UNINTENTIONAL HURT

My luv hurt me.

I hurt him.

These hurts were unintentional.

Thankfully we both know this, and the zing is subsiding.

Simon & Garfunkel - 'Bridge Over Troubled Waters' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0n-mYqB9WQ)

We are still learning about each other: triggers, body language, emotional depths, ways to read unspoken/unknown expectations, ways to willingly sacrifice parts of ourselves that do not benefit the totality of "US", ways to soothe each other while remaining true to our own selves; ect.

We only been married for 50 days. You don't really know someone until you spend serious time with them - dating is fun, you put your best foot forward. Marriage is the commitment plunge, scary but embraced happily. Living together for extended periods of time under one roof gets a bit more dicey ... the fun is still there, but it can get mangled in the day to day scary plunges of exposing a bit more of yourself - your inner self - to someone who is still basically a stranger in many ways.

NF - 'Time' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gw0tno1iAL8)

Unintentional hurts happen.

One of my ways of dealing with hurts is to withdraw; either by shutting myself off in an other room; or jumping in the car and taking a soothing drive - before talking {it} over after I've had time to think the situation over, and cool off.

One of Holland's way of dealing with hurts is to blow {it} off, withdraw, and eventually make his way to the river, watching the lapping water and running things through his thoughts. He prefers to escape, calm down, and never discuss {it} again ... unless he feels {it} needs to be interjected into a convo a week later.

This annoys me. I wanted to discuss {it} when it happened, work it through, and bury it. Rehashing it a week later breathes life back into {it}, rips the scab off, pokes the subsiding pain ... and renews a healing process all over again.

We both want peace at this stage of our lives.

We both seek peace in our own way.

Love is strong. Love is passionate. Love is messy.

Unintentional hurts happen: usually over small things that seem bigger than they actually are when dealt with individually.

Getting out of the house gets us out of our heads and activates our retired bodies - we are finally coming out of the winter blahs (draining and constant colds, gray weather, inactivity funk, ect.). So, this morning we looked out the livingroom windows and saw that the predicted {severe winter storm} apparently bypassed us; but it was nippy and the river winds would be downright cold ... we bundled up and went to the river.

The 'severe winter storm' barely dusted my strawberry jar and parsley bed.

A little more Mr. Frost across the street ...

Hardly worth mentioning. So much for the 'winter storm' severity, here.

Talking Heads - 'Take Me To The River' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RHZEzVUBPk)

My throat hurt, but I was glad to get out of the house; I was glad we were doing something together.

Holland's shoulder still hurts (his driving arm), so this was a love act on his part that we could both benefit from.

Kenny Loggins - 'Meet Me Halfway' song:(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFF3k_mHuNk)

We enjoyed the fresh air.

We talked. I like the sound of Holland's voice.

Rod Stewart - 'Have I Told You Lately That I Love You' song: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKOkUWjC0JU)

We laughed. I like the sound of Holland's laugh - I haven't heard it much lately.

We watched the wildlife: sea lions, seagulls, ducks, and fishermen ;-)

The sea lions were very energetic this morning.

Alston Corner in Oregon, across the Columbia got more snow than we did here in Longview, WA

The sea lions are avoiding the camera this morning - just like Holland.

A small young sea lion made a big catch ...

Apparently hail pounding the water surface makes sealions playful.

We relaxed and enjoyed each other.

Unintentional hurts happen ... but love overrides hurts ;-)

CHANGE THE WAY YOU SEE

I don’t have crow’s feet, I have happy happy memories of laughing with friends until the tears flowed.

I don’t have frown lines, I have the marks of my frustration and confusion, which I battled through, smiling in the end.

I am not going grey, I have shimmering highlights of wisdom, dashed throughout my silver hair.

I don’t have scars, I have symbols of the strength I was able to find, when life got tough.

I don’t have stretch marks, I have the marks of growth and the marks of motherhood. My womanly evolution.

I am not fat, I bear the evidence of a life filled with abundance, blessings and good times.

I am not just forgetful, I have a mind so full of stories, memories and moments there is scarce room to hold much else.

I am not old, I am blessed, with a life of great length, something not everyone can say.

Don’t change the way you look my friend, change the way you see.

Credit: Donna Ashworth

NEVER TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

 

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this.)

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

Never take life too seriously :-)

SPRING SNOW DRIVE

Spring snow is a given in WA State.

Every year.

Every Spring ... just as the tulips and daffodils are breaking soil ;-)

We didn't get more than a dusting of snow (and it was gone quickly), but it was cold here on the lowlands.

So, before Mother Nature dumps more snow on us over the weekend, I went for a loop drive: up Spirit Lake Highway, cut over to Toledo on the crossover road; and came home via Barnes Drive and Columbia Heights - down Lone Fir and along Old Pacific Highway before touching down at home again.

Holland wasn't feeling well, so he stayed home :-(

I grabbed a flavored coffee from Mr. Bill's Espresso, and was off.

The truck in front of me was obviously from a higher elevation location.

Spirit Lake was high, but there was no flooding.

The crossover road is just ahead ...

I noticed on an earlier road sign that Coldwater Lake was posted, 'CLOSED'. The crossover road is left of this road sign.

This end of the crossover road is snowless; Spirit Lake Highway. I had expected to see more snow in this area.

Snow patches as I got closer to Toledo.

Roxette - 'She's Got The Look' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YWvH81QFWU)

An interesting way to 'fence in' your country property ...

Toutle had sparce snow - Toledo crossover was snowier.

Barnes Drive; Castle Rock.

Columbia Heights was the worst road the entire drive.

The loop drive was about 3-1/2 hours long, but it was relaxing.

A DNR ORDER IS NOT {EUTHANASIA}

A DNR (do not resuscitate) order is NOT {euthanasia}.

While it is WRONG for hospital staff to demand - and implicate - a DNR Order without familial consent ... a DNR is NOT euthanasia IF a DNR Order is what the person wants.

My husband Bob made his DNR Order very clear while in both PeaceHealth locally, and on his way to OHSU. I stood by HIS DECISION. Bob was a Christian; I AM a Christian ... in NO WAY did we ever feel Bob "was being killed". Bob was dying without the DNR, we all knew it. Bob knew, I knew, and the doctors tending to him KNEW that he was dying; nothing could be done to change that short of Elohim's intervention. Elohim wanted Bob Home - Bob went, and I learned from September to December 2018, to let him go.

I also have a standing DNR in place. Holland is not okay with that ... BUT HE WILL HONOR it when the time comes that it is apparent my body is seriously shutting down, reducing quality of life, in which case medical intervention is moot. When the time comes that I am seriously staring death in the face, either Elohim will heal me, or I will be going home ... but I will not consent to being a medical guinea pig.

A DNR (do not resuscitate) order is NOT {euthanasia}.

Article: Canadian Man Claims Hospital Forced Euthanasia For His Wife: https://www.liveaction.org/news/husband-canadian-hospital-pressured-euthanize-wife/?fbclid=IwAR3YTpaLn-s-ZhiYIZV346C6Xt_itCBe4_L8Ql3HCllj0QMGoMDJEut3Y5s

FEBRUARY DAYS MEN ARE ALWAYS RIGHT

 

MY SWAN-MAN

Tom Jones - 'You're My World' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gla6bkc2Spk)

We woke up to snowflakes falling this morning, so we found some in-house things to do.

Holland checked his emails, and I was going through some of last year's widow journey files, when I came across an October'22 File that should have clued me into Holland's arrival on my life change radar ...

A.M. dream - I mistook Elohim's meaning ...

My rough drawing of what Elohim showed me.

The intent was accurate - my interpretation was not; I attributed the dream to missing Bob, instead of realizing it was Elohim's way of showing me it was time to move on and accept His Plan for this new chapter of my new life.

My January 2022 'Redeeming the Time' Post: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2022/02/shabbat-reflection-redeeming-time.html

The Ocober'22 Swan Dream was like Elohim was giving me hope that things will get better.

I'm glad I finally accepted the dream's full intent :-)

At the time of the swan dream, I had been attending Oak Point community church for an entire year at that time, studiously avoiding Holland's obvious flirtations: I wasn't ready to engage in romantic interludes. Plus, Holland was a Board member ... and the Board (jeanne paulson and luroy douglas, spearheaded the outright hatred towards me) had very specifically let me know I was unwelcome, and was very voiciferously making it known they wanted me gone. I did not know that Holland had gone to bat for me at every board meeting - I did not know because I was avoiding romantic entanglements. I was, in effect, putting Elohim's Plan on hold by keeping Holland at arm's length.

I was still dealing with widowhood adjustments.

I was also - through no fault of my own - dealing with naked hatred aimed at me by a greedy man fixated on money issues, and a bitter old harpy fixated on demeaning me in any way she could, because she could.

I was clueless - due to everything going down, as well as my self-imposed ignorance - that Holland was the swan Elohim had shown me in my dream.

But Holland wasn't clueless.

Tom Jones - 'There's Something 'Bout You Baby I Like' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZfA0okHVOo)

And he was letting me know, without actually verbalizing what I should have been paying attention to ;-)

My swan-man was getting bold; I was taking too long in noticing his courtship maneuvers ;-)

Tom Jones - 'Help Yourself' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMz_JSU8TxI)

Holland in 1989; my swan-man has told me that Elohim gave him a vision of me at this time - there was also a prophetic word given ... with a witness, that confirms the vision.

Dan Seals - 'Saw You In My Dreams' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFnRKShLghE)

Holland's {swan song} text; this was a complication risk that reaped lifelong blessings.

Bread - 'Baby, I'm A-Want You' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYG1VsWSZl4)

Bellamy Brothers - 'More Of You' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvMXBeF9f2c)

This morning, my swan-man and I talked things over.

Marrying a widow is not for the weak hearted man. Holland has weathered a lot of insensitive talk. My younger brother actually posted on his FB Page - after someone (pretty sure it was that miserable old harpy from Oak Point) sent him a picture of Holland and I announcing our marriage: {Well, I'll be a...My older sister remarried. Good on her and very, very good on him. Congratulations, Sis and whoever. (Not like I'll ever meet him...sis and I have been estranged for going on 50 yrs. But I wish her, nor him, any ill will, but he's got a mark to reach to beat Bobby Hargand (but anybody would). Anyway, good on them both.} 

Holland took this crappy posting better than mw. I saw red: 98% of Sam's post was unadulterated bullshit, posted to gather sympathy for himself (1) I love Holland, else I would not have married him (2) Sam didn't even know Bob - I think they only said 'hi' to each a handful of times during our entire marriage (3) my siblings cut themselves out of my life ... and I told Sam about Bob's passing myself following Bob's physical death; and invited him to Bob's Celebration of Life, along with my other siblings. NO ONE RESPONED OR BOTHERED TO COME. Any 'estrangement' is on them (4) Holland is confident in my love for him; he is not in competition with Bob, who now resides in Heaven! That's just crazy talk - and it's disrespectful to me, as well as very hurtful to a man my brother has never met. Bob was ... Holland is. I love Holland for who he is; there is no comparison.

When I run into friends or get calls from them; and I tell them I've remarried, they are surprised and will usually say, "Wow. Congratulations." Then they follow that up with, "I just can't imagine you with anyone but Bob." (((HELLO PEOPLE!))) Holland is standing within hearing distance of that remark ... the insensitive remark didn't need to be verbalized.

Marrying a man who has been a bachelor for decades is not for the weak hearted woman. Thankfully, I've always been an independent woman who doesn't need a man to boost my personhood: I get along quite well solo lobo. If a man is in my life on a steady basis, he's in it because I want to share all of my life with him - not because my life is meaningless without him. I choose to make a place for him in my life. Just sayin.

I've only opened my life to 2 men: Bob and Holland ~ both are my swan-men in their own right; each fitting my life completely, in two totally different scenarios. I loved Bob while he walked this Earth with me for 44 years. I love Holland as equally deep - and I will walk this Earth beside him, for the rest of whatever timeframe of life Elohim grants us.

Tom Jones & Dusty Springfield - 'You Got What It Takes' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rb0gzExYdPM)

The Every Brothers - 'Let It Be Me' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnJQf1B-OUk)

A true blessing. Just for me :-)

Tom Jones - 'Love Machine' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EcSiZM9nis)

Holland recently got his hair cut; I miss his curls. The good-looking boy is still visible in my handsome man :-)

We've only been married 46 days.

Adjustments take time.

Thankfully we are both retired and can make the most of our days; we have the time to sort things out; and talk them out. We don't want anything to come between us - we are still honeymooners. I've apologized for my family and friends' insensitivity ... and Holland has apologized for the recent Oak Point snafu: he understands now why I was so upset.

Change only comes to a person from the inside out; true, substantial, lasting change must come from a person's own heart, not from external pressure.

Elohim is working in our life for the betterment of our life, and we are taking a step back from life's snafu's.

And, as an added bonus ... we are engaging in a particular retirement activity that brightens the day and chases away any gray clouds that threaten to mar our happy place :-)

Starland Vocal Band - 'Afternoon Delight' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wu1UXCdyNo0)

I was reading my cousin's FB Page this morning, when I saw a pattern for these cute crochet sloths. I started laughing, and said, "These are perfect for a retired couple statement; I'm going to make a pair" :-)

I love my swan-man.

Friday looks like a good day to drive to the beach; Holland likes the beach, and a beach day would be good for him. He spoils me - Friday will be a day to lavish a little spoiling on him, too ;-)