TRYING TO BE FESTIVE IN A NIGHTMARE SITUATION ~ Tonight, Last Year

This time, last year, was not a very happy time for us – Bob had been moved from our local hospital in our home State to OHSU across the river; he has been shifted there November 24^th in hopes that the medical Team there could get a handle on his dire circumstances.

All hope had been pulled the previous evening when the surgery was halted – and any further plans were shelved. Bob was moved from ICU/ER back upstairs to a private room.

Drs. Morgan and Gilbert conferred and tried to convince us that Bob would be better off in a “rehab facility back home” since they could do nothing more for him there, at OHSU, “for at least 3 weeks”: I KNEW what THAT would mean and said, “NO. I am not putting my husband in a Nursing Home.” Dr. Morgan said that it was not possible that Bob could come home, but “in a rehab facility”, Bob could continue the tube feeding and physical exercises in Longview; and seemed to think that would be a good idea.

But I wasn’t biting at the bait – I do not have fancy college degrees, certificates, or BA’s … BUT I DO KNOW what it means when doctors start shifting patients from hospitals to nursing home facilities. Patients in Bob’s fragile condition, who can’t keep even simple bland liquidated food stuffs down, and who couldn’t walk (edema was real bad at this point). NO! I wasn’t biting at the bait. I really was not liking how the situation was going down. So, I got very adamant that Bob was not going to go to any nursing home facility: EVER. I did call Bob’s niece, who works in a nursing home facility back home, and asked about the best facilities in Longview, if the Drs. started flexing their muscle and overruled me. Tiffany told me of 2 that were possible candidates … but, my mind was made up – as long as the option was ours, Bob would be staying at OHSU.

If he was dying – and he was; he would die with dignity.

Where he was.

Not in a facility that stinks of urine and feces, and has demented people roaming the hallways.

This night, last year, I determined to bring some festivity into our dismal circumstances: I played a LOT of music for my Babe; Southern gospel, regular hymns, the Messianic music he enjoyed, traditional and standard Christmas music … and some fun holiday songs too, like ‘Leroy the Redneck Reindeer’, ‘I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas’, ‘Percy the Puny Poinsettia’, ‘Merry Christmas from The Family’ – to name a few. I wanted to take the edge off, and lighten the mood.

Tonight, this year, I am feeling a little guilty over staking our ground and standing over it like a warrior princess while my gentle giant bravely battled for his life.

Perhaps another couple, or a family, was waiting for the bed I demanded my husband remain in.

Perhaps another life depended on my being compliant with Drs. Morgan & Gilbert.

I didn’t care then; and I can push past the prodding guilt tonight.

Tonight, this year, reliving those memories of tonight, last year, all I can say is that we had been thrust into a nightmare scenario that had kept us between a rock and a hard place since October of 2018; and by December 6^th, 2018, when all hope had run out for us; I was determined to make it as easy as possible for the love of my life to end his remaining time on this Earth as comfortable and as carefree as possible.

I am not going to apologize for that …

BAKED RED SNAPPER Recipe

My Supper tonight: Baked Red Snapper & Sweet Potato fries – recipe follows at end of post.

I had a busy day today – yesterday, while dusting and wiping down surfaces, I decided that I needed to make dust covers for my kitchen aides (electric skillet, crock pots, sandwich grill, ect.) lining the spare countertop & collecting dust when not in use … so, all morning and most of the afternoon, I designed and crafted a cover for my electric skillet to start with - sorry, no pattern: I winged it, and found a poinsettia pattern on the internet that I used for trim:

MOD Festive Crochet Electric Skillet Dust Cover. Dusty Rose; no particular reason for that color, other than that is what I had on hand that would yield enough yarn to finish the project ;-)

MOD Festive Dust Cover trim: crochet Poinsettia's.

MOD Festive Crochet Electric Skillet Dust Cover; finished. Nothing too fancy, but I like it – and it should keep the skillet cover dust free while not employed.

I checked my houseplants to make sure they were not dehydrated; and spritzed them. I think the German Thyme has gone dormant – it’s pretty dried out despite the watering’s and spritzing. That may be its normal cycle: it does go dormant outside too. The eggplant I brought in-house from the shed this Fall, is thriving …

Patio Eggplant: doing waaay better than it ever did outside.

Baby eggplant blossoms!

Eggplant thriving and putting out fruit :-D

But the hydroponics lettuces are not doing that great; I think I’ll scrap this experiment and just grow them on the window sill like I normally do:

This indoor experiment is a bust. It seemed interesting, but it is not working that great at all. The lettuces look pretty pathetic.

My Pink Christmas Cactus is really putting out the blossoms this year, as well as leggy growth. I’m thinking of getting a window stand for it, and letting it go like this pretty picture I found on one of the FB gardening groups I joined:

My Pink Christmas Cactus pumping out the blossoms :-D

Internet picture of a very pretty, bushy, Christmas Cactus. Isn't it gorgeous? Mine has a long way to go to get anywhere close to this one ... but hope springs eternal, and I AM hopeful :-)

I worked up an appetite today ;-)

I was craving fish, and had a hankering for sweet potato fries; so, I got busy making my quick meal; because I had had a big mixed green salad earlier, I kept Supper pretty lean and light. I am determined to shed some more weight.

I also switched out the red snapper for a Tilapia fillet, and used capers instead of the chives and parsley …

Supper for 1 tonight – Baked Red Snapper & Sweet Potato Fries.

I have been making this recipe for at least 2 decades … could be longer ;-)

It’s quick, it’s delicious, and it comes from my ‘Weight Watchers 365-Day Menu Cookbook’ cookbook, so it’s also easy on the waist :-D

BAKED RED SNAPPER Recipe ~Makes 2 servings

12 ounces Red Snapper fillets * 2 teaspoons Mayonnaise * 1 teaspoon Dijon Mustard * 1 teaspoon Lemon Juice * 1 teaspoon EACH chopped Chives & Parsley * Dash EACH Sea Salt & ground Black Pepper * 2 teaspoon grated Parmesan Cheese

Arrange fish fillets in a shallow 1-quart flameproof baking dish that has been sprayed with non-stick cooking spray.

In a bowl, combine remaining ingredients, except cheese; stir well. Spread mixture over fish and sprinkle with cheese.

Bake in a 400-degree oven for 20 minutes. Transfer to a preheated broiler for about 1 minute.

OUR NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS REVISITED

I remember when the movie, 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' came out – my brother Mahlon, and his family, was all gaga over it: I hated it. It was dark. It was stupid. It was morose. It was NOT Christmasy.

I never watched it: I have no interest in ever watching it; mocking the cheerful, life-giving joyfulness of Christmas is not my thing.

But, tonight – last year, Bob & I were living through our own nightmare before Christmas scenes … and there was no escape because we were the main characters.

September 1^st, 2018. Bob in ER as a direct result of candy scott's screaming on our front porch on ron cook's behalf August 30^th – Bob’s Birthday

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2018/12/goodbye-2018-welcome-2019.html).

He ended up in ER the following afternoon, and was held overnight in the ICU Ward  after the morphine they gave him - AFTER BEING TOLD BOB WAS ALLERGIC TO MORPHINE - sent his entire body into shut-down mode: we were then told, “Your husband is dying.” I called the kids and told them to come to the hospital because their Dad was dying … no one expected him to make it. He surprised us all, and rallied.

October 2018. After exhaustive and extensive testing, exams, imaging, hospitalizations and medications that did more harm than good, Bob came to terms with impending death and insisted I listen to his talk of cremation. That was hard for me to do; but I did it because he was dying and I needed to know what he wanted done – then I went into the ER hallway and cried. An orderly called the hospital Chaplain to come talk with me.

November 24th. Afternoon. Finally made OHSU in Oregon ... we dubbed it ‘the Hospital Hilton’ because his room seemed so fancy compared to his previous hospital room back home, in Washington. We knew being here was the 'end of the road' - if he couldn't be helped here, there was no hope.

November 30th. Bob in ICU/ER Ward at OHSU. His team was trying to get his heart stabilized for the scheduled procedure. Bob agreed to blood transfusions.

December 1st, 2018. Bob on the ipad – nose tube later removed because the liquid ‘food’ was making him vomit. His body was so malnourished at this point it was concerning to me. He underwent another blood transfusion.

It was nightmare scenes I would not wish on my worst enemy.

It was horrible to watch; worse to experience.

To add more drama trauma to the nightmare we were stuck in; Bob had been prepped for … and had been taken into surgery, Wednesday evening. And it was called off while in process. Because it was “too risky to go further.” I couldn’t believe it when I was told – and poor Bob couldn’t believe it either when he finally woke up and the breathing tube was removed: after all the months of waiting to finally make it to OHSU, and the anxious anticipation of the failed surgical procedure, everything was halted because the cysts did not behave as expected.

December 5th, 2018 (which was the 4th this year). Bob on breathing tube.

The surgical team had planned another procedure for today, last year … but that fell through too after imaging came back that afternoon – and we saw the imaging results and agreed with the professionals: TOO RISKY. It was pointed out, and we could both SEE that the cysts were indeed “in a very bad place”.

TODAY, LAST YEAR. Bob played Solitaire on his laptop that I brought back with me from home on Tuesday. We are disappointed that yesterday’s procedure was halted and today’s procedure was canceled due to the riskiness of going forward with it; word was 'another 3-week-wait'. We needed divine intervention at that point.

We had been at OHSU since November 24^th; we were tired of the yo-yo-ups and downs with no relief in sight due to the nature of that fickle illness.

We wanted out of our nightmare scenario.

In 208 short hours & 6 fleeting minutes; all participation, in any and all roles of our specific nightmare before Christmas, would come to an end …

Same time, this year, the slideshow memories of today, last year, continue to play out during my healing progress – but, thankfully, I did not cry today. Instead, I dusted and wiped all surfaces down to keep the dust bunnies from proliferating: that used up a couple hours; the house is small in comparison to the others we’d owned, but stuff like house cleaning takes time.

I was thankful.

I was too busy to give in to crying.

I added some more festive touches (nothing fancy): more ‘girly stuff’ – so out of character for me, but it seems that in this new life of mine, more and more ‘girly’ things keep happening:

Master bathroom; greenery I brought back from Eden Valley a few weeks ago.

Reindeer Basket in the Master bathroom

A few Eden Valley greenery snippets in the Spare bathroom.

A woven bamboo basket in the Spare bathroom.

And I baked some yummy holiday cookies, too :-D (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/coconut-cranberry-chews-recipe.html)

COCONUT-CRANBERRY CHEWS Recipe

When I was in Scappoose earlier this week, I also brought home a Christmas Cookie jar, and set it out this morning, with my Snow Man & Snow Woman Coffee Creamer & Sugar Containers
(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/3-blood-transfusions-lot-of-hope.html).

 

Which brought to mind these tasty cookies – so, I made some ;-)

This is a rich cookie; but worth every calorie!

I am determined to lose more weight ... and I like sweets too; so, to satisfy both needs and wants, I used a small spoon to drop cookie dough onto my cookie sheet for smaller cookies.

COCONUT-CRANBERRY CHEWS ~ Makes about 6 dozen cookies

About 1-1/2 cups (3/4-lb.) Butter, at room temperature * 2 cups granulated Sugar * 1 Tablespoon grated Orange peel * 2 teaspoon Vanilla * 1 large Egg * 3-1/4 cups all-purpose Flour * 1 teaspoon Baking Powder * ¼ teaspoon Sea Salt * 1-1/2 cups dried Cranberries * 1-1/2 cups sweetened flaked dried Coconut

In a large bowl, with a mixer on medium speed, beat butter, sugar, orange peel, and vanilla until smooth. Beat in egg until well blended:

Butter mixture

In a medium bowl, mix flour, baking powder, and salt. Add to butter mixture; stir to mix, then beat on low speed until dough comes together – about 5 minutes. Mix in cranberries and coconut …

Full cookie dough; I only made half the recipe - if you make the full recipe, the bowl will be fuller.

Shape dough into 1-inch balls and place 2-inches apart on buttered 12” x 15” baking sheet.

Bake in a 350-degree oven until cookie edges begin to brown – about 11 to 15 minutes. Remove from oven and let cookies cool on cookie sheet for 5 minutes; then using a wide spatula, transfer cookies to wire rack to cool completely.

YUM!

WHY CAN'T THE COUNTY LEAVE THE COUNTRYSIDE ALONE?

WHY can't the County just leave the countryside alone?

I was driving Delameter Road yesterday, and there was heavy construction going on with road crews halting & ferrying traffic from the top of Delameter to just before the West Side Highway junction. Ditches were being dug, new roadway was being laid, in some places, it looks like more than a 2-lane passage is in the planning, and one entire hillside was been built up (the towering pile of hillside wasn't there last month when I passed over Delameter).

Looking at it, all I could think was, "WHY are they ruining this pretty stretch of roadway?"

I went online tonight to find our what the heck was going on, and read that the County has decided to turn that stretch of the highway into a tourist trap like so many other small towns are doing with their countrysides. They are widening the road (which does NOT need it), adding a CONCRETE RETAINING WALL (which again, is not needed for the original road; but with all the revamping that is unstabalizing the hillside ...), and putting in bicycling and walking lanes - isn't it bad enough that we have to deal with citified bicyclists on our main roads without now giving them the country roads too, to cause traffic jams and accidents? And WHAT is the reasoning behind having "walking lanes" on Delameter?

The whole project is ridiculous and a total waste of time and monies that could better be used elsewhere for LEGIT reasons.

WHY CAN'T THE COUNTY LEAVE THE COUNTRYSIDE ALONE?

Delameter used to be a very nice 10 minute cross-over country drive to avoid downtown madness - if I wanted to see concrete retaining walls, bicycle lanes, pedestrian paths, ect. ON BACK ROADS ... I'd move to Vancouver!

Country roads should remain country - THAT IS THE BEAUTY OF THEM.

I am angry that County Officials have taken it upon themselves to decide what is "best" for county citizens without asking them what they think is best for them. I KNOW County citizens do NOT like the influx of annual city bicyclists that flood our region and take over the highways every year: and NOW they will be flooding and jamming up the backroads too, where there used to be serenity of natural scenic views, and peace of mind from the main road madness.

Very pissed right now ...

A COMPLICATED PARADOX

It is a complicated paradox.

I am joyful knowing Bob is enjoying a better life in a better place.

And I am sorrowful knowing I will never see, touch, or love Bob again. Ever.

I desperately need the comfort of Elohim tonight.

Psalm 61 soothes, affirms, and heals my broken spirit.

Today, last year, Bob had been wheeled into surgery a little after 3 PM, to drain the pseudocysts on his pancreas … but the procedure was halted once they got the internal camera in place to see what needed to be done. Apparently, the cysts were “in a bad place”, and the surgeons felt it would do more damage that good to proceed. Around 7 PM, he was brought back to the ICU Ward – same room. After consultations, it was determined that his Team would try “radiology treatment sometime tomorrow”.

I was not happy that my husband, in his fragile condition, was put through all that preparation for nothing. And I was worried about Bob – he was nervous enough waiting all day to get into surgery … he was under a lot of stress as it was, and stress further aggravated his condition.

The big concern, this day, last year, was the breathing tube Bob had to be on for the surgery that never happened – the longer he remained on the tube, the more risk his lungs would stop working on their own. It was not a good situation.

Any of it.

I hated seeing Bob so helpless.

Bob on breathing tube. A horrible experience for both of us.

I hated that insidious illness that was robbing us of normalcy, and trying to steal Bob’s life & chipping away at his dignity.

I rested on Elohim’s mercy and Yeshua’s grace while I worked on the striped baby blanket I had designed for hospital donation; and prayed that Bob’s lungs would start working on their own and Bob could get off that tube asap.

And I played music to soothe my soul. This song got played a lot – I like Matthew’s singing, and this song fit the mood in that little ICU room perfectly: this Psalm was written by David, King of Israel, at a time when he was far from his home and safety (Bob & I were in another State, in an unfamiliar hospital: far from home, and feeling all safety nets slipping). In his sorrow, King David called out to Elohim – he knew that only in the Rock of Salvation, could he find rest & safety from the turmoil that assailed him on all fronts. In Elohim, Kind David always found shelter; and Elohim always heard his cry, reached down, and lifted him high atop the Rock.

I could SO identify with King David, December 4^th, 2018!

And, tonight, I am playing this song again. And SO NEEDING the comfort King David sought and Matthew sings about; as tonight, this year, my thoughts are pulled back to tonight, last year … and I cry – acutely feeling the loss of my husband in my life.

It is a complicated paradox.

I am joyful knowing Bob is enjoying a better life in a better place.

And I am sorrowful knowing I will never see, touch, or love Bob again. Ever.

I desperately need the comfort of Elohim tonight.

“Lead me to the Rock, that is higher than I: for Thou hast been a Refuge to me. A Tower of Strength against my enemies … hear my cry & keep me – let me dwell in Your presence forever; protect me with Your love and faithfulness – and I will sing praises of Your Name, and fulfill my vows day after day.”

PROMISE UNKEPT

Today, last year, was an exciting day:

87 beats: procedure day happens tomorrow ... Wednesday

Things were looking promising. Bob’s heart had stabilized enough to go forward with the scheduled surgery.

My frosty morning view from Bob’s ICU/ER room. I took a quick look before heading to the main lobby while Bob was ferried to exams.

Bob’s Team was bustling about, getting him ready: while he was whisked away for more exams, I met his son Alex, in the main lobby and was hustled back home across the river for a few hours; to touch base with Bill Collectors, do a load of laundry, and take a quick shower. Alex visited with Bob’s sister Merry.

After bills were paid, shower taken and duffel repacked with clothing & knitting project/restocked with juices & snacks (I grabbed our laptops this trip too); I watered my Christmas Cactus's …

My white Christmas Cactus was in bloom; a nice welcome home.

My Pink Christmas Cactus did not bloom until after Christmas.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2018/12/moving-forward.html)

… and flushed the fish: they had died from hunger because I had not been home – I felt a little guilty about the fish; but honestly, those fish were the  last thing on my mind: Bob as the only thing on my mind today, last year. Then I locked the house up and parked our car in Merry’s driveway, and hopped into Alex’s car. Before Suppertime, I was back at OHSU.

264 hours.

That’s the timeframe it took for any further promises this side of Heaven to expire; this time, last year.

There would be no more promises kept.

Today, this year, I was up at 3 AM this morning, and crying my heart out by 7:30 AM. The lonelies hit big time: I was missing my grandchildren; when Alex & Stacey are being spiteful and hateful, the grandkids are also absent.

And all of me was missing Bob.

I was saved from total despair by Cheryl and Pam – we spent the entire day together: hours spent talking on the phone; then decided to get together at Cheryl’s house because we all felt the need to share more of us with each other ;-)

I love those 2 :-D

Cheryl and Pam, moved here to WA State shortly before my family moved here to WA State – I’ve been here 53 years, and I’m thinking they have both been here maybe 55 years. I am a Yankee, born and bred; and they are both Georgia Peaches … all southern charm. We balance each other out.

Bob’s family hailed from the South too; his great-grandfather, James Smalley, switched sides during the war, becoming a Union Soldier, and eventually moving West & settling in Eden Valley following the Civil War. I loved my southern man; my gentle giant who was a true gentleman with a humble disposition.

Bob's great-great-grandfather - on his mother's side. 

Bob's great-grandfather - his mother's grandfather.

Bob's Grandpa Henry Smalley, on the left - his mother's father. I loved Bob's grandpa Henry & Grandma Myrtle: they were good people ... and good to me; Grandma welcomed me immediately into the family, even before we married.

Our placement in the family cemetery, started by his great-great-grandfather.

All my life I have been surrounded by southern comfort :-D

Bob liked Southern Gospel & Charlie Daniels.

Spending time with Cheryl & Pam today, made the flashbacks of today, last year SO much easier to bear today, this year.

I am healing.

Their love & support has been a tremendous help in the healing process.

And my Christmas Cactus's are thriving too: they will BOTH be in bloom together, this year ;-)

White Christmas Cactus (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2017/11/switching-floral-arrangements-out.html)

Pink Christmas Cactus (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2017/11/holiday-anticipation-in-full-swing.html)