I AM NEVER ALONE

When Bob & I were facing his impending physical death in the Fall & Winter of 2018 – after the shock of hearing he was going to die – we decided, together, to lean on Elohei and keep our eyes on Yeshua. We prayed separately; we prayed together … we prayed openly: we did not keep our Faith a secret. Bob shared his salvation testimony time and time again with his medical team and his medical attendants. Our entire mindset/heartset was, “Lord, we’ve done what You told us to do. We’ve been obedient to You in all things. Now we’re going to trust you.”

Bob coming to terms with the shocking death sentence pronouncement in ER, August 30th, 2018: his 69th birthday.

I remember exactly how & what I felt those 107 days that changed our lives forever. I remember the first morning I walked back into ICU, and watching his eyes light up and hearing him say, “Where have you been! Why did you leave me here to languish?” I remember crying when he said that, because I knew he did not want to be there and I should never have taken him to ER to begin with. I remember begging Bob to forgive me for overriding him … and driving him to ER because fear got ahold of me when I saw him vomiting – he told me he did not want to go to the hospital: I forced him to go. I remember my husband reaching for my hand, holding it, and saying, “There is nothing to forgive Honey; you were scared. I am sorry I am leaving you.” Even then – Bob thought only of me and my comfort. I remember watching my husband slipping away: and wondering how I was going to live without him. I remember standing for hours on end beside his hospital beds (2 beds - 2 hospitals; 2 different States), holding his hand, and kissing his bald head – praying for a miracle … or a speedy, dignified exit from this life. I remember watching him being attended to – and watching his eyes watching me and my every move when I walked into his hospital room: or left for the evening; August 30th thru October. I remember coming home and laying in bed at night (the nights before I decided to pack a duffel bag and camp in Bob’s hospital rooms 24/7); keeping night lights on – trying desperately to keep the darkness at bay & praying for a miracle: and saying out loud, “Yeshua, You have been with me through every circumstance in my life since I gave my life to You in 1965. There isn’t a single time I can remember that You have not walked beside me and gotten me through the storms. I know You’re going to see me through this one, too.” I knew He would – I KNEW my husband would be leaving Earth … and I knew Yeshua wouldn’t take him until I was ready to let him go – I prepared myself to do that: it would be selfish of me to keep him bound to Earth, suffering so, just because I wanted him with me always. I determined to steel myself so my husband wouldn’t feel guilty leaving. If it was time for him to go Home – it was time for me to let him go.

Bob finally got a room at OHSU; his medical team was awesome, and good to us … but there was no real turn-around: we were still “on borrowed time”.

Bob in ICU at OHSU, waiting for his heart rate to stabilize for surgery on the pancreas cysts.

Bob back in ICU at OHSU; the anticipated surgery was a bust - too risky. This seriously was the beginning of the end ... 8 days later, Bob was walked into Heaven.

Bob’s last moments with me in OHSU: December 13^th, 2018; around 9 PM. By 8:05 AM, December 14^th, Bob’s spirit had shed his earthen vessel and he was walking Heaven’s streets of gold.

I never – even for a nano second entertained doubt; and I determined to slay fear.

Prayer was the anchor that kept us stable as we navigated those choppy waters & strengthened our spiritual fortitude: I don’t know what Bob prayed when I was not with him, and there was just him & Yeshua in the those dark and lonely hours, where he came to terms with impending death on his own. But I KNOW he started and ended his days like I did: with Yeshua.

For us, that was the only way to deal with the situation and circumstances of our changing life together. We were acknowledging Elohei in the situation – that we needed His help to get through; His insight: Yeshua KNEW what the outcome would be & we gave ourselves solely into His keeping – determinedly content to accept whatever His Will would be; His understanding … Yeshua understands separation and sorrow; we could trust Him to come alongside us and comfort us; His courage – we needed the courage only Yeshua could instill within us: if He could face Death and stare it down (and He did!), then we could and would face Death in the same manner; and His Faith: we trusted Yeshua’s faithfulness to never leave us, or forsake us.

We were not disappointed.

Yes, Bob went Home … but, we KNEW he would – Bob told me as much on the drive to ER, August 30th, 2018. I remember Bob looking at me as I drove, and telling me, “I don’t think I’ll be coming home this time Val. I’m sorry.” I didn’t want to hear that! But I heard it, just the same, and I remembered those words, and the way my husband had spoken them to me (forewarning me, if you will), over the 107 days that remained of our life together. I believe THAT helped me deal with the whole thing.

I have always trusted Yeshua with my life. ALWAYS. I never doubted that I could trust Him in any – and all, circumstances & situations. In trusting Elohei, in total and complete FAITH, you can face anything: no matter what it is. Yeshua said, “I’ll never leave you or forsake you,” and He is faithful.

Yes, I have sorrowful moments. Yes, there are days I struggle with. Yes, I have been abandoned and lost my entire family over the past 10 months. Yes, the future intimidates me. Yes, I MISS my husband’s presence in my life … and there are days I cry all day with the missing.

And, on those days, I KNOW both Yeshua & Bob come alongside me to help me through those rough patches. And when I need human comfort – soothing voices and comforting hugs, my friends get a divinely appointed message to come visit me.

I am never alone.

Bob is no longer physically here … but, I am never alone.

I will rebuild my life upon the love Yeshua showered me with & Bob lavished upon me when he walked this Earth with me and loved me like a man.

Love surrounds me.

I am never alone.