FIREWORKS ~ Over Men

The New Year is 30 days away.

But fireworks were going off already, today.

Opinions.

They can cause more wildfires than natural causes, or firebugs with a handful of matches.

The tongue is an unruly beast; and far too many people set it loose, far too often.

When will people learn that some thoughts are better left unsaid.

Earlier tonight a woman in one of the {helpful} Widow Groups I am in, opened her head and let her thoughts fall out … all over her keyboard … and then – actually fingered ‘enter’. 

The post was in play.

The offensive wildfire was off and running.

Consternation was apparent as replies were fired back and forth.

The woman, determined to set herself up as Judge and Juror; was eventually blocked by me.

I don’t want to be dealing with ridiculous shit.

The Title of the Group appears to be the main issue.

So, I asked the Owner/Moderator for clarification.

Confusion remains, as the answers given were not very clear at all.

I am not the only one left wondering, “WTF”?

So … we will see what happens.

At any rate, the troublemaker is blocked from my end – the question was offensively inappropriate, and judgmental in concept.

Totally unacceptable in the world of widowhood.

While I do agree with the owner and moderator that widows need to get past their ‘deep grieving’, and ‘move forward’ … I do not agree that a warm body and jungle sex is the answer for every widow.

Either her Group is welcoming to widows in ALL stages of moving forward (including dating) … or it is a group specifically for dating, booty-call-roll-call, and beef cake comparisons.

If the Group in inclusive, then that needs to be stated.

If the Group is exclusive, that also needs to be clarified.

Clarification of 'moving on' is still not very clear.

Widowhood is a complex life, already confusing.

It is a life adjustment – adjustments take time.

Those undergoing adjustments are doing the best they can to move forward: widows do not need someone haranguing them to ‘get on with it, already!’ (the idea being a man will solve every damned thing).

Finding happiness again after a shattering experience takes time. People can move past raw grief and still be slow in rebuilding – there is a lot to consider in rebuilding.

Are these women stuck in the mindset that a man and jungle sex will fix everything?

These are women in their 50’s (the ‘material girl’ schoolgirls) making these judgments on the older widows, who don’t think men are necessarily interchangeable; like fancy underwear.

YES … I AM a Widow.

But I am more than that, too.

I am a wife … yes; that will never change, even though my husband is no longer on Earth: I will always BE Bob’s wife. A new man couldn’t erase that fact.

I am a daughter.

I am a sister.

I am a mother.

I am an aunt.

I am a grandmother.

I am a friend.

I am a designer of funky original items that have gone global.

I am an adventurous author – nothing that went global; but I did have a children’s novel printed and purchased (an adventure with the PNW Sasquatch). Bob shared my excitement after he got over the shock. LOL

I am a survivor … of more than my husband’s physical death. I have survived an abusive past that would cripple most people for the rest of their lives. Bob loved me in spite of that past – Bob’s love lifted me out of that past. Bob’s love made me safe, and whole. Bob’s love added worth to my life: I know my value now, and I refuse to be treated badly – by anyone.

I am a kick-ass fighter with a ‘don’t try me’ tone, and mean right hook; I don’t particularly like that side of me, but I am not shy in bringing it out when necessary. It was in full play all of 2019, up to July 1^st, 2020. Whether it comes out again depends on how people treat me going forward.

My life is an open book: I don’t hide my scars. I am who I am because of my scars … my scars are beauty marks – each scar highlights a battle I survived and won. Each scar is testimony to a determination to rise above circumstances to overcome situations. Each scar highlights that I am still here; back on my feet, engaged and ready to fight for what I want: and dare anyone to stand in my way, or try and stop me. MY LIFE MATTERS. My scars shaped my life; I am not ashamed of them. My scars are my Purple Heart.

Bob was the only man I knew that could love me as strong as I lived. 

There will never be another Bob … and I couldn’t settle for less strength in another man.

I AM ME.

Me includes being a widow.

It would be asinine to try to deny that part of ME.

Widowhood is part of my ‘becoming’.

It is the main part; unwanted as it is.

It is the kingpin on which my new life is being built.

That someone sitting behind a screen reading posts about private lives, and then judging them because they are not up to that shady person’s standards, is not okay.

So, I asked for Group clarification.

Not specifically for myself, because I really don’t give a rat’s ass what a judgmental rat thinks about me – or MY life – but I do care about the other widows who were judged harshly. And without real reason. Judged because someone got their panties in a bunch reading about someone else’s life, and making an assumption that they were not trying hard enough to move forward (translation: not swooning over beef cake or interested in sampling beef cake).

There are plenty of FB Groups that cater to sexual encounters: maybe she had joined the wrong Group, hoping for hookups?

That seemed to be all she was focused on – and argued about.

She totally ignored the fact that 50+ means these women were married most of their lives to the loves of their lives: a new man may not be what they are trying to ‘move’ towards. 

There is more to rebuilding a life than adding a new warm body to it.

For some, it is a total rebuilding – I fall into this sector of widowhood. I am still a work in progress. I … like many other widows … are thinking the progress will be a lifelong undertaking: ‘deep grieving’ has little to do with it. Understanding how to do what needs doing to rebuild this new life we must make for ourselves, takes time – it needs input of others who have weathered the storm and made it happen. That ‘happening’ does not necessarily have to include a new man in the mix. What someone thinks about that, is none of their business: it doesn’t, nor should it concern them. It will take as long as it takes. Others chimed in with the same sentiments.

For some, it is skipping the rebuilding, and getting straight to the booty calls. And that may be fine FOR THEM. But it should not be a mandate for moving forward. Sometimes being part of a cattle call can be a crippling thing if the rebuilding in all areas of their lives is put on hold in the rush to prove they ‘still have it’.

Anyway, it irritated the hell out of me; so, I blocked her.

This time of year, is always hard enough.

I don’t need the added weight of watching moronic self-appointed judges running roughshod over lives they know nothing about, concerning people they do not know personally.

IT’S NONE OF THIER BUSINESS.

But, I was wondering if I was in the wrong Group.

I asked for clarifications on the Group’s purpose.

Confusion still reigns.

Fireworks are still shot back and forth.

Why can’t people understand that Widows are, and always will be widows … but they are also so much more.

Widows can grieve the love of their life; and they can talk about the men that were part of their life without letting that deep love hamper them from enjoying life: I am proof of that no matter how much Bob comes into my conversations. Bob was part of my life for most of my life – it would impossible to move forward without talking about him at some point.

But that does not mean that I, like other widows, are lost in ‘deep grief’ … whatever the hell that means.

‘Deep’ carries several possibilities: a teaspoon of water is enough to drown a person. Should widows not grieve at all?

Grieving and ‘deep grieving’ are two separate things: one lasts forever … the other lasts only until adjustments are made for acceptance of a new life that must be rebuilt. Rebuilding is a personal action. Rebuilding takes time (‘deep grieving’ or not). Groups help with those adjustments; and judging is just poor taste.

Certain times of the year trigger a certain depth of grieving in all widows – for a period of time: that is just a fact of life that cannot be got around: it happens, and judgments are not needed – those slumps are eventually tackled and gotten through.

Widows should know this!

Grief hits hard sometimes before the thoughts, hearts, and ‘moving forward’ kicks back in, and gets us back on track with the forward momentum.

And men play only a small part of that.

MEN!

Men are always behind catfight fireworks displays 😉