PIECES OF APRIL … IN JANUARY

Earlier this week, a mutual friend stopped by for a coffee call, and a visit. We talked about a lot of things – Bob, people we knew, places we’d seen – places we’d like to see, our children (neither of us can believe our kids are in their 40’s!), our lives in general. When the topic of vacations was touched on, I said, “I will never go to Mexico, simply because it’s too dangerous to travel to that country. Same goes for European countries that are socialist and communist countries. Even if Bob were still here – I’d never go to these places.” Then I was asked if I would be vacationing alone. Again, I said no. And explained that a woman traveling alone just isn’t wise. I know women do travel alone … but I would not be comfortable traveling alone.

And of course, that led to asking if there would ever be a new man in my life. And I said, “No; Bob is my Forever Man. I don’t want – or even need – a boyfriend; or another husband. I wouldn’t mind a companion though: a platonic friend to do things with … walkabouts, coffee hour with a male outlook on topics, a Sunday drive – things like that. But, no. I am not interested in ‘a friend with benefits’, or a man who would eventually start running my life. No. ANY man in my life will have to understand that Bob is my MAIN MAN, and there won’t be any hanky-panky. Strictly a platonic relationship. No casual sex, no love entanglements, no thoughts of marriage”.

Bob allowed me a lot of freedom in our marriage. I don’t need, or want another man putting the thumb screws on me. I like being a free spirit. I like being Bob’s wife. Still. I am not anxious to slip another man’s feet in Bob’s shoes, or under the sheet on Bob’s side of our bed.

I am content to be a solo lobo.

But I am open to a platonic companion if Elohim favors me in that regard.

I’m not actively pursuing it though.

I’m still in love with my husband.

And I am still stumbling through this widowhood journey.

Widowhood does not come with a road map.

In November of 2018, I was warned by a hospital Chaplain, that widowhood is a journey I would have to make alone. Bob had been rushed to ER again at Peace Health Hospital, and we were told again that Bob was dying; he was admitted to the ICU Ward … and never came home again. Alive. In that tiny ER cubicle, Bob after hearing what the attending doctor told him, insisted that we discuss – right then – his cremation plans. I didn’t want to do that! But, I loved my husband, and it was important that I hear his wishes. So, I listened. Then, when the doctor came back into the cubicle, I stepped outside it into the hallway: leaned against the wall, and cried. I did not want to be planning my husband’s funeral – I wanted to have the power to turn time back and take him home. A passing nurse took one look at all the emotions showing in my eyes: and running down my face in hot scalding tears, and went to the Nurses Station to page a Chaplain. The Chaplain came, took me to the ER Lounge, and talked with me. He was kind. But he told me, “death is a lonely life event. You and your husband will be dealing with your husband’s impending death together … and individually. It will be a journey that has to be made alone. Be sure to make the most of the time he has left. But, also, be prepared for the lonely journey of widowhood. Family will be there for you in the beginning; but in the end, you will have to make the journey alone”.

Widowhood is a trip.

It is always disorienting.

It can be a constant frustration.

Widowhood does not come with reliable GPS coordinates. It’s a jerky process of trial and err. It’s a journey shrouded in fog patches that occasionally lift enough to allow snatches of familiar landmarks before you are catapulted at breakneck speed into unfamiliar curves along the road: life pulls you into the spiraling journey, and because you have no idea where the blacktop ends and the gravel begins; or where the blind corners lay … you hurl forward on the spine-jarring rough and bumpy washboard gravel, and find it hard to curb the momentum that sucks you into blind near-misses of crippling T-boning situations along the journey. For the first year of widowhood, most of the time is engaged in circumstances that feel like never-ending bumper-car-style impacts.

Life keeps on at turbo speed, while you are stumbling along at a snail’s pace. And you learn that’s okay. The important thing is that you GET MOVING. You won’t always know what direction you are headed, or why you are going – and that’s okay too. Your life, in Widowhood, is heavily invested in the concept of Faith: “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for and not yet seen.” (Hebrews 11:1).

It takes faith to escape debilitating sorrow; it takes faith to keep on living; it takes faith to step out into the unknown and rebuild a new life.

For the past 383 days I have been focused on just surviving the loss of my husband’s presence in my life, a significant cut in income, loss of family cohesiveness, loss of an entire way of life – much of which included monthly mini-vaca’s and bi-annual travel.

On the flip-side of that, I have realized strengths I didn’t know I had. I didn’t die of a broken heart like I thought I would, I didn’t sink into a boozy depression; and I haven’t needed to be medicated. I have gained friends – and managed to keep them: all by myself, I have gone on solo lobo daytrips and not gotten lost, I have … and am still in the process … of restructuring my life and building a new one from scratch. My friends can come alongside me in my solo lobo venture – but I must navigate this journey alone: no one can do it for me.

The journey is tedious.

It is grueling to do: I find myself exhausted at the end of every day since 2020 dawned.

Restructuring a new life is demanding – actively rebuilding a new life is h.a.r.d.w.o.r.k.

Today, I again thumbed through the Grief~Share handbook. I was curious. It isn’t very helpful. The chapters really don’t offer realistic help; but I was curious. The chapter I glanced at today was about dealing with loneliness. Thank God I have not really been plagued with acute loneliness, as most of the widows and widowers I have come across, are. Elohim has been merciful with me – thank You, Yeshua!

But, like I said in this post earlier … I am open to a platonic companionship if that is in Elohim’s Plan for my life.

I’m not actively pursuing it though.

I am trepidatiously re-entering life and rebuilding a life without Bob. It is the most difficult undertaking I have ever undergone in my entire life. There is a lot of uncertainty to meld potential with.

A lot of what the book suggests, is stuff I have already done or am doing without the book’s prompts or guidance. All that I have not done yet is find companionship. And that will be dicey, because I am not looking to replace Bob and his memory with a “chapter 2” in my life. For lots of reasons.

The most important reason is that I am still very much in love with my dead husband. Quirky, I know … but truth. There will never be another Bob.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/08/i-only-want-to-be-with-you.html)

  

The other reasons are plentiful, and valid. I am 63 years old – I like my life the way it is; I’m not sure I want a new man interrupting my comfortable life. I was a military brat … but I did not want a soldier boyfriend as a teen – or a husband with a military background; I had served my time and wasn’t interested in living my mother’s life with post-traumatic fallout. Elohim favored me: Bob was 4-F. THANK YOU, ELOHIM!

 

A direct answer to my prayers :-D Bob and I had not yet met, but in every way, Elohim gave me the man of my dreams. In all ways, I was highly favored and greatly blessed.

 

If Elohim has a platonic companion waiting in the wings for me, I would appreciate he not be traumatized by war stress fallout, poisoned with agent orange residue, or suffering hallucinogenic flashbacks. I would want an easy going personality like Bob’s … and preferably NO children from previous marriages or relationships – I’ve had enough craziness in my life the past 4 decades with Bob’s son, and our daughter (both, of which, had removed themselves from my life in 2019): I want some peace now; I also do not want another man having any say (one way or the other) concerning our children. He would have to be financially secure (steady income, his own vehicle and home), and as healthy as can be expected for a reasonably healthy Senior (I don’t do doctors, and would want a like-minded companion). He’d have to like traveling and enjoy backroads/backcountry adventures.

I KNOW I am “asking quite a lot” – and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Like I said, I am not shopping; and there will never be another Bob.

Bob loved me. And he showed me what love feels like – sounds like – looks like. I couldn’t settle for less.

 

Bob loved life. He showed me how to embrace all that life has to offer and enjoy it with the enthusiasm of a child.

I am eternally grateful Bob honored me with the love he lavished on me. I am grateful for the generosity of his laughter; and the zest for life he shared with me. I am a better person because Bob was a part of my life.

 

And as I actively start rebuilding my new life this January, I will be restructuring on the foundation of those cherished pieces of April.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/04/our-first-date-reflections_19.html).