Today I actually left the
comfort zone I shrouded myself with following Bob’s physical death in December 2018
... I drove over the Coal Creek backroads to Castle Rock; about 45 minutes one
way – the little store there has the best mixed green salads, and I felt like
eating one today ;-) I took the backroads because there is less stress on
country roads than going through town and onto the freeway. Bob and I always
took the backroads. He preferred the freeway which is faster, but stuck to the
backroads for my peace of mind: freeways are just too frantic for me. I avoid
them whenever possible.
The weather behaved
and the drive was relaxing. The only upsetting part was when I somehow tripped
the dome light and could not figure how to turn it off! So, I texted Alex with
a "Help!" text, followed by a short video showing him the light, the
little doodads surrounding it, and explaining the situation. The car is a
touch-start car and everything about it confuses me because Bob didn't get around to showing me how to
operate the darned thing before - well, you know. I don't know that I will
ever figure out how to operate the car past starting it and driving it. Bob had
confidence in me that I would eventually “get it” with difficult things, but
right now my brain is misfiring and/or going on strike when I need Bob’s boost
of confidence.
I know it sounds lame,
but I AM lame right now: my mind doesn't switch gears like it used to 7 months
ago. When I get into a stressful situation in the moment happening n.o.w., a brain freeze settles in, and all I can do is
squeak out a feeble, "Help!" Sometimes I am rendered speechless; or
actually start to stutter. Over little things. Totally not me; at least, not
the me I used to be before I became a widow and all common sense/logical
conclusions apparently flew out the top of my head. Even my daughter is
confused and constantly tells people, "This is not my mother's normal
behavior. Trust me; this woman can wage war with one hand and hold the fort
with the other. Nothing stops her from something she sets her mind to
doing." I sure wish I was, right now, that woman ... that other me ... Bob
and Stacey remember. I sure could use her fortitude.
Anyway.
I have to drive to
Eden Valley next month and I need to be able to drive more than 5 minutes into downtown
here - I need to be comfortable driving 2 hours straight without falling apart.
So today was the
beginning of spreading my wings, seeing past tunnel vision, and moving a little
further down the line.
Aside from the dome
light snafu, it went pretty well ;-)
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