REDUNDANCY

A lot of what I post since becoming a solo lobo sojourner through life sounds pretty redundant. And it IS. That is the litany of Widowhood.

All we have left of the love/life we had before our new life is memories: memories ARE redundant. We repeat ourselves A LOT because (1) we never want to forget our spouse, and verbal repetition keeps them alive – to us … to others (2) hearing what we say out loud HELPS US FOCUS; our spouse is no longer with us as a balancing sounding board – and the kids and grandkids have made themselves scarce (3) friends are far and few between … and most of them are still physically coupled – their lives have not been severely altered. Comprehension of widowhood is fuzzy and uncomfortable for family & friends to contemplate.

So, to save our sanity we solo lobos are often redundant.

To successfully forge ahead and not get lost in sorrow … we occasionally revisit our old life to strengthen our courage: we lapse into redundancy, and a lengthy discourse of our spouse’s virtues, strengths, and character. This is how we shore up the emotional bulwark we need, to victoriously walk through this new life of ours.

  

 

I love you, Babe.

Always ~ OX

LAKEFRONT APPOINTMENT

Today was a busy day … which was a good thing because it rained all day long – and the business kept the drowsiness at bay ;-)

Dave stopped in early this morning for a visit: and we visited for about 4 hours – just shooting the breeze, talking about his globe-trotting adventures/our families/our kids/the past/remembrances of Bob/the present/ and hopes for manana :-D

I laughed a LOT.

The laughter kept my mind off the doctor's appointment.

It is GOOD to spend time with friends.

After, Dave left, I hopped in the car and ran across town to make my a 2:10 PM appointment with Dr. Landry at Lakefront Clinic. I loathe doctors, clinics, and hospitals; but I made the appointment because I can’t get a relief asthma inhaler without a personal physician’s okay to receive one. Dr. Landry and I are familiar with each other – Peace Health Hospital assigned her to Bob’s case in November of 2018. Even though we know each other, I was still nervous meeting with her today.

For lots of reasons.

Walking through the Clinic doors brought back a lot of memories I’d rather not be faced with in the moment – and age specific questioning that humored me; and irked me at the same time:

Geriatric Query Sheet. Looking at that sheet of geriatric questions, I refused to cave into to age discrimination; I left it all blank.

I was put in the same room Bob had been in when doctors were trying to figure out why he was dying … and I did cry, thinking about the last time I was in that room.

Thankfully, Dr. Landry came in after the short vid was shot; and I got an easy In-Out visit.

THANK YOU, YESHUA!

She got into the Hospital Data Bank and asked a few quick questions – did I want reminders concerning mammograms? NO Colonoscopies? NO Blood testing? NO Fu Shot? NO: I told her, “I’m basically here because I need a relief inhaler and this is the only way I can obtain one; I don’t do drugs – anything that can’t be got from Country Village, I avoid.” So, she said, “I’ll just delete all these things from the data bank then, and you won’t get pestered with reminders.” We both laughed – and I thanked her. She did a quick physical check – and asked if I saw a holistic physician, and I said, “No; I know what is wrong with me, and I pay attention to my body vibes. If something needs attention, I treat it organically. If I can’t figure it out, then I will come here, and you can help me treat it with organic measures.”

She agreed. She said all my vital stats were perfect. I told her that I don’t use the relief inhaler all the time, and that I’d like to get off it completely because it makes me feel like I am tripping on speed tablets (she didn’t inquire – and I didn’t explain), and she asked me if I have always had asthma, and how I am dealing with my asthma now. I told her that I have always been short of breath and that I never used an inhaler until we started living in Longview: my asthma attacks are triggered by the poor air quality here – she nodded in agreement; and asked how I am managing my asthma. So, I told her that I am careful to monitor my immediate surroundings and take measures to make sure I remove as many toxins as I can … anything that will hurt my lungs; stay indoors when the air quality is dangerous; eat foods/use herbs that are healing food stuffs to my lungs; and I cut stressors out of my life as much as I possibly can, including family members that live to stress me out. She was nodding her head, and said I was doing what needed to be done, then she called in a prescription for a relief inhaler (to be replaced x3) to the Wal*Mart Pharmacy on Ocean Beach. When I mentioned the anaphylaxis reaction, that I have to bee stings (wasp, hornet, and yellow jacket too), she was concerned, and said, “You do self-pay, right? An EpiPen can run as high as $700. Buy some Benadryl and keep it on you – then call 911.” I thanked her. But I knew that if I suffered another anaphylaxis reaction, there would be NO WAY I could swallow a Benadryl – my throat swelled up so fast the last time that all I had time to do was run into the house and show Bob my grotesquely swollen face and lips, and say, “I can feel my throat swelling: start praying H.A.R.D. Or I am going Home (Heaven) in a matter of minutes.” Then I mentally separated my thoughts from what was happening to my body/calmed down/and relaxed. The swelling eventually went down and here I am: alive, still ;-) But, I have been told that if the same thing happens again, I probably won’t survive without an EpiPen.

I’m not going to spend my life freaking out about death.

What will happen … will happen.

I am 63 years old; I have lost everything that ever meant anything to me. I am okay with whatever direction Elohim decides to take my life: either I will continue to live here on Earth – or, I will meet Bob beyond the clouds.

I am okay with either.

Dr. Landry had pulled up whatever medical notes Peace health had in their Hospital Data Bank, and knew exactly what meds I am deathly allergic to (penicillin and sulfas: will send me into heart-attack mode in a heart beat)/that I am dangerously anemic/and that I am lactose intolerant; so it stands to reason that when she ran my Hargand Name through the records, she also knows how I stand on the DNR issue. I didn’t have to mention it. And I carry my wishes about that in my purse at all times - just in case I ever find myself being asked about that by an Emergency Team.

There was no public showdown; and no harassment about future follow-through & follow-up appointments ;-)

I got to Wal*Mart and asked for my inhaler … and was told they hadn’t received the prescription; so, there was no pickup. I’ll check again tomorrow.

AIMLESS & MISGUIDED SNOWFLAKE WARS

The electrifying 2020 fireworks just keeps putting on displays.

I used to like fireworks.

I used to like rainbows.

I used to like snowflakes. I am a snowbaby.

But recently I read a post from an angry snowflake I used to know, that makes me cry for the little girl she used to be before she became society's child.

In the flesh I am stepping back from all that spiritual hostility coming at me; born of perversion and enacted with hatred. I have been pulled into her spiritual angst for 35 years – I’m tired of being pulled back into the fight with luring “I love you’s” that mean nothing but more pain coming down the turnpike. The I love you’s have become meaningless.

And I will never consider snowflakes a soothing thing of beauty again.

Just like the rainbow; the snowflake, has now become a political tool used in the hands of the unscrupulous obamanite lemmings to try to bludgeon those they oppose into submission.

I miss the girl she used to be.

I will always miss her.

But I will not fight with her disembodied identity anymore; I refuse to be 'triggered'.

I am stepping back from all that hostility coming from the dumbass sector of society.

I find it amusing … and ironically laughable … that the demoncrat mascot is a braying Ass – and the snowflakes are too stupidly snowblinded to comprehend.

I do not want endless looping self-indulgent angst aimed at me anymore.

From anyone.

I do not make place for it in my life anymore.

From anyone.

The demoncrat party is filled with a bunch of pussified pansies that don't know how to live without special political agendas to pamper their spoiled asses.

Rainbows and snowflakes used to be a thing of beauty.

Now they are just political icons for societal insanity.

My heart hurts.

But I cannot shed a single tear - With 2 declaratory posts, whatever there may have been to cry for ... has effectively been erased as though it never existed: e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. I wrapped my entire life around for 44 years no longer exists: no husband - no family - no daughter … NONE OF THESE THINGS EXIST ANYMORE.

My husband’s physical body died December 14^th, 2018.

Our children have consistently torpedoed our family – openly declaring war and actively engaging in hostile decimation tactics in July and November of 2019.

Our daughter has finally erased her entire being 22 hours ago: from the time she was 9 years old, all I ever heard was how much she hated me & hated her Name: she has legally changed her Name. In November of 2019, she made clear that her father was included in that hatred aimed at me – she attacked the memory of a man who can’t defend himself in her rush to draw blood from her verbal attack on me. December 16^th, she informed me she intends to live an androgynous life (no surprise to me), and 22 hours ago – on FB – she boldly went on the attack, with 2 posts aimed directly at me; though my name was not mentioned, it was clear from the posts contexts, to whom they were intended. She keeps asking me, "Why do you hate me?" I have never hated my daughter ... but she has always hated herself. So much so, that she has consistently pushed me away from her and out of her life. And now, lost in some "magical fantasy", she had recreated herself: there is, literally nothing of her left that is recognizable as the genuine person I gave birth to 45 years ago.

She claims she likes storms - but I don't think she can handle the storm coming her way.

Bob was a storm watcher: Bob could handle the storms in his life; he married one ;-)

I am a storm when push comes to shove.

Sometimes, when life got too comfortable, Bob would poke the storm in me, just to get an reaction, saying with a twinkle in his eye and a broad smile, "Com'on Babe - lighten up. Come here ... you'r so damned cute when you're mad."

I am fairly confident Stacey will not be able to withstand the storm she unleashed. Bob laughed in the face of a storm ... Stacey whines and goes on the attack.

It has been reported in the scientific field that "a Category 6 Hurricane does not exist": I AM THAT CATEGORY 6 HURRICANE; and she unleashed me to clean house.

Bob was a storm watcher, and could ride a storm out; Stacey bit off more than she can chew.

And they are massive ... I can match any level of testosterone: or gender-bender hatred - and then some.

When Bob and I spoke our last words to each other those last 12 hours before he could no longer communicate verbally, and I assured him that I would rebuild a new life; I had no idea that my old life would go so spectacularly up in flames ... and that our children would be the ones setting the fires that would destroy it all.

THANK GOD I am stronger than what has been hurled at me by those who said they love me.

Now I know where I stand with them – I always known, actually: but now they have boldly put it out there; moving it from private family angst to shrill public heralding.

I refuse to fight with them; their inner demons are not my battle to engage with. They are nothing but a storm in a tea cup ...

My world has been shaken, but I will never be destroyed.

They have thrown the gantlets down.

I accept the challenge.

Bob taught me a lot – when he was a logger, there were times he was called out to fight a fire during fire season: I learned that the sometimes the only way to kill a raging fire is to fight fire with fire …

And I WILL take back what Hell thinks to claim.

People really should never test me.

C.O.U.N.T.O.N.I.T.

Hell has met its match ... My family – EVERY MEMBER – belongs to Elohim. Hell has met its match: it's now "game on"

Ephesians 6:12: “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against power, against the rulers of the darkness of the world, against wickedness in high places.”

So.

To Whom it may concern (you should recognize the politically correct address) … because you have effectively booted me from your life, changed your name and now refuse your gender: while I did not {vote for Trump; therefore I am not ‘a Trumpster’} – I am glad he is our President, and is systematically undoing everything within his power to undo every illegal and perverse thing barak hussain obama forced on America and on The People. GO TRUMP! I am rising to the snide remark to {strap up your boot laces} and march into battle: and I am reasonably certain that the victory, already won, will be sustained. OORAH! And while I am a crack shot with firearms, I have left them behind in lieu of weapons so powerful and so accurate – victory is a cinch (Ephesians 6:1-18). There is no need to {grab the gun}. And the quip, {kiss the heterosexual spouse you pretend to enjoy} shows a lack of character on the part of the queer freakshow parade that parrots party line twaddle, but It doesn’t score a direct hit … sorry snowflake. I NEVER “pretend”; my life is always 100% REAL: I loved your father when I saw his face at 10 years old, I loved your father when I married him at 17, I loved your father for 44 years of a marriage that was 100% REAL, and I loved your father while I watched him dying: I love your father STILL with a TRUE love that is 100% REAL. I am sorry you feel the need to malign me and the relationship your father and I had in order to justify your weak cause to a political agenda going nowhere fast. I am sorry you are so miserable in your own life that you feel the need to spray your misery all over my life; but, I have survived stronger hatred – I will survive your hatred. And lastly, {white} is NOT A SKIN COLOR. Your pointless racist jab carries no pain at all. You say you want inner-peace and to live a peaceful life – IF that is true, then do yourself a favor: get off the Crazy Train, and step away from the Freak Show Parade. Practice what you preach: “If you can’t be kind … be quiet”.

Just sayin’.

I have been knocked down. But I am ALWAYS back on my feet before the count of 10. And when I get back up ... I come up fighting to win; I never go down again.

It seems surreal where my life has gone in 388 days since becoming a Widow.

But it is no surprise to me that I would be facing this.

It was no surprise to Bob that things would come to this.

It is no surprise no Elohim, Who, already had strategic players on the field.

And everything will be righted.

Because the victory has already been won; and I am on the Winner’s Team :-)

SUNDAY~FUNDAY 5

This morning my friends whisked me away for a Sunday~Funday :-D

So ... reviewing the video after posting, I noticed some white specks on my shirt and looked down on it to see what was on my shirt; thinking I may have to run and change it before my friends arrive.

NOTHING!

No specks on my shirt - don't know why they show up in the vid. Weird.

They arrived around 10:30 AM … and off we went.

Today was my 5^th Daytrip adventure on a Sunday (I did 4 f them last year as a Solo Lobo ;-)) …

Sunday Funday 1: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/07/sunday-funday.html

Sunday Funday 2: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/09/sunday-funday-2.html

Sunday Funday 3: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/09/sunday-funday-3.html

Sunday Funday 4: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/11/sunday-funday-4.html

… but today will be my first adventure this New Year with friends.

I had a GREAT time on my Sunday ~ Funday Adventure :-D

Some old friends.

A few new friends.

Remembering old times with Bob ... with the old friends.

Jumping into the fire and making new memories with the new friends.

Today will no doubt be repeated – maybe next time they will feel comfortable about me taking pictures to share ;-)

MAMMOGRAM DANGERS & BARLEY SOUP Recipe

The days are dark when I wake up … stay pretty dark throughout the day … and the street lights are back on around Supper time.

8 AM

Winter is here.

I made the Barley Soup a day ago, so this morning I decided to get it in the freezer. Also, I have eaten enough pickles in December to allow sufficient room in the pickle jar to place some hard-boiled eggs in the jar to pickle. So, this morning I boiled a few eggs. While they were cooking, I decided to de-ice the upright freezer too. Yes - most days I am like a squirrel in traffic:

The melted ice water, left to sit to room temperature, will water my houseplants ;-)

I finally got to the soup after lunch ;-) I portioned the Barley Soup into individual servings and froze the baggied portions; I also shelled the cooled hard-boiled eggs and put them in the pickle jar to pickle ...

Opening the mail, I was not happy to see that I am already being pestered with unwanted and unneeded medical harassment from Lakeshore Clinic – I have an appointment there Tuesday afternoon because I cannot get an asthma inhaler unless I have a ‘personal physician’. If harassment continues, I may have to forgo the inhaler and wing my asthma condition as I have been doing.  I do not WANT a mammogram: I do NOT need a mammogram. If having medical attentions I do not want is a condition of the appointment, I will simply cancel. These harassing notifications is WHY I have avoided doctors for decades. I am not happy to be looking at this letter :-P

First off, IF the radiation used in X-Rays is so “low-energy”, WHY do the people administering the “low-energy” COVER THEM SELVES WITH PROTECTIVE APRONS? Why are they stepping inside protective rooms and outside ER cubicles to X-ray patients? Because radiation in any dosage is NOT SAFE – that is why! Mammogram testing HAS SHOWN IN A NUMBER OF CASES to cause adverse effects and reactions – including overdiagnosis’s of cancers which has led to unnecessary cancer treatments, unnecessary phycological stress fallout, excessive radiation exposure, and actual spread of cancerous cells.

I do not want – nor do I need a mammogram. And thinking about all the X-rays that were forced on Bob in his delicate condition, FOR MONTHS, pisses me off. They were unnecessary. The doctors should have let him come home to die, instead of exasperating the situation and making it worse. Bob didn't have cancer, but the barrage of radiation didn't help his condition any; the ordeal of his undergoing all those X-Rays just added more stress to an already stressful situation that made his condition worse because stress was the trigger that caused his medical condition! It was infuriating for me to watch them bring the X-ray machines into ER - set him up to be zapped ... and then step outside the cubicle as far as they could get ... and shoot him with radiation. I wanted to tear the rubber aprons off them and shove them into the room with my husband - if they were exposing him, then they should damned well be exposed too!

Shoving those painful memories to the back of my thoughts, and setting the unwanted letter aside, let’s focus on the health benefits of this barley soup :-)

I prefer using foods as medicinal hedges; rather than doctors. I like barley soup in the Winter time. And it’s good for my body too – barley is a grain that will not tear my insides up like other grains do. 

(https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/barley-benefits)

And the amount of paprika used in this recipe is also an aide to overall physical health.

(https://food.ndtv.com/food-drinks/8-amazing-paprika-benefits-from-healing-wounds-to-heart-health-1662725)

This is an excellent health conscious soup.

BARLEY SOUP Recipe

1 Tablespoon Oil * 1/2 pound lean Chuck Roast of Beef, cut into 1” cubes * 1 pound Beef Soup Bone * 1-1/2 quart cold Water * 2 Tablespoons Parsley * Salt to taste * 2 Tablespoons Paprika * 2 Peppercorns * 1-1/2 whole Allspice berry * 1/4 cup whole Barley * 1/2 cup Celery with leaves, chopped * 1/4 cup Onion, chopped * 1/2 cup Carrot, diced * 1 cup fresh Tomatoes, chopped

Put 1 tablespoon of oil in a heavy 6-quart cooking pot with a lid. Place pot over medium heat and lightly brown beef cubes and soup bone. Add water and bring to a boil, skimming surface. Add parsley, salt, paprika, peppercorns, and allspice. Reduce heat to low – cover and simmer for 1 hour.

Meanwhile, check barley; and discard any foreign particles. Add to soup. Stir in celery, onion, and carrots. Cover, and simmer for 1 hour.

Add tomatoes to soup and continue to simmer 15 minutes longer. Remove soup bone. Serve.  Makes about 8 servings

WE DON'T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND ~ WALK BY FAITH

When all your dreams are shattered, rest in His
sufficient grace.

We don't have to understand ~ when Elohim has another Plan ...

Just walk on, & say "Yes".

We don't have to understand.

We just have to have faith that everything WILL work out for our best benefit.

Man says, "show me, then maybe I will believe".

Elohim says, "Have faith in Me (walk by Faith - trust in things not yet seen): and what I will show you; you can believe."

NEW YEAR FIREWORKS CHAOS

Well, 2020 is starting out with fireworks.

And I don’t mean in a good way.

My BIL just stopped at the Park Office to try to get my home address - the Park Manager for once did something right and notified me; she said, "Val, there is a man standing here in front of me asking for your house number. He said for me to tell you that he is alone and just wants to talk to you." I asked who the man was ... I don't normally have men asking anyone for my address ... and the Park Manger said, "His name is david halfmoon." My reaction was immediate and swift! I said, "NO! That person is my BIL, and he and my sister were very disrespectful to us when Bob was dying; and they accused me of killing my husband. I have culled him and my sister from my life. Permanently." And I hung up.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2018/10/a-time-for-building-time-for-cutting_16.html)

I have TOLD them repeatedly I never want to see them or hear from them again.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2018/12/dreads-justice-and-cutting-ties.html)

I have blocked them on FB and on my phone: their phone numbers have been deleted from my phone. Permanently. And their granddaughter, kiona ... on FB ... ON THANKSGIVING DAY openly accused me of killing Bob!

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/11/if-you-met-my-family-you-would.html)

 …she could only have said that if she had heard ramona saying that.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2018/10/knowledge.html)

When my mother was dying, ramona, who was supposed to be taking care of her, didn't even call me to let me know UNTIL the guilt got to be too much – but by then, it was too late for me to get to my mother's bedside. ramona insinuated herself between my daughter and myself; and self-righteously drove a wedge between us – betraying me, instead of trying to help in the situation, as a Sister in Christ as well as a sister in the flesh, would DO. I already have serious trust issues ... that situation did not help. I never want any of those people in my life ever again. I have forgiven them, but I am also walking as faaaar away from them as I can get. They are TOXIC people who hurt and destroy anyone they come in contact with because they are miserable people themselves. I don't know WHO the hell gave them a license to be a Minister – but they should have that license revoked! there is NOTHING Christian about any of them.

Since facing Bob's physical death, I have learned a lot about family members, and how they really feel about me. I will never be a fool again. For anyone.

I am starting this New Year out not looking back: not going back to what I have experienced all my life. THAT DOOR IS CLOSED.

No more viciously narcissistic people allowed in my life going forward ...

I am starting this New Year surrounding myself with people who are good to me ... and good for me. I have spent 3/4th of my life trying to keep the family together because family was important to Bob - but our family (both sides) has consistently slapped us in the face, kicked us when we were down, back-stabbed us until our backs were a bloody pulp, turned our children against us, and used and abused us.

I deserve better, and by God’s Will, I intend to have better going into the future.

I am going to be lending myself to Elohim's Plan for MY life – people can get on board with that ... or walk on past me and let me live my life. I am done explaining myself and bending over backwards to accommodate people who will never accept me. Life goes by too fast to waste it on self-centered/self-serving people who feel the need to make me feel small so they can look down on me. Bob was my shelter, and Bob is no longer here. I have to look out for ME now. And I'm at the point in my life, where I don't care anymore who that offends in the process.

It is hard to let go: but sometimes you have to let go in order to live.

Strangely, I do not miss the people I have severed ties with: those connections had been dying for decades. I warned them for decades that "one of these days, you will no  longer hear my voice, nor have me around as your personal punching bag." And Bob told me in November of 2018. “Honey, you may kick things around for a while … but you and I both know that once your mind is made up: it’s as good as done": he did not say that in relation to severing familial ties ... but, it fits just the same.

Their unrepentant behaviors and overt hostiles helped me make up my mind once and for all throughout 2019.

And now they are gone.

I don't know if it's sinful or not - but I really do not miss them.

I am enjoying the freedom of having the weight of carrying their angst, lifted off my shoulders. I am standing tall again; and I feel free.