My 2nd Fall … ing

I knew I was on shaky ground last night when I listened to – and posted Janis Joplin’s “Misery ‘N”.

I wasn’t aware that I was going down that path, until I posted the song to my FB Page.

My day was going pretty okay.

Nothing seemed out of kilter.

But that imp, Grief prodded me.

I’m not looking forward to the gray and dreary days coming …

This is my 2^nd Fall without Bob.

I always know it’s arriving.

I always think I am prepared.

I always find myself falling into a disorienting whirlpool of swirling emotions.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxTWAl4mBZE)

I used to always – almost giddily – anticipate Fall’s arrival.

Now, I dread the approach of Fall.

I always know it’s arriving.

I always think I am prepared.

We started building our life together, in the Fall.

We helplessly watched our life together start unraveling, in the Fall.

We were surprised at how fast it was happening.

Fall is a ‘gloaming’ season.

The days are short.

The days are 50% dark.

The darkness seems to never end …

Fall leads to Winter.

Winter always represented birth to me.

Winter now represents death to me.

The gloaming days never bothered me before: Fall and Winter was my favorite time of year (color pop in the Fall; white overlaid pristine beauty of the Winter) – I waited with baited breath for Fall to arrive and usher in Winter.

Winter used to be full of laughter.

Now, Winter is full or sorrow.

The gloaming days now bother me.

They trouble my mind.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=katyIs-QkPY)

I now notice the darkness in the gloaming.

Bob was my Mr. Sunshine.

His smile lit up my world.

His laughter; music to my ears.

 

The light in my Mr. Sunshine started waning in the afternoon of September 1^st, 2018.

November 7^th, 2018; the light was seriously dimming.

By 8:05 AM, December 14^th, the light had gone out.

ONE HUNDRED SIX DAYS

It only took 106 days to wipe out a lifetime.

44 years gone: ((((POOF!))))

In a heartbeat … with a silent exhalation … I was bumped from Wife to Widow.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/1-year-since-bobs-been-absent-from-my.html)

I was surprised at how fast it all happened.

There hasn’t been any real sunshine in my life since 2018.

I knew, when I went to bed last night, that my emotions were stretched thin.

I dropped off to sleep without any hassles.

I actually slept until 9 AM … I’ve been keeping Bob’s hours, getting up at 6 AM … so I felt a little guilty sleeping in until 9.

Just a little …

My brain needed the ‘down time’.

I didn’t lay there too long.

I surprised myself by throwing back the covers, pulling clothes on, tying my hiking shoes – and grabbing the key fob.

I was leaving the house without making the bed.

I could visualize Bob’s startled expression.

I was startled myself 😉

The bed always got made.

Always.

No matter what.

Military upbringing – the bed always got made as soon as our feet hit the floor.

Before the day got under way.

But, not today.

Today, I was escaping unwanted thoughts.

I hiked the Pacific Way Trail.

Without any guilt at all about the unmade bed, back home 😉

Pacific Way Trail - 5.2 miles round trip from 48th to 30th - 2.6 miles 1-way.

A Fuzzy Wuzzy right off the bat ...

I saw a fuzzy wuzzy straight off … almost stepped on it; and that brought a whole slew of other memories into my scattered thoughts.

Bob and I had walked this dike hike for decades; we walked it with our granddaughter when she was a child – the last time we walked it together, was with our 4-year-old grandson – who was mesmerized by a fuzzy wuzzy.

Tears threatened.

But they did not fall.

I don't know what Bob & Aza were talking about, but they were intent on it.

Aza crawled after it ...

A closer look.

Absolutely beautiful Fall day along the dike.

A Red-eared Slider hybrid - offspring of a cast-off slider and a native turtle. Nose definite slider.

I saw a LOT of Fuzzy Wuzzy's today.

A Great Blue Heron.

A Mallard.

A TURTLE!

A Painter Turtle - a native PNW freshwater turtle.

The hike helped.

But I still miss Bob.

A lot.

Not a raw missing anymore.

But an acute missing just the same.

When I got home and collected the mail, I saw that the AT/T bill had finally arrived … and so had notification to renew the Car Licensing.

Back into town I went.

I paid AT/T first.

Then I crossed town, and paid the State their demanded hefty fee for the privilege of driving my car on roads that are constantly torn up in continual repair mode.

That imp, Grief, was still raising hell with my emotions … and absentmindedly I slapped the renewal tab onto the license plate in the wrong place … and had to go back inside DOL to get another “October” sticker to make the cops’ job easier for them when/if I get pulled over.

I felt stupid.

I know I’m not stupid.

But I felt stupid.

I didn’t appreciate Grief making me look stupid.

I slammed the car door, and drove home, missing Bob a lot.

I am trying not to hate this time of year.

But tonight … this full-grown woman (Bob’s ‘Lady’) … is feeling little girl blue ☹

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH4kAsf8IlQ)

I know that most of the time I do okay.

I know that these blue-tinged-days will only be until the first of the New Year.

I also know that if insleeze doesn’t open this State back up so we can all get back to living our lives and staving off the melancholy cloud, the blue mood of these short 106 days will bleed over into 2021.

Some semblance of normalcy is needed.

Widowing under ‘normal circumstances’ is hard.

Widowing under the political ridiculousness of 2020 has been sheer hell.

The Fall/Winter gloaming doesn’t help the situation.

I hope: this time, next year, I’ll be better prepared and a little less likely to fall into Fall …ing.