me the strength and grace to get through those first weeks without losing my mind … or ending up in prison.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/01/grief-hurts.html)

I never prayed so hard in my entire life! I had to see my husband’s killer every day – and he tormented me every day: he was the next door neighbor; and he would trespass across our front yard every day. One day he even walked up our sidewalk 6 feet before looking me full in the face as he cut across. And Park Management refused to curtail his blatant activity. I was eternally grateful Elohim took mercy on me, and a ‘for sale’ sign was posted next door.

This time last year was not a good place for me to be.

In the months that followed, I had many painful moments where I wanted Bob here to give me a hug and some encouragement. But the reality is that I had to go through it alone: Bob will never be here, with me again: he will never hug me again – he will never speak words of encouragement to me again. I can draw on his past encouragements … but the hugs are gone forever. MAN! I miss my man! With the advent of the 1 year ‘anniversary’ (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/1-year-since-bobs-been-absent-from-my.html), the grief was not so raw – was not so overwhelming. But the pain of missing my husband never leaves me. I still have moments where I just cry because I want him here.

And that’s okay. I’ve made peace with that heart wound that will never fully scar over. There is a liberation of sorts that comes with the knowing that I’ll be crying because I miss him for the rest of my life. Not heart-rending crying like this time, last year – but a quiet missingness that sometimes runs down my face in the form of tears. Tears like I felt this morning during fellowship while singing about Heaven and those who await us there, beyond the clouds, with Yeshua.

Damages with healing proprieties.

It is liberating to know that I am free to miss my husband for all of my days … without apologies. Yeshua understands the injury done to my heart. Yeshua understands the damages done to my life with cruelly added insult to injury; and the strengthened growth to my new life that resulted despite the cutting damages. Yeshua’s healing grace has turned my grieving process into a blessing, on every level; so that enlarging my journey to include rebuilding new life, there is a space in time along the way, to enjoy the view of my old life on occasion.

As I work on these snowflakes tonight, I am thankful that Bob now wears a robe of white – and because Yeshua, with his blood, washed me whiter than snow – I will someday join my husband in our home beyond the clouds.

RH Pompadour Baby Yarn – Bob found this yarn for me at an estate sale 5 years ago. The fingering yarn has shiny thread wound throughout the strands. It was part of a big bag of fingering baby yarns not available anymore: his find was a direct answer to prayer as I had been saying that I wish the yarn was still being made … Bob spotted it, and I bought the whole lot :-D I’ve been hoarding it for years hoping for great-grandchildren to make layettes for; but the granddaughters have made it clear that there will be no babies from them, and I doubt I will live long enough to see Azariah’s children, if he decides to catapult Bob’s DNA into the future.

New Snowflake all finished. 4 hours yarn work. I have 5 sheets of plastic canvas, and I can mark 15 snowflake pieces on each sheet. I should be able to make enough flakes to hang in each of my home's windows next December ... and have a couple to sell at bazaars too ;-)

When I am not remembering Bob as I knew him in the flesh ... this is how I see him in my mind's eye now: wearing a brilliant white robe - he always looked GOOD in white - and wearing a Crown of Life.

MAKING BANK

In keeping with the promise I made to myself with the waning of 2019, to step the game up a notch and actively pursue restructuring and rebuilding of my New Life in 2020 – plan at least 1 social event every week, and plan outings to look forward to – I jumped out of bed this morning determined to get started down that path.

I didn’t go to bed with the thought on my mind. But, as I was slowly waking up this morning, the thought, “Go to the Bingo game in Castle Rock today”, popped into my mind, and I rolled with it. I had paid for my Castle Rock Senior Center Membership Card, December 7^th, 2019, when I did a Bazaar there; but I hadn’t seriously made the time to visit the facility: Bob and I had checked it out before he’d ended up in the hospital … and I have been dragging my feet about going there as a solo lobo.

I like Bingo; always have. Bob did not enjoy the game at all, but when we moved here to Heron Pointe, he did humor me by going to a Bingo Night event at the Club House. That was it; he never went back again. And, of course, since tensions at Heron Pointe is the reason I no longer have a husband … I no longer go to Bingo Night events at the Club House here anymore, either.

But, today, I ended my Shabbat Rest in Castle Rock, singing out “Bingo!”

I learned some new Bingo patterns, and won 5 of 12 games – I won my “bank” back, with extra $ to spare :-D I didn’t know, until I won the first game, that they played for cash: it’s not bookoo bucks; just a chance to win your card money back. I paid $3/12 cards; and won my $ back PLUS:

 

Winning my bank back was fun …

I brought some paperback novels home too ;-)

But what I really enjoyed was the verbal byplay (enjoyable conversation) and cozy companionship (easy smiles and laughter): I miss that, now that Bob is no longer here. It was enjoyable to hold conversations with people my age; and older, who speak my language: convo was not a politically inclined sidestep shuffle around {offensives}.

I am so glad Bob instilled confidence in me – I could never have comfortably mingled with strangers if Bob’s love had not birthed confidence in me. And if he had not told me, at OHSU, “I have faith in you, Honey: you can do anything you set your mind to doing; you and I both know, once you’ve made up your mind, it’s as good as done.” Even when he was dying, my husband was giving me strength to pull on later, after he was gone. He is still giving me a sense of direction. My heart relies on the memories of Bob to confidently move me forward – no matter where life leads me (north, south east, or west), his love is still my North Star; and it guides me true.

I had so much fun playing the game, meeting new people, and enjoying fun convo, that I think I will make Bingo in Castle rock a “weekend thing.”

I don’t know what tomorrow (Day 385) will birth in this self-discovery-rebuilding process of my widowhood journey of “What Am I Supposed To Do With The Rest Of My Life?” To date, it reveals bits and pieces of the bigger picture, kinda like the revealing jigsaw puzzles Bob and I painstakingly put together every Fall and Winter for decades: we never knew how the pieces would fall together … and, now, as my new life is being pieced together, I don’t even have a rough idea of what the final picture will look like: this puzzle I am currently focused on, didn’t come to me with a picture on a box cover. I’m piecing it together blind. And I don’t really think too hard on how to go about pulling it together; because I honestly believe the big picture isn’t up to me anyway.

My shattered heart is healing; and I’m sorting through the life that was given me, with determination, grit, and resolution to find the pieces that will build the bigger picture.

Every perfect fit is another mode of making bank ;-) And I have used every anguish, every triumph; every disappointment, every mistake; every doubt, and every ounce of Faith at my disposal to highlight what my widowhood trip looks like. I refuse to hide behind Pollyanna platitudes. I have been brutally honest, and vulnerable about my grieving – about my personal struggles … about the passion my heart still holds for my husband: m.y.d.e.a.d.h.u.s.b.a.n.d.

It wasn’t easy to get to today’s successful outcome; to feel so comfortable in a group. Admittedly, it was a small group (15 total), but staying the entire time was a success for me, personally. It was a major hurdle in the socializing realm.

I am finally coming to peace with the fact that this is it.

Here I am – solo lobo.

On my own.

And I am owning it … making bank in socializing triumphs, and reaping dividends in collecting friends … thanks to my husband’s input in my life.

I love you, Babe.

Always.

OX

HOME ALONE

It’s Friday night, and I’m home alone.

 

I’m alone … yet, not.

It’s me, Yeshua, and thoughts of Bob.

And I’m okay with that.

Since we stopped bar hopping 4 decades ago and started walking the straight and narrow, Friday nights have consistently been quiet nights. In fact, the entire weekend has been pretty laid back, concluding with a leisurely Sunday drive in the country – any county, either side of the River was fine with me: and Bob knew every backroad like the back of his hand (I rely on road maps and GPS). I miss that comfortable routine I enjoyed with my husband.

So – that’s how I’ve decided to kick off ‘My New Life’: kicking back around dusk to usher the Shabbat Rest in; relaxing the pace of life, and surrounding myself with peaceful vibes.

Come Sunday, hitting a backroad for a Sunday~Funday Daytrip, and letting myself unwind completely before facing another manic Monday leading to another hectic week. 1 thing I a going to fit into the Sunday~Funday adventure … at least once a month … is a sit-down restaurant meal: in a locale that is not local; does not have to be fancy, just a different location. Bob & I often did that – and I need to be comfortable doing things like this on my own. Solo. It is not my friends’ responsibility to entertain me; they have been great about including me in their lives, and I appreciate the love; but ultimately, I have to try my wings like every other fledgling: alone.

And, I’ve started a 2020 Bucket List: I don’t know if this will be my last year on Earth, or not (only Elohim knows that); but there are challenges I’d like to accomplish, things I’d like to do, and places I’d like to visit – hence the 2020 Bucket List. For the time being, the notations are fairly simple and basic … but the thought process that is generated sparks the brain cells, which activates the memory bank, prompting the motivation that physically activates me; and that’s a good thing ;-)

Next year’s list may be more detailed and more adventurous, but for starters, 2020’s simplistic activities outline, will do very well.

I'm working real hard to have more on my List than this ...

There’s more to senior life that watching time pass …

I’ve begun an “every-other-day” exercise regime … geriatric, because I am 63 now, and I don’t want to throw my back out or pull a muscle: I’m home alone now. I have to take care of myself: and be careful about it. Wisdom is the principal theme in every endeavor I embark on now. The Senior Centers have scheduled exercises too, but I’ve never been very coordinated (necessary for group exercises that involve ‘1-2-3’ animated steps) and yoga doesn’t interest me. Curiosity may propel me to go see if they have stretching activities – those I can do without stumbling through a disjointed 1-2-3 animated process. It will also prompt me to get out of the house more often. Some widows have suggested I join them for Senior Center dances, but I couldn’t do that: I don’t want to dance with anyone but my husband. I may, come Spring, go just to watch from the sidelines, but I really do not feel like being cajoled into doing something I am not comfortable doing, so ‘we’ll see’.

I don’t want to fill in every day of the calendar, just maybe 1 or 2 days a week – if even that. I am comfortable being a solo lobo: I need periods of solitude, at home. Alone. But, I do know, that in order to reestablish/rebuild a new life – I have to HAVE A LIFE to look forward to enjoying.

And people in my life are going to have to work around the proposed Bucket List notations.

2020 is going to be about doing what is BEST FOR ME.

And I don’t care if that is selfish or not …