CHIN UP …

 4 more days.

Only 4 more days until I can put those 106 days of 2018, back on the back burner.

4 more days until those 106 days total 24 months.

Bob’s been riding the clouds for nearly 2 years.

Bob showing love in the sky as I drove Ocean Beach Hyw.; on my way to Eden Valley Cemetery, the end of March 2020.

I looked up and saw a ‘hang 5’ cloud toggle as I was leaving Eden Valley Cemetery; March 2020. I could almost see Bob’s twinkling eyes and hear his laughter as he passed overhead and let me know he had seen me.

How is that possible?

I finished the 600+ page book I started yesterday …

New Read

… so, I listened to music as the rain fell outside the windows and raced down the gutter drainpipes.

I can’t hear an Iron Butterfly song without thinking of Bob, and seeing him so clearly with my mind’s eye: his handsome face with those Asian eyes – hazel with gold flecks that danced around the iris’s, and pulsed with life when he aimed his sexy smile at me.

Remembering the softness of his voice when he said he loved me and wanted to marry me; his voice was always soft and gentle – in our 44 years together, I only heard his raise it twice.

Remembering the gentleness of my gentle giant’s touch.

Flowers and beads – an Iron Butterfly Song; defining icons of our youth … Bob was a peacenik, I wore a wooden chukka bead necklace I never took off; and our love was true.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rN8iFqDvB_c)

Bob loved the music of Iron Butterfly.

I loved Bob.

And the way he made my heart sing.

Thoughts of Bob, still makes my heart sing.

And those thoughts get me through the hard and tough times.

I sorely miss Bob … but I am grateful that in his leaving, he left so much of himself with me to pull on: and there are days I pull mightily.

Bob always encouraged me.

Bob always saw setbacks as a challenge he fully engaged in.

I am following his example, with his final encouragement to me; spoken in November 2018: “You can do whatever you set your mind to Honey, I have faith in you.”

Because Bob believed it, and Yeshua my now Husband believes it … I believe it too.

Bob is no longer here; but the love he lavished me with, lives on.

2020 was a shitty (there’s really no other way to describe it that accurately fits) year from start to finish, as people high and low lost their minds in every way imaginable.

But 2021 doesn’t have to be as shitty.

There were some very good times in 2020 too, because I didn’t cave to the fearmongering – I got out and about pretty steadily for the first 8 months; but as the political nonsense continued and the entire PNW was torched … I was confined to my house because the air was too toxic for my asthmatic lungs. And when the air cleared enough to actually get back outside: sciatica pain and arthritis kicked in – it’s almost a month now that my hip and leg have been deviling me. BUT, things seem to be on an upswing. It’s 9:30 PM, and I have not used any Ibuprofen or an Aspercreme patch 😊.

Tomorrow I will walk to the mailbox (a short walk; about ½ a minute up the street) to collect the mail, and hopefully tomorrow will be repeat of today as far as pain goes. And please, God, let the hospital bill be manageable.

2020 was hands-down, the year Hell vomited itself empty and spewed all that twisted hatred on America and Americans: the demonrats welcomed and embraced the possession, and eagerly animated the obama-clinton-pelosi-biden cartel … putting their stupid asses on full display 24/7/343 … and they plan to tack harris on the coup ticket too as they unleash the flying monkey’s they hope will take Americans hostage, and totally destroy America with the dawning of 2021.

There are some people who have not been brainwashed or hoodwinked, and we are making ourselves heard despite the censoring, slap-downs, banning, deleting, blocking, lockdown, shutdowns, burn downs, thefts, outright murders, and Election Year politics that is shameful – and a National disgrace.

Dan Crenshaw: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFYL5Ksix4A)

McCarthy: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sxle_lbCmTo)

Cheney: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBarlWniq0k)

obama worshipper (meghan markle) saying she’s considering a campaign run (ILLEGAL! she is married to prince harry of Great Britain – a foreigner cannot become President: her marriage disqualifies her and her children)/covid-19 tyrannical insanity/the demonrats ridiculous and unsuccessful impeachment attempt of President Trump, based on nothing more than bitter hatred/blm racist and murderous acceleration backed by the demonrats/the scandalous rigging of our Election process by the obamanites to rush a dementia patient into the Oval Office/murder hornets infiltrate the PNW/the obamanites chose a belligerent racist communist – whose husband represents the communist china party IN America to be dementia biden’s right hand/wildfires, kicked off by blm protests, decimated much of the PNW/the demonrats hold Americans hostage while demanding illegals and foreigners be catered to before signing off on aid for Americans who lost livelihoods during the illegal and nonsensical covid lockdowns.

Even Santa is fed up with all the ridiculousness of 2020.

All we have is hope, and a prayer, things will be better in 2021 – that thought has got to keep our chin up; and our spine straight.

BRING ON THE BOOKS

Once again, I have reached my peopling level – I have to back out of socializing for a while. Though all the socializing I am doing in through social media … I just can’t do it anymore, right now.

It’s the holiday season, and it is showing with all the rude behaviors and insensitive actions that an oppressive lockdown can breed in society.

I just can’t people right now. 

And I need to rethink some of the Groups I have joined over the months; some of them really have become very antagonistic and unkind. Most are crankily godless in character, and those who claim to be Christian … are anything BUT: they fully embrace the world, and a cranky worldview.

I don’t need that right now.

I unsubbed from 2 of the last night – it felt good; I felt liberated. I need a forum in which I can be free to express me. I’m not very good at being intentionally stepped on … or tethered.

And in all honesty, most Groups are started by people who really don’t fit in (they have a bone to pick with life in general)/start a Group they claim is inclusive (as long as everyone views life through their lens)/run the Group like a dictator (demands absolute submission to dictates)/eventually end up with a bunch of robots (other people scared to be cast adrift because they don’t fit in either).

I KNOW THIS: I’ve been on and off social media for 16 years.

None of that works for me.

Once in a while I connect with a group … but that’s pretty rare. And some, like the two I left last night, have become battlegrounds since the covid madness.

I don’t want caught up in that.

So, it’s time to start rethinking, rearranging, regrouping, and restructuring.

Yesterday was a hard day.

I woke up in a lot of pain; and I had a fella from Cole’s Appliances Repair coming to the house anywhere between 1 PM and 5 PM.

I needed prayer support; I live by prayer.

Big time.

I posted a prayer request on my personal FB Page – and on a few Groups (not on all; because all do not allow videos): oh, boy! BIG MISTAKE!

This lower shin bone pain is like nothing I have ever felt before; it is like a fire in my bone. IT FREAKING HURTS.

Some did do as I asked; I am thankful.

Some gave unsolicited advice – based on their own fears that were triggered.

Some took offense at the very suggestion of prayer over science … again, overreacting.

Some Group moderators removed the post entirely stating “no self-promotion is allowed”.

When did asking for prayer and saying 'thank you', become self-promotion???

Very few read what I had posted with the vid; very few actually paid attention to the situation.

99% were more concerned with their own opinions and conclusions as to what the problem could be, and how I should best deal with it.

After repeating time and time and time again, that I had seen a doctor – was diagnosed with sciatica pain (I have always dealt with arthritis, even as a kid); and was doing what I am supposed to be doing … people were still pushing their agenda as to what I should do.

The message came through loud and clear: they thought they knew me better than me.

I do not have a blood clot! It is arthritis and sciatica pain. Sorry to sound snappy, but my leg hurt; and I was tired of repeating myself.

When I replied that I did not have a blood clot, as everyone seemed to think I should have to ease their minds … I was told that I should not be frustrated by all the voiced concern of the replier’s, but {understand} they meant well.

Really???

How many times do I have to repeat that I know what I am suffering with and I do not have a blood clot? That I have seen a doctor, and am now asking for prayer, also?

The lack of understanding was not on my end!

It was unbelievable.

Next time, I will stick to posting my requests on my personal Page where people actually know me; and know what I am asking help for.

I had woken up in pain. Even so, I cleared the sink undercabinet to make the fella’s job a little easier for him; that task took all of 2 minutes, but that was all my left leg could tolerate before it spasmed, seized up, and forced me to lie down again.

I was in mass pain, asking for help (asking for help does not come easy to me!) because I had a fella coming to the house; and I needed to be able to stand on my sore leg long enough for him to dink around locating the problem, listen to him tell me what the issue with my dishwasher is and what needs fixing, and pay him … I had no idea how long that will take … and I was taken to task and told to shore others up so they don’t get their feelings hurt.

It was unbelievable.

In Groups that put themselves forward as “understanding” & “helpful”; “empathetic”, “encouraging”, “supportive”, and “non-judgmental”.

I won’t be making that mistake again.

Lesson learned, forgiveness employed: and moving on.

The fells from Cole’s did come around 5 PM; gave an assessment of what the problem could be – got right on it, explained everything to me as he worked; and replaced the culprit 😉

The fella from Cole's came around 5 PM.

Longview water calcium build-up showing strongly.

Removal of water valve that feeds from water source to dishwasher. I like that he explained everything to me with patience.

Apparently, this water valve fixture goes out on an average of once a year ... mine lasted since Fall 2017.

Before the fella left, he put the dishwasher through a cycle, and we both hoped I’d wake up to a dry floor in the morning 😊 If the floor is dry in the morning, it’s fixed; if not, he’d have to come back and dig deeper into the issue.

After he left, I went back to the bedroom and laid down; thankful that though my leg did hurt and start to seize with the pain, I was able to stand and pay attention without gritting my teeth too hard (a total of 15 minutes; the fix was speedy). I started, and finished, reading a book ... ate a quick bowl of Top Ramen/drank some ginger-water; and went to sleep praying the issue had finally been resolved.

New read ... finished it in 7 hours.

Ginger water with pureed ginger I had made mnths ago and froze in 1 tsp. portions.(https://www.naturallivingideas.com/ginger-water-benefits/)

This morning I woke up to a dry floor; and it has been dry, all day long.

((((HALLEJUAH!))))

I feel very thankful and blessed; I feel Yeshua has been looking out for me, as I do not think I would have been able to deal with this issue earlier in this 23¾ month timespan of constant upheavals and life adjustments.

If, in 12 months the piece goes out again … I know who to call, and how much $$$ to set aside (I did have it available, yesterday, thank God 😉).

Tonight, I am reflecting on the time that has passed since Bob left Earth in order to expand my shrunken world: I’m looking towards better days and wider horizons.

People can come along for the ride … or they can get out of my way.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/bob-me-then-n-now.html)

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/such-short-period-of-time.html)

Today, I was able to make it 'til 4 PM before using any Ibuprofen - and that's a big deal - so, while my body is healing, I’m steadily working my way through the books I bought this Summer 😉 

CHRISTMAS STAR

A wondrous event will be taking place in the heavens on December 21^st, this year: a star, not seen in 800 years will be shining brightly.

Star of Bethlehem

(https://www.popsugar.com/smart-living/jupiter-saturn-christmas-star-48024008?fbclid=IwAR09gDukvyuVbbEvplrBaIJLFucWXOHo5a1aCyVGu8W7bUSgTKgIAc77FJ8)

What a wonderful birthday gift from my Husband, Yeshua 😊. 

I am marking the day on my calendar.

I will be looking for it.

The Star of Bethlehem is a Star of Promise.

I want to feel the promise.

I want to know that 2021 has a hope and a prayer of promise, despite all the forces of Hell gathering in DC to thwart hope and promise.

I want to feel hope that I can get back to some semblance of normalcy on every level of my life.

Hoping my prayers will be answered, soon.

The missingness of Bob adds to the bodily pain: spiritual and physical health is intertwined – I know this.

I’m a lot better today than I was yesterday.

But I can be a lot better tomorrow.

I am actively pursuing “betterness” (is that an actual word?): doesn’t matter – I am moving toward it. And as soon as I can stand/walk on my leg without pain, I am going to run after it 😉

I want to embrace all the promises Elohei will be unfolding for my new life momentum with the dawning of 2021.

Meanwhile, today … my niece, who is like a second daughter to me, texted me early this morning to ask how I am doing; that’s a tricky question – I am doing better than I was in 2018; and I’ve grown on many levels of my new life throughout 2019 & 2020. But, I'm a long way from "there" yet.

This afternoon, I peeked back at how I was dealing with today, 2 years running:

TODAY, LAST YEAR (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/trying-to-be-festive-in-nightmare.html)

Thinking on those 106 days that led to this particular week of 2018, also prodded me in another direction for my own life in 2020 and forward – I’ve got to start being more careful with my body. Not in a paranoid manner of thinking; freaked out about “what if”s, but in a realistic and logical manner. Generally, I am pretty careful, but this episode with my back and leg is prompting me to be a little more careful.

My hip and leg are still not up to speed.

I still cannot put my full weight on it for any significant length of time. I have got to be able to drive into town and take care of business once I get there – that will take longer than 45 minutes

In town, grocery shopping/paying bills in a time crunch/standing in line at the Post Office … ect. … will take a significant amount of time.

The thought is concerning.

Laying flat on my back; except for those painful excursions around the house to keep my hip and leg in motion so it stays flexible, has kicked my thoughts in play; regarding what options are open to me if I fell and injured myself. There are times, like this morning, when my leg muscles spasm and I feel like it really could give out on me. That had actually happened with Bob more than once – and I was there to help him back up.

But I am alone here. 

(https://www.lyrics.com/lyric/29428245/De+La+Soul/Tread+Water)

There are people who do come when I reach out and ask for help – but they go back home, to their homes: they cannot stay until things even up and pick up.

It is not the same as having someone who has made a commitment to stand by you through thick and thin; someone who is fully involved, and interested in my personal welfare 24/7.

Bob was my someone: and Bob is no longer here.

I am, once again, on my own – and totally reliant on my own means.

3 weeks may not seem like a long time, but it is a long time to be unable to do much on my feet for more than a half hour. This lay-up has made me feel the full depth of being alone – and semi-helpless.

There was comfort, and safety, in knowing that Bob was at hand for me (as I was for him); to give comfort in times of limiting physical suffering.

There was the serene security of knowing I did not have to face difficult situations totally on my own.

Young people don’t have to think so hard about stuff like this.

People my age, do.

I have a life ahead of me to live.

I will live it with courageous confidence.

I will be searching for the Christmas Star shine 😉

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6RMIBVa5Pw)