HE SAID, "I'D LIKE TO MAKE IT WITH YOU"

Marriage scared me.

Seriously.

I had never seen a happy ... or a successful marriage among my relatives - or parents' friends.

I was more than happy just to move in with Bob and start our lives that way.

But Bob would not go for that: HE INSISTED ON MARRIAGE.

For every objection I gave - he would say, "I believe we can make it Val. I'd like to make it happen with you."

This went on for months.

Every night before he walked me home to make my midnight curfew, we'd have the same discussion.

He eventually wore me down one hot summer night when we were walking Commerce after having pizza and a lager at Pietro's Pizza ;-)

He pulled me to a stop in front of Zale's Jeweler’s, and said, "I believe we can make it Val. I'd like to make it happen with you. Marry me and be the mother of my children."

He already trusted me with his son (I made sure Alex was always a part of our dates when Bob had him for visitation weekends).

What could I do?

I loved Bob.

If he truly believed we had a chance ... then I was persuaded too.

We went into Zale's and walked out with 2 plain gold wedding bands.

I was 17, and Bob was 24.

And we made it for 44 years.

Marrying him was the BEST thing Bob ever talked me into :-D

LOVE ALL AROUND ME

Your Love Is All Around

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xEEhzAh6n4)

I watered my garden beds from the rain barrels this afternoon; and burnt my exposed skin – it feels like it is STILL sizzling hours later.

While I was outside, I saw little mementos of love all around me; a tiny feather fluttering in the breeze, near a rain barrel on the side of the house near my planter boxes …

… and 3 stone hearts showing near the rain barrels on the opposite side of the house:

It was so hot this afternoon, that drawing a breath came close to searing my lungs; yet I saw love all around me today in my garden area ;-)

I love you, Babe.

Always.

OX

DEMONCRAT DICTATORS RUNNING AMERICAN NEWSPAPERS

WOW.

This is scary.

That a political sector in society CAN FORCE A NEWSPAPER TO IT’S KNEES and demand the newspaper RECANT TRUTH & print THEIR BIAS is something a third world dictator does!

This is not the America I knew …

One political faction should NOT BE ABLE to force a newspaper to push their biases.

VITAMIN D DAY

Everything in my Bazaar Cache bins have been re-tagged.

And ... I had a heart-to-heart with my SIL, Merry, yesterday afternoon – and it actually turned into quite a nice visit for both of us after the air was cleared. So, we’ll see where it goes from here; I believe the general consensus was that we all love Bob, and his absence puts a huge hole in our lives – we HAVE GOT TO become a cohesive family unit, or we are all going to feel the bite.

Merry is going to take care of the Rosburg Hall stuff, while I deal with the Cemetery stuff on the 30th; she is picking up the tab too … didn’t know about that until she told me Sunday. But it is welcome. And I thanked her for her generosity. She’ll be there to greet people who may stop there for a pit-stop before finding their way to the Cemetery. In this way, she said, she will feel like she is doing something for Bob & me. And that WILL BE a big help; and I told her that I do appreciate her help in this way. I am sure I will be an emotional basket-case that day, so if she wants to deal with the crowd – I am happy to hand everyone off into her capable hands.

While I DO appreciate people’s help, I do not appreciate being told that I need to get out and do something to take my “mind off the situation” so I “don’t think so much”: that is offensive to me; and it is not helpful. I AM “getting out” – I am getting out quite a bit, actually. The problem IS … that I STILL HAVE TO COME HOME. I mean – I can’t stay gone! I have to eventually come home. And when I come home, Bob is not here. And THAT would be the case, NO MATTER what I do, where I go, or how busy I keep myself. Even if I relocated … I would STILL KNOW that Bob is no longer here, with me. So, getting out & doing things is not the problem. The problem is that Bob is not here – THAT is the “problem”. I can’t be busy enough to change the fact that Bob is not here – he will never be here again. Going for a drive, visiting with people, going to Fellowship Meets, going shopping … or even going for a walk … is NOT going to change my “situation”. And, I don’t dwell on “it”; but when I feel cornered, my mind does go TO Bob – because Bob never cornered me: and when I was put in a cornered position, Bob was my strength; Bob was my anchor. He would just open his arms, and hold me, and tell me it was okay … and that I would be okay. He calmed me down. And now, he’s no longer here. And NO amount of busyness, NO amount of getting out of the house, NO amount of letting my mind vegetate is going to change that. THAT is not going to change.

So, this afternoon; after laundry was done and the bread was baked and stored, I grabbed a hamburger at Baker’s Corner, and drove out to the Willow Grove river beach: where I ate, enjoyed watching people, and got my daily fix of vitamin D ;-)

Vitamin D is necessary for over-all health (https://www.healthline.com/health/food-nutrition/benefits-vitamin-d), and since I am letting the Bridge Program Insurance Plan expire in October; and I am avoiding doctors – I need ALL the help I can GET to maintain my health, and stay healthy.

So, off to the beach I went, since I can’t get to the mountains – where I’d rather be :-D

I ate Supper at Willow Grove river beach. I watched river traffic & people … and the cawing ravens watched me; hoping I’d be careless and they could make off with half my meal. LOL

Willow Grove was popular today; the temperature was 90-degrees, and the humidity was brutal.

We never let our kids swim in the Columbia River – some people do … but it wasn’t worth the risk to us. The Columbia is one of the most dangerous rivers in the world. Our kids all had swimming lessons, and they all swam like a fish; but when they swam, they either swam at the Town or City Pools – or they went to a back road swimming hole with us. People die every year at Willow Grove: we were not going to let our children be included in that watery death tally.

Heavy ship traffic is another reason we never let our kids swim here.

Things I brought home off the beach; while I walked it, and collected them …

While I sat and watched river traffic & ate; and, after Supper, walked the trails, and watched people; I also gave my thoughts free rein ...

Christians are the ONLY people who can grieve and rejoice at the same time. That may sound like an oxymoron – BUT – it actually makes sense. We grieve because we miss the physical presence of our loved ones, but we rejoice because we know their spirit is with the One Who loves us more than we can ever imagine. And we KNOW that we WILL SEE them someday: we do not mourn as the world mourns. We rejoice because we know we have hope – this life on Earth is not all there is; we KNOW we have MORE to look forward to after this life on Earth is wrapped up. Earth is just a stepping stone to something bigger and better. This life on Earth teaches us about the love of our Father … and about how much He loves us. And we rejoice that to be absent from the body is to be present with Yeshua! Life eternal – life unimaginable.

As humans, we still have emotions: we still sorrow – but we don’t sorrow to the point of losing our mind with grief: of being seriously depressed or discouraged. We sorrow because we love those that have gone on before us. We know that on this Earth, we WILL NEVER see them again. We’ll never touch them. We’ll never speak with them. We never hear their voice again. The life we knew together with them is now over. But we will see them again. We will see them again! Our lives will be different, but we will see them again; and we will rejoice with them in our new life. And THAT is something to look forward to ;-)

HALLOWEEN ALREADY!

I had to run into town to the Dollar Store for more poster board around 4 p.m.; then I hopped over to JoAnn’s to find a Gold Glitter Pen … and walked out $25 poorer when I didn’t find one: I bought a Letterboard & Letters instead – thinking about replacing my huge crocheted Frosty that I have been using the last 10 years as my Advertising draw:

HALLOWEEN ALREADY AT JOANN'S

LETTERBOARD & LETTERS for 'SOLO LOBO DESIGNS' SIGN

While waiting for traffic to move, a spiffed up young man (he looked like he was on his way to pick up his girl for a date) in the jeep alongside me had the radio blaring - so loud, MY car was actually pulsating - and a song came on that brought back memories of Bob and me, when we were young, and looking forward to a hot date on a hot summer night: and I instantly burst out in tears ... that's how it happens for me; quick and sudden when something triggers the nostalgic slideshow. One minute I am fine - the next, I am a teary mess of tangled emotions.

So, in an attempt to calm down and sooth my mind, I decided to go for a dike hike walk while I was in town; this time I chose the dike trail at 30^th ...

PICNIC TABLE IS SOMETHING NEW ...

And Cheryl called to ask if I wanted to go pick more blueberries with her and Mike tomorrow. YES, please!

Picking berries with them - and chatting with them - will be very welcome after the in-laws' upset the other day >:-P

The dike hike on 30^th was peaceful – and relatively quiet – I was the only one on the dike trail; until just before I reached the car on my backtracking return.

I think I might do more evening walks … it’s cooler; but I think I’ll wear shoes next time, instead of sandals: I got pebbly grit in my sandals, and that didn’t feel so good. But it was a nice walk; I’m glad I did it.

It was about a 45-minute walk ‘round trip.

I walk pretty fast - which makes my asthmatic lungs work harder than they should, so I hope I burned some calories too ;-)

MY BABY GAVE ME CIGARS

My ‘Baby’ (anyone remembering 1960’s lingo would get this), was 6’2” … so I called him Babe ;-)

My Grandfather Ball – my mother’s father – smoked fancy Cuban Cigars … and I loved the smell of them on him.

One time after we got married, some fella who worked with Bob came to work passing out cigars when his wife gave birth – Bob hated cigars, but he brought it home. When I was cleaning his lunch box to get it ready for the next day’s lunch, I saw the cigar and asked him about it. Bob said he took the cigar because the fella was so happy to be passing them out. I asked Bob if he was going to smoke it – Bob said, “No.”

So, I asked if I could.

Bob laughed.

He said the image of me smoking a stogie that was a long as his hand … and he had BIG HANDS … tickled his funny bone: but he gave it to me.

And laughed the entire time I smoked that thing down to nothing ;-)

I loved cigars; I loved the smell of them, and the taste of them.

Ever after that, when a fella was passing out cigars, Bob would get one and bring it home to me - presenting it with a flourish & a chuckle :-D

I sure MISS Bob.

I miss his twinkling eyes when he was giving me something that would guarantee pleasure for me; and a good night’s entertainment for him ;-)

CONFIDENCE/COURAGE/STRENGTH

Well …

In this new life I have, I may not know where I am headed; BUT I do KNOW that I am NOT going back to the way it was.

THAT I DO KNOW.

I’m not going back – I am not going to continue chasing after anybody.

I’m not going to chase after Bob’s family.

I’m not going to chase after the kids.

I am not going to chase after anybody – for anything.

All these people know where I live: that hasn’t changed.

They know our phone number: that hasn’t changed.

So, if they aren’t (and they AREN’T) stopping by to visit me … or calling to talk with me; then I am going to assume, correctly, that they don’t want to have me in their lives.

They – none of them – want to have anything to do with me. I am the puzzle piece no one wants to deal with.

And that’s okay with me: if I have to drag them kicking and screaming into my life, I’d rather not have them in my life.

Bob gave me a LOT of confidence – and I am moving forward with that confidence.

Bob loved me.

Bob believed in me.

Bob had faith that I will be okay.

Bob KNEW that I would be abandoned: that’s why he hung into life for as long as he did.

I finally begged him to "Babe, let go" - it was killing me watching him suffer.

Bob knew that when he stepped off this planet, there would be no one there for me.

There never has been - not before him, not after him.

All of our married life, Bob instilled confidence in me.

And I am drawing on that, to move forward.

I remember one time, at his house before we got married, we had friends over – and one girl in particular, was the life of the party; and that deflated me. I remember saying to Bob, “I don’t know why you are dating me – I’m thankful you’re dating me, but I just don’t understand why.” He gave me a long look and said, “I don’t know why you would think that.” And I said, “Look at her – she’s pretty. She’s smart. She’s outgoing. She’s the life of the party.” And Bob said, “Exactly. And that is why I don’t want anyone like that. I had someone like that in my life; I married someone like that. That person you think would be better for me, reminds me of my ex-wife. I’m not interested in someone like that.” Then he took me by my hand and led me into the bathroom to stand before the mirror. He said, “What do you see?” I looked. And said, “I don’t see much of anything.” And he turned me around to face him, cupped my face with his big gentle hands, stared into my eyes, and said, “Well, you’re wrong. When I look at you, I see a beautiful lady - MY LADY. To me, you ARE beautiful. And you have a gorgeous body that turns me on. You have a kind and gentle spirit. You have a good heart. And you have a beautiful soul. To me, you are beautiful.” Then he kissed me. And said again, “You ARE beautiful to me; and that is why I am with YOU.”

Bob loved me.

Without hesitation, and without reservation.

Bob loved me unconditionally.

If Bob’s family can’t – or won’t - love me (they’ve never loved me, and never will); if our children can’t love me – because I wasn’t the parent, they wanted … I didn’t let them get away with murder: I didn’t let them sit around smoking pot, or drinking beer in our home, or sleep with their ‘friends’ … I just was not the mother that they wanted; and the grandkids can’t love me because they’ve been raised with their parents’ prejudices – and we never really got to know our grandchildren because the kids never came here ... and we weren't welcome there. Except Alyna – Alyna lived with us, for quite awhile during her early years. But when she went to live with her mother, and would come back occasionally to visit, we started hearing the same things we heard coming from Alex’s mouth when he went back to live with his mother and would come to visit: “I don’t have to listen to you, you’re not my mother” and so forth.

I am coming around to the conclusion that I don't need them in my life either to have a satisfactory, full life.

Alex lived with us from age 5 to 6 … and those were good years for our family. Bob’s ex-wife had remarried, and her husband (who was in the Army) had been stationed in Germany – so she went overseas with him, and Alex stayed behind with us: an that was okay with me. Alex was Bob’s son, and I was pregnant and thought it would be a great thing for us to bond as a family, especially with the baby coming. It was good for our family. Bob & Alex finally got to know each other, Alex got to know me – and he liked me: he thought I was a fun person. I WAS a fun person. And I treated him well: he was Bob’s son. And when Stacey was finally born, Alex loved her immediately – he thought she was his personal, animated toy. LOL! He enjoyed being with her – he enjoyed having her around. He was proud of her. “That’s my little sister!” he would tell everyone within hearing, “That’s my little sister.” But, his mother got kicked off base over in Germany, because she was being herself and embarrassing the military; so she came back stateside, and Alex went to live with her. And when he came to visit us, all of sudden the chill was felt & we started hearing, “I don’t have to listen to you; you’re not my mother”, and “she’s not my sister; I don’t like her.” And that attitude continued until he removed himself from my life this past July 4^th, 2019.

I have not missed the snide belittlement's or the stress - I have been ENJOYING THE PEACE.

Bob's mother just automatically hated me on sight - but that's okay too - BOB LOVED ME: and she hates ALL of her children's spouses; so I didn't feel too picked on - just sad for her, that she was so miserable that she has to make everyone else so unhappy. Bob's mother is a self-centered, over-bearing, and interfering woman. And her name-sake daughter is exactly the same in character and action. Bob's brother, Ralph, is an unapologetic bully, reeking of a sour disposition. And Bob's other siblings just go with the flow - I think they are just afraid of the hurricane force fallout if they buck the unholy 3. It is not a nice family ... HOW Bob - who was so kind, gentle, compassionate, caring, and inclusive came from all that open hostility, bitterness, and self-delusion, is beyond me to comprehend.

So, if these people don’t want to spend time with me, I am okay with that.

I KNOW that I am an okay person – I don’t need their stamp of approval.

Bob told me every day for 44 years that I was an okay person.

Bob loved me.

I was his lady.

Bob would not have spent 44 years being married to me if I was a terrible person. If I was someone who was mean – or cruel. Or just plain rotten. Bob would not have spent time with me, if I was a pariah.

He just wouldn’t have.

So, if these other people can’t find time for me in their lives – if they can’t love me enough to occasionally include me in their lives … I can let ‘em go.

I don’t know where I am going in my new life, but I know that I am not going back to that.

I tolerated it for Bob, because his family was important to him.

But they ALL have always let me know that I am nobody. That I am not worth their precious time – and that they were not going to invest their time in someone who was meaningless to them.

So, it’s not difficult for me to let them go.

And walk away.

They aren’t as special as they seem to believe they are.

They are Bob’s family. And one of them was Bob’s child; the other was our child. But they’ve let me know that they don’t want me in their lives.

And I’ve come to terms with that.

I am comfortable in my own skin – and with my own company. I’ve had to be most of my life, until Bob joined his life with mine.

I like me.

Bob loved me.

And I’m just not going to let people make me feel bad about myself anymore.

It’s scary enough traveling this Life’s Road, that I am unfamiliar with.

It’s hard enough to forge ahead with a life that has been seriously altered.

I am NOT going to drag all those people behind me, kicking and screaming – that don’t want to be a part of my life. I’m not going to do it.

So, like I said before: I don’t know where I am going; but I’m not going back to the life I had.

There’s something better for me out there … and I’m going for it.

I’m taking Bob’s love with me, in my heart.

I’m taking the confidence he gave me.

I’m going to view my life through his eyes – and through Elohim’s eyes.

Elohim & Bob give me the confidence I need to get up and face every day.

They give me the courage to embrace the day.

They give me the strength to move through the day.

And everyone else can just take a flying leap.

I’ve dropped 20 pounds since I refused to allow others' opinions, bitterness, and rejection to hamstring me.

I’m getting stronger.

And I swear … I CAN HEAR BOB CLAPPING and that is encouraging ;-)