A COMPLICATED PARADOX

It is a complicated paradox.

I am joyful knowing Bob is enjoying a better life in a better place.

And I am sorrowful knowing I will never see, touch, or love Bob again. Ever.

I desperately need the comfort of Elohim tonight.

Psalm 61 soothes, affirms, and heals my broken spirit.

Today, last year, Bob had been wheeled into surgery a little after 3 PM, to drain the pseudocysts on his pancreas … but the procedure was halted once they got the internal camera in place to see what needed to be done. Apparently, the cysts were “in a bad place”, and the surgeons felt it would do more damage that good to proceed. Around 7 PM, he was brought back to the ICU Ward – same room. After consultations, it was determined that his Team would try “radiology treatment sometime tomorrow”.

I was not happy that my husband, in his fragile condition, was put through all that preparation for nothing. And I was worried about Bob – he was nervous enough waiting all day to get into surgery … he was under a lot of stress as it was, and stress further aggravated his condition.

The big concern, this day, last year, was the breathing tube Bob had to be on for the surgery that never happened – the longer he remained on the tube, the more risk his lungs would stop working on their own. It was not a good situation.

Any of it.

I hated seeing Bob so helpless.

Bob on breathing tube. A horrible experience for both of us.

I hated that insidious illness that was robbing us of normalcy, and trying to steal Bob’s life & chipping away at his dignity.

I rested on Elohim’s mercy and Yeshua’s grace while I worked on the striped baby blanket I had designed for hospital donation; and prayed that Bob’s lungs would start working on their own and Bob could get off that tube asap.

And I played music to soothe my soul. This song got played a lot – I like Matthew’s singing, and this song fit the mood in that little ICU room perfectly: this Psalm was written by David, King of Israel, at a time when he was far from his home and safety (Bob & I were in another State, in an unfamiliar hospital: far from home, and feeling all safety nets slipping). In his sorrow, King David called out to Elohim – he knew that only in the Rock of Salvation, could he find rest & safety from the turmoil that assailed him on all fronts. In Elohim, Kind David always found shelter; and Elohim always heard his cry, reached down, and lifted him high atop the Rock.

I could SO identify with King David, December 4^th, 2018!

And, tonight, I am playing this song again. And SO NEEDING the comfort King David sought and Matthew sings about; as tonight, this year, my thoughts are pulled back to tonight, last year … and I cry – acutely feeling the loss of my husband in my life.

It is a complicated paradox.

I am joyful knowing Bob is enjoying a better life in a better place.

And I am sorrowful knowing I will never see, touch, or love Bob again. Ever.

I desperately need the comfort of Elohim tonight.

“Lead me to the Rock, that is higher than I: for Thou hast been a Refuge to me. A Tower of Strength against my enemies … hear my cry & keep me – let me dwell in Your presence forever; protect me with Your love and faithfulness – and I will sing praises of Your Name, and fulfill my vows day after day.”