MISERY'N & TRUST ISSUES

Yesterday I was hit pretty hard a sneaker wave – it came out of nowhere and tried to suck me under all day long.

But Yeshua's presence was stronger.

I hate crying: it is a defining weakness everyone can see (I rarely even cried around Bob!) ... and feel uncomfortable around. I cried several times in public yesterday: it is uncontrollable; which makes it more mortifying for me.

On the handful of occasions, I ever broke & cried in front of Bob, he always opened his arms to me and let me cry against his chest; he didn't say anything, just held me until the storm passed: then he would go change his soaked shirt. It was enough just to be sheltered in his love. And he knew it was a seriously big deal IF I was openly crying. Bob knew I hated appearing weak about anything in front of anyone.

Also, yesterday, during one of the many crying jags throughout the day, one of my daughters called - and I did try to talk with her: I tried valiantly. But I was literally gasping for breath.

She said, "Tell us what you want from us Mom: we can't help you if we don't know what you want from us. We know you are a private person - we are trying to respect your privacy."

I said, "I just want your D.A.D I just want your dad right now ... I'm sorry I am crying ... but I MISS him: he was the only one I ever let close to me – I don’t trust anyone else."

She said, "Well, we can't bring dad back, but we are here for you. It's okay to cry, Mom - Dad hasn't even been gone a year yet. You don't need to apologize for crying. Please don't shut us out ... we love you; we are here for you. I think we have proved ourselves by now; that we don’t want anything from you – not your money, not your house, not your car. I think we have proven we are trustworthy."

She missed what I said. Totally. My trust issues aren’t with things … my trust issues are with my heart – with my emotions.

Bob was the only person I ever let close enough to me to trust with my heart. With my emotions. And that took time. Even after we were married. Bob was a patient man; Bob loved me.

I believe her - really, I do. I know my kids (2 sons, 3 daughters & 4 grandkids) have grown a lot after Bob’s graduation: they aren’t so selfish anymore – and they have really gone out of their way to make sure I know they have changed. I can see the changes.

But, can I trust them WITH MY HEART? With my emotions?

There is a lot of water under the bridges they kept burning behind them in their rushes to forge separate lives and leave Bob & I choking in the dust. Things can be replaced … and most things are meaningless; just window-dressing in this life journey. It’s not things I have trust issues with.

Bob is the ONLY PERSON IN MY ENTIRE LIFE who loved me just because I exist. Bob loved me unconditionally. There will never be another Bob in my life. I feel the emptiness acutely. I don’t want to go back to building walls around my heart. I don’t want to learn to couch my emotions again. I LIKED the freedom Bob gave me to simply live without being judged or condemned. I LIKED having a companion and a life partner who didn’t make me apologize for my feelings, opinions, or actions.

My kids are “happy pagans” (their own words), and condemn me for being a Christian – they openly talk about their religions, but forbid me to mention Elohei or Yeshua. They censor my free speech on any topic they disagree with my opinion on, and get embarrassed by my actions when it goes against their actions. In short, they want to redo me; they want me to become an extension of them to fit into their circle – and that I can never do: our lives are polar opposites in every way. The only thing we have in common is Bob and a shared DNA pool.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my kids. Every one of them. But something has to give before I can trust them on a personal level: and that something giving won’t be all on my end.

Plus, they all live in other States; from one coast of the USA to the other. They work staggering schedules that may or may not 'dovetail'. They just can't pop in.

And, in reality, they can't truly help me in WHAT I NEED THE MOST: I need Bob. And Bob is no longer available to me. Memories are good - but memories aren't Bob in the flesh. I want Bob in the flesh. And Bob is no longer available to me.

I'm not deliberately shutting anyone out.

But, right now ... I only want to be with Him.

Maybe that is selfish - I don't know. All I KNOW is that is HOW I FEEL.

I need Bob. I want Bob. My heart cries for Bob.

Bob is no longer available to me.

I am seriously {misery’n}.

No one here on earth, can help me with that ... sometimes, in the grip of misery'n ... even Elohim seems very, very far away.

I have a feeling those sneaker waves will assault me repeatedly through December.

THANK GOD for HIS continued faithfulness and ever-present presence!

I have a loving and patient God.

I had a loving and patient husband.

THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE I can trust with my heart.

With my emotions.

CHANGES

Lots of changes taking place.

I’m planning a trip into the interior of Oregon the end of this month – really stepping out of my comfort zone big time; but it is a necessary leap.

Major change.

Mike & Cheryl stopped by to drop off a bag of Chanterelle mushrooms Mike had picked …

Bob loved mushrooms – he would have loved to sample these. They are very fleshy, and the smell is pleasant too. I’ve never eaten these type of mushrooms, but they look interesting.

… and I asked Mike to demonstrate to me how to put the faucet covers over the outside spigots – and he showed me 1 … I did the other: now I am pretty confident I can do it on my own from now on ;-)

They are good friends to me, and for me; and I really appreciate them. They are good people to know. I hope I am as good a friend to them; I am trying. Making and keeping friends does not come naturally to me, but they understand that I am by nature a lobo & trust doesn’t come easy to me: and that is okay with them – they are moving slowly with me as they come and walk alongside me. In this way we don’t crowd each other, but we can still enjoy each other’s company. Seems to be working for all of us :-D

Changes.

Bob would be proud of me in this leap of trust.

I had 2 minor upsets after mail delivery that led to a mini cryfest (I hate crying! I hate feeling vulnerable on any level, about anything), but they got straightened out speedily, so I think everything will be alright now. But I am really getting tired of dealing with the same crap over and over and over again. So, I enlisted help: another big step for me. I normally fight my way through most issues, but I am just too tired to fight anyone anymore about anything: being a 62 year old widow drains the fight right out of a person. While I can still get my own licks in, on occasion when necessary; with major issues … I am learning to let the bigger and younger dogs deal with the prevalent assholes in life – personally removed from the issues, they can bite asses with much more tact.

Changes.

After that upset, I had my hair shagged; Bob always liked my hair long and shagged. It was long and shagged when we met, and would almost turn silver when I spent a lot of time in the sun; weird, but true. Now, I am getting so much gray in my hair, that is starting to look ‘silvered’ again. Bob would have liked my hair today if he were still around to see it, touch it, admire it. Bob waited a loooong time for my hair to start turning a prominent gray. LOL

 

It may not look like it, but trust me: my hair IS graying up - quite a bit more since Bob left earth ...

Changes we both like ;-)

Then, I came home and made a hot cup of flavored coffee:

Pumpkin Spice fits the changes happening in the air, and in my life. Bob used to always get me Pumpkin Spice lattes when October rolled around …

Not really a bona fide ‘change’; but a familiar change from the regular coffees I have been drinking lately.

So, I am counting it as a change today :-D

And, a few minutes ago, I got this picture texted to me: my younger sister. Carla is a riot!

We are back in touch with each other; Bob’s graduation brought that change into being.

This is a bittersweet change.

Bob wanted his death to bring healing to family relationships. In the case between my younger sister and I, whose lives are HUGELY different, that change is happening – a healing is being wrought.

This is a good change.

I just wish the healing change didn’t require such a steep price.

MISSING MY KING BEE

Bob always treated me like his Queen …

I really miss my King Bee.

MOD EMBROIDERED ROSE FLOWER SLIPPERS

FINISHED SLIPPERS. Sizes 6, 8, & 10

My slipper pattern is a modified version of the ‘Slippers for Her’ pattern found here: https://www.yarnspirations.com/red-heart-slippers-for-her/RHK0127-021153M.html.

I didn’t like the way the eyelets went all the way to the sole of the original slipper pattern – so, I shortened them up in the slippers I made. And I didn’t care for the knitted flower trim of the original pattern either … so I cut those entirely, and opted for an embroidered flower design instead. I also used a sturdier type of yarn, since I made my slippers for the Fall – Spring months when more warmth is called for on the feet.

These slippers will be going into my 2019 Bazaar cache. Selling for $8/pr (small/medium) & $10/pr (large).

NOTATIONS: If making my design, use Caron brand worsted instead of Red Heart With Love yarn.

ALSO make these modifications in the body of the slippers:

Row 11: Increase before & after markers.

Row 13: Increase before & after markers.

Row 15: Increase before markers (55 sts/61 sts/69 sts)

Rows 16 thru 22: Work in stockinette st.

Row 23: BO loosely. Leave a long tail to sew up the sole.

BEFORE SEWING BACK & SOLE: Embroider the rose flower design on slipper uppers, tying off or weaving in ends as you wish:

Rose flower graph I found on Pinterest.

Outer Rose flower petals. Duplicate Stitch.

Inner Rose flower petals. Duplicate Stitch.

Flower leaves for Size 6 slipper. Duplicate Stitch.

Flower leaves for Sizes 8 & 10 slippers. Duplicate Stitch.

Finished embroidered slipper.

I enjoyed a beautiful sunset over the Columbia River while I worked ;-)

RAINSTORM, THUNDER, & SPIDERS

This time of year, I like campy old black-n-white’s: and this movie always comes to mind first :-D

When we were first married, I tried explaining it to Bob – but he didn’t understand what I was talking about because he didn’t watch sci-fi movies … and I couldn’t remember the name of this movie: I just remembered the giant spider in the mine.

One day, we were running around, getting out of the house; and decided to go visit a friend. Milo Oxford – he was something else! LOL But, we both liked him and he was a fun guy. I knew Milo before I knew Bob because my parents were mutual friends of some friends he had in Skamokawa, where we lived at the time.

Anyway, 2 months into our marriage, Bob & I ended up at Milo’s house for a drop-in visit, and this movie was playing on his TV. And I squealed like a teenager (that’s what I was), and said to Bob, “This is it! This is the movie I have been trying to explain to you!” LMAO

That was a fun visit. And Bob joined Milo & I in finishing the movie – Bob didn’t become a fan of sci-fi, but he was fans of me and Milo ;-)

Here, in the PNW, today, we got a gully-washer rainfall this afternoon; complete with thunder bouncing off the hills surrounding:

After cleaning house, and listening to the steady beating of the rain, all I wanted to do was relax, and sleep like Rip Van Winkle. LOL

Rain coming down hard - and in sheets that skitter across the roadway and slide off roofs like a waterfall. The neighboring gutter can't keep up with the ferocity.

I had spent the first part of the morning dusting every surface in the house, getting it ‘Fall ready’ – ridding the undersides of the furniture of the dust bunnies too. I switched out the stuff on the fireplace mantle for Fall theme, and put new frames on the pictures …

… and was pulling down the Sympathy Cards given me at Bob’s Celebration of Life Gathering the end of August.

I appreciated what Danny & Terrie wrote – it was so descriptive of Bob:

I don’t know the angry or out-of-control man Bob’s mother & brother Ralph were talking about at the graveside – it was clear to me, and to everyone else listening, that they had NO IDEA who Bob was, or what his character was. They talked him down. In public – trying to besmirch him in front of people who knew and loved him. And that is very telling on their characters :-P Ralph was always insanely jealous of Bob – but I have no idea why his mother despised him (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/08/between-now-and-then-until-i-see-you.html).

All I know, is that they will be caught in webs of their own making … and it will serve them right. I am glad I will never have to deal with/set eyes on either of them ever again. What they attempted to do was inexcusable.

And it was clear they never knew Bob - they were too wrapped up in themselves, and each other.

Bob was a handsome man.

Bob was a good man. Bob was a happy man, who always had a smile on his face – or would burst out in a belly laugh. I never knew Bob to be somber - or angry. Neither did those who loved him, and really KNEW his character.
(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/08/it-took-while-but-we-finally-got-there.html).

Bob always made people feel comfortable and never made anyone feel ‘less than’. I always teased my husband about being “the pied piper of people” … people just naturally flocked to him because he had a knack for making everyone feel equal and always went out of his way to buoy them up. Even more so after becoming a Christian in 1981.

It is hard being a widow; I thank Elohim every second of every day that I have good memories of the good man He blessed me with. Bob was love personified.

And that is why Bob is in Heaven.

I’m pretty sure, given the way they behave towards others – especially the way they treated Bob - even in death, Rose and Ralph will get their sorry asses seared.

A LEGACY OF HELL

During barak hussain obama’s 8 year political coup by which he went out of his way to drag the world back to the A.D. 600’s – the Historic timeframe in which islam made its hellish impact on the middle east, asia, and europe (and not in a good way either! The deadly spread of islam far surpassed the purging catholic inquisition), obama also set in motion the devilish erosion of familial structure; as well as forcefully doing his best to eradicate national morals and morale: one of the scandalous fallouts being that the KJV Bible had serious doubt cast upon it when a malicious rumor went viral implying that king James, who commissioned the printing of the KJV Bible, was a rampant homosexual … and that malicious and titillating rumor is behind the blasphemous rewrite of the modern hip lgbt ‘bible’ which teaches that Jesus, himself, was a homosexual and accepts homosexuality as a valid lifestyle and a good life as long as they pay tithes to a church promoting their lifestyle and publicly do good deeds. It is a lie, of course, and a destructive one as THAT is EXACTLY the DELUSIONAL GREEDY RELIGIOSITY Yeshua came to STOP – in short, it is just one ploy of many that Lucifer will use to deceive and destroy the souls of self-centered egotistical people who are content to go to hell and drag as many souls with them as they can.

King James I of England, the Historical king who was fluent in Latin, Greek, and French – and schooled in Italian and Spanish, authorized the translation of the now famous KJ Bible was, and still is, considered by many to be one of the greatest monarchs that England has ever seen: through his wisdom and determination, King James united the warring tribes of Scotland into a unified nation, and then joined England and Scotland to form the foundation for what is now known as the British Empire.

At a time when only the churches of England possessed the Bible in English, King James' selfless desire was that the common people should have the Bible in their native tongue. Therefore, in 1603, King James called 54 of history's most learned men together to accomplish this great task: at a time when the leaders of the world wished to keep their subjects in spiritual ignorance therewith keeping them in physical bondage, King James offered his subjects the greatest gift that he could give them … their own copy of the Word of God in English.

Such a man was sure to have enemies. One such man, Anthony Weldon, had to be excluded from the court. Weldon swore vengeance. It was not until 1650, twenty-five years after the death of James that Weldon saw his chance. He wrote a paper calling James a homosexual. Obviously, James, being dead, was in no condition to defend himself. And gossip-mongers jumped on the scurrilous charge to banty it about. The report was largely ignored since there were still enough people alive who knew it wasn't true. In fact, it lay dormant for generations … until recently when it was picked up by Christless ‘christians’, devoted to barak hussain obama, and his cause … who hoped that vilifying King James, would tarnish Christianity and the Bible that bears King James’s Christian legacy so that ignorant and unwitty seekers would turn away from an accurate Word of God Bible to a more "modern" translation that embraces sin and teaches hell’s doctrine.

It seems though, that Weldon's false account – given so long ago – is again being largely ignored by the majority of Christianity; with the exception of those with an ulterior motive. It might also be mentioned here, that the Roman Catholic Church, was so desperate to keep the true Bible out of the hands of the English people that it attempted to kill King James and all of Parliament in 1605.

In 1605 a Roman Catholic by the name of Guy Fawkes, under the direction of a Jesuit priest by the name of Henry Garnet, was found in the basement of Parliament with thirty-six barrels of gunpowder which he was to use to blow up King James and the entire Parliament. After killing the king, they planned on imprisoning his children, re-establishing England as a state loyal to the Pope and kill all who resisted. Needless to say, the perfect English Bible would have been one of the plot's victims. Fawkes and Garnet and eight other conspirators were caught and hanged.

I wonder when the American People today will take note of the scurrilous traitors among us and rout them out also; starting with pelosi and schummer -ending their national treachery and bitter violence towards the innocent. Ending barak hussain obama’s legacy of hell, the demoncrats are gleefully pushing forward …

1 CORINTHIANS ~Chapter 12

1 CORINTHIANS ~Chapter 12

Brethren, I do not want you to be ignorant in regard to spiritual gifts. This you know, that while you were pagans you sought to worship dumb idols, just the way you had been taught. For this reason, I want you to know this: no one who speaks by The Ruach says that Yeshua is accursed, and no one confesses Him as *Adonai except by the same Ruach.

There are different kinds of gifts, but it is the same Ruach who gives them. And there are different kinds of service, but it is the same Adonai to be served. And again, there are different ways of doing things, but it is the same God Who uses these ways – **different ways in different men – throughout.

To each one is given the manifestation of The Ruach, for the good of all concerned. To one, The Ruach gives a word of wisdom. To another, the same Ruach gives the word of knowledge. One man receives faith and another receives the gift of healing; both from the same Ruach. And so on … one can perform miracles, another can prophesy, another can discern between spirts, another can speak in different tongues; another can interpret the tongues. It it is the one and same Ruach Who is at work, distributing His gifts to each one individually according to His good Will.

A man’s body is a unity, though it has many members. All the members of the body, though many, are one body. So it is with Mashiach. And by one Ruach we have through baptism been made members of one body – Jews and Greeks alike, slave & free – and all have been given to drink at one Source, and the one Ruach.

However, the body, does not consist of only one member, but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I am not part of the body”, would it any less belong to the body? And, if it could say to the ear, “I do not belong to the body”, is it not part of the body just the same? If the whole body were an eye, for example, where would be the hearing? Or, if the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? Now, as things are, Elohei has placed the organs of the body, each one of them according to His own Plan.

If all the parts were 1 single organ, where would the body be? As it is, though, we have many parts, yet only 1 body. So the eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you”; nor again the hand to the feet, “I have no need of you”. But much rather it is the members of the body which seem to be the weaker that are the most indispensable. And those organs of the body which we regard almost devoid of honor, are those we surround with special honor, and the more private parts are treated with the greatest modesty and respect. Those parts in us which are more beautiful have no need of such care; and so Elohei has built up the body harmoniously, giving more honor to those parts that need it the most. There was to be no lack of unity in the body. All the members of it were to be concerned about their common welfare. Then, if one of the parts suffers pain, all the other parts feel that pain; and if one part is honored, all the other arts have found joy in it.

Now you are the Body of Mashiach, and individually you are members of it. In His Church, Elohei has made arrangements: first, Apostles; second, Prophets; third, Teachers/ Also, workers of miracles, men with the gift of healing; helpers and administrators; speakers in foreign tongues, & interpreters. Are all the members apostles? Are all of them prophets? Are they all teachers? Do they all work miracles? Do they all have the gift of healing, or speak in foreign languages, or interpret? As for you, desire earnestly the higher gifts. I will show you a far better way.

**1 CORINTHIANS 11: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/09/1-corinthians-chapter-11.html

*NOTE: Yeshua IS God … and yet, Yeshua is A SEPARATE ENTITY FROM God – There are 3 in the Godhead: Father, Son, Holy Spirit – ALL ARE GOD; yet, all are unique and have defining attributes that work in harmony to make The One True God.

I say this so clarify this link:

http://www.hebrew-streams.org/works/monotheism/2-lords.html

**Though we are all part of the family of God when we get saved, we are not all called to minister in the same manner … and even then, what we are doing now in ministry will change as necessity arises: we no longer belong to ourselves; we belong to Elohim; and He will use us as pleases Him to accomplish His goals for His Supreme Plan. It takes different ways to reach different people, and wise Christians understand that and lend themselves to the winds of The Ruach. We are never to engage in sin, and yet we are to “become all things to all men” (1 Corinthians 9:19-23) that we may reach them with the Good News. In this, we are to be wise. We are to example Mashiach Yeshua in ALL ways - Who is the embodiment of the fullness of Elohei. We do this by relying on The Ruach, Who teaches us all things concerning the way