My life has changed so much since December 2018. I remarried January 7th, 2023 ... we sold the house, sold our vehicles - and bought a new 4x, a puppy, & a 5th Wheel to travel the mainland States and experience life in the slow lane. As always I record e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. happening in my life: I will share lots of pics & vids of our USA travels: I hope you enjoy our Blog.
I snuggled up for a fun read before bed, and the
book brought to mind the last trip Bob & I did up the Gorge, in January of
2018 – the last year of Bob’s life this side of Heaven.
Glenwood Res Dino Landscape. Washington Gorge
2 hr. 26 mins straight driving.
Mount Adams seen from the Glenwood turnoff.
Glenwood Res Dino Landscape. Washington Gorge
My pretty girl, Precious: she was 1/2 Timber Wolf & 1/2 Gray Wolf: Bob fell in love with her too. Our granddaughter, Alyna, named her when we brought her home after she was weaned. When we were in the back country, we let her run free; but in town, we had to have a prong collar on her per Law, because she was "an exotic animal" and people got a little freaked until they got to know her. She was very peaceful and calm - she lived in-house with us, and slept in our bedroom.
Glenwood Res Dino Landscape. Washington Gorge
Glenwood Res Dino Landscape. Washington Gorge
Mount Adams is on Reservation land, so permits
are required to visit it. All access roads are blocked.
Yakima Indian Reservation Land
Heading back towards home via
Goldendale-Klickitat Junction, up the Gorge; we’d make the loop before heading back home. About a 5 hour straight drive … all day when making scenic stops. We usually took Klickitat Junction, because it's 2 hours quicker - for a special treat, Bob would sometimes go all the way to Goldendale, which made the daytrip extra loooong.
Mount Adams is one of 4 major volcanic monuments in our State.
Glenwood Dino Landscape. Washington Gorge
It really is a very primitive & ruggedly beautiful landscape
there. I used to have pictures of the area, but when my old laptop died … the pictures went
with it. There was an upper road viewing pullout along the road, and I used to call the
landscape seen from there, “our own Grand Canyon in the Gorge”. There was a rock formation seen from this view that resembled a howling wolf. Very cool.
Seeing the landscape from above was awesome, but
being on the valley floor among those towering volcanic spires and basalt pillars
was magical ;-)
Still moving into my new life with confidence and
zest – but I am also a realist.
Everything is on the table … wisdom is knowing
what to pick up and run with; and what to punt.
I’m praying for wisdom.
E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. changed 399 days
ago.
Nothing will ever be the same again.
I’m still trying to balance letting
go and moving forward.
And for this I have been judged on 2 FB Widow’s
Groups.
WTH???
Judgments came from so-called-christians. I
wonder what they will do when their glass houses break wide open.
Widows should not be judging other widow’s journeys – we are all different with different lives.
I am on my way ... and everything is on the table: whatever Elohim sends my way, I'm accepting. He has never led me astray yet. People ... yes: Elohim - never.
Churchy folk seem to have more compassion for those fractured families outside the Body than they do those IN fellowship. It’s crazy.
I want satisfaction again. There will never be another Bob - but, I believe there can be a sense of satisfaction again; not in the same sense, of course. But I do believe I can be happy again. Somehow.
Elohei is my husband now: “For your Maker is your husband – the Lord Almighty is His Name”. Isaiah 54:5
NO ONE - including our kids -
gets to sit in judgement on my life: past, present, or future. In the past,
both kids were waaaaay out of line with demands, accusations, and judgments;
perhaps that is why they are pissed: they could never control me. That's their
problem. I answer only to Elohim, myself, and to Bob when he was here in the
flesh, because I loved him. Period.
“Are we beginning to recommend
ourselves again? Do we need letters of recommendation to you, or from you? You
are our letter. The writing is in your heart, read and understood by everyone.
It is plain that you are a letter from Mashiach (Christ), because of our work,
written not with ink, but with The Ruach of the Living God, and not on stone
tablets, but on tablets of human hearts. We have such a confidence in Elohei
through Mashiach. It is not that we are competent of ourselves to think that we
ourselves can do anything good. No, our competency comes from Elohei. He has
made us competent to serve as ministers of the New Covenant. It is a covenant,
not of the letter (aka: of the Law), but of The Ruach (aka: the Holy Spirit);
for the letter kills – but the Spirit gives life.
The Law, engraved on
stone, served to bring death penalties, yet it came with such splendor that the
children of Israel could not look on the face of Moshe (Moses) because of its
brightness, a glory that soon faded away. Why should not the service rendered
by the Spirit have a much greater glory? For if the service of the Law,
resulting in condemnation, had its glory, how much greater and more glorious is
the service of The Ruach, causing justification? Truly, in this respect, that
which once had been considered glorious no longer seems to be glorious, because
of the new glory that surpasses it. For if what has been annulled came in
glory, how much more glorious is the present Plan, which is to remain!
And because we have
such a hope we speak with much boldness. We are not like Moshe, who covered his
face with a veil, which prevented the Israelites from gazing at the end of
something that was to fade. Their minds were hardened, so that to this day,
whenever the Old Covenant is being read, the same veil is still there, still
unlifted, for only through Mashiach can it be taken away. Yes, it is true that
to this day, whenever Moshe is read, that veil lies over their hearts. But if
one turns to Adonai (the Lord) the veil is removed. Now Adonai is The Ruach,
and where The Ruach of Adonai is, there is freedom. And then with unveiled
faces we can behold, as in a mirror, the glory of Adonai Yeshua. And we become
changed into His likeness, from glory to glory, through The Ruach of Adonai
Yeshua Ha’Mashiach working in us.”
Bob also called me his “Lady” – that always made
me laugh because I am about as far from a ‘lady’ as anyone can be; I didn’t mind
him calling me “honey” though: I can be sweet at times ;-)
Before Bob, I didn’t cotton much to sweet-talk. I came of age in the 1970’s, when women’s lib was on big-time, and I was a very liberated teenager: I shunned anything that made females less than – and that included cutsie phrases that labeled them as the weaker sex: “lady, honey, sweetie, sugar, luvee, kitten, mama, woman”, ect.; I was firm in guys using my Name when they addressed me. But when Bob called me “Honey”, somehow it soothed me – it didn’t rankle like when other fellas called me honey.
Bob loved me, maybe that was the reason.
While the weather is keeping me indoors with a box of Kleenex at my fingertips, I have a lot of time to reflect on this time, last year – and view fast forward at how far I have managed to come in reaching this time, this year.
This time last year, I was 33 days into widowhood. I had no $$$ of my own – ALL income ended when Bob’s breathing this side of Heaven, ended; if it were not for good and faithful friends who loved me and quickly rallied the wagons about me, I would have gone under … in every regard: but, they loved me back to life, and supported me financially until the Social Security Admins pulled their heads out of their asses and started behaving like decent human beings.
On this day, last year, the Social Security Administration did start behaving like decent human beings: to stay ahead of overwhelming grief, I had forced myself to get out of the house, and gone to Keenager’s Senior Meet & Greet; checking the mail on my way home – I got a notification letter from Social Security Administration informing me that they had Bob’s December payment pending that had not been sent out following his death, and that I had a right to claim it. The hitch was that I only had 2 days in which to make the claim. 2 days! So, I rushed downtown to the local Social Security Office and managed to finagle an extension on the claim since my Birth Certificate was acceptable, and they already had Bob’s Death Certificate on file. All they needed was a certified copy of our Marriage License … which I was able to acquire speedily since Cathlamet is only an hour drive ‘round trip. That snafu righted, the rightful monies that Bob secured for me since Day 1 of our marriage, finally came to me, and carried me through until a steady income began in March of 2019.
Alex did help some financially too, and he was paid back asap – in fact, he was the first one I repaid because I was on to his {help} from the get-go: Alex never helps anyone unless he thinks it is beneficial to him. And by April he was letting me know that he had helped me and it would be helpful to him if he could move into my home. NO! Absolutely not! He had lived with us twice before when he was in dire straits, and it always ended badly. There was NO WAY I was going to allow him to take over my home and start running my life now that Bob is no longer here to make his son behave :-( Alex had, for 44 years, always tried putting me “in place” and placing his father in a difficult position every time he wanted to visit – at one point, blankly stating, “I want to come and visit you dad, but I don’t want Val to be in the house when I come” … to which demand, Bob replied, “This is Val’s House, Alex – she is my wife, I am not going to ask her to leave it so you can come visit. If you want to visit me, I welcome that; but I’m not going to ask Val to leave the house.” Alex didn’t come visit – his demand wasn’t catered to, so he stayed away. There was no real reason for his demand – other than he was, and will always be, a bona fide brat; he just wanted to try to drive a wedge between us and generally make our lives miserable. I can count on 1 hand all the times Alex deemed to visit his father after he turned 18 and the child support payments ended. So, when Alex again reminded me of “his help after Dad died”, and threw me a pack of lies about his father, backed with an ultimatum when I refused to let him move in with me, in July … I let him walk. After 44 years of continual trauma drama from that 50 year old brat, I am finally enjoying some peace: I don’t miss dodging the poisoned darts.
Our daughter, Stacey, has never helped me. At any point in life. She is stuck on herself and incapable of empathy, compassion, or love – in any way, shape, or form – when it comes to me, her mother. Her anger angst started when she was 9 years old, and has snowballed over the years until it has become a beast out of control that has destroyed her life. I won’t allow her anger to destroy me also. So, when she went on the attack again in November 2019 and gave me a pack of lies, with an ultimatum … similar to what Alex gave me in July … I let her walk too – she is a taker, not a giver. I am finally enjoying some peace: I don’t miss dodging the poisoned darts. I can't count on the kids for anything, except a heaping dose of misery.
I don’t know who the hell those 2 think they are, but they are not going to run rough-shod over me anymore. I allowed it when their father was alive because family members – even shitty family members – was important to Bob; but it isn’t that important to me. I don’t need the aggravation on top of dealing with widowhood adjustments. Do I miss my daughter? YES! Do I miss her attitude? No. Not at all. Do I miss our grandchildren? Absolutely. But, with the exception of my 5 year old grandson, they are all adults (29, 25, 23, 5) and know my phone number and house address. If they ever get brave enough to buck their parents and want to call or visit me, I welcome that.
I chased after everyone when Bob was still here, because family was important to Bob. But, Bob is no longer here – and his children have made it very apparent to me that family does not hold the same importance to them; unless their demands are met. I refuse to kowtow to them. And I can withstand their mexican standoffs. I am restructuring and rebuilding my life: they can grow up and be part of that … or they can sulk in a corner and cry out to everyone who passes how mistreated they are: the choice is theirs.
The same can be said for Bob’s siblings, and my
siblings: if they want to be in my life … they will make an effort to be IN my
life; on the other hand, there are definitely 3 who I never want to see – or
hear – again: Rose (Bob’s mother), Ralph (Bob’s brother), and Ramona (my
sister) – I have forgiven them, but I have not forgotten how they treated us …
specifically, Bob - how Rose and Ralph spoke of Bob after he was dead is inexcusable. The rest are welcome if they want to be welcomed. But,
I am not chasing after anyone, anymore. Those days are past.
I am moving forward with my husband’s voice instilling confidence in me every step of the way. On his death bed, Bob held my hand, and said, “I have faith in you, Honey; we both know that whatever you set your mind to doing, is as good as done.”
My choice is to move forward. That is what Bob wanted for me. Bob had faith in me that I would accomplish that … I intend to. Moving forward would be very difficult if not for friends along the way. Good, faithful and loyal friends: Cheryl, Mike, Kerry, Pam; these old friends have stuck every week/every month throughout 2019 – visiting, helping me get things done around the house that require a man’s thinking/brute strength … getting me out of the house and out of my head every month; my new friends at Keenager’s; these friends ‘adopted’ me in my early widowhood and have stuck also … I am thankful, and blessed beyond measure. In December 2019, I joined two Senior Citizen Centers; I am making new friends in these places also – which is shocking to me since I have never been comfortable in social gatherings. But Elohim has been faithful to place people in my life that mean me good and not harm: Elohim’s grace is sufficient for me ;-)
Sitting here today, in Bob’s recliner, I can see in my mind’s eye – Bob smiling that sexy smile meant only for me, and saying softly, “I’ve seen everything you’ve had to wade through and overcome. I’m proud of you. You’ve come a long way Honey”. If he were still here, in the flesh, he’d be reaching for my hand and giving it a squeeze of encouragement.
And thinking of that makes me smile broadly.
Even when he’s not here in the flesh, my King Bee can still fire my jets :-D
What a roller
coaster ride this year has been. Reflecting on posts from this time last year,
I am thankful that though I was suddenly alone and cast adrift on this
widowhood journey, Elohim never left me alone.
His grace was …
and still is … sufficient for me.
By His strength I am
upheld, supported, prospered, and sanctified. When I am at my weakest point, He
lifts me up and places me in the safety of The Rock (Isaiah 28:16
& Romans 9:33), where life’s tempests swirl and howl around me; but
cannot touch me. When sudden, unexpected emotions overwhelm me and my knees
buckle with the onslaught, He comes alongside me and lends His shoulder for me
to lean against as we walk together through the turmoil (Isaiah
41:10-11). And I hear Him whisper gently as He hugs me tight against
His supportive shoulder, “It’s okay Val: I have everything under control. You
just lean on Me; everything will work out. You’ll see. In these days of
uncertainty and economic crisis, don’t worry about tomorrow; I will meet all
your needs according to My riches in glory: I am well able to do immeasurably
more than you can ask or even imagine.” (Matthew 6:25-34, John
14:27, Hebrews 13:5)
What a blessing!
What promises!
What wonderful
expectations to look forward to.
I am a Daughter of the
Most High God, a joint-heir justified in Yeshua, and can rightly expect the
fulfillment of these promises (Hebrews 2:1, Hebrews 12:14, 1
Corinthians 6:11, & Ephesians 1:13).
When I stay in Him, He
stays in me (1 Chronicles 16:11, 1 John 1:9, 1 John 3:9 & 1
Thessalonians 5:23).
When I find myself harassed
by life’s stressors and seek His strength, and seek His presence continually; I
find Him immediately beside me, comforting me and rejoicing over me with
gladness as he quiets my soul, exulting over me with joyous singing (Zephaniah
3:17). I have in the past, clearly heard that singing … and it is
beautiful and comforting.
Since my husband
stepped off this planet, I have weathered many of life’s storms as I came to
terms with my husband’s physical death; financial upheaval; the total loss of
family as siblings/in-laws/and children abandoned me (all documented in my
2019 Blog posts)– but, Yeshua remained my constant and faithful 24/hr.
companion.
I didn’t even know
how to pray:ME! A Prayer Warriorcouldn’t
dredge up more than a pitiful ‘Help me, Yeshua! Please!’ plea during those first
6 tumultuous months. I would walk through my days like a zombie and fall into
bed every night wondering what I actually did during the day besides cry. I
would lay there, in the dark, ignoring the empty spot next to me where my
husband had lay for our 44 years together. I would lay there, staring at the
ceiling with tears running down the sides of my face, wetting my pillow, and
silently cry, “Help me, Yeshua! Please. Help me!”
And He did.
Yeshua sent familiar
comforters to me: Bob’s younger brother, Kerry to help me … and to help me learn
how to do man-things on my own. Yeshua sent Mike and Cheryl, and Pam, to me. Cheryl
called every day for those first widowhood weeks; she still calls weekly. Mike and
Cheryl came by frequently – and later, when I was able, asked me to join them
just as frequently when they were out and about: Mike’s help – and explaining
to me – in man-things that needed doing, was invaluable. About this time,
last year, Pam also started coming with Cheryl when she came to visit me. They
all helped me in ways that words simply cannot express. And I found out
recently that they were ALL dealing with personal hardships of their own too:
though not as hard as the loss of a spouse, it is still very hard to go through.
I am grateful for the time they took to love me back to the land of the functionally
living: and I hope and pray I can be as worthy a friend to them.
Enjoying a bowl of frozen
blueberries, I picked with Mike and Cheryl this summer. I could hear bees all
around me – large colonies – but never got stung once. Good thing too, as I didn’t
have an EpiPen. Elohim was faithful to keep me safe. "Oh, taste and see that The Lord is good".
Keenager’s, a weekly
Senior Meet-n-Greet that Bob & I enjoyed … and I now attend alone; is also
a familiar comfort to me; I have been adopted by a group of 5 friends who have opened their arms of friendship to me. I am blessed. And I since December of 2019, have joined 2 local Senior
Centers to engage in periodic activities there.
I still have moments
– and I am sure I will always struggle with Bob’s absence in my life, but I am
stronger today that I was this day last year … and every day I get a little
stronger. In my human weakness, His grace is sufficient for
me.
Today,
as I look forward to what 2020 will bring into my new life, I look back at the
adventures I shared with Bob, and hold them in my memories where they will forever
remain as I look forward to new adventures: the things Bob and I
enjoyed together is no longer safe or prudent for me to do as a solo lobo;
things like taking mini vacas at the
spur-of-the-moment; shoestring local vacas, but a blast just the same ;-) We
enjoyed time in the different mountains in both Washington and Oregon: we had,
throughout the years, hit ALL of them before Bob left earth :-D We
enjoyed nature and enjoyed it weekly; and counted the money spent on those
weekly and often overnight jaunts to far-flung places in the 2 states to be
worth the cost; sometimes we revisited special places again and again. Bob
liked surprising me with impromptu trips too - like the time he couldn't wait
for me to wake up and whisk me off to Mount Baker and make a leisurely trip
back home via Leavenworth: we dragged the trip out for a week; what a trip! What
a thoughtful and loving man. We drove across America to Vermont; I had
always wanted to make the drive across America and Bob had never been west of
the Rockies: another memorable experience. And we, and our granddaughter with
us, went to Vegas to see our newborn grandson when he joined our family 5 years
ago, and came back home along the pioneer trail his ancestors had traveled
during their pioneer days (what fun!) before settling in Eden Valley, which is
also the final resting place for Bob's cremains in the family cemetery. All
those things I wanted only to do with Bob; it would not be the same –
nor would it be safe at all – doing them alone.
My
new adventures won’t be quite as adventurous now that my adventuring partner is
no longer here, but there are still things I can do fairly local and
financially doable – and those things are what I will be doing ;-)
It is enough.
Elohim has been very good to me – giving me the strength and power
to get up, over, under, around, and through the hurdles thrown across my path
throughout 2019; and I am content that His grace is sufficient for me.
Tonight’s sunset seen from where I
sat in Bob’s recliner. The skyscape changed significantly as the clouds moved
across the sky before total darkness fell.
Roast Chicken w-Rosemary Butter, Stir-fry Onion &
Zucchini and Sweet Potato Tzimmes; ready to go to the freezer ...
I woke up this morning to snowflakes dancing past my eyes:
The snow show was over around 10:30 a.m., the snowflakes melted as they fell into the rainwater that fell all week long; and the sun was out in force at noon.
I was listening to 1960's Garage Bands and dancing around the kitchen – kicking my heels up between stove and kitchen island, cooking Roast Chicken, and Steak in Foil in the oven; and Beef Stew, and Chicken Stock on the stove top.
The Roast Chicken w-Rosemary Butter & Stir-fry Onions & Zucchini recipes come from my recipe box: I’m not sure when I clipped and filed them.
ROAST CHICKEN w-ROSEMARY BUTTER~ 2 servings
1 small Garlic clove, minced * 3 Tablespoons unsalted Butter, room temperature * Juice 1 Lemon * 2 Tablespoons fresh Rosemary or 2 teaspoons dried leaves, crumbled * ¼ teaspoon Salt * 1/8 teaspoon freshly ground Pepper * 1 2-1/2 or 3 pound Fryer Chicken, rinsed and patted dry * 1/2 Lemon * Paprika * 1/2 cup Water
Preheat oven to 450-degrees.
Combine garlic, butter, lemon juice, rosemary, salt & pepper and mix well:
Stuff mixture under skin of chicken in breast and thigh areas. Rub skin with cut lemon and sprinkle with paprika.
I only made half the recipe since
I am only cooking for me, and I cut my chicken into pieces before baking; holding the stuffed skin to the meat with toothpicks.
Add water to pan and roast chicken 15 minutes. Reduce oven to 375-degrees and continue roasting until chicken is done (allow 20 minutes per pound). Cut into quarters using poultry shears.
STIR-FRY ONIONS & ZUCCHINI ~ 2 servings
3 to 4 Tablespoons Olive Oil * 1 large Onion, quartered * 2 small Zucchini, sliced * 1 garlic Clove, minced * 2-1/2 Tablespoons fresh Basil or 1-1/2 teaspoons dried leaves, crumbled * 1/4 fresh Thyme or generous pinch * Salt & freshly ground Pepper
Heat oil in wok or large skillet over high heat. Add onion and stir-fry until onion softens slightly, about 2 minutes. Add zucchini, garlic and herbs and stir-fry another 2 minutes. If not serving immediately, reheat by stir-frying over high heat about 3 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.
**********
I sure miss cooking for my husband.
And I miss looking across the room and seeing his handsome face.
I fell in love with his face in 1966, before I even knew his name.
Bob’s Senior Year Book Picture
& Our Wedding Night Picture
I met him face-to-face in 1974 … and learned his name: he took my heart, and I took his Name 4 months later; he had my heart from the moment he walked past me and I glanced into his face at the school corner in 1966.
What a face :-D
From the first glance to the last … I never got tired of looking at it.
