20 MONTHS ~ Today

20 months ago, today: 20 months/4 hours & 12 minutes.

Today.

A lot has changed in those 20 months. I have lost family and friends – some drifted away because of course, I am no longer “family”; Bob is gone, and there is no place for me there anymore. 1 BIL & 1 SIL remain friendly, and I am thankful – but the rest have scattered as Bob knew they would.

Friends who simply could not understand what Widowhood is like, drifted away also: and I understand. They could not comprehend that grief is endless; it ebbs and flows, but it never disappears. And they were frightened: if it happened to us, at 69 (Bob) & 62 (Me) respectfully … it could happen to them at 70, 67, & 65 – they and their spouses were in the age group where mortality starts frightening people. And EVERYONE SEEMED TO WANT ME TO START DATING AND REMARRY. It pissed me off. I love my husband! I can’t imagine sharing love with anyone else.

Our children abandoned me – Bob & I knew this would happen; but it still stung. And I actually had 1 friend (who is no longer a friend) tell me that “if you raise your children right, they will do right by you”. That is NONSENSE! Even Scripture says that children rebel no matter how they are brought up – people … that INCLUDES CHILDREN … have free will; just as adults rebel against Elohei, children rebel against their parents: it’s human nature.

I was suddenly a single woman again, though I am still very much married in my heart. My children – citing their choice to be “happy pagans” as opposed to Bob & my choice to be Christians, abandoned me; this was no surprise, as they had abandoned Bob & I decades ago – they just permanently cut the tie after Bob's spirit left Earth.

For that, I was judged – by family members, those I thought were friends, and the church (which in judging in matters they know nothing of, is not “the Church”).

They have NO right to judge. Anything; at any time.

T.H.E.Y.H.A.V.E.N.O.R.I.G.H.T.

**********

Written by John Polo ~ Once a widow. Always a widow.

Once a widower. Always a widower.
No, this isn’t a plea for sympathy.
No, this isn’t even an angry post.
This is an honest post.
This is a passionate post.
This is a real post.
Sit down.
And shut up.

Unless you watched your spouse die. Unless you buried your spouse. Unless you cremated your spouse.
Sit down.
And shut up.

Do not tell a widow or widower how they should be living.
Do not tell a widow or widower how they should be acting.
And please, for the love of all that is right in this world, PLEASE – do NOT tell a widow or widower when they should try to love again.
I am sick of seeing widows and widowers vilified for trying to pick up the pieces of their lives.
I am sick of seeing widows and widowers vilified for trying to find companionship again. For trying to find love again.
Hell, for trying to find ANYTHING again!
We are lost souls. On a journey to find our self again.

And YOU want to judge?

You?

Do you know the courage it takes to go back out there after your spouse has died?
After you watched them die of cancer. Or a massive heart attack. Or suicide.
After you watched them fall to sixty pounds. Having bowel movements on themselves. Having horrific hallucinations so bad that seeing them like that strangled your soul.
After you watched them fall to their knees. And clutch their chest. And take their last breath.
After you walked in on their body. Dead. Because they took their own life.

You have no idea.

Do you have any idea how badly the loss of a spouse messes with your mind? With your heart? With your soul?
No. You don’t.
So sit down.
And shut up.

You are not allowed to judge.

You are not allowed to pass judgment as you drive home to your spouse.
You are not allowed to pass judgment as you eat dinner with your spouse.
You are not allowed to pass judgment as you cuddle up on the couch with your spouse.
You are not allowed to pass judgment as you have sexy time with your spouse.

You. Are. Not. Allowed. To.