Saturday, August 10, 2019

CONFIDENCE/COURAGE/STRENGTH


Well …

In this new life I have, I may not know where I am headed; BUT I do KNOW that I am NOT going back to the way it was.

THAT I DO KNOW.



I’m not going back – I am not going to continue chasing after anybody.

I’m not going to chase after Bob’s family.

I’m not going to chase after the kids.

I am not going to chase after anybody – for anything.

All these people know where I live: that hasn’t changed.

They know our phone number: that hasn’t changed.

So, if they aren’t (and they AREN’T) stopping by to visit me … or calling to talk with me; then I am going to assume, correctly, that they don’t want to have me in their lives.

They – none of them – want to have anything to do with me. I am the puzzle piece no one wants to deal with.

And that’s okay with me: if I have to drag them kicking and screaming into my life, I’d rather not have them in my life.

Bob gave me a LOT of confidence – and I am moving forward with that confidence.

Bob loved me.

Bob believed in me.

Bob had faith that I will be okay.

Bob KNEW that I would be abandoned: that’s why he hung into life for as long as he did.

I finally begged him to "Babe, let go" - it was killing me watching him suffer.

Bob knew that when he stepped off this planet, there would be no one there for me.

There never has been - not before him, not after him.

All of our married life, Bob instilled confidence in me.

And I am drawing on that, to move forward.

I remember one time, at his house before we got married, we had friends over – and one girl in particular, was the life of the party; and that deflated me. I remember saying to Bob, “I don’t know why you are dating me – I’m thankful you’re dating me, but I just don’t understand why.” He gave me a long look and said, “I don’t know why you would think that.” And I said, “Look at her – she’s pretty. She’s smart. She’s outgoing. She’s the life of the party.” And Bob said, “Exactly. And that is why I don’t want anyone like that. I had someone like that in my life; I married someone like that. That person you think would be better for me, reminds me of my ex-wife. I’m not interested in someone like that.” Then he took me by my hand and led me into the bathroom to stand before the mirror. He said, “What do you see?” I looked. And said, “I don’t see much of anything.” And he turned me around to face him, cupped my face with his big gentle hands, stared into my eyes, and said, “Well, you’re wrong. When I look at you, I see a beautiful lady - MY LADY. To me, you ARE beautiful. And you have a gorgeous body that turns me on. You have a kind and gentle spirit. You have a good heart. And you have a beautiful soul. To me, you are beautiful.” Then he kissed me. And said again, “You ARE beautiful to me; and that is why I am with YOU.”

Bob loved me.

Without hesitation, and without reservation.

Bob loved me unconditionally.

If Bob’s family can’t – or won’t - love me (they’ve never loved me, and never will); if our children can’t love me – because I wasn’t the parent, they wanted … I didn’t let them get away with murder: I didn’t let them sit around smoking pot, or drinking beer in our home, or sleep with their ‘friends’ … I just was not the mother that they wanted; and the grandkids can’t love me because they’ve been raised with their parents’ prejudices – and we never really got to know our grandchildren because the kids never came here ... and we weren't welcome there. Except Alyna – Alyna lived with us, for quite awhile during her early years. But when she went to live with her mother, and would come back occasionally to visit, we started hearing the same things we heard coming from Alex’s mouth when he went back to live with his mother and would come to visit: “I don’t have to listen to you, you’re not my mother” and so forth.

I am coming around to the conclusion that I don't need them in my life either to have a satisfactory, full life.

Alex lived with us from age 5 to 6 … and those were good years for our family. Bob’s ex-wife had remarried, and her husband (who was in the Army) had been stationed in Germany – so she went overseas with him, and Alex stayed behind with us: an that was okay with me. Alex was Bob’s son, and I was pregnant and thought it would be a great thing for us to bond as a family, especially with the baby coming. It was good for our family. Bob & Alex finally got to know each other, Alex got to know me – and he liked me: he thought I was a fun person. I WAS a fun person. And I treated him well: he was Bob’s son. And when Stacey was finally born, Alex loved her immediately – he thought she was his personal, animated toy. LOL! He enjoyed being with her – he enjoyed having her around. He was proud of her. “That’s my little sister!” he would tell everyone within hearing, “That’s my little sister.” But, his mother got kicked off base over in Germany, because she was being herself and embarrassing the military; so she came back stateside, and Alex went to live with her. And when he came to visit us, all of sudden the chill was felt & we started hearing, “I don’t have to listen to you; you’re not my mother”, and “she’s not my sister; I don’t like her.” And that attitude continued until he removed himself from my life this past July 4th, 2019.

I have not missed the snide belittlement's or the stress - I have been ENJOYING THE PEACE.

Bob's mother just automatically hated me on sight - but that's okay too - BOB LOVED ME: and she hates ALL of her children's spouses; so I didn't feel too picked on - just sad for her, that she was so miserable that she has to make everyone else so unhappy. Bob's mother is a self-centered, over-bearing, and interfering woman. And her name-sake daughter is exactly the same in character and action. Bob's brother, Ralph, is an unapologetic bully, reeking of a sour disposition. And Bob's other siblings just go with the flow - I think they are just afraid of the hurricane force fallout if they buck the unholy 3. It is not a nice family ... HOW Bob - who was so kind, gentle, compassionate, caring, and inclusive came from all that open hostility, bitterness, and self-delusion, is beyond me to comprehend.



So, if these people don’t want to spend time with me, I am okay with that.

I KNOW that I am an okay person – I don’t need their stamp of approval.

Bob told me every day for 45 years that I was an okay person.

Bob loved me.

I was his lady.

Bob would not have spent 44 years being married to me if I was a terrible person. If I was someone who was mean – or cruel. Or just plain rotten. Bob would not have spent time with me, if I was a pariah.

He just wouldn’t have.

So, if these other people can’t find time for me in their lives – if they can’t love me enough to occasionally include me in their lives … I can let ‘em go.

I don’t know where I am going in my new life, but I know that I am not going back to that.

I tolerated it for Bob, because his family was important to him.

But they ALL have always let me know that I am nobody. That I am not worth their precious time – and that they were not going to invest their time in someone who was meaningless to them.

So, it’s not difficult for me to let them go.

And walk away.

They aren’t as special as they seem to believe they are.

They are Bob’s family. And one of them was Bob’s child; the other was our child. But they’ve let me know that they don’t want me in their lives.

And I’ve come to terms with that.

I am comfortable in my own skin – and with my own company. I’ve had to be most of my life, until Bob joined his life with mine.

I like me.

Bob loved me.

And I’m just not going to let people make me feel bad about myself anymore.

It’s scary enough traveling this Life’s Road, that I am unfamiliar with.

It’s hard enough to forge ahead with a life that has been seriously altered.

I am NOT going to drag all those people behind me, kicking and screaming – that don’t want to be a part of my life. I’m not going to do it.

So, like I said before: I don’t know where I am going; but I’m not going back to the life I had.



There’s something better for me out there … and I’m going for it.

I’m taking Bob’s love with me, in my heart.

I’m taking the confidence he gave me.

I’m going to view my life through his eyes – and through Elohim’s eyes.

Elohim & Bob give me the confidence I need to get up and face every day.

They give me the courage to embrace the day.

They give me the strength to move through the day.

And everyone else can just take a flying leap.



I’ve dropped 20 pounds since I refused to allow others' opinions, bitterness, and rejection to hamstring me.

I’m getting stronger.



And I swear … I CAN HEAR BOB CLAPPING and that is encouraging ;-)

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