DAMAGES WITH HEALING PROPRIETIES

It’s raining. The weather forecast says to expect waking up to snow in the morning – snow will start falling around midnight, and continue through 7 PM Monday. Supposedly, it will only amount to about an inch … and be gone with the rainfall that follows.

A friend came by this morning to pick me up and take me to fellowship with her – she didn’t want to go alone, and I didn’t mind accompanying her. It’s a fellowship I was not aware of until recently. As of this morning, I was out of the house for 4 hours; and I did enjoy the fellowship. We’ll see where it goes.

After I got back home, I got to thinking about the snow that will be coming our way, down here on the valley floor, and decided to tear one of my plastic canvas snowflakes apart and make some new ones – the yarn on the ones I have are looking a little dingy with time wear on them; and a few are broken where the plastic wore out, so I want to replace them with fresher looking ones. Last time I was in town, I bought 5 sheets of plastic canvas; so, this afternoon I marked the plastic canvas, cut the pieces out/washed & rinsed them/and set them to air dry ...

  

While the pieces dried, I knitted a dishrag to match the kitchen towel I designed and finished last night. I like doing handcrafts … and I like designing most of what I work up – I find it therapeutic, and crafting has really helped pull me through the hard times of 2019:

MOD Knit Kitchen Towel/Dishrag Set

This plastic canvas snowflake is an old pattern – I am not sure what year I made the first ones (decades ago), but they make up fast and are easy to assemble. Replacing the damaged, time-worn ones, is hand work with healing proprieties …

Old Snowflake. Front side

Old Snowflake. Back side.

Old Snowflake being dissembled.

Old Snowflake; the way it joins together.

Old Snowflake’s 2 pieces.

Sitting here tonight, working on these snowflakes, my mind wanders to this time last year, when my 27th day into the dark and scary widowhood journey was new and raw. I am so thankful that Yeshua wrapped me in His love, and gave me the strength and grace to get through those first weeks without losing my mind … or ending up in prison.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/01/grief-hurts.html)

I never prayed so hard in my entire life! I had to see my husband’s killer every day – and he tormented me every day: he was the next door neighbor; and he would trespass across our front yard every day. One day he even walked up our sidewalk 6 feet before looking me full in the face as he cut across. And Park Management refused to curtail his blatant activity. I was eternally grateful Elohim took mercy on me, and a ‘for sale’ sign was posted next door.

This time last year was not a good place for me to be.

In the months that followed, I had many painful moments where I wanted Bob here to give me a hug and some encouragement. But the reality is that I had to go through it alone: Bob will never be here, with me again: he will never hug me again – he will never speak words of encouragement to me again. I can draw on his past encouragements … but the hugs are gone forever. MAN! I miss my man! With the advent of the 1 year ‘anniversary’ (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/1-year-since-bobs-been-absent-from-my.html), the grief was not so raw – was not so overwhelming. But the pain of missing my husband never leaves me. I still have moments where I just cry because I want him here.

And that’s okay. I’ve made peace with that heart wound that will never fully scar over. There is a liberation of sorts that comes with the knowing that I’ll be crying because I miss him for the rest of my life. Not heart-rending crying like this time, last year – but a quiet missingness that sometimes runs down my face in the form of tears. Tears like I felt this morning during fellowship while singing about Heaven and those who await us there, beyond the clouds, with Yeshua.

Damages with healing proprieties.

It is liberating to know that I am free to miss my husband for all of my days … without apologies. Yeshua understands the injury done to my heart. Yeshua understands the damages done to my life with cruelly added insult to injury; and the strengthened growth to my new life that resulted despite the cutting damages. Yeshua’s healing grace has turned my grieving process into a blessing, on every level; so that enlarging my journey to include rebuilding new life, there is a space in time along the way, to enjoy the view of my old life on occasion.

As I work on these snowflakes tonight, I am thankful that Bob now wears a robe of white – and because Yeshua, with his blood, washed me whiter than snow – I will someday join my husband in our home beyond the clouds.

RH Pompadour Baby Yarn – Bob found this yarn for me at an estate sale 5 years ago. The fingering yarn has shiny thread wound throughout the strands. It was part of a big bag of fingering baby yarns not available anymore: his find was a direct answer to prayer as I had been saying that I wish the yarn was still being made … Bob spotted it, and I bought the whole lot :-D I’ve been hoarding it for years hoping for great-grandchildren to make layettes for; but the granddaughters have made it clear that there will be no babies from them, and I doubt I will live long enough to see Azariah’s children, if he decides to catapult Bob’s DNA into the future.

New Snowflake all finished. 4 hours yarn work. I have 5 sheets of plastic canvas, and I can mark 15 snowflake pieces on each sheet. I should be able to make enough flakes to hang in each of my home's windows next December ... and have a couple to sell at bazaars too ;-)

When I am not remembering Bob as I knew him in the flesh ... this is how I see him in my mind's eye now: wearing a brilliant white robe - he always looked GOOD in white - and wearing a Crown of Life.

MAKING BANK

In keeping with the promise I made to myself with the waning of 2019, to step the game up a notch and actively pursue restructuring and rebuilding of my New Life in 2020 – plan at least 1 social event every week, and plan outings to look forward to – I jumped out of bed this morning determined to get started down that path.

I didn’t go to bed with the thought on my mind. But, as I was slowly waking up this morning, the thought, “Go to the Bingo game in Castle Rock today”, popped into my mind, and I rolled with it. I had paid for my Castle Rock Senior Center Membership Card, December 7^th, 2019, when I did a Bazaar there; but I hadn’t seriously made the time to visit the facility: Bob and I had checked it out before he’d ended up in the hospital … and I have been dragging my feet about going there as a solo lobo.

I like Bingo; always have. Bob did not enjoy the game at all, but when we moved here to Heron Pointe, he did humor me by going to a Bingo Night event at the Club House. That was it; he never went back again. And, of course, since tensions at Heron Pointe is the reason I no longer have a husband … I no longer go to Bingo Night events at the Club House here anymore, either.

But, today, I ended my Shabbat Rest in Castle Rock, singing out “Bingo!”

I learned some new Bingo patterns, and won 5 of 12 games – I won my “bank” back, with extra $ to spare :-D I didn’t know, until I won the first game, that they played for cash: it’s not bookoo bucks; just a chance to win your card money back. I paid $3/12 cards; and won my $ back PLUS:

 

Winning my bank back was fun …

I brought some paperback novels home too ;-)

But what I really enjoyed was the verbal byplay (enjoyable conversation) and cozy companionship (easy smiles and laughter): I miss that, now that Bob is no longer here. It was enjoyable to hold conversations with people my age; and older, who speak my language: convo was not a politically inclined sidestep shuffle around {offensives}.

I am so glad Bob instilled confidence in me – I could never have comfortably mingled with strangers if Bob’s love had not birthed confidence in me. And if he had not told me, at OHSU, “I have faith in you, Honey: you can do anything you set your mind to doing; you and I both know, once you’ve made up your mind, it’s as good as done.” Even when he was dying, my husband was giving me strength to pull on later, after he was gone. He is still giving me a sense of direction. My heart relies on the memories of Bob to confidently move me forward – no matter where life leads me (north, south east, or west), his love is still my North Star; and it guides me true.

I had so much fun playing the game, meeting new people, and enjoying fun convo, that I think I will make Bingo in Castle rock a “weekend thing.”

I don’t know what tomorrow (Day 385) will birth in this self-discovery-rebuilding process of my widowhood journey of “What Am I Supposed To Do With The Rest Of My Life?” To date, it reveals bits and pieces of the bigger picture, kinda like the revealing jigsaw puzzles Bob and I painstakingly put together every Fall and Winter for decades: we never knew how the pieces would fall together … and, now, as my new life is being pieced together, I don’t even have a rough idea of what the final picture will look like: this puzzle I am currently focused on, didn’t come to me with a picture on a box cover. I’m piecing it together blind. And I don’t really think too hard on how to go about pulling it together; because I honestly believe the big picture isn’t up to me anyway.

My shattered heart is healing; and I’m sorting through the life that was given me, with determination, grit, and resolution to find the pieces that will build the bigger picture.

Every perfect fit is another mode of making bank ;-) And I have used every anguish, every triumph; every disappointment, every mistake; every doubt, and every ounce of Faith at my disposal to highlight what my widowhood trip looks like. I refuse to hide behind Pollyanna platitudes. I have been brutally honest, and vulnerable about my grieving – about my personal struggles … about the passion my heart still holds for my husband: m.y.d.e.a.d.h.u.s.b.a.n.d.

It wasn’t easy to get to today’s successful outcome; to feel so comfortable in a group. Admittedly, it was a small group (15 total), but staying the entire time was a success for me, personally. It was a major hurdle in the socializing realm.

I am finally coming to peace with the fact that this is it.

Here I am – solo lobo.

On my own.

And I am owning it … making bank in socializing triumphs, and reaping dividends in collecting friends … thanks to my husband’s input in my life.

I love you, Babe.

Always.

OX

HOME ALONE

It’s Friday night, and I’m home alone.

 

I’m alone … yet, not.

It’s me, Yeshua, and thoughts of Bob.

And I’m okay with that.

Since we stopped bar hopping 4 decades ago and started walking the straight and narrow, Friday nights have consistently been quiet nights. In fact, the entire weekend has been pretty laid back, concluding with a leisurely Sunday drive in the country – any county, either side of the River was fine with me: and Bob knew every backroad like the back of his hand (I rely on road maps and GPS). I miss that comfortable routine I enjoyed with my husband.

So – that’s how I’ve decided to kick off ‘My New Life’: kicking back around dusk to usher the Shabbat Rest in; relaxing the pace of life, and surrounding myself with peaceful vibes.

Come Sunday, hitting a backroad for a Sunday~Funday Daytrip, and letting myself unwind completely before facing another manic Monday leading to another hectic week. 1 thing I a going to fit into the Sunday~Funday adventure … at least once a month … is a sit-down restaurant meal: in a locale that is not local; does not have to be fancy, just a different location. Bob & I often did that – and I need to be comfortable doing things like this on my own. Solo. It is not my friends’ responsibility to entertain me; they have been great about including me in their lives, and I appreciate the love; but ultimately, I have to try my wings like every other fledgling: alone.

And, I’ve started a 2020 Bucket List: I don’t know if this will be my last year on Earth, or not (only Elohim knows that); but there are challenges I’d like to accomplish, things I’d like to do, and places I’d like to visit – hence the 2020 Bucket List. For the time being, the notations are fairly simple and basic … but the thought process that is generated sparks the brain cells, which activates the memory bank, prompting the motivation that physically activates me; and that’s a good thing ;-)

Next year’s list may be more detailed and more adventurous, but for starters, 2020’s simplistic activities outline, will do very well.

I'm working real hard to have more on my List than this ...

There’s more to senior life that watching time pass …

I’ve begun an “every-other-day” exercise regime … geriatric, because I am 63 now, and I don’t want to throw my back out or pull a muscle: I’m home alone now. I have to take care of myself: and be careful about it. Wisdom is the principal theme in every endeavor I embark on now. The Senior Centers have scheduled exercises too, but I’ve never been very coordinated (necessary for group exercises that involve ‘1-2-3’ animated steps) and yoga doesn’t interest me. Curiosity may propel me to go see if they have stretching activities – those I can do without stumbling through a disjointed 1-2-3 animated process. It will also prompt me to get out of the house more often. Some widows have suggested I join them for Senior Center dances, but I couldn’t do that: I don’t want to dance with anyone but my husband. I may, come Spring, go just to watch from the sidelines, but I really do not feel like being cajoled into doing something I am not comfortable doing, so ‘we’ll see’.

I don’t want to fill in every day of the calendar, just maybe 1 or 2 days a week – if even that. I am comfortable being a solo lobo: I need periods of solitude, at home. Alone. But, I do know, that in order to reestablish/rebuild a new life – I have to HAVE A LIFE to look forward to enjoying.

And people in my life are going to have to work around the proposed Bucket List notations.

2020 is going to be about doing what is BEST FOR ME.

And I don’t care if that is selfish or not …

PIECES OF APRIL … IN JANUARY

Earlier this week, a mutual friend stopped by for a coffee call, and a visit. We talked about a lot of things – Bob, people we knew, places we’d seen – places we’d like to see, our children (neither of us can believe our kids are in their 40’s!), our lives in general. When the topic of vacations was touched on, I said, “I will never go to Mexico, simply because it’s too dangerous to travel to that country. Same goes for European countries that are socialist and communist countries. Even if Bob were still here – I’d never go to these places.” Then I was asked if I would be vacationing alone. Again, I said no. And explained that a woman traveling alone just isn’t wise. I know women do travel alone … but I would not be comfortable traveling alone.

And of course, that led to asking if there would ever be a new man in my life. And I said, “No; Bob is my Forever Man. I don’t want – or even need – a boyfriend; or another husband. I wouldn’t mind a companion though: a platonic friend to do things with … walkabouts, coffee hour with a male outlook on topics, a Sunday drive – things like that. But, no. I am not interested in ‘a friend with benefits’, or a man who would eventually start running my life. No. ANY man in my life will have to understand that Bob is my MAIN MAN, and there won’t be any hanky-panky. Strictly a platonic relationship. No casual sex, no love entanglements, no thoughts of marriage”.

Bob allowed me a lot of freedom in our marriage. I don’t need, or want another man putting the thumb screws on me. I like being a free spirit. I like being Bob’s wife. Still. I am not anxious to slip another man’s feet in Bob’s shoes, or under the sheet on Bob’s side of our bed.

I am content to be a solo lobo.

But I am open to a platonic companion if Elohim favors me in that regard.

I’m not actively pursuing it though.

I’m still in love with my husband.

And I am still stumbling through this widowhood journey.

Widowhood does not come with a road map.

In November of 2018, I was warned by a hospital Chaplain, that widowhood is a journey I would have to make alone. Bob had been rushed to ER again at Peace Health Hospital, and we were told again that Bob was dying; he was admitted to the ICU Ward … and never came home again. Alive. In that tiny ER cubicle, Bob after hearing what the attending doctor told him, insisted that we discuss – right then – his cremation plans. I didn’t want to do that! But, I loved my husband, and it was important that I hear his wishes. So, I listened. Then, when the doctor came back into the cubicle, I stepped outside it into the hallway: leaned against the wall, and cried. I did not want to be planning my husband’s funeral – I wanted to have the power to turn time back and take him home. A passing nurse took one look at all the emotions showing in my eyes: and running down my face in hot scalding tears, and went to the Nurses Station to page a Chaplain. The Chaplain came, took me to the ER Lounge, and talked with me. He was kind. But he told me, “death is a lonely life event. You and your husband will be dealing with your husband’s impending death together … and individually. It will be a journey that has to be made alone. Be sure to make the most of the time he has left. But, also, be prepared for the lonely journey of widowhood. Family will be there for you in the beginning; but in the end, you will have to make the journey alone”.

Widowhood is a trip.

It is always disorienting.

It can be a constant frustration.

Widowhood does not come with reliable GPS coordinates. It’s a jerky process of trial and err. It’s a journey shrouded in fog patches that occasionally lift enough to allow snatches of familiar landmarks before you are catapulted at breakneck speed into unfamiliar curves along the road: life pulls you into the spiraling journey, and because you have no idea where the blacktop ends and the gravel begins; or where the blind corners lay … you hurl forward on the spine-jarring rough and bumpy washboard gravel, and find it hard to curb the momentum that sucks you into blind near-misses of crippling T-boning situations along the journey. For the first year of widowhood, most of the time is engaged in circumstances that feel like never-ending bumper-car-style impacts.

Life keeps on at turbo speed, while you are stumbling along at a snail’s pace. And you learn that’s okay. The important thing is that you GET MOVING. You won’t always know what direction you are headed, or why you are going – and that’s okay too. Your life, in Widowhood, is heavily invested in the concept of Faith: “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for and not yet seen.” (Hebrews 11:1).

It takes faith to escape debilitating sorrow; it takes faith to keep on living; it takes faith to step out into the unknown and rebuild a new life.

For the past 383 days I have been focused on just surviving the loss of my husband’s presence in my life, a significant cut in income, loss of family cohesiveness, loss of an entire way of life – much of which included monthly mini-vaca’s and bi-annual travel.

On the flip-side of that, I have realized strengths I didn’t know I had. I didn’t die of a broken heart like I thought I would, I didn’t sink into a boozy depression; and I haven’t needed to be medicated. I have gained friends – and managed to keep them: all by myself, I have gone on solo lobo daytrips and not gotten lost, I have … and am still in the process … of restructuring my life and building a new one from scratch. My friends can come alongside me in my solo lobo venture – but I must navigate this journey alone: no one can do it for me.

The journey is tedious.

It is grueling to do: I find myself exhausted at the end of every day since 2020 dawned.

Restructuring a new life is demanding – actively rebuilding a new life is h.a.r.d.w.o.r.k.

Today, I again thumbed through the Grief~Share handbook. I was curious. It isn’t very helpful. The chapters really don’t offer realistic help; but I was curious. The chapter I glanced at today was about dealing with loneliness. Thank God I have not really been plagued with acute loneliness, as most of the widows and widowers I have come across, are. Elohim has been merciful with me – thank You, Yeshua!

But, like I said in this post earlier … I am open to a platonic companionship if that is in Elohim’s Plan for my life.

I’m not actively pursuing it though.

I am trepidatiously re-entering life and rebuilding a life without Bob. It is the most difficult undertaking I have ever undergone in my entire life. There is a lot of uncertainty to meld potential with.

A lot of what the book suggests, is stuff I have already done or am doing without the book’s prompts or guidance. All that I have not done yet is find companionship. And that will be dicey, because I am not looking to replace Bob and his memory with a “chapter 2” in my life. For lots of reasons.

The most important reason is that I am still very much in love with my dead husband. Quirky, I know … but truth. There will never be another Bob.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/08/i-only-want-to-be-with-you.html)

  

The other reasons are plentiful, and valid. I am 63 years old – I like my life the way it is; I’m not sure I want a new man interrupting my comfortable life. I was a military brat … but I did not want a soldier boyfriend as a teen – or a husband with a military background; I had served my time and wasn’t interested in living my mother’s life with post-traumatic fallout. Elohim favored me: Bob was 4-F. THANK YOU, ELOHIM!

 

A direct answer to my prayers :-D Bob and I had not yet met, but in every way, Elohim gave me the man of my dreams. In all ways, I was highly favored and greatly blessed.

 

If Elohim has a platonic companion waiting in the wings for me, I would appreciate he not be traumatized by war stress fallout, poisoned with agent orange residue, or suffering hallucinogenic flashbacks. I would want an easy going personality like Bob’s … and preferably NO children from previous marriages or relationships – I’ve had enough craziness in my life the past 4 decades with Bob’s son, and our daughter (both, of which, had removed themselves from my life in 2019): I want some peace now; I also do not want another man having any say (one way or the other) concerning our children. He would have to be financially secure (steady income, his own vehicle and home), and as healthy as can be expected for a reasonably healthy Senior (I don’t do doctors, and would want a like-minded companion). He’d have to like traveling and enjoy backroads/backcountry adventures.

I KNOW I am “asking quite a lot” – and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Like I said, I am not shopping; and there will never be another Bob.

Bob loved me. And he showed me what love feels like – sounds like – looks like. I couldn’t settle for less.

 

Bob loved life. He showed me how to embrace all that life has to offer and enjoy it with the enthusiasm of a child.

I am eternally grateful Bob honored me with the love he lavished on me. I am grateful for the generosity of his laughter; and the zest for life he shared with me. I am a better person because Bob was a part of my life.

 

And as I actively start rebuilding my new life this January, I will be restructuring on the foundation of those cherished pieces of April.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/04/our-first-date-reflections_19.html).

2 CORINTHIANS ~ Chapter 2

The underlying point of this letter is that there was – as there always is – a rebellious someone in the circle, bent on causing trouble and stirring up mischief.

The background of this letter is to highlight genuine love, empathy, compassion, example of fellowship discipline, and example of Christian behavior.

It is okay … and even commendable … to steer clear of situations where circumstances are decidedly unfavorable & can lead to a rebellious turning from Yeshua. One can still love (and lovingly counsel, and/or discipline) from a distance, without becoming entangled in dicey hostilities.

I can relate.

**********

2 CORINTHIANS ~ Chapter 2

“In thinking it through, I made up my mind not to come to you again in displeasure. For, if I were to bring sorrow to you, who then would make me glad, except the very one who I have offended? Indeed, I said this very thing in my letter to you, for fear that when I came I might have sorrow from those I should expect to give me joy. I trust you are all alike in this, that what would make me happy would also have the same effect on all of you. And when I wrote to you, I was much troubled, had anguish in my heart and shed many tears. I did not wish to bring sorrow upon you, but rather to have you know of the abundant love I have for you.

But if there is anyone who has caused grief, it is not me only whom he has caused sorrow, but all of you, at least in some measure, not to overstate the case. The majority of you have censured him for his misdeeds, and I think this is, in his case, discipline enough. Now it would seem proper for you to turn about and forgive him and encourage him, otherwise his sorrow may overpower him. I urge you, therefore, to show him that you still love him. I had this in mind, too, when I wrote about him, to see some proof of how obedient you are in carrying out my instructions. I, too, am willing to forgive anyone anything that you forgive. And when I have pardoned anyone for anything, I, too, have done it for your sake in the Name of mashiach. For thus Lucifer will not get the better of us; for we know about his strategies.

When I went to Troas to preach the Gospel of Mashiach, there was there an open door for me in Adonai Yeshua:

Still, I had no peace of mind, because I did not find Titus, my brother, there. I therefore took leave of them and went on to Macedonia …

But thanks be to Elohim, Who in Mashiach always led us to victory, and through us makes our knowledge of Him penetrate every place like a sweet perfume! For we are to Elohim the sweet perfume of Mashiach, made manifest both among those who are being saved and also those who are going to destruction. To the latter, it is the smell of doom and death itself, but to the former it is a perfume of life to life. Now, who is competent to preach this way? We are; for we are not, like so many, making profit by teaching Elohei’s Word falsely. No, we are sincere. We have been sent out by Elohim, we are Mashiach’s ministers, and speak as in Elohei’s presence.”

**2 CORINTHIANS 1: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/2-corinthians-chapter-1.html

5 HOUR NAP ~ Such A Sweet Dream …

Didn’t sleep very well last night – missing Bob and missing our daughter; but tired of fighting with her. Yesterday, she removed herself from my life a.g.a.i.n … and I am okay with that. I didn’t cry; that tells me that I am waaaay past caring anymore whether she is in – or out – of my life as my life goes forward. Over the past 35 years of her constant jerking of my strings, I often wondered what it would actually feel like when the string she was yanking on finally snapped; and I quit caring.

Strangely, I don’t feel anything.

I checked FB yesterday, and saw that she was missing from my Friends List … and, for reasons of her own, I have subsequently been blocked.

ALL I felt was: ‘Hmmmm’.

That’s it.

THANK YOU, YESHUA.

I am no longer devastated by any of her childish and churlish actions.

But, apparently I did miss her last night, while missing Bob. It’s not the same missingness – because Bob truly loved me. Where Stacey is concerned … I just feel sad with the missingness; because she never allowed us to be close. All her life she has fought against me. For anything, and everything. Life with Stacey was always a battlefield; and I never knew when she’d strike a painful blow. I miss the life we could have had, had she ever wanted me in her life.

Now, all that is behind me, and my only response is, ‘hmmmm.’

I have finally reached the point in my life, where I am no longer devastated by any of her childish and churlish actions. Hallelujah.

And, while I am also missing Bob: that, too, has changed. The Grim Reaper’s imp and sidekick, Grief, can no longer devastate me either. There are times, still, where I am hit with longing and sudden missingness that makes my nose burn with the onset of tears, and brings me to my knees … but those times are coming further and further apart. The year I gave myself to fully grieve the loss of my husband’s presence in my life; and the end of a beautiful 44 year life Bob gave me with his love, was concluded this past December 14^th (26 days ago): and in this New Year, after suffering the loss of my husband, the loss of an entire way of life, and the loss of my entire family nucleus … Elohim is favoring me with mercy.

Over the past 382 days, Elohim has abundantly supplied for ALL my needs – I never suffered depression while grieving for Bob/loyal and present friends came alongside me and remain steadfast/my monthly expenses are being met & I can afford occasional “extras”/I am building a New Life with new Family.

I am blessed.

Moving into 2020, 1 day at a time, I have a loosely formulated ‘Plan’ of sorts; and I am energetically embracing whatever each day brings to me with each new dawn – even though my energy level has never fully rebounded from the severe life changes that occurred in the Fall-Winter of 2018: the life changes that jerked me around in 2019, and the life changes that crested with the arrival of 2020. But I have been strengthened, just the same. As 2018 waned, I survived when I thought my heart would never recover; as I moved through 2019, I survived when I thought would drown in a sea of emotional upheaval; and by the time 2020 dawned, I realized I was no longer looking at life through eyes that had been soul-hurt; I KNEW I had made it through the hardest times of my entire life … and I would be more than a survivor: I would be victorious in my New Life.

It’s an energizing feeling :-D

Even so, getting energized, takes time when batteries have been run down so low; the spark sparking is faint.

There are days I am still dazed and confused when life comes at me too fast, and too hard – but, I am rolling with it now, and getting back on my feet with a little bounce to my step. Enthusiasm and interest in events and activities still has to be forced – but, I AM working up enthusiasm and that generated enthusiasm makes events a good (and often-time FUN) thing once I actively engage. I DO go out of the house to go on Daytrip drives, revisiting places Bob & I went together – new places too, as a Solo Lobo – meet with old friends; and meet new people who become new friends.

All through the emotional upheavals of 2018, I began to draw on the girl Bob met in 1974 and admired ... so much so, he wanted that girl in his life, and talked her into joining her life with his 4 months into dating – the determined girl full of grit, whose power was the power of love; because love is so powerful, it infuses, strengthens, and beautifies whoever welds it skillfully. Towards the waning of 2019, I began a catharsis; an awakening of renewal and restoration as I began to let go of my old life … and all the pain associated with it, and boldly move into a new life that would free me to become the person Bob’s blessing as he was leaving this planet, released me to be.

It took me a while to relinquish the life I shared with Bob; it took me some time to learn to meld the foundation of those old memories with the restructuring of the new life I am building. I had to find balance and harmony in suddenly finding myself “me” instead of the “we” I had been for 44 years. I had to stop chasing after people who threw me under the bus – while Bob had hoped his physical death would bring about a restoration of family … family has made very clear that is not going to happen.

I had to learn to let go.

I had to learn to face a clean slate (no recriminations – from self, or outside influences), a blank canvas (I can create with as much color as I want; any design I want), wide open horizons (anything & everything IS possible).

I am creating my own legacy, while honoring Bob’s legacy and remembering the life our love built.

That legacy of love is carrying me into the future: 1 day at a time.

Life is good again.

Keenager’s had been put off for 2 weeks over the Christmas-New Year period … it was on again, this afternoon, so I decided to go through town to get to the meet. I first stopped at Wal*Mart on Ocean Beach, to see if my relief inhaler was ready for pickup yet – it wasn’t last night; but, it was this afternoon. 

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/01/lakefront-appointment.html)

Then, I stopped at the bank to cash a refund check I received the other day:

Not a lot, but enough for lunch with the girls later this month.

((((Thank You, Yeshua!)))) ;-)

Then, it was over back streets and up the hill to the meet. It was fun to see everyone again, share updates on our lives, laugh, and share a meal together. I helped with kitchen cleanup (I actually like doing that), and chuckled when I saw the retro kitchen color scheme – I LIKE color, and this sink and countertop combo was plenty colorful :-D

I LIKE!

Because I had tossed and turned throughout the previous night – and had finally just gave up & got out of bed as dawn dawned; and I was yawning pretty heavily and frequently following lunch at the meet. So, I left Keenager’s before it was even halfway into the meet, and crashed immediately after reaching home …

WOW! I was really tired – and snared by a sweet dream where Bob and I were young and free. We laughed, we sang, we made love. Sweet memories. Man! I MISS my man!

Since I slept sooooo long today, and am … refreshed and wide awake, I think I’ll get busy making a dishcloth to match this kitchen towel I designed, and worked up, the other night ;-)

MOD Retro daisy trimmed Kitchen towel.